HealthGirl

NEW BLOG

2009-06-01T18:03:00.002-04:00

I've decided to do a new blog specifically for comp prep and fitness. This blog was originally intended for health, natural health, and general fitness. Its become a venting ground and my general updates and I'd rather it be a place for information and resources.
If you'd like to follow my fitness journey, come on over to HERE . :D See ya there!

Headspace

2009-05-31T07:08:00.003-04:00

First I want to say I'm sorry for not commenting on everyone else's blogs lately. :(

I wish I was doing a positive blog. I just don't have it in me. I'm not in the best headspace. My energy levels have been absolute junk lately. I'm SO exhausted. Its stupid. My workouts are weak and I'm just wasted after doing them. I have had insane cravings- because I am tired. Add in some stupid work scheduling and an insane boss and well, what can a girl do? I'm trying to stay on track, but failing. I haven't been able to get to the dang grocery store for my food. I meant to last night but I was so tired I wanted a nap- and then I overslept. *dang* I feel fat and squishy. I hate this feeling. I liked feeling lean and strong. I'm so frustrated. I know what I need to do, but where is my spark? What happened?
I am absolutely miserable in my job. I feel so trapped. I feel like there is nothing I can do. No where to go. The job market here is terrible and I don't have the skills required for the jobs that are available. Going back to school isn't an option at this point. I NEED to keep my income, but the stress and overwhelming urge to run out of the door OR hurt somebody is getting to be too much. My boss makes my job miserable. There are enough trials and issues at my job to begin with. The company is making things a little crazy. I keep looking and looking for another way and I just can't find anything right now. Things were so bad yesterday I had 3 customers ask me what was wrong with my boss. Well... in psychology we call it neurotic and narcissistic. *sigh*
I've got to get my head back in the game. Hopefully talking to my trainer will at least help me get back into the fitness and comp prep game. I need that for my survival.
I'm a fighter. Some days I feel like lying down and giving up. I'm just so tired. That will change though. No one is going to keep me down. I'm not giving up. I'm taking a moment to restore my energy. Then... look out.

Unload...

2009-05-27T05:54:00.003-04:00

Just call me Captain Grumpy. I have had less than 5 hours of sleep the last 2 nights and I've worked 2 10 hour days. I know for some people in other professions those days aren't that long. If I didn't have to deal with a certain person for the whole time it would be more bearable. The lack of sleep makes it that much harder to deal with him. I just can't handle the incessant blabbering of egotistical nonsense that gets spewed forth. Its topped with neurotic mind games where if you aren't him you can't win. You are and always will be wrong. *sigh*
I wish I was stronger and smarter, more skilled in something else. I wish I could get out of this situation. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to be in another high pressure sales situation. I like helping people. I don't have any kind of nursing or therapy skills. I wish I did because that is much more up my alley. I've wanted to go to massage therapy school for 6 years, but thought maybe I wouldn't be able to make money. Right now I hold our benefits and its a huge price break. I hate financial crap! I'm just not sure what to do or where to go. I'm feeling a bit paralyzed by this whole situation. I don't know how to get out of this in the current job market. Its hard to sell yourself when everyday you get told in some way that you aren't good enough. I have enough self-esteem issues, thanks. The boss knows how to beat people down. :(

I'm a barrel of frustration this morning. My weight is up today. Why? I dunno- cause I'm a girl? I feel puffy. Maybe its the antihistamine. I feel like I can't win. No drugs, no breathe. Drugs mean water retention. *bah!*
I feel like I am chasing my trainer down. He has missed calls with me and I was supposed to have a new plan for today. He's really nice and knows what he is doing, but I HATE feeling like a nag. God, I HATE it. I know he's busy, but the missed calls and lack of communication have me feeling like he doesn't want to train me. Its just my lack self-esteem screwing with me I'm sure. I am on a tight, tight budget, so I need an exact plan so I can buy the right groceries. If he changes a bunch of stuff and I need to go buy more things it really messes things up. I'm down to the last day of meals. I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I guess another email is in order. *damn*

You know its going to be rough when your horoscope tells you to "go ahead and have your meltdown". WTF? Its almost comical at this point.

Okay, I think the unload is over.

I've got to get some working out done. I'm praying for a good day. I need to have some awesome sales. Anyone need a netbook or mobile broadband (internet connection?) Heh. Yeah.

Off to conquer the day. Its conquer or be conquered... I don't wanna lose...

Genreal thoughts

2009-05-22T21:23:00.002-04:00

I haven't really had much to blog about. I'm doing great on my plan. I got derailed for 2 days because of the stomach flu, but now I am back on target. Allergies have decided to kick my butt this year. The last couple days my workouts have been weak, but I'm getting through them. I'm getting anxious. I NEED to get some of this weight off faster. I know I need to be patient, but I just want to feel a little freer. Not so bogged down. I want to wear tank tops and feel decent not all gross and flabby. I don't really have much cardio to do yet, so I'm sure we'll see some more changes once that gets added in. I'm finding that now I want to do more social things than I usually do and that typically involves food and alcohol. I'm abstaining from participating for now. I know I can't handle it. I wish I could. I wish MORE that I was already at my goal and that I could afford a free meal without major consequences. I'll get there one day. For now its step by step, meal by meal and workout by workout.

I really want to be in the 180's for my next progress report. Hopefully by the end of June I'll be in the 170's nearing 160's... It seems so far away. I wish I could weigh in the 160's NOW. I am so OVER being this fat. I can't wait to strut my stuff in my hot bikini and look back at this. I NEVER want to be here again. I'm done with it. I know with John's guidance and experience he'll get me there. I'm putting in the work. I deserve this.

Still goin'

2009-05-17T08:56:00.002-04:00

Crushed the shoulder/leg workout today. My arms are all shaky. I can barely type. lol
I'm sweating like a freak and it feels great! My stomach was not too good last night and somewhat questionable this morning, but I think John's magic formula for kicking the flu worked. I should be back on track 100% today. I'm bummed I had to have the detour- I did check in with John for advise on what to eat, so I don't feel guilty, just bummed. I am hoping my progress isn't too derailed by this. I'm kicking up the intensity the next few days, so I should be okay.

I'm so proud of my friends who competed yesterday. CONGRATS again!! :D

I'm not sure if I can speed up the progress and be stage ready by October. I'll listen to John. He feels at this moment that 25 weeks was ideal. We'll just have to see how my body responds and how compliant I am. So long as I get no more of these nasty stomach issues, I should be okay. When my stomach goes wonky I get freaked out. I hate to eat at all and when I do its crap like crackers and graham crackers. I wonder why that is? Its bland and soaks up weird stomach juices? I dunno. I just know that I am very afraid to eat normal solid foods. Weird.

I have to work today and tomorrow. I'm pretty happy with how I feel with the program so far. I can feel changes. I just wish pictures and measurements would catch up. My clothes are looser. C'mon body. We got some changing to do.

Off to shower and work.

This is what happens when I get sleep... Goals & The Path

2009-05-14T09:49:00.003-04:00

"Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly, and do every day what should be done, and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal. "
-Elbert Hubbard

A huge part of being successful, especially at this game of weight loss, is having a direct goal. I've wandered aimlessly for a long time. I knew my general goals in life, but nothing specific. The goals I saw clearly I reached. The other part to seeing that goal clearly is doing what you have to do. No one ever promised the road would be roses and butterflies. Sure you'll see them along the way, but sometimes you have to go through the scary woods, crawl in a ditch and climb a mountain too. Each and every step you take that follows your plan will get you that much closer to your goal. Enjoy the journey. Don't judge the process. Just experience it and relate to it. Learn from each day. Keep the good and leave the rest. Keep moving forward. Its okay to enjoy the moment. Just don't get too lost in the butterflies and flowers that you lose your way.

just a quick vent

2009-05-13T18:04:00.000-04:00

I am in need of a vent. I hate this stupid job. The drama is ridiculous, the management is disorganized, self centered, over-emotional and chaotic. The wall to hurdle keeps getting higher and higher and the weights they put on us are heavier and heavier. The goals are unattainable. The expectations are unrealistic. Everyone is in an uproar. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm so over this crap.

Frustration

2009-05-12T05:11:00.002-04:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate my job? :P I had my first day back yesterday and I wanted to just scream. Seriously. I was in tears last night. I have anxiety again this morning. I just need out. I need something more fun or at least not so hostile. I don't have a clue where to go or what to do. There isn't anything remotely decent around here. I'm trying to keep expenses down. The less travel I have to the better- it gives me more time to rest and workout. I will do what I need to though.

My fire is a tiny flame. I was 100% yesterday. I'm happy with that. I just wish it wasn't so stinkin stressful at my job. I was super depressed yesterday and there were several moments I was jonesing for something bad to eat. I didn't do it though. :) I just wish I could do something different.

Mojo come back... save me from myself...

It's all in the mind...

2009-05-10T12:17:00.003-04:00

First, I want to say that my body is one big DOMS. LOL Seriously. I love it! (most of the time)

So I did a little thinking while I was on the treadmill today. Reuniting with friends on facebook got me thinking about the past. I achieved everything I set out to do while I was in high school. After high school, I lost my vision- not physically, but I had no real goals or dreams. Everything was a big question mark. I had some small achievements along the way, but mostly I was a feather drifting along the stream. When I think about all the things I wanted and achieved in high school, I realize it had to do with my mindset. I really believed in what I was going after. I *KNEW* I could do it. There was never really much doubt. I have a few ideas of what went wrong along the way- why I stopped having goals, why my dreams were quieted. In the end, it was all in my mind. I let things change my state of mind.

I am not going to fear failure anymore. I'm not going to let the world hurt me and keep from dreaming. I've done that for a long time now. I've been dealt some rough and painful hands, but that doesn't mean I have to quit playing this game called life. It only means there are more rounds to come and perhaps I need to try a new strategy or a new style. It was okay to pause and regroup, but not to sit down on the bench like that was the end. I'm not a bench warmer anymore.

I pushed myself hard in my workout today. I wanted to give up at times, but I didn't. I kept pushing and proved to myself that even though it was hard, I could do it. I'm holding on to this fire! I'm holding on to this moment. I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. Some things will take longer than others to achieve, but I can do this.

Dreams are achievable.

I'm still 100% and still on FIRE!

Reflection on my first big food hurdle

2009-05-10T00:02:00.003-04:00

Okay, so not my very first food hurdle, but the first big one while on this plan with this trainer.
Tonight was my first social situation where my food had to be different. It was taco night at the in-laws and there was booze galore, all the great taco fixings and lots of dessert. I was feeling okay about all of it really. I wasn't expecting the peer pressure! I got bombarded with not doing shots and not drinking wine. I got a few questions after I had my separate dinner set out, but finally everyone eased up. I even got a compliment for staying strong. I won't lie- while I love Mexican food, this wasn't that tempting. It was the mindlessness that started creeping in that almost caused me to grab a lick of frosting! I am becoming so much more aware of these little mindless habits. It makes me wonder how often I've done things like this without even realizing it. No wonder I got fat!

I can say I feel fabulous without all the junk. I know I felt better after my portioned and balanced meal than anyone else did after the gigantic portions of garbage. Score one for snobbery. :P I really am proud. I fought off the "just one little X" demon. I feel victorious.

General Update

2009-05-08T13:47:00.002-04:00

Its day 4 and I'm still 100%. :) I feel great. I get a little low on energy in the late afternoon but it could be the diet, workouts AND TOM. I'm down at least 5 lbs. I have rice on my diet for the next 3 days and I'm a little nervous. I am following the plan, but man... I am scurred that the carbs will stall me out. I know John knows what he is doing, so... I am eating as prescribed.

My workout was killer today. Mama Mia! Tomorrow ought to be funny. At least I can walk better today. I love these workouts. I sweat like crazy, my heart rate is up and I feel my muscles burning. I'm hoping to make some serious progress. I might be able to do a show with Marissa if I do. :)

I think its funny. I update my Facebook with things about working out. Everyone keeps messaging me asking why I workout so much. Today I got asked if I was doing a bodybuilding show or something. :P

That's the general scoop. I feel great, my clothes are looser and the scale is being nice. Yay!

Realizations and Observations

2009-05-05T16:53:00.003-04:00

1- I need a program. Being on a program requires that I am disciplined and FOLLOW IT. Having a trainer makes me accountable since I apparently don't value myself enough to stay accountable to me. One day I hope that I not only understand all this health and training stuff better, but I care and love myself enough to stay accountable to ME.

2- I've sabotaged a lot of my hard efforts by adding in little things that I thought wouldn't hurt. Craisins = bad, mmmkay? I added them to oatmeal and salads. I'll miss you guys. Milk and cheese- yeah- a little bit here and a little there does add up. I'll miss you too.

3- "Eye-balling" is a set-up for failure. Especially when hunger comes into play. I *MUST* measure. I can't trust myself to guess at ounces or TBSPs. Ever notice how a TBSP of Peanut Butter can get really big? LOL Seriously. Measuring is my life right now. My portion sizes were whacked!

4- I know a lot about fitness and training. I do not know everything! I must follow my trainer's direction even if its something new to me. He knows more than I do.

5- Having a trainer you can trust is paramount. Being in alignment with beliefs on health and training is so important. Trusting my trainer to provide a proper and healthy program allows me to follow it with no excuses. Following my trainer's direction in both workouts and nutrition is the key to getting the results I seek. I can trust him to tweak and change things as necessary.

I love being on vacation during this time. Day One and these are the observations I had time to make and digest. I am so happy I made this decision.

On Stage Image Services

Lazy Day

2009-05-03T21:02:00.002-04:00

Today was a lazy day for me. I was so wiped out from the last few days at work. I worked a 14 hour day and then a 10 hour day. *whew* I slept on and off for most of the day. It was wonderful. I really needed the rest. I'm so glad I am on vacation this week. I had some serious frustrations at work and it will be nice to be away for awhile. I am going to get some major cleaning down around the house. This will be my official spring cleaning. I'm purging the house of things I don't need anymore. I am putting a few things up for sale on Craigslist. I hope I can sell some things. It would be great to make some extra money right now. Since my employer is doing what they can to make it impossible to make our quoted money on commissions, any extra is good.

I am pumped about starting with John tomorrow! I haven't felt this positive in awhile. I feel like I will be able to follow his program. I am committed to 100% compliance. He has tools in place to get me through struggles. I will call to be talked down if I need it, instead of calling for damage control. He hasn't said this, but I'm keeping this in my head- He's a skilled negotiator not a paramedic. :P I'm hoping I won't ever need to be talked down, but I'm realistic. I've struggled with food most of my life. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm counting on my commitment to my adherence goal. Of course I have the FABULOUS Co-divas/dudes and SuperStar Marissa, too. ;)

I'm so excited about this week. I can do what I want and need to do. Some cleaning, gardening & yard work, some photography, maybe a short camping trip. Dang! Sounds like I need to be retired. ;)

I have 25 weeks til my anniversary and Halloween. Its going to be an awesome day! I am hoping to make faster progress so I can do an earlier competition. We'll see how it goes, but I am giving this my all.

Woooot!

Trainer?

2009-04-30T13:28:00.004-04:00

I am kicking butt and taking names today. ;) I did a nice bike workout today. 43 minutes of mostly steady state with some intervals thrown in. I also did some chest and shoulders. I love shoulders. :)

I emailed John today. We shall see what happens from here. I am nervous. I'm so weird like that. I always get like this when I meet new people or have to make decisions. The bottom line is I *MUST* be able to trust him. I need to be able to contact him when I need help. I'm not high maintenance in this way at all. But if I reach out, then I really do need help. If I feel comfortable and I can trust him, I will do whatever he says without question. That alone will help me succeed more than ever. Its going to be tight financially, but I *need* this. I need it for me. If I don't make some serious improvements soon, its going to get bad. I know that I can make progress with a good program. I just need this direction right now. I have done so well this week eating clean and the scale has barely budged at all. I've done great in my workouts and still little progress. I'm calling on the top dawg to get me in shape. This is my last shot at an on-line trainer.

***EDITED TO ADD***

John is freaking AWESOME! I am totally confident now! We talked for an hour. He gave me sound explanations, he listened, he had great examples and he really made me feel I could trust in him and his wife. I am taking the dreaded before pictures and next week I will have a plan. *Gasp* YAY!

Stress is just an obstacle

2009-04-29T07:49:00.003-04:00

I had a rough day yesterday mentally. It was super stressful at work. I'm getting to the point where I just want to walk away. Not the smartest idea, especially in this economy. I just think its total crap that I am forced to put up with a negative, hostile and abusive work environment because I get paid well and the economy is in the dump. To make matters worse, the laid off more people in Cleveland and when GM gets to its official cutting, our area is affected again for the 100th time. My company isn't laying off anyone yet, but they are weeding people out. It looks like they are cleaning house soon. I had my job threatened 5 times last night as my boss went off on a tirade about the state of our store. Well bossman if you had run the store properly without being a lunatic, perhaps we wouldn't have issues. I don't really believe him, but he's threatening to wipe out the entire store. Riiiiight.
I seriously just want out of this situation but I am stuck for now. I am working on some ideas, but right now I carry our benefits. If I walk, no health insurance. I just have to keep pressing on.

I didn't mean to blabber on about that. The main thing was I didn't freak out and eat bad foods. I wanted to. But I made it through. This ear infection is kicking my butt. I was dizzy at work and I feel loopy this morning. I have congestion and my ears are still popping a lot. I'm still going to workout today. I'm done with my body breaking down every time I try to get it into a healthy place. It has to get healthy sooner or later. Since I am removing the toxins going in, I'm assuming the struggle now is the toxins leaving the body.

Off I go to workout.

Check In

2009-04-28T08:29:00.003-04:00

Just a quickie check in. Compliant AGAIN yesterday! Woot! I had to take this morning as a rest day. I may ride the bike tonight. My ears hurt and my foot hurt so bad. I am hoping it won't cause me issues at work. That's what happens when you run with too much weight on a bad foot. At least the scale is moving in the proper direction. I have been fighting some cravings the last few days, but I'm winning. I wanted ice cream yesterday but I said no.

I know its clear to many of you out there, but... Diet is almost everything! The more I think about it, the more true it is. It just makes perfect sense. If I pollute and burden my body with toxic crap and too many calories, it doesn't matter what I do. It can't be outworked. I'm loving this new mindset. Why eat junk and waste more time and energy trying to undo what I ate? Its much easier to eat to fuel my body than to do damage control.

Dear Food Addiction,
I'm winning.
Love,
Me

24 weeks?

2009-04-27T06:55:00.002-04:00

So I got up at 5:20 this morning to get my workout in, eat, and get ready for work. Ooops. I don't open today, I close! I planned to do my walk this evening, but this works out great. Its supposed to be near 90* today and I'm sure that 7pm won't bring much heat relief. I got a nice little sunburn yesterday so the cool breeze and early morning sun is much better. I am finishing my PWS and heading out to the park for a morning walk instead. :)

I am disappointed that I let myself slip back to this point. One year of hard work and restrictions, blown out of the water in 3 months time. I'm frustrated because I essentially threw out a ton of money. Money on supplements and trainers. I threw out time. Time I could have spent doing a million other things. My body was going to gain some back no matter what I did with the hormone fiasco, but I didn't have the fight and drive anymore and I eventually caved. Many lessons learned. It wasn't all a waste. I met some fantastic people in person and on line. I am taking last year for what it was. This year I am planning to hold onto my progress. I have 27 weeks until my anniversary. 24 weeks until the NPC NATURAL NORTHERN USA. I'm going to shoot for bikini right now. I really can do whatever I set my mind to do. The trick is staying focused and committed for the entire duration. Can I do this? Can I stay focused and committed for 24 weeks?

Okay, gotta run. Time to get my cardio in. ;)

Its Good to Be Alive!

2009-04-26T12:37:00.002-04:00

Its a glorious day today! Here, the sun is shining, I got my walk in at the park and I just ate a delicious salad. Yummm. :)

I have a lot of yard to work to do today. Its my first nice day off to do some yard clean up. I'll be busy today. It will cool off later in the week so I am taking advantage of all the nice sunshine and warmth I can. It gets me extra motivated and inspired.

I did a lot of thinking on my walk. I came to the conclusion that my problem with... life... is that I am too rebellious. I am such a rebel and many times with out a cause. Its great when I am fighting for something worthwhile. You totally want me on your side. If you happen to be my body, well... apparently not so much. Between trust issues and rebelling. *Yeeeeessshhhh* No wonder I keep falling down. Add in a little ADD and I'm a hot mess.
I need to stop fighting everything, TRUST the trainer and/or program, and FOCUS. I might get hurt, but I could also see some real changes in my life. I'm making THIS year, MY year.

I will WORK HARD AND SMART to achieve my dream body. I will dance and sing and live life again. I will sky dive in Hawaii. I will take my photography to the next level. I can and WILL do this. :)

down but not out

2009-04-25T10:42:00.000-04:00

*ouch* I have managed to end up with a double ear infection. I am on some good stuff to fix me up. Yesterday was not 100% but I'm not sweating it. I'm 100% today so far and have every intention of keeping it that way. Fluids are key today. I'm not feeling so spiffy in the ears but my energy is amazingly good. Good clean foods and no toxins make for a great feeling. :)

Oh yeah!

2009-04-23T22:44:00.002-04:00

Another day down, 100%! I'm so happy with how I did. I had several mentally and emotionally taxing moments. Several times I was ready to find some hot chocolate, but I knew food wouldn't solve anything. It would only give me a moment of relief and then my issues would be compounded with guilt. SO... anyway.

I feel great! I am still hating my job and mostly my boss, but I am not letting him or my circumstances influence my food choices.

I'm on a roll!

2009-04-23T09:43:00.003-04:00

Its a beautiful day out. Too bad I have to work. :( Oh well. Its gorgeous outside. I got a cardio session in and M1 devoured. I was STARVING this morning. I am chugging away at the water. 1 liter in.

1 week , 3 days until a vacation. Not going anywhere special, but I won't be at work! :)

Off to work!

Today... I WON!

2009-04-22T21:58:00.002-04:00

Today, I won. I was a winner. :)

I ate right on plan. No extras! I was starving after work. That happens if I miss my late snack and then get out late, too. I wanted chocolate for some reason, but I didn't cave! I had some almonds and then made my big yummy salad! I had visions of all sorts of other food, but my salad was fantastic! I am now pleasantly filled after dinner. I love the feeling of success. :) I'm keeping this moment in my mind for other moments that will no doubt sneak up to tempt me.

AND... The coolest thing of today... I saw not one, not two, but THREE Rainbows!!! Bright and bold, beautiful rainbows. WOWOWOWOWOW! I just love them so. They stop me dead in my tracks every time and make me pause. I take in their beauty and I just feel so at peace and so joyful. :) There's just something about rainbows that fill me with wonder and love. I truly feel grateful today.

Day by Day

2009-04-22T07:24:00.002-04:00

Poison Enemy # 1 - HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup)

Its in EVERYthing! It took me over an hour to shop yesterday and people glared at me a few times. Screw them, I'm reading the freaking label! I do my best to stay out of the way. Anyway... I read so many labels yesterday and was amazed. Its no wonder our bodies get confused. We give it foreign material to deal with and expect everything to be okay. I love how Jillian compares us consuming chemicals and false foods. I'm paraphrasing here: Its like being in a foreign country where you never learn the language. You just make do with whatever comes your way and try to communicate the best you can by wild hand gestures. Isn't that hilarious? Its so true though. Our poor bodies just don't know what to do with some of the chemical messengers we ingest.

I didn't purchase much that was in any kind of container. Just oatmeal and a gluten free muffin mix (hey the husband is slowly coming around to this all fresh approach).
I bought all organic veggies and some organic beans. I made a fabulously fresh chili. Good thing, too. Our furnace is broke. Brrrr. Its 60* in my house right now and 38* outside. I'm going to workout in a few so I won't notice it again until I cool off.

I think I need to take pictures today. I need some accountability. I also want to show my starting point. I could look at last year I am sure. I'm trying not to beat myself up. I certainly have learned a lot along the way. I just wish I could be thinner and still have learned. I need to recalculate some goals and realign myself. This is a new way of life. Boxes are easier to prepare, but fresh is going to give me the energy I need to keep eating fresh. ;)

Off to lift...

Step by step

2009-04-21T10:17:00.003-04:00

Its funny how things have come full circle for me. I am back to being a more discerning consumer. I am opening my eyes again to the poisons I consume. There are plenty of things that will be difficult to control. But what I can control I should and WILL. I wish I had the money to toss everything that has a negative impact and replace it immediately with the healthier alternative, but at this time I don't. Food and pure water are the first steps. Ultimately my make-up and hygiene products will go more natural as well. Cleaning products are somewhat there already, but I need to step it up and be more diligent.

The last few weeks have brought me to this point, but most specifically I read information the last few days from various, unrelated sources that also point me back to natural. Jillian Michael's book has SO much good info! Jenny McCarthy is also a great point of reference. Her son is autistic and ultimately came around to a more natural way of living because of him. She needed to remove anything and everything she could that was chemical and unnatural. She also dropped gluten and dairy. She saw a huge improvement in his health and well being. She also managed to drop a lot of weight herself. She hit 200 lbs and is now back to being HOT! She does yoga and eats as purely as possible.

SO... the two J.Ms (Jenny & Jillian) have impacted me. I know this a process and it will take time, but my body and life will be better for each small step. I am so excited and happy to be back at this place. I feel lighter already- and not from any weight change. I feel less burdened and worried. I have known all along that some of the things I was doing and consuming to lose weight weren't in alignment with my original feelings. I'm ditching chemicals and embracing mother nature! Its been said "If it doesn't grow from the ground or have a mother, you shouldn't eat it." Jillian is a fan of that statement. I personally cringe at the mother part, but at this place I am at I am choosing organic and well treated animal products. I am keeping them at minimum consumption.

Today might include a trip to Trader Joe's. :) I love Trader Joe's. I haven't been there in a few years. :( Can't wait!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

2009-04-20T07:36:00.002-04:00

I am re-vamping my blog a bit. :)

I am going back to my roots friends. When I felt my healthiest and happiest I was doing certain things. All signs are pointing me back that way. I was silly to have left that method of living.

I know Tina has blogged about it and Stacey has also made mention of Jillian Michaels' new book- Master Your Metabolism. I decided to pick up a copy at Target. Amazon is cheaper, but I wanted it NOW. AND it was cheaper than Borders. :P Friends- get this book! Seriously.

I used to buy organic foods. I used to use organic and natural cleaners. I used to avoid chemicals and "fake foods". I used to do a lot of things... In my quest for thinness I lost a lot of perspective. Sure, money had a lot to do with some of my choices, but in the end I was trying different things in desperation.

I am revamping my blog and taking a different approach. I am going back to "my place". I am eliminating the junk. I simply cannot afford to live this unhealthy way anymore. I think you will see a new and refreshed side of me. I am feeling better now that I am back on HBC. I hope to one day eliminate that as well, but for now I must use it. My headaches are basically gone. I think the small one or two that I have had are from sinuses. I am SO less stressed now. :)

I am running late for work now. Poo! Expect new and great things!!

More later....

2009-04-16T06:48:00.002-04:00

Its been 2 days back on HBC (hormonal birth control). I'm pleased with the results already. Migraines- *poof* gone. I'm pretty irritated that the doctors I talk with all acknowledge that hormones can cause headaches but no one seems to know how or why. Or at least no one will explain it or acknowledge that something in my hormone levels is amiss. At this point my head is not ready to fall off my body so I'm not complaining. I am just praying that everything else will straighten out. I don't want to deal with other side effects like more weight gain, depression, acne, etc. So far my face is clearing a little, but I think that was part of my cycle to begin with. I'm avoiding the scale from now on. I have been busting tail for a week on workout- though I was terrible weak and exhausted for a few. I have been so good with food. You'd think that since it was SO easy to pack on that some of it would come off. Nope. I am trying not to freak out, but I feel huge. I am huge. Its been a year since I first started BFL and I am right back where I started. :( I am trying hard to stay positive. I just wanted to be in such a different place by now. I envisioned being a hot fitness chic by now. I'm okay if that's not my path, but I don't have to be a cow do I?

I can do this. In 6 months I am going to be at least 50lbs lighter. Hopefully more. I am going to go skydiving in Hawaii. I have already envisioned this and felt it many times. I am doing this as a present to myself. I am going to be light and beautiful and free. I'm going to hold on to that image and see where it takes me.

Oh, It ON!

2009-04-13T07:22:00.002-04:00

So this was the FIRST Easter ever that I didn't have chocolate treats and all sorts of other crappy foods. I had some potatoes and salty ham, but my calories for the day were under 1300. I drank tons of water and did ChaLEAN Extreme along with an additional 40 minute walk. It is TOM so I shouldn't be that surprised- especially after that salt loaded ham... I am UP 2 lbs since last week. Grrrr. The best part of all this. Today is THE LAST DAY I will ever see this weight. NEVER AGAIN!! ITS ON BABY! I'm SO over this tubby, chubby fat suit. I have a beach body that is tired of being hidden. I have energy that needs to be found. I have health that is tired of being tested. I have food prepared for part of the week. I have a plan in place and a back up in case life happens in a way that I didn't plan for.

I did 35 minutes on the bike this morning. 40 minutes is planned for tonight. Supplements, Super Shake and 1 liter of water in. ACV, Lemon Juice, GT water mixture ready for work. I may walk for 30 minutes at lunch if the weather holds up. Its looking questionable now, but I'll do what I can.

Work is testing my strength daily. The headache hit me yesterday and is lingering this morning. I woke up with a bloody nose. Am I letting it stop me? NO. I have to keep pushing. I have to. Saturday I am going back on HBC. I'll deal with coming back off of it later when the rest of my health is in order. For now I need to be able to live life and do what it takes to remove the fat suit.

"I am strong, sexy, slender and healthy. I deserve to be this way. I love myself."

(That's going to take some work to believe, but dangit I'm going to believe it one of these days!)

Supplements and Super Shake

2009-04-12T12:08:00.004-04:00

What I have learned over the last few months is that consistency is absolutely imperative. I must do certain things everyday. Some form of exercise, my supplements and my "Super Shake" are those things.

My Supplements: Multi-Vitamin, Magnesium, Vitamin D, EFAs, Liver Tab, BCAA's (on lifting days), Calcium in the evening, Joint Care.

My Super Shake is almost always the same. Sometimes I vary the frozen berries from strawberries to blueberries. I also have used green tea instead of water and extract. This shake really is awesome. I feel so great when I have at least one of these a day.

Super Shake Ingredients:

* Water (I use the Magic Bullet and fill to the 2nd line- I think its about 10oz)
* Green Tea Extract
* 1 TBSP Greens Plus - Berry Flavor. The Berry Flavor is the ONLY one to get!
* 1 TBSP Milled Flax
* 1 1/2 Scoops Bev Int Vanilla UMP
* 3 TBSP Stony Field Organic Vanilla Yogurt
* Frozen Strawberries - 1 single serve pouch (Target has these! AWESOME!)I think its about 1/2 cup 30 calories worth

I add Beverly International's Glutamine w/ BCAAs after lifting sessions for recovery.

I thought I would share these in case it might benefit anyone. :) I still order all my supps from Vitaglo.com. Best prices I can find and FREE shipping for orders over $50.

A Beautiful Day

2009-04-12T09:23:00.002-04:00

Its a beautiful, sunny day. I am heading downstairs for some ChaLean Extreme. Then I am going outside for a walk. Its a bit brisk out, but nice for a long walk. I plan on taking some pictures and enjoying the day. This afternoon I'll be running around to family so I am enjoying the morning for myself.

I am off to accomplish as much as I can. I can feel a headache coming on and I'm NOT letting it ruin my day!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

2009-04-10T20:37:00.002-04:00

So today I threw in the towel. I slept almost 7 hours. I got a horrible migraine after the emo moment. So yeah, I called off and it was a good decision. I still have a lingering headache but I am chugging water this evening and I took some extra magnesium.

I am looking at tomorrow as a fresh new day. I plan to go downstairs and kick ass with Chalene. I know that I am strong. I am stubborn and determined.

Off to bed...

And the walls, come tumblin, tumblin

2009-04-10T08:37:00.002-04:00

down...

I didn't feel like working out this morning but I made myself go downstairs to do some ChaLean Extreme. I usually feel better after I start. I get in to it and I feel strong and healthy. Not today. I ended up in a puddle on the floor. Just sobbing. I am so weak today. Everything felt 100x harder than ever. I know this is PMS. I slept an extra 4 hours during the day yesterday and slept like a rock for 8 more hours last night. I feel tired and weak. I feel even worse mentally now. My legs just won't hold me up trying to do all the squat and lunge work.
I just feel... hopeless. I feel like I may never be able to lose weight. My face is an ugly, oily zit pit. Nothing I do will clear it up. I have acne on my back now. I feel as gross and ugly as a person could possibly feel. I can't stop crying. I am minutes away from calling off work right now. What a nightmare I am. I haven't felt like eating in 2 days. I've had some food, but not much. Nothing sounds or tastes good. And food feels terrible in my stomach. I get heartburn and bloating. My body is broken and I am alone to try and fix it. Everything is normal. Riiiiiiight. How you can you check hormone levels and not know where in my cycle I am? This occurred to me yesterday. Feeling this horrible is NOT normal. I am feeling so overwhelmed. I may go back on birth control. It would seem like being off of it would help me lose weight, but that isn't the case currently. Even eating better and exercising on a program again isn't helping. I feel angry, bitter, neglected... I feel disgusting and gross. I want to be and feel pretty. I want to be and feel happy and hopeful. I want to be and feel healthy and strong.
This whole moment is nonsense. Its one valley on the roller coaster of hormones. I just don't know how many more valleys like this I can take. Some times I feel like checking in to a mental ward. Stability is not a good word to describe me. This chaos in my mind and body is wrecking me. When will this change? When can I get a grip? When will it be clear? When the monster become easier to battle?

Keep Pressing Forward

2009-04-08T07:10:00.002-04:00

Well, I had hoped for some real news on my lab tests. I'm frustrated at myself for not demanding certain tests. I let title dictate my actions. I know things aren't right in my body. People don't just randomly have the issues I have when everything is "normal". I'm also frustrated that the doctor shrugged me off. 2 doctors say I'm insulin resistant and this one doesn't even run the right tests? *sigh* Whatever. I'm moving forward. I never really wanted to be on medication in the first place and that's all that she would have done for me. The biggest thing I am frustrated over is that everyone keeps saying- "at least everything is normal". No its not. Yeah, I'm glad the major things came back clear, but I'm still NOT normal. I was hoping for answers or a direction. The bottom line is that for now, nutrition and exercise are all I have.

I can't afford a trainer or nutritionist right now, but I have a lot of information. There are a lot of basic no-brainers. There is nothing healthy about candy or anything with HFCS (high fructose corn syrup). I'm going to avoid those things like the plague. I need to make it my goal to keep my blood sugar and INSULIN levels even. Small meals throughout the day will make the biggest difference. I actually feel better in a fasted state than I do after a meal, so to me this indicates swings in some hormone level. Fruits and veggies are going to be my main source of carbs. I am going to experiment with gluten. SOMETHING is amiss in my body and I am determined to fix it. I am going to continue with the magnesium supps. I really do think they are helping.

I am fighting off the moodiness and headaches still. Just not nearly as often or severe. I have a headache today and had a nosebleed already, but I'm not letting it get me today. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I did my ChaLEAN workout. I was really off but at least I did it. I don't feel strong or healthy today- at least right now, but that's ok. I'm focusing on eating clean and getting enough water in. I'm hoping I'll feel better this evening and may do some time on the bike.

I'm moving forward. I may see another doctor later, but for this month I am doing what I know will help. It would just be nice if I could see some real results.

having a bad moment

2009-04-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

Well. The doc didn't run all the tests she should have and everything with me is normal. So headaches, inability to lose weight, excessive facial hair and nosebleeds are normal. :( *cry*

The Forgotten Mineral

2009-04-06T09:33:00.002-04:00

Magnesium.
We always hear about getting enough calcium. Our bones need more calcium with our poor nutritional habits. High acidic levels in our bodies from loads of sugar, caffeine and high protein cause a bad reaction. High acidity causes our bodies to leach minerals out of our bones in order to balance the pH.
Being in a high acidic state often takes its toll and leads to many dis-ease states like low immunity, osteoporosis, chronic fatigue, joint issues, cancerous mutations, diabetes and much, much more.
So what does any of this have to do with minerals?
As many of you know from my health journey, I have struggled with fatigue, asthma, migraine headaches, PMS and hormonal fluctuations, low bone density and insulin resistance.

The results of my DEXA scan indicate that I am headed down the road to osteoporosis. I can tell you that my diet of years past has been a large contributor to this path. The thing is, I have taken calcium supplements for years, despite a poor diet. My mother has osteopenia and my grandmother, osteoporosis. It would seem genetics play a role and I wanted to take precautions. Looking back, it could be poor diets on both of their parts, but regardless, it is a real risk for me. To see just how poorly my bones were doing frustrated me. First step, fix the nutrition. Second step, re-evaluate the supplements I was using. Third, continue weight-bearing exercise. Fourth, research more. What I learned was that bone health requires more than just calcium.

Migraine Headaches have now been linked to low magnesium levels. Many doctors are now using magnesium as a part of treatment. Studies have shown that magnesium levels drop, especially in women in relation to their headaches.
From relieve-migraine-headaches.com :
"It was first suggested that a deficiency in magnesium could cause headaches over 70 years ago. It makes sense, because a lot of the things that cause the body to run short of magnesium also either trigger migraines or lower your resistance. For example alcohol, stress, and menstruation. Today we know that about half of the people who get migraines are also short of a certain type of magnesium (serum ionized).
Source Naturals has an excellent supplement which contains 400mg of magnesium, which many doctors suggest as a good amount for migraineurs to take. It's called Ultra-Mag Magnesium complex.
Researchers have been investigating the magnesium migraines connection because of magnesium's role in stabilizing blood vessels walls. Magnesium is also an important mineral when it comes to helping you get to sleep. Regular sleeping patterns are also very important to migraine sufferers. Magnesium also helps in protein synthesis, and keeps your bones strong and helps maintain normal nerve and muscle function."

As for PMS- you guessed it! Magnesium levels are low. "Magnesium deficiency is strongly implicated as a causative factor in premenstrual syndrome. Red blood cell magnesium levels in PMS patients have been shown to be significantly lower than in normal subjects," write Michael T. Murray and Joseph L. Pizzorno in the "Encyclopedia Of Natural Medicine." In "A Physician's Guide To Natural Health Products That Work," Dr. James Howenstine writes, "Many women with (premenstrual syndrome) have high sugar and high dairy fat intakes, both of which lower magnesium values in the blood. Supplemental magnesium appears to be a necessity, particularly in persons who are getting little magnesium from their water." PMS-sufferers are also frequently deficient in calcium, zinc and B-vitamins, particularly vitamin B6, and can often benefit greatly from supplementation.
Besides nutritional supplementation, women can help prevent PMS by making changes to their diets. Eating more foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, like fatty fish and green leafy vegetables, is important since omega-3 deficiencies have also been linked to PMS. Dr. Stephanie Beling, in "Power Foods," recommends women who suffer from PMS try eliminating meat and dairy products from their diets while increasing intake of fruits and vegetables. Overall, the healthier a woman's diet and lifestyle, the less likely she is to suffer from discomfort from PMS."

As for asthma, the official word is still in question. More studies are being done to determine the total effect and required amounts, but research so far is in favor for magnesium's role in treating/preventing asthma.
"Magnesium is necessary to help relax the bronchial tubes and smooth muscle of the esophagus, making it beneficial to those suffering from severe asthma or bronchial problems." A study reported on in the Lancet, notes that people who have diets lower in Mg have more asthmatic symptoms. People with diets higher in this important mineral have less asthmatic symptoms. Asthma occurs frequently along with allergies, seizures and many other disorders that can all be linked to a Mg deficiency.

It seems magnesium can be tied to many other possible issues. I have joked that I am ADD. While I may joke, sometimes the effect it has on my work and personal life is large. Multi-task is good. Head spinning around in 10 directions, not so much. When I read this next tidbit, my interest was peaked. "In a study from Poland, children with ADHD were been found to more deficient than controls in a selected number of bioelements. Magnesium deficiencies were the most pronounced difference. Magnesium supplementation in the ADHD children decreased their hyperactivity."

**Special note for my fitness friends**
"Supplements like fish oil and magnesium also make the muscle more insulin sensitive. I recommend a minimum of 6 grams of fish oil per day and 300 mg of magnesium. Magnesium forms that end in an "ate," like magnesium aspartate, are more bioavailable."-- Maximizing Nutrient Partitioning: The Insulin Myth
by Jen Heath

Magnesium will help your muscles! When your muscles are more sensitive to insulin, they will store more glucose and your fat cells will become LESS sensitive- meaning less fat storage!

My conclusion from my research is that magnesium is a very important and often ignored mineral. I have been supplementing with magnesium to help with migraines and PMS. So far, so good. The intensity of both has diminished. The migraines are lessening. My cravings are definitely reduced and more mental than the insane physical urges I felt before. I feel I have a choice now. Before, it was as if something else were in control.

It is clear that exercise and healthy nutrition are key. I am choosing supplementation to help me get back to a healthy place. Working out and eating clean will always be the first line of defense. I encourage everyone to learn more and TAKE CHARGE of their health. YOU are the only one who can do that.

Links if you want to learn more in-depth:

http://www.ctds.info/5_13_magnesium.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium
Article by Jen Heath
relieve-migraine-headache.com

Magnesium Deficiency List

ChaLean Extreme Day 4

2009-04-05T08:53:00.002-04:00

Momma Mia!!
Hellloooo Body! I am so stinkin' sore- and I'm lovin' it! :D I know that it will get easier at some point, but I feel like such a weakling. I used to lift way heavier. I think its just a new way to do things. LOTS of compound movements. In fact, almost the entire workout is just that. :) This is so good for me. I detest lower body workouts because I suck at them. I know that means I should do them more. Its good to have the push in my face every day. I love it! I can tell I'm getting stronger already. I just have a long way to go.

I'm staying off my scale except for 2x a week. My diet the last 2 days has pretty much sucked. Random food at random times. I did get a few salads in though. Its not been a complete failure. Just not as good as I hoped. I worked 2 - 13 hours days. I was beat! I slept hardcore last night. Not much was going to wake me up. I feel pretty good today. I hate to even say it, but so far the headaches are MIA. :) So are the nosebleeds. Yay. I'm even in PMS week. :D I'm trying not to get too excited. I don't want to be disappointed. This is definitely a positive thing to share though. I think the Vitamin D and magnesium have really helped.

I am off tomorrow! Wahoo! Its a beautiful day today. The flowers are blooming. The sun is shining and that ALWAYS makes me feel better. I should just move where the sun shines more often. I'm sure I'd be a happier and healthier person.

Off to get ready for work...

Have a fabulously fit and fun day!

ChaLean Extreme Day 1

2009-04-02T10:55:00.002-04:00

I have something positive to say! And I'm making a commitment to say something positive each day. :D No more using this blog to complain, whine and vent. I may still do that occasionally, but that's not what I ever intended this blog to be.

I'm not sure why I neglected to say that I GOT MY SELECT TECH DUMBBELLS!!!! I have wanted these for a year now and I finally made it happen. (thank you tax return) I got a great deal on Amazon with an extra $50 off. So my 5-52 lbs weights were under $400. :D I spent less than if I purchased all the weight separately. I also save a ton of room. The grips are so comfy and switching weights is fast and easy.

I also decided I need some plan to follow completely. Left to my own devices and my low attention span, I end up on 12 different programs in 12 weeks. Something always looks more fun or harder, better, faster, etc. I am SO glad I chose ChaLEAN Extreme! Its 90 days and then a maintenance plan. I love Chalene! She's positive, upbeat and motivating. I don't get that sense of fake-ness. She comes off very real- but just happy and positive! Its great for me at this point because she is there to keep pushing me. I need to be pushed in person at this point in time and this was the least expensive option for me. I am stoked!

My legs are like jello jigglers! My back and shoulders felt the burn and so did my abs. Chalene uses Select Techs (though you can use regular DBs or bands) and that was a final pushing point for me to try this program. Switching the weights is so fast and easy. I pushed hard, worked the muscles slow and really felt the BURN! She's so positive and really works to get your mind in the right place. No more "I can't do anymore". Its- "I'm strong and can do at least one more." :)

Day One ChaLEAN Extreme complete.
Super Shake w/ Greens Plus in.
1 litre of water in.
Vitamins and Supps in.

Game Plan for the rest of the day:
* Enjoy the sunshine and warmer temps!
* Laundry
* Dishes
* Walk in the park - 1 hour
* Grocery Store
* Make meals for the next few days
* Relax

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!!

Dr.s Appointment

2009-04-01T20:18:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm not sure what to say about it. I had hoped for more. Basically I learned nothing new. We have to wait for blood results that can take up to 2 weeks for. (Really??) Then they'll call and make another appointment. The doctor wants to rule out any other possibilities- which I am all for. I'm just frustrated. She didn't do some of the tests that would give some more specific answers. She specializes in PCOS and Metabolic Syndrome. I guess I have to trust her, but I just don't feel confident. She didn't address my headaches or even ask much about them. I brought them and the nosebleeds up several times. She didn't say anything- nothing reassuring or suggestive that something wasn't right. She wasn't even interested in the patterns. :( I thought for sure these things were important and indicative that things weren't right. She said I can go back on birth control now that the blood tests are done. I'm just surprised she wouldn't want to see my levels first and then prescribe something that made more sense. Why does hormonal birth control have to be such a crap shoot? If we are testing levels then why not make an informed decision? She was surprised at how much I knew about PCOS and future risk factors. I told her I was concerned about my bone density, diabetes and alzheimer's. She didn't seem to care about my concerns much. I guess I'm just really disappointed. She made it sound like it wasn't possible to lose a lot of weight. Just exercising and eating South Beach Style would be good at preventing more health issues. *sigh* How about reversing the damage and healing? I can't make big changes? :( I hate relying on other people. :( I was just one more patient on an extremely busy day for her. Depending on the blood work she said Metformin is the course of action. If that helps, great. At this point I'm pretty frustrated. Tomorrow I am going back to my hardcore effort. I am not settling. I'm just more angry and frustrated. I hope the results are back before I start the pill again. I'm hoping to get the right one, but I'm not doing these headaches anymore. I'm not dealing with this anymore. Its starting to seem that NO ONE can help me but me.

sigh

2009-03-31T14:41:00.000-04:00

I wish I had something positive to post. Tomorrow is a good thing. I'm praying for answers and resolution.
Right now I am still nauseous, another headache is here and I am extremely aggitated. I hate this feeling. Its like a lingering flu, but with extreme moods.

I feel a little better getting that out but not much. Tomorrow is the day...

Rainbows and such

2009-03-30T07:46:00.002-04:00

So the last couple of days have been pretty good. I've been happy that the headaches are minimal and my moods have been more stable than not. Yesterday a sadness crept in that I could not shake. By the end of the day I was crying. Not because of stress, but because I just felt so sad. :( I felt like my life was really lacking. I know I am not on the path I desire, but this flood of emotion caught me off guard. It started off from a dream I had woken up from. The rest of the day kinda went south from there. I am still trying to shake the sadness this morning. The headaches are creeping back again. So I'm trying to keep the severity down. Last night I was SO anxious. I was figidty and nauseous. I guess its been nice that I haven't been able to eat much the last few days. I only have today and tomorrow. Wednesday is the day! I'm excited and nervous. I *HATE* needles. I have small veins and its a pain to draw blood from me. I am hoping for some answers or relief. More than likely I'll have to wait for another appointment. But I can hope...

Yesterday the weather was weird. It would rain then be sunny, then rain and be sunny. I looked out the window at work and saw sun AND rain. I asked out loud- Ooo I wonder if there will be a rainbow. I looked a little to the left and WOW!! It was the most gorgeous rainbow I have ever seen! It was dark and vibrant. You could see each color distinctly. It was a full rainbow and there was a faint second one on top. Rainbows are magical to me. They are special and cause to stop for a moment and reflect. Some people stopped and took in the moment, but most people could have cared less. ??? I was really sad that most people didn't care. How is that possible? I don't care how many I have seen already, each one is different and special. I was bummed I didn't have my camera, but we have camera phones! :D Sucky composition in these, but you'll still see how wonderful it was.

If you look real hard you can see the second one real faint on top.... :D

Magical I say!

Saturday

2009-03-28T09:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a good day. I made it through with just a tiny headache at the end of the night when I was tired. No biggie. :) I did the photo shoot with my friend and it was so much fun! (Thanks for the pep talk Lori!)
I got some really nice pictures that we will both be happy with. Here's one:

Today I am not feeling so great. My stomach is still in knots and my head is hurting. I don't understand. I almost feel anxious but I don't know why. I got some time in on my bike and I should eat breakfast but I just can't. I tired a little Kashi Go Lean and I gagged. :( I can barely get water down. What's up?? Food is just a pain lately. The last few days I haven't wanted to eat anything. The cravings are dwindling down. yay. Too bad the headaches are still here.

I have to close with the crazy boss tonight. Not feeling happy about that. At least I have some friends closing with me. Today the sun is shining. I always have something I can appreciate. :)

DWTS: Latin Cardio Dance

2009-03-27T09:51:00.002-04:00

Wowser! My waist, butt, hips, thighs, knees and feet all got a workout! Plus I got to stare at Maks. :P *drool* I always knew the dancers made it look easier than it was, but dang! Its hard to get things swiveling in the right direction, keep your core tight, move this direction then that. *whew* I'm sure once you know the basics it just comes naturally. I am giving even more kudos to the stars on DWTS!
Cheryl teaches 2 dances and Maks teaches 2 dances. Its so fun! Maks always comes off as the bad boy, bad attitude on the show, but he's super nice and a great teacher on the video. It doesn't seem fake or anything. He's all about staying positive and having fun. :) I want me a dancer's body! :D

So I got my Latin Grooves on this morning. I feel more upbeat today. I had my Super Shake and my vitamins. Almost a liter of water down. :) My head was decent yesterday. Today seems to be okay so far as well.

I am back to the weight I was a year ago. I'm frustrated that is has been so incredibly easy to put the weight back on. I kept 13lbs off but I am trying so hard to keep that off and lose more. I gained back 16lbs. *UGH* I am trying to stay positive. 6 days until my doctor's appointment. I am hoping and praying she is as good as I hope. She specializes in Metabolic Disorders and PCOS. Hopefully I can get some answers AND solutions.

Its a beautiful sunny day. I'm so happy I am off today. I have an eye doctor appointment and then I am taking pictures for my friend. Its a maternity photo shoot. I'm so stinking nervous. I've never done anything like this. Wish me luck!

sigh

2009-03-24T06:27:00.002-04:00

One moment I am full of will power and determination... the next I am not. 8 days until they draw blood to find out what is wrong. I am feeling like a maniac. The headaches come and I find that my nose bleeds at some point and I am SO aggressive. The stupidest things are setting me off. I have been able to control myself so far, but dang! The thoughts I have are just MEAN! :( I'm not a mean person. This is so NOT like me. I am not caring or compassionate or even remotely understanding when this happens. Its like a switch or something. I have been extremely agitated and anxious since last night. I don't know what happened. I started getting sharp pains in my head and then my nose felt really stuffy. I knew it was the blood clots in my nose. Sure enough it was. I was feeling angry before that for no apparent reason. Then I just couldn't stop the nervous energy- you know the toe tapping or leg shaking. Constant movement. Of course I couldn't seem to channel that into working out. :( I just feel so damn out of control. Its scary. I feel like I am watching another person act out in my body. This is the first week post-period. I'm not really sure what hormones are doing what at this point. Its not PMS. Its AMS. I just feel like a whacko.

I haven't been perfect. Dinner is the big struggle. Its just so hard to see the scale go up and my clothes fit tighter. I do better than most Americans do who don't gain weight the way I do. Yet, my imperfection still leads to hefty punishment.

The doctor is going to think I"m nuts when I see her. I might just fall on my knees and beg. Please fix me. I can't take the headaches and insane mood swings much longer. Nevermind the monstrosity I have become in the last 2 months. I need some help.

*sigh*

Timing

2009-03-22T09:18:00.002-04:00

Timing is everything, eh?

I've been thinking a lot and today Liimu's blog fell in line with what I have been thinking about.

Here is part of my response to her blog. I was able to really pull out what has been on my mind.

The biggest hurdle I face (and it seems you are on the same level with this) is: feelings dictating action (or inaction). NO! "I don't feel like eating chicken and broccoli again." I don't feel like working out for 90 minutes." "I feel like eating something comforting that tastes yummy." See a pattern? I'm not trying to be mean. Trust me I KNOW its hard. The way I see it, I ate what I felt like and did or didn't do what I felt like for so long and really- where has it gotten me? It got me to fat and lazy with bad habits. Old habits die hard.
Its not that you have to hate your workouts or food. You don't have to LOVE them either. Try just being observant of your meals. How many bites are you taking? How does the food feel in your mouth? The tastes? Set the fork down (or cup when its a shake) in between bites or drinks. Don't judge the taste or texture, just observe. Its hard to do, but it might make things more interesting for awhile.

Sometimes I feel like I have to pay my dues. A hurricane only takes a few hours and maybe a a few days to cause complete devastation. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to repair and rebuild in the aftermath. So... all the damage I've done to my body over the years will take longer to repair. And DAMN! is that a hard pill to swallow. I want my beach ready, model body now, too.

My final thought not in my response:

So- the conclusion I have come to is that its just going to take hard work to get this done. Anyone who claims weight loss is simple and easy is lying- or never had much weight to lose. Sometimes the weight comes off faster and easier but the reality is, that large amounts of weight take longer. I trained my body to store fat in case of stress and famine. My body doesn't realize yet that its okay, its not necessary to hang on to the fat. Undoing that will take time. And forcing my body to burn fat as fuel (not its first choice in fuel) is not going to feel good.

Summer is still coming whether I like it or not. No more tomorrows, no more doubts. Its time to just kick it. The reward will be worth it.

Sick of Broccoli??

2009-03-19T18:56:00.003-04:00

:P Too funny.

I know I'm lacking quality on my posts lately. *sigh* Things are going okay. Tonight is my first workout on The Wave. :) I'm excited.

DWTS- Steve Wozniak

2009-03-18T06:16:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about this and I am SO happy that Steve Wozniak gets to stay another week. He puts everything is he has into these dances. So he isn't the best. He's not great, but he's so entertaining and his smile is contagious. He looks like he's having the time of his life. I cried last night. You can see how dedicated he is and how positive his attitude is. I'm not the biggest fan of Karina. In the past she has come off snarky and stuck up. She is, however, and awesome dancer. Last night, there was a different look on her face. Her demeanor has softened and she was smiling more. I think Steve's spirit is contagious. He is inspiring!
He's not in the best health or shape. He's the computer geek and not an athlete. But here he is giving us all he can. The judges can pick at him and say harsh things but even they admit he has something about him.
Thank you Steve for showing me that whatever I desire to do should be FUN & ENJOYABLE. I don't have to be PERFECT. If I work hard and I do my best that is all that matters. Sure it matters to judges- its their job, but making the most out of an opportunity is key. Thank you for SHOWING me the right perspective.

As far as the serious skill and competition goes... Gilles and Cheryl are tops! ;) There are some others that are great though. :P

Feeling Good

2009-03-16T09:45:00.003-04:00

Cardio done. Super Shake in. Supplements/Vitamins in. I feel good! My neck is still tender, but overall I feel great. TOM is sorta here. I am pretty happy the sun is shining. :) I have been toying with more comp thoughts. I still *really* want to do one! The show that I really want to do is October 10th. That means I have 29 weeks. I think/hope once I get the hormone situation corrected that I could do it. I'm thinking bikini right now, though I am hearing they are still going soft for figure? We'll see once I get closer. For now I am just trying to burn off some fat, slow and steady.

Okay, off to shower up, take some pics and measurements, then work!

A bit of rambling on my health

2009-03-16T07:31:00.003-04:00

16 Days until my doctor's appointment. Woo! I am not thrilled about having a lot of blood draws, but I am tired of feeling so whacked. The last day or so has been decent. My body is aching like crazy though. My lower back, hips and ankles have been so sore. *Weird* Last night my wrists started hurting and today my upper back and neck hurt. All my joints feel... crunchy. Crunchy and achy. Nothing has changed in my routine or shoes... I'm trying not to take pain killers, but it looks like I might take some Tylenol today. My face is starting to clear up! THANK HEAVENS! I was feeling WAY gross. And they those dang pimples HURT.

6 weeks from today starts my vacation. I can't wait! I am trying to push hard so I can feel lighter and more energetic. The plan right now is to go to the Rocky Mountain National Park so I can take some pictures. :D I need to expand my subject base.

Since I started my health plan with supplements and using Greens Plus AND stopping birth control my energy levels have been better. I'm not dying for a nap all the time. When the headaches are really bad I want to sleep, but not because I am tired really. I just want to relax and shut everything out. Hormones are confusing. I am hoping and praying that this new doc can help me. I want to keep my energy and keep the depression away. I have had sad moments during all this PMS-like stage, but nothing like the depression I experienced for the last 8 years. I was always tired, lethargic and typically depressed about life. I had some okay moments and happy times, but my general demeanor has been ho-hum and glum. Another strange thing I have noticed with my hormones is related to appetite. The last few days I could care less if there is chocolate and candy. I'm not that hungry or interested in food. I have hunger pain and feel bothered to eat. Before I was raging for food ALL THE TIME.
Mood, weight, energy levels (ie- exhaustion), appetite & cravings, quality of sleep, skin condition, hair, and so many other things are affected by hormones. That's probably a *duh* statement, but I needed to summarize it. The last 8 years of my life (on Hormonal Birth Control) have been tough. I ONLY wish I would have understood things weren't right sooner. Funny how years of going to different doctor's and NOT ONE mentioned birth control as something effecting me. I've been to family care docs, two OB/GYNs, sleep specialist, a neurologist... It was my new OB/GYN who mentioned PCOS and Insulin Resistance. My family care doc mentioned IR on the last visit. I'm not saying HBC is bad, just maybe I have been on the wrong levels the entire time. I know not everything is the HBC's fault either. I take ownership of the Ben & Jerry's I ate for sure. I'm just frustrated no one (especially the OB/GYN) seemed to listen to or care about my complaints. Maybe things are just now better understood. My endocrinologist specializes in PCOS, Insulin Resistance and Diabetes. Set me straight doc. Please. Let's get this fixed. Its tiring to fight day in and day out.

So this entry turned into a ramble. Oy. Oh well. I needed to get some thoughts out. Time to do some cardio.

Make today an awesome day!

Self Reflection

2009-03-12T23:02:00.002-04:00

My hormones have been wreaking havoc on me. I've been somewhat unstable in mood and temperament. I'm not at all comfortable with how wildly I swing from calm to angry and irrational. I am breaking out all over with acne worse than when I was in puberty! My scalp and face are just an oil pit. I'm getting hair on the side of my face like a thin beard! *CRY* I'd venture to say some testosterone or androgen levels are whacked. Or my estrogen is too low. At any rate, the mildest stress sends me over the edge and its been exhausting. I seriously feel like I have no control. I've cried more times today than I can remember. So yeah, April cannot get here fast enough. Aunt Flo isn't due for almost a week yet so let's see how we do. I am expecting the migraines to appear about then and last for 2 weeks like last time. Fantastic. Anyway....

I thankfully had off of work today. I was able to freak out and regroup a bit. I am reading a book called Awakening the Buddha Within. A couple of key thoughts for me:

1- "Don't seek externally for fulfillment; rather turn the searchlight inward... Its a fact: You're not going to find the truth outside yourself."
This applies to SOOO many areas in my life. It really hit me. External fulfillment- that includes using food. Food can be a lot things its not meant to be. Food is nourishment. Its not comfort or fulfillment or a blanket.

2-"We keep looking outside for answers. We look for lovers, friends, parents, authorities, even children to answer needs they can't possibly fulfill...We are so full of fantasies about the past and future."
This goes along with the first one. The answer lies inside. Instead of focusing on what other people or programs can do or what they might do, what answers they have, its time to turn inward and see the truth inside me. No more dreaming of past and future. Its time to be present. I am choosing the present moment. Its going to take work and mindfulness, but I know that being aware of NOW is healthier than worrying about tomorrow and pining for the past.

3- "Awaken from the dreams of delusion, confusion and suffering; awake to all that you are and all that can be. Awake to reality, to truth, to things just as they are."
Awake to all that I am and can be. So often I get muddied in what I am not or what I can't be. I let my head swim in the murky, dark waters of anxiety, depression, and low-self esteem. I get caught in the current of expectations, demands and seemingly unending stress. No more.

While this book is about the spiritual quest for enlightenment, its so much more. This book isn't about worshiping the Buddha, its not about sitting under a tree and meditating for hours a day until I am magically enlightened. This books is about making life more simplified and complete by being aware of each action and thought. Its about mindfulness, compassion, love, understanding and more. Its about waking up from the dream and seeing reality. While the book is spiritual by nature, its has already a profound effect on things my physical world. After all, the spiritual world really isn't separate from the physical, emotional and psychological worlds either.

Migraines, binges, cats with high vet costs, OH MY!

2009-03-09T23:52:00.003-04:00

So what am I up to? :P Well the migraines are still here and I swear there is another woman inside my body and she is a B! I can go from happy and sweet to full-on B#tch in 3 seconds flat. *UGH*! I also can't seem to win the fight against the easter candy. Seriously? Cadbury is my favorite with those damn mini eggs and cadbury eggs. I always feel like crap afterwards but the chocolatey orgasm in my mouth is worth is. :P Until it shows up on my stomach, hips and ever-growing @zz. Why can't I be addicted to like carrots or sex or something? LOL

My Kaiser Kat (aka, Bun, Bubby, Bubs) is a FLUTD/FUS cat. He gets urinary tract issues about once every year and a half. Its my fault for changing up his food. His old food came back into the store I go to and it was cheaper so I went that route. WELL.... yeah, he started having issues- excessive licking, crying in the litter box and peeing wherever. Well, sort of peeing. He was partially blocked. My poor bubs. :( I got him into the vets before it got too bad. It can be fatal in male cats and their condition deteriorates rapidly. He is doing well now. He's been purring on my lap all evening and now he is playing with his new toy mouse he got at the vet's. Awww. :) I wuv my kitty. I'm glad he's okay. I knew he was ready to go to the vet when he climbed in the carrier himself this morning. He's such a good boy.

I am struggling to get a grip. I know what I need to do, but its just keeping me where I am at. I am not making progress. I know that eating clean and working out hard are important and that I will still be better off doing those things until I get some answers metabolically/endocrinologically speaking. Its tough to not just give up and be a blob. I hate being all chunky-monkey like. Its not me. The headaches aren't me. The nose bleeds aren't me. The ravaged hungry beast is not me. The PMSing B isn't me. So who am I? I'm not quite sure at the moment. Lots of thoughts and changes occurring. I still haven't got the right words, but when I do I'll share for sure.

Thanks for reading my blog and encouraging me. I SOOOO appreciate you friends!!

((HUGS))

Be Water

2009-03-08T13:54:00.002-04:00

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” - Bruce Lee

Be water.... I like that.

Thanks to Kelly O for linking to THIS article. :D I actually saw the link on facebook and came here and saw the post as well.

Lots going on in my mind and in my world. I haven't really got the right words to write, so for now, I will continue to think and observe.

Ah, Hormones...

2009-03-05T18:45:00.002-05:00

This week has been crazy! I haven't had much computer time. I've been dealing with more migraines. *boo* (Lori- any more no-migraine dances? haha) I've not been 100%. I had some really dumb moments. I brought the base and blade to work for my magic bullet and forgot the top! *duh* Then I remembered the top and forgot the base. Seriously? My head has not been with it. It seems like my nose bleed correlate with the hormone swings and headaches. I haven't been 100% on eating- but that is mostly missed meals, not bad food. I had a few tastes but I counted them in the 10% I am allowed. SO... that being said... I know I am PMSing and retaining water like a camel. I've been SO moody today. Its been horrible. I can see myself being irrational and weird. The poor hubby. He's just trying to make me happy. I hate this. I don't feel like myself at all. I am feeling huge and my jeans that used to be baggy are tight. *cry* I am working out everyday. My muscles are stronger and harder. I can feel it. I just can't get this damn fat off! I want chocolate and peanut butter and macaroni & cheese and baked potato soup.... I'm swinging all over in the cravings department. My head is throbbing again. :( Gah! April 1st can't come soon enough. I might weigh an extra 30lbs by then. *ugh* I've been diligent in taking my multi-vitamins, calcium, Vitamin D, EFA's and Magnesium. The timing is right for each of them. For the love of all things, I hope this doctor can help me. I'll take meds. I give up. I'll take medication if I have to. I just can't live like this. I feel like a monster.

Sorry this is so crappy of an entry. I'll swing in a happy mood eventually. I just had to get this out of my head. I'm not quitting. I'm still going to exercise and eat clean. I can only imagine my state of being without it.

Gotta Keep On Keepin' On.

So far so good...

2009-03-02T09:12:00.002-05:00

So far Monday is going well. :D

I dug out my workouts from Tony when I first began with him. I am going to try and follow those for awhile. I got awesome results the first time so... let's roll with it. My eating plan is still PN, but really, Tony's meal program was really close to it.

This morning's workout kicked ass! My legs are already shaky, so this will be a fun week. :P I did more squats with more weight than ever. I'm starting to think maybe some of this weight actually is muscle. There is definitely some fat, but my legs are getting stronger all the time. Today I really pushed hard. I have 1.5 liters of water in so far and Meal 1 is down. :)

Plan for the day:

Workout- Tony Style- CRIT, Glutamine & BCAA

M1- Protein Crepes, Greens Plus, Round of Supps, Vitamins & Minerals
M2- Protein Apple Cobbler Bar (SO delish! Thanks PN!), Celery
M3- Super Shake (protein powder, Greens Plus, strawberries, green tea)
M4- Chicken, Broccoli, Orange
M5- Carrots, Celery & Hummus
M6- Coconut Chicken

Workout- 30 min cardio on bike

First workout and M1 done. M2 is a definite. After that I need to focus on what eating healthy really does for me. I'm still battling the starvation mindset. I have to get it in my head that I MUST eat more often and fight my way through it. They can only yell at me so much at work. Eating healthy foods throughout the day keeps me from freaking out at the end of the night. I start losing it around 4-5pm if I haven't had good foods in 4 hours. I'll wait until I get home at 8 or 9pm and just want to eat any carb I see. I almost ate dry, uncooked oatmeal one time because I felt so starved! *embarrassing* I didn't do it, but still. I should NEVER allow myself to get that way.

Off I must go... working is required.

I am praying for NO migraines....

General Update

2009-03-01T22:37:00.002-05:00

So I last week I was at the same weight I was last May. Its completely heart wrenching. I can't say its all my hormones' fault. I have certainly given in to eating junk. In the last month I gained 10lbs. I am frustrated. I have been working out everyday still, but the eating has just fallen. Work is still insane and eating every 2-3 hours seems as easy as climbing Mt. Everest. Its a stupid obstacle I have yet to overcome. I am bringing the Magic Bullet to work tomorrow. Hopefully that will help. The biggest thing is getting a few moments to sneak back and eat.

I am back to having daily migraines. I'm really upset about this. The Magnesium isn't really helping yet and I can't take any birth control/hormones until after my blood work in April. I am praying I will make it. My work is less than understanding and I have high quotas to meet. I need to get this straightened out as soon as possible. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and sometimes it just gets to me where I can't function. I had a break earlier today where I the headache seemed to disappear. Its coming back and I can feel its going to go south. I need to get to bed soon. I am supposed to have an interview tomorrow for a promotion. I am doubtful I will get the position. I think they already have their decision made. I figure its worth a shot though. At worst its an opportunity to practice my interviewing skills. Who knows, another position may open up somewhere else. I hope this headache is gone. I can't focus well when my head is like this.

Nosebleeds- I found out these can come from hormonal imbalances, too. Great. It seems like my body is just whacked. I *HAVE* to get 100% compliant with my program. No more deviation. I have to get myself healthy on the inside- and FAST!

I am so frustrated that I have gone backwards. I am determined to lose some of this weight this week. I had to put my fat pants back on. :( I want my smaller pants back! My goal is to lose 10+ lbs this month. I think its doable. I just need to stick to my plan and work hard. If I can't drop the weight eating healthy and clean and working out hard, then I don't know where to go from here.

No more playing around. Its game time!

Time to be Concerned?

2009-02-27T23:17:00.003-05:00

I don't know if its time to be concerned or not. I may be seeing my doctor soon. In the last 6 months my doctor has put me on Prednisolone twice- its a corticosteroid that was used to treat my bronchitis. I also got a shot in November of a corticosteroid (I can't recall the name). Each time while I was taking it, I lost weight despite the fact I had reduced exercise because I couldn't breathe well. I have been done with my last dose for over a month now and I've noticed more things. About 2 weeks after the dosage, I became ravenous for food. I sorta thought it was early PMS. I also gained quite a bit of weight back. I figured it was PMS and poor diet. Well, I also started getting bloody noses. Not like blood dripping out of my nose, but any time I blew my nose it had lots of blood and blood clots in it. Today I got the sensation my nose was running and it was blood! I'm kinda freaked by it. I have NEVER had a bloody nose. Never. I have had a nasty headache on and off today and now the bloody nose thing? Ugh. I have been having some headaches recently but again I attributed that to hormones. I haven't been on any birth control for 2 cycles now. My period was a week late last time so I took a test. Negative. So ... I am reading that the Prednisolone can have some of these side effects. How do I stop them? Bloody nose, headaches, mood swings, increased appetite, facial twitches, weight gain and acne. I feel like I am PMSing this whole month. The acne is getting worse. The headaches and nose bleeds just scare me though. I'm not off of work again until next Friday. UGH.

I am trying to stay calm. I'll have to call and make an appointment on Monday. I know its not the house being too dry causing the nose bleeds. We have the humidifier on and I have had dry nose issues way back when we had electric heat. This is totally different.

How?

2009-02-26T06:44:00.002-05:00

Having a rough morning. I'm exhausted. Had another long day and I just want to sleep today but can't. Another day of work. Thank goodness I have tomorrow off. I am just so tired.

I don't know why, but this week I had some major realizations. First, everyone is broken in some way. I used to feel like I was the only one who wasn't ok. I felt alone and rejected. This week I have seen a large portion of my customers under some influence (ie drugs or alcohol). Some customers have had major health issues. One coworker is under some kind of influence- it makes him super aggressive. And the latest thing that is *really* bothering me is one coworker is bulimic. This one makes me the saddest. She has a rough life at home. Her parents are control freaks and so is her husband. Its easy to forget that she is a person, too. Everyone at work looks at this 40yr old woman and sees a meek and mild woman who eats probably too much, is kinda ditzy but funny and that's it. There is no more to her than anyone else. But there is. She has kids, she has hobbies, she has dreams and desires. I noticed strange habits 8 months ago, but didn't connect it because she said she didn't feel good and was seeing the doctor. It all clicked this week because I noticed a direct pattern. She has always eaten large amounts of food. She hides in her car and eats a lot before she comes into the lunch room and eats more. She has left the toilet seat up multiple times in the bathroom. The other day I heard that cough sound in the bathroom and she came out moments later with her face all red and her eyes watering. I asked if she just threw up- but only because I thought she had genuinely gotten ill. Her eyes got really big, she said No and ran away. It all came together. I have heard her a couple more times this week. :( How do I help? How can I fix her? I can't. I can't fix anyone. I hate seeing her like this. I hate feeling to helpless. What can I do to help her better her life? For now I guess I just work on me and do my best to let her know I care. I won't confront her or accuse her. That will just drive her further away. :( I just want to help her. But how?

LONG day yesterday

2009-02-25T07:18:00.002-05:00

I was at work from 7am to 9:20pm yesterday! :O

I'm still really tired and not in the mood to work out. I'm in the mood to stay in bed where its warm and comfortable. :P But, I am up and getting ready to push it hard. If I don't I'll feel bad about it. Once I get going its fine. Considering my day yesterday, I shouldn't even be upright, but I feel pretty decent. I never would have thought vegetables were quite so critical. Vegetables are fiber, acid neutralizers and important nutrients in one package. I'm still adjusting to vegetables at breakfast. After years and years of the cereal or sweets for breakfast mindset, veggies seem... wrong. lol I suck at making omelets but hope to improve. Right now its kinda like scrambled eggs and spinach instead of a Spinach Omelet. :P

Okay, off to work some muscles.

What am I up to?

2009-02-23T22:14:00.003-05:00

Today, I got my hair done. It looks great. Let's see if I can style it tomorrow. :P
I also got that Snuggie thing from TV. Its soft and snuggle-y. :) Very warm.
I bought the Magic Bullet for work. No excuses to not have an awesome shake.

I am really happy with my program. What program is that? I decided after doing some research and hearing from some Tracker friends what their experiences were, that I would try Precision Nutrition. It has a money back guarantee and I have tried most other things, so why not? Right? No. I really feel that this in in perfect alignment with my current goals. I am especially pleased with the plant based diet portion. I have more freedom. I can have my fruit. I am personally applying the Glycemic Load principles as well. I am learning even more about nutrition and I like that. I feel less burdened and more excited about my meals. I don't have this weight hanging on me. I'm not sure why, but the freedom is working. I feel less like bingeing and more like eating what I need to. I am excited to be nourishing my body instead of poisoning it. I feel aligned with this program and that is so critical to my success.

I hate restrictions. I hate being told no. I hate anything that means- I can't. Its a constant mind game with myself. If someone says "You can't do that because you are girl"- I'm all over it to show them that girls can do it too. "You can't" is a challenge. Always has been. So now... "You can't have X,Y,Z" becomes a challenge. Even though I know that hot chocolate and Chipotle aren't not in my best interest, they are that much more desirable. Dumb. I am working on this rebellious nature of mine, but in the mean time PN allows me to be 90% on plan with success. This helps with this internal rebellion of mine. It also helps that I can have almonds and strawberries and not feel guilty. Having more variety and AWESOME recipes allows me to be creative and I won't get bored.

I am just so excited to be nourishing my body. My mind is in such a different place right now. I have my initial measurements and will post my progress as I go. I am so pleased. :)

Happines and the butterfly

2009-02-21T07:46:00.003-05:00

Eve had this quote in her blog-

"Happiness is like a butterfly: The more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

— Henry David Thoreau

This quote brought me to tears this morning.

Some of you know that I love taking pictures and that one day I hope that my photography can earn me income so I can take more and more pictures. ;)
Anyway... I know all too well how the butterfly flutters about not wanting to be captured. I only want to take its pretty picture! Still- it is difficult. My most prized encounter was a time I went camping. I was following a trail and had seen a butterfly. Off I went mindlessly following it. I lost sight of it eventually, so I stood and watched the sunlight dancing on the brook. I just relaxed and took in the moment. Then the most magical moment happened. The butterfly I pursued came and landed on my shoulder!!! I SO wanted to take a picture but it was impossible! My husband saw it but had no camera and didn't want to scare it away. It was amazing. It graced me with its beauty and soft tickly feet. It only stayed for a minute but I felt peace the rest of that trip like no other. Mr. Thoreau is absolutely correct. You can't chase happiness (or a butterfly). But if you just wait and take in everything around you, you may just get more than you hoped for.

History of My Quest for Thinness

2009-02-19T12:51:00.005-05:00

"Eat THIS, not That". "No, eat THAT, not This." "This is good for you, That is bad." "That is good for you and This is bad."

So goes the diet and health industry. Most of the time whatever is good or bad for you depends on what is being sold. I've been sold on a lot of things in my career as a lifetime dieter. In my younger years, I'd try anything. As I got older, I would get desperate. I have had brief encounters with healthier options but usually results weren't instantaneous and I would get impatient. What was happening on the inside was not as important as what changes occurred on the outside. I wanted exterior results.

Now as I yo-yoed further and further from my goals, I started seeking more energy,too. Being overweight was taking a toll on my energy. Somewhere along the line I was just plain exhausted. I was at a lighter weight- 135 and things seemed to keep getting worse. I would have moments of more energy, but that seemed to wane into exhaustion.
There are myriad of things (symptoms or dis-ease) that were happening at various times throughout my journey. Sometimes they coincided, sometimes they were separate. Mostly though, they were present together. Allergies, congestion, chronic sinus infections nausea, exhaustion, skin irritations, and asthma. The main constants were allergies, congestion, asthma and fatigue/exhaustion. I was always searching for a way to look good and feel good.

Things I have done/tried/ingested, etc. for weight loss: (in no particular order)

* Richard Simmons (I remember exercising with my mom to a Richard Simmons Record!!) Is this where it all began???
* Chromium Picolinate
* Slim Fast
* Tae Bo
* Metabolife
* Xenadrine
* Hydroxycut
* Slim & Healthy Weight loss center- supps & diet program
* Juice Fasting
* Colon Cleanse
* Working out at the gym (with no clue on nutrition)
* The Master Cleanse
* The South Beach Diet
* The Cabbage Soup Diet
* The Grapefruit Diet
* Weight Watchers
* Yoga
* Lipo 6
* Hoodia
* Super Citramax
* Doctor Supervised Weight loss- including a prescription called Adipex
* Cinnamon & ACV Supplements
* Body For Life (x2)
* Vegetarian diet (this wasn't just weight loss oriented)
* The Rice Diet
* Personal Training
* Carb Cycling
* Glycemic Index Approach
* Starvation & Extreme Low Calorie Consumption

Sadly, I'm sure there are few more things I have forgotten about, but you get the idea. Atkins is not on the list because I never did like meat and couldn't stand the thought of the whole program. I saw my mom lose weight and rebound in a terrible way so she learned that lesson for me.

There is NO miracle pill. The closest was Adipex. Let me tell you- that drug was ADDICTIVE. It was seriously like legal cocaine or something. STRONG appetite suppressant, nice upper - lots of energy, never fatigued. Coming off of it meant anger, depression, fatigue & cravings for more... I *needed* to stay on it to continue losing weight. As soon as I had lost enough weight, the doctor removed it from the plan. I found myself starving- the hunger was intense. I couldn't get enough food. I was drinking tons of water to try and satiate the hunger but no go. Even when my will power was strong and I didn't over eat for several weeks in a row, the weight just kept piling back on.

Over the years I have done some serious damage to my body. Its no wonder I am where I am today. Binging and starvation cycles with supplements/ prescription drugs and whatever else in between... all those things plus prescriptions (not related to weight loss) and genetic predispositions have all made their impact. I could be angry about this. I could blame my parents for lack of healthful eating or exercise role models. I could blame the fast food places, the government, the FDA... I could blame my coworkers, the food manufacturers, the internet, the world... I could even blame myself. I'm not going to blame anyone or anything. There is a lot of mis-information out there. Information that was previously thought correct and proven wrong later as well as outright lies. I have learned so much through every experience. I am now at a place where all these lessons and experiences are coming together for an epiphany.

I am taking a more holistic approach to things now. I have a lot of healing to do before my body will just give up the fat and be energetic again. Like a car engine with several issues, fixing one thing won't make everything run correctly. Each part needs to be fixed. As each part of my body gets tuned up, my metabolism will be corrected and a longer, and most importantly a HEALTHIER life will result.

I will write the specifics of my new approach in another blog. I'm still gathering and fine-tuning my ideas. I wanted to get my history down so I could reflect more on what I have gone through so far to get to this point.

Okay, I just had to.... THIS is a picture of the Richard Simmons Album my mom and I worked out to. It was from 1982!! I was about 5 when my mom and did this!! OMG!

Are You Disabled??

2009-02-17T09:22:00.003-05:00

"If you can visualize doing something, you can do it- even if you have to adapt. We all have to endure challenging circumstances. If you choose not to overcome adversity, that's when you truly become disabled."

-- Amy Pudry

Amy Purdy knows adversity. She was 19 when she contracted bacterial meningitis. She almost lost her life. She won the fight for her life at the cost of her spleen, kidneys and legs. But she didn't just win the fight to live. She is ALIVE! She isn't a double amputee that sits still all day *longing* for the days of riding her snowboard. SHE DOES IT! She hasn't let what would be the BIGGEST obstacle- ever- stop her.
Check out the Jan/Feb issue of Muscle & Fitness Hers for an article on Amy.

It makes me stop. Too tired? Too much traffic? Too many temptations? Too hard? Not enough? Too much? Its not fair that...?

GET OVER IT!

There are SO much bigger obstacles in life. At least I have my legs! Since I have my legs I should use them. It really makes me pause. I need to be more grateful for what I have. And I need to take care of my body to the best of my ability. I need to use what I have!

So yeah. Disability comes from the mind. I have crippled myself long enough. No more.

How about you??

So What?

2009-02-13T07:13:00.003-05:00

When did we become such babies? I've been thinking a lot about how NOT BEING COMFORTABLE influences everything we do as a society. I know on a personal level it affects me all the time. It doesn't apply in a way that indicates an actual pain or problem per se. Its manifests in a lazy way. "I don't feel like" is a common phrase that I catch coming out of my mouth. I don't feel like making dinner because I am tired. While that is a valid statement of being tired, is it REALLY that painful to make dinner? Really? And if I am truly TOO tired to cook, then odds are I'd be too tired to eat.
How about exercise? Do you skip workouts or more likely not push hard enough? Its easier to not push hard enough. I've gone through the motions of a workout to say that I got it done. Some activity is better than none, right? Its uncomfortable to push harder and be out of breath- or even to the "pre-puke" point. lol I know I am not alone in this. Looking around at the people in my city I can see that most folks use the drive-thru daily. I'm sure even less people worry about the exercise intensity as much as actually doing *something at all*.
So when did we get so lazy? Yeah, I said it! Do you walk all the places that your *really* could? Its easier to just get in the car and go. Our ancestors from waaaaaayyyyy back actually had to roam the land looking for food and avoiding being prey themselves. Not so long ago, people walked WAY more. They walked to work and back. They actually MOVED. Sure, they may not have felt like putting forth effort sometimes to do the things they had to do, but it wasn't so optional. I realize that in this busy, crazy, time crunched world we live in, that modern conveniences like cars, drive-thrus and microwave meals allow us to get more done. I absolutely believe that we work more, do more, stress more and live in dis-ease, discomfort and dis-health more too. Slowing down isn't always an option. The challenge is this- eating healthier and conditioning our bodies allows us to have less dis-ease. Quality of life is improved and stress levels generally decrease. So what if we don't feel like cooking? So what if we just go through the motions in our workouts. So what if we walk less, stress more, eat convenience foods? The consequences of discomfort (ie- choosing the healthy path) are far more beneficial than the consequences of dis-ease (ie- illness, stress, death)

So what's it going to be? Pushing harder and eating cleaner??? Yeah, that's what I thought. There was no "OR" option. ;)

Whoa! Now hold on there, Hippocrates!

2009-02-12T09:55:00.003-05:00

“Obese people and those desiring to lose weight should perform hard work before food. Meals should be taken after exertion and while still panting from fatigue. They should, moreover, only eat once per day and take no baths and sleep on a hard bed and walk naked as long as possible.”
--Hippocrates

So... no baths and walking around naked as long as possible??? LMAO!!!

Isn't that just a sight? I'm down with the hard work before eating. I'm not fond of a hard bed, but if I'd lose weight I'd try it. No baths and walking around naked? Ummm, no. I have to say I have an exhibitionist streak hidden somewhere inside me, but this scary, blinding white, fat butt ain't walking around anyone without being covered! LOL

I love learning about what the "professionals", fathers and intelligents had to say about health, wellness and diseases. Hippocrates is considered the father of modern medicine- hence the Hippocratic Oath that doctors take. Hippocrates had a theory/belief about the four humours in the body (blood, black bile, yellow bile and phlegm). If anyone of those was in disharmony or imbalanced, a dis-ease state (illness or lack of wellness) would be present. All fluids had to be in correct alignment to result in health. Fascinating!

I have always been interested in the body, health and how things work. I was a pro at my Anatomy & Physiology classes. I did great in Genetics classes- to the point where several professors and the head of the department asked me to take further courses and independent studies. I am fascinated by the human body. It truly is amazing.

Maybe one day I can get myself back into school and do something I enjoy- or at least something I would feel good about doing. For now, I guess I can just read and learn and review so that way when the time comes, I will be relearning and tweaking instead of coming from scratch. Much easier to manage the work and schooling that way.

Now we're on the upswing

2009-02-11T09:37:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I AM a roller coaster. LOL
I got my big @ss on the bike and I feel so much better. I think higher sugar makes me depressed and cranky too. My sugar was 120 when I got on the bike. After my workout it was 82. MUCH better. My quads are getting so hard. I love it. Now if the back side would catch up! lol More donkey kicks in my future. I ended my workout with a kick boxing style random thing. "Fighter" was my last song so I hopped off the bike and kicked and punched and really raised my heart rate. It felt great.

I think part of my issue lately is that I miss cooking. I used to make some divine casseroles, awesome soups and stews and all sorts of other cool things. One day when I am in a more maintenance type phase I can go back and alter things and make them healthier, but right now I have to avoid most of the ingredients- like cheese and rice and potatos and flour and sodium. :P Starch is bad, mmmkay? (channeling South Park).

I am making a tortilla soup for tonight. I am going without the tortillas but I love southwestern/ texmex type of flavors. I am putting everything in the crock pot so that way when I got home late tonight I can't say I am too tired to make anything. :P Gotta have a plan. I'm off again tomorrow- *sweet* This is awesome. I can finish what I started yesterday.

Today is going to be a great day. It has to be. My eyes are on the positive.

Rollercoaster

2009-02-11T08:05:00.002-05:00

Yesterday started well. I was on target with eating and working out. I lasted until about 2:45. Everything fell apart around then. I was cleaning my house up and doing laundry. I was feeling great and then out of nowhere... I started feeling tired. Then I started feeling sad and weepy. Then I was freaking out for sugar. I don't have any in the house. I needed sweets. :( I had chicken and veggies with a tiny bit of pasta- hoping that would fix the INTENSE craving. No go. I went out to buy coffee and came home with coffee, cookies and ice cream! I felt guilty, but did that stop me? Nope. I feel like a true addict. I don't understand. I was doing well. I wasn't feeling deprived or anything. I felt accomplished and positive. Out of nowhere I started feeling physically and emotionally whacked out. I checked my sugar when I was freaking out wanting it so bad. I thought it might be that I was low or something. Nope. I was just fine. The only thing I can think is it is related to cortisol. I am frustrated and confused. I just hate feeling like a victim. I hate feeling like I have no control. This is SO beyond will power. I was like a ravaging machine. If I didn't get some stupid sugar I was going to ... I don't know. I was freaking out though. Its worse now than I have ever experienced. I am off supplemental hormones. Maybe its that. Ugh. April 1st can't come quick enough.

I am swollen up today. I don't feel like working out. I am congested and grumpy. I got what I deserved after eating crap. I drank 5 liters of water yesterday. I ate clean until the evening. I worked out. I did some things right. I'll focus on that for now.

I'm up, down and all around. *sigh*

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch Changes...

2009-02-10T10:08:00.002-05:00

:)
So far so good. I really think my new plan is the way to go for me right now. Next month I will add intervals, but for now I have to do long bouts of steady state cardio. I am also stoked to have fruit in my diet. Everything is based off glycemic load. Glycemic index is not the entire picture. My poor pancreas is producing so much insulin and my cells are not responding to the appropriate amounts. Keeping my blood sugar level is the key to getting my cells to respond to the insulin again. That will allow my pancreas to chill out and not work so hard. Anyway...

I changed my blog up a bit. I am going back to what this blog was intended for in the first place- its about health. I want to share whatever information I learn on being healthy. It could be a certain yoga pose helps with X,Y or Z. It can be the benefits of calcium or even about certain "dis-health" situations- like the insulin resistance topic I am working through. I hope that my friends will stick with me, but if my blogs are not of interest, I understand. I'll still post progress and goals, etc. I'm just not focused on competition anymore. That may change later on, but for now I am seeking balance. I sacrificed a lot this fall and winter. I unfortunately made little progress. Understanding what I do now, I can move forward and hopefully make huge progress this spring. I am not comfortable with being this fat- and yes friends, I am fat. Say whatever you like, but its there. The fat is all over and I am slowly melting it away. One day I won't say I am fat. One day I will say I am strong and sexy and HEALTHY. Fat has its place and purpose, but I have too much of it. This spring is the time for me to reshape and revamp my body. I have gained a lot of knowledge over time and now I can implement what I have learned so far.
I am in such a better state of mind right now. I know that it can change, but I am trying to stay focused on balance. Things in life will happen. Work will be the stressful environment it is. I can do what I can to stay positive and less stressed. Being less stressed comes from yoga and meditation, cardio and eating healthy.

:)

Non-related to most of the content of this entry...
When my tax return comes in...
I decided on the Sole F63 treadmill. I am getting my hair done. I am getting a webcam- I just might vlog! I may also buy more stuff for my photography. :)

My Insulin Resistance Program

2009-02-08T20:46:00.004-05:00

I have come up with a program that I believe will reduce my insulin resistance and ultimately eliminate it completely. I have been doing A LOT of research the last week on diets and exercise, Insulin Resistance, Diabetes, Cortisol levels, PCOS, etc. I am a bit exhausted by all of it, but I believe I have come up with an acceptable program to be on my way to health. Once I am healthier I can tackle some fitness goals more aggressively. Right now, being overzealous in my training is a detriment to my progress. So, here is what I have come up with.

Goal- reduce / eliminate insulin resistance and lower cortisol levels by keeping blood sugar levels even.

Exercise Program

1.- Steady State Cardio 4x a week- 45+ minute sessions.
2.- Yoga- Power, Vinyasa Flow & Mixed 2-3x(approx 45 minute sessions)
3.- Weight Training Sessions 3x a week- Full Body Circuit Training

Nutrition Program

Breakfast- 1/2c Oatmeal & 4 eggwhites
Snack- AdvantEdge RTD or Strawberries & Almonds
Lunch- 5oz Chicken or Turkey Breast; 1c Broccoli or Green Beans
Snack- Apple & String Cheese or Protein Shake
Dinner- 6oz Chicken or Turkey Breast; 2 cups Salad with Balsamic Vinegar
Snack- (If needed)- Protein Shake or Cottage Cheese

Supplements
1. Biotin- 5mg
2. ACV
3. Tulsi Tea (Holy Basil Tea to reduce cortisol)
4. Lean Out (L-Carnitine, Chromium Picolinate) (Help Keep Blood Sugar even)
5. BCAA's during lifting sessions
6. Calcium * Magnesium
7. EFA- Fish & Flax Oil

Eventually, I'd like to reduce the supplement list. Right now I am dealing with PCOS, Insulin Resistance, High Cortisol levels, bone loss trending towards Osteopenia and overall, stress levels that are beyond unhealthy. I need to combat the stress primarily in order to have ultimate success. Meanwhile, I must supplement and do the best I can.

I have a lot of big goals this year, but the primary goal is getting healthy. :)

You are like a baby...

2009-02-05T06:02:00.003-05:00

Since Tuesday morning I have been checking my blood sugar level throughout the day to see what it is and what affects it. Most of the time when I have been 100% its been on the lower end of normal and mostly stable. My meals have not caused dramatic increases or decreases. My highest peak 45 minutes after a meal (high protein, moderate carb) was 99. Out of 9 times checked, 7 were 85. Usually first thing in the morning (fasted state) or 2 hours after a meal. Its pretty consistent. That makes me feel pretty good. Here's the best reason of all for me to do this- yesterday I got no lunches or breaks. I had to cram protein pancakes in my mouth at random chances. I am SO glad I was prepared with those! I knew it would be busy, but my business deal kept me crazy busy and then the boss freaked and kept dumping more at me, so... anyway. I had chicken and pasta last night. It was a quick fix and I was STARVED. I know it was bad, but I didn't have much of a choice. I did resist all the sugary hot chocolate and candy, so... I could have chosen worse. At least I had protein. I didn't check my sugar after the pasta. I was tired anyway, so I just went to bed. I wish I would have checked. This morning after 7 1/2 hours... my sugar was at 120! I can only imagine what it was after the pasta. I didn't even eat a lot. It was 1 cup cooked. Wow. Tuesday and Wednesday morning it was 85.

I don't particularly enjoy the stabbing part of this (okay so its just a prick), but the feedback of what is happening in my body is rewarding. I'm not sure how long I will do this, but its of great use to me right now. Its keeping me focused on the HEALTH side of this. Sure I want to be a bombshell, but I need to be healthy on the inside. I won't compromise myself anymore. The days of fad diets, quick fixes, unhealthy pills or whatever are OVER as are the days of binges, hiding or stashing food and emotional eating. I'm not saying I won't struggle or stumble ever again, but I aim to walk tall, strong and healthy. My sister in law is diabetic. Her pancreas just stopped working right. She doesn't have a choice if she wants to stay healthy and avoid the complications of diabetes. I am going to walk that walk too. I no longer have the option of being immature in the mind and choosing low nutritional value foods. I deserve a healthy and strong body. My body deserves to be treated with respect and love. I wouldn't tell a baby how ugly it was and glare at it with disdain. I wouldn't feed it the crap foods in horrible volumes. I would love it and cherish it. I would feed it healthy foods at appropriate portions. WHY would I choose to do anything less for myself?

I am reborn! ;) How about you?

What goes up, must come down....

2009-02-03T06:25:00.003-05:00

I just want to thank everyone for the support yesterday. My freakout is over. I woke up mad yesterday and made the mistake of getting on the scale. That made me even more mad. I rode my bike hard for a good sweaty workout, ate clean the WHOLE day- no nibbles or tastes, sold a ton of stuff at work and went to Power Yoga at night. I felt great most of the day despite feeling awkward in my clothes. I don't know, maybe I just needed a kick in the ass. lol I am ready for another clean day. I have to say it was hard a few times. I had that sugar need and yowsers! I needed food fast. My SIL gave me a meter to test my sugar. There are times in the afternoon I just feel horrible, so I am going to test and see if my sugar is low or high or normal. I usually feel lightheaded and dizzy and crave sugar, so we'll see.

Something Important- I threw out the sugar free syrup. Mine had aspartame in it!!?? I seriously think that was making things worse. I think that it made my cravings horrible and I think it was making me hold weight too! Check out this and this !
The first article is lengthy, but a very good read, period. The second is Jodi's blog and has info as well as a link to an article on aspartame.

Check it, learn it, live it!

Off for some EMC.

Oh and did I mention... I'm down 6.6 lbs this morning!!?? Woo Hoo! Stupid water, fat whatever! I'm in fat assault mode now, Baby!

Trying to avoid having one of THOSE days...

2009-02-02T06:26:00.003-05:00

What the hell??? I woke up PISSED OFF at the world. I don't get it. I'm a real cranky biatch right now. I'm sure its some combo of hormones and whatever. Oh and I managed to gain 7 lbs in two days. Really? Well why don't I just go eat pizza and candy and whatever crap I want. I'm already WAYYYY off target. I should be losing not gaining. My clothes fit like shit. I feel like shit. I am freaking out. I am sooo hungry all the time. Nothing is effing helping. My lower abdomen is SO frickin puffed out. Its been getting bigger and bigger everyday despite clean eating. I have had hot chocolate, some Chex mix and an ice cream sandwich in the last 3 days. Not proud, but is that 7 lbs worth of calories??? Hell no! 24,500 extra calories had to be consumed. Uh.... definitely not. Even if I pigged out on pizza.... grrrrr. I have had low carb yogurt to help with my sugar cravings and I have actually eaten 5-6 times, but the calories are not that bad. I feel like starving myself. I swear. I know its not healthy. I am having a HUGE battle in my mind. I just hate this so much. I'm fighting to not spin out of control.

Waking up pissed off and 5lbs heavier than the day before is NOT the way I planned this. I am supposed to go to yoga tonight and quite frankly I don't want to go ANYWHERE. Not even work. Hell, I don't even want to be awake today. This blows.

On My Own Again

2009-02-01T19:46:00.002-05:00

Well... I am on my own again. I had to take a break from training with Julie. I just couldn't afford it along with my stupid medications. It just didn't make sense for me to keep paying to reach a goal that isn't in sight for awhile. I have to take care of some of my medical issues first.

My eating has been less than stellar. I have been craving sugar in the worst way. I am feeling like an addict. I am starting fresh tomorrow with my meal plan. I'm going to do my best to eat like as if I am in fact 22 weeks out.

I am starting up my yoga practice again. I'm totally pumped too. I am going to classes two times a week. I really feel alive when I am actively practicing. I just feel like I am ME. Kinda weird maybe, but I feel at home on the mat. By the end of this year, I want to do the Scorpion pose

I am getting a treadmill of my own. :) Love the tax refund... I'm torn between the Sole F63 or F80. Its a $500 difference. *sigh*

Allergy Plan for February

2009-01-31T11:10:00.002-05:00

1. Use Air Cleaner
2. Use Neti Pot- daily AM
3. Use Breathe Right strips PM
4. Vaccuum/ Sweep floors at least 3x week
5. Dust 2x week
6. Brush cats weekly
7. Drink 2TBSP ACV with warm water before bed.
8. Practice Yoga 1x week

Eliminate clutter in the house permanently.

I am going to try eliminating all obvious sources of dairy by the 2nd week of the month. I have some yogurt and cottage cheese to finish up. I needed the yogurt with the last round of antibiotics. If there is no change, I will stop the protein powder for a week and go with whole foods only. If there is still no change then I will add the protein powder back.

Doing all of this should help my asthma tremendously. I had no idea my breathing was this sucky until the bronchitis hit me.

Learning more every day!

Acknowleding Weakness

2009-01-30T18:47:00.003-05:00

So I just haven't felt super pumped lately. I want to, but the fire is cool embers right now. Its not out, just no flame at the moment.

This next part isn't about me bashing myself, its me acknowledging my weaknesses.

I'm not very good at receiving. I always feel like I have to give back or give first. Receiving a compliment is uncomfortable for me. I often feel suspicious or just weird. Part of it is that receiving a compliment means someone is paying attention to me. THAT in itself makes me uncomfortable. But I do like being noticed, so... I'm just a confused mess? lol At any rate... gifts, compliments- whatever... I even feel uncomfortable with taking the freebies on tables at fairs and muscle shows, etc. I'm still getting to the bottom of this. I really don't have an understanding on this totally. I do need to learn to accept things and be gracious. My awkwardness with compliments or gifts can come off wrong to people. I will work on acceptance and graciousness.

I'm not too good at letting go or being subservient. Control and I are good friends. Sugar (in all its forms) is one of the few things that has more power over me than I'd like. I struggle with trusting that other people will make the right or best decisions. I struggle with trust when it all comes down to it. I cannot even do that "fall backwards and let a group of people catch you" thing. I seriously cannot fall. My body physically will not go limp. Come to think of it, I hate falling at all. Fall is too close to fail. I need to work on trusting other people. Especially those that I *know* will take care of me. I just need to let go of my worries and distrust. I am working on this with the husband tonight. I know he loves me. I can trust him.

I'm not very good at relaxing. My mind is always going a million miles per hour. I need to give myself time to NOT THINK. Meditation is something I want to be much much better at. Yoga is also something that will help. I can strengthen my body and mind. I can be better at living in the moment.

The final thing I am not good at is standing up for myself. I dislike confrontation with authority figures. My father and I had gotten into some NASTY fights that almost landed me in the hospital. Confrontation makes me want to head for the hills. I will tolerate far more than I should for the sake of avoiding turbulence. I will be working on setting boundaries at work and holding strongly to them. I don't have to be aggressive or fight to defend myself. I just need to be aware of my boundaries and stand firmly for them.

I'm sure there are many more weaknesses to address, but these are the ones that I am going to focus on now. I think correcting the behaviors and mindsets behind these will bring a greater amount of peace and stress reduction. It will definitely shift my life in a new direction.

I acknowledge the weakness in me and move forward to grow and strengthen myself.

The Answer I Have Been Seeking?

2009-01-29T01:56:00.003-05:00

"Vinegar appears to have effects similar to
some of the most popular medications for diabetes."

I have to say that I am really so happy I read this tonight/this morning. I tried for a very long time to live a more "natural" life. More natural products and less chemicals, no meat, etc. I hate taking pills and supplements and the millions of hormones and medicines that typical doctors require. Since its going to take 7 months for me to get into see an endocrinologist, I have been stressed about how to fix my insulin resistance and PCOS. I am going to suck it up and continue on hormones for now because mine are clearly whacked, but getting on Metformin is going to A- take a long time and B- be expensive. I remember Tony's ACV concoction and didn't really mind it one bit. I have gotten away from it since I started training with Julie, but now I am wondering if maybe that was more pivitol than I realized... The AMAZING Tea has mentioned she thinks she was probably diabetic (insulin resistant surely. She now has no major responses to carb meals. She has obviously lost an amazing amount of fat (WAY TO GO!! YOU INSPIRE ME DAILY!) So, yeah... she used the ACV trick and has done amazingly well. I think its time for me to get back to using that. I have some ACV and I will start today. ACV has a lot of other health properties as well, so let's see how it goes.

For my reference and others...

Vinegar For Insulin Resistance And Weight Loss And Much More

Apple Cider Vinegar: The Amazing Health Benefits of this Economical "Old Timers Home Remedy"

Apple Cider Vinegar helps insulin resistance, as well as other PCOS issues!

Vinegar and Diabetes

Hormones

2009-01-28T20:25:00.002-05:00

Hormones suck. I'm sitting here crying for no apparent reason. WTH?? I am up, down and all around. My head is hurting like no other... I have 2 1/2 more weeks before I can start on hormone therapy again and who knows what the new one will do to me. :(
I swear, moments like these make me feel like I just can't take it. I feel like a nutzo! Please add in all the stress of the snow storm and all other PMS symptoms. Overwhelmed is a good word for now. I'm trying to research more on insulin resistance and PCOS. I'm all over Soulcysters reading and I'm still frustrated and tired. I just don't want this anymore. I want to be thin and healthy and strong. Gah. I needed to vent while I cry. I feel like a dork. Stupid hormones.

just in case

2009-01-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

Soooo.... I am in an expedition with 5 other people on our way to a meeting. We have road closings and red level alerts. :( I'm so freaked. I am sick to my stomach they are making me go.
I am hate this. :( stress levels WAY high.

Today

2009-01-27T07:15:00.004-05:00

I've gotten away from Fitday in the last week. I guess I felt like everything else was off schedule and why bother? Plenty of reasons to bother, but that is behind me. Today is in the present moment. I know what I need to do today. I have goals and dreams for tomorrow and sure there is planning and structure needed to reach those goals, but I am focusing on what I can do today. The more I worry about the future, the worse I feel. My chest starts hurting, I can't breathe, I feel anxious and depressed. The worst part? I STILL don't get anything accomplished with the worrying. *DUH* SO... I am focusing on today, today.

I am going back to writing everything down that I eat and do. Times and everything. I am going to pay attention to my mood, hormonal cycles, etc. I have to get this Insulin Resistance and Asthma under control. I'd like to not be IR at all anymore. Until I get back to at least the 140's-150's that is unlikely. My goal from here is to be healthy first, hot second. I'd love to be able to wear a bikini this summer and feel good it in. So that is my mini goal for now. If things progress sooner- awesome! If not, well I am doing what I can. I am done with excuses and whining and feeling sorry for myself. I am awesome. I can do this. Just because things aren't going MY way, doesn't mean I stop doing things the right way. My body needed this break and that is okay. I am okay. Everything is okay. Its now time to get back to changing my body's chemistry again so that I can one day post on this blog that I am no longer Insulin Resistant.

And for anyone needing a kick in the pants... Check out THIS ! I think Evelyne and Tea have already linked to it. I love it. Some days, when I was feeling at the top of my game I felt this way when people at work whined. Well, this is the perfect kick to get me amped up. I'm working out today. Even if I can only do baby weights. I am getting back my life.

Taking the detour

2009-01-26T21:49:00.003-05:00

Today has been hard. I started out motivated and somewhat energetic. It quickly disappeared after my doc appt. I'm insulin resistant, but he wants to treat it with hormones first. I can't start the next round of hormones for 2 weeks. I looked up the pills he has me on and they are just like the ones that I hated before- and he knows that. *sigh* I gained weight, had no libido, felt depressed and had no energy. So ummm... yeah. How does that get me any closer to my goals? I feel like crying. I have all evening. I am a hormonal mess. I still have one more doctor to see. I am so frustrated with all of this. I just want my life back. I want to work out hard and eat clean. I want to see results and not need stupid medications. I am still having a terrible time breathing. I attempted working out. Mistake. This is seriously getting old. I'm so bummed. I know I have the ability to reach my goals. This just seems like more than a road block. Its a darn detour.
Detours have their own possibilities, don't they? New scenery, off the normal path... there is something positive to be had out of this. I'm just going to have to take the detour. No point in fighting this anymore.

Mangatar

2009-01-25T23:10:00.002-05:00

Heh, thanks for the fun, Tea! GET YOURS

In the right direction

2009-01-25T07:01:00.002-05:00

First- THANK YOU STACEY for this THIS blog entry. I cried at the ridiculousness I get caught up in. *sigh*
Directly from her post-

"For what it's worth, it's never too late, or in my case too early - to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit; stop whenever you want. You can change, or stay the same - there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

~The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Yesterday was an extremely busy day at work. No time to really get stressed about much. I did have to use my inhaler 2x- which isn't typical for me. I'm trying to be grateful. I'm trying to see the possibilities instead of the restrictions. This is what I have to work with for now.

This quote sums up where I am at right now- I am at the wondering point...

“The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing”
-- David Viscott

This is something I will continue to read-

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

-- Dale Carnegie

It doesn't matter about how important anything is to anyone else. I have to keep on trying when there seems to be no hope. Things that are important to ME are my priority.

The medications I am make me goofy and puffy. I'm not overly thrilled by this. I'm not complaining though because they are helping my body heal. I want to work out so badly, but I can tell I am just not ready. My lungs are still struggling. :( I'll get a few more answers tomorrow at one doctor and then I make ANOTHER appointment for a 3rd doctor for my bloodwork. Its odd how much we take our bodies for granted. The marvelous and incredible design that they are. SOO intricate. I've been overwhelmed at the number of things that affect each other. The medications and chemical reactions is insane. How we have come up with anything to fix in anything in our bodies is beyond me. Our bodies are amazing- no matter how we feel about them when we want more. Our bodies are good, and wonderful and amazing. Sometimes they break or malfunction, but they can be healed and function the best they can if we take care of them. No more angry or abusive thoughts towards my body. I will now take care of and respect the amazing being that I am.

Ramblings

2009-01-24T07:02:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a little better than last night. Thanks for the comments. (((HUGS)))

I cried a little, ate dinner, took my meds and put on some relaxing sleep music with rain. I really just wanted to hear the rain. It won't rain here probably for another couple of months and then it will be cold and gloomy. Like now, only with rain instead of snow. I find rain and storms to be soothing. I usually just want to lie down somewhere and close my eyes. Even during storms. Then I am usually wanting to take pictures too, lol.

I keep having anxiety about work. It really sucks. I'm trying to reprogram my brain and calm down, but its not working. My chest starts hurting and I realize its getting stupid. I wish my job didn't depend on numbers. :( I want to call off. I need to rest more. My chest is hurting- because I am freaking out, and my pills are finally at the point where they are messing up my digestive system. Yay. :( I hoped I might be able to miss out on that part, but I've had this medication before. I can't take time to heal because my numbers depend on me being there. *ugh*

I better go get ready for work. Oy.

Ugh

2009-01-23T20:26:00.002-05:00

I feel so overwhelmed right now. I need to talk and there isn't anyone I can really go to. :( I feel like I can't breathe. I feel alone and frustrated. My attempt to meditate didn't go so well. I am extremely burdened right now. God, I just want to run away some where. I feel like everything is crashing down on me. How much more can I take?
I'm trying to work on another income option and I just feel so inadequate. :( I need to go back to school.... but HOW? I don't know how to make any of this work. :(

I feel so stupid and hopeless.

Cloudy Vision

2009-01-23T19:06:00.002-05:00

Right now its hard for me to see myself on a stage anytime soon. Its hard for me to focus. I'm frustrated that I can't work out. I got sent home from work today because my breathing is so bad. My chest really hurts. :( I'm on a ton of meds to make me better. I'm just not better yet. I want to lift and do cardio. I feel like a fat, lazy bum! I haven't been 100% on eats. I know that eating clean is totally separate than working out. One does not preclude the other. They are two separate functions that both must be done 100%. One doesn't make up for the other, yet... when I miss workouts I get that fatalistic thinking. The thinking that since I am not working out.... I can eat this. *UGH* That's the reverse of what I should be thinking! Everything just feels better about my day when I workout first. I'm tempted to do something tonight. I just KNOW that it is NOT smart. Grrrr.

So I can't visualize my weight loss right now. I can't see the stage. I am gaining weight from the meds I am on. I can't workout. Let's add hubby being a jerk and loads of work stress. I'm feeling lost. I'm stumbling through the woods with no clear direction. Its foggy and I am getting smacked in the face with tree branches.

One thing I miss the most that I haven't done since last spring is Yoga. I miss it SO much. Doing some Yoga and meditation will help. Instead of fighting my way through this I need to just stop and recenter myself. I have a pile of worries and tears. I need to sit down and just breathe. I think this bronchitis is actually a gift. Its forcing me to have some down time. No more spinning in circles.

Sometimes the best way to clearer vision is to close your eyes.

Becoming Myself

2009-01-22T08:33:00.003-05:00

“Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive.”

-- Gerard Way

That one made me giggle...

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

-- Anna Quindlen

Its no secret that I hate my job. Its filled with a ridiculous amount of stress that stems mostly from one person. My boss is neurotic, micro-managing, condescending and often irrational. When he relaxes for a moment and the real man comes out, he's a caring and understanding guy. *headthunk* It makes it so hard to just plain hate the man. It would be easier on my psyche if he abused animals or something. Instead, despite HR calls and reports, there lies inside a real person, a real human being- not the monster he becomes at work. I guess its a good thing to remember and know. I just wish he'd stop being an insane, degrading, know-it-all whacko. *sigh* Aside from the stress of him and the constantly increasing goals, I really am bored. I don't really like my job much at all anymore. The people I work with are okay, some I am close to, but I'm just not invested anymore. There is no future for me there. No chance to move up and I can't handle the types of business I want. I WANT to sell to businesses and can't because I am in the retail channel. Either way... its not what I want to do.

So, what DO I want to do? Well... I want to really work on my photography. I love taking pictures. Lately I haven't had the fire. It makes me sad because I love looking at life through a lens. I am taking some maternity shots for my coworker/friend. I've never done anything like it, so it will be a good experience for me and a free maternity shoot for her. At worst, we redo some shots and/or she hires a pro after all. Either way, its a good deal for both of us. Another coworker is pregnant and I she wants hers done, too. I will most likely do hers, too. I have to be honest and say that I prefer chasing bugs and capturing flowers. I prefer nature over portrait stuff. However, I think I could become good at people photography if I wanted to. My ultimate dream would be to shoot in Africa- capturing the amazing wildlife and people on that continent. Heck I'd be able to travel everywhere- anywhere- and take pictures. THAT's the ULTIMATE dream for me. In order to do those things, though I need money. I need to buy better and more camera equipment, I need airfare and traveling expenses, etc. I want to be healthy and athletic. I like to get close so I need to be healthy and athletic if I need to run! lol
I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I see the world outside and know that I just *HAVE* to get out. I need to stretch my wings and gain strength. I need to fly... I need to fly... This is the key to becoming myself...

*wow* While I was going to get a few pics to post here, I noticed that the number of views on my photo site have blown up! :D
Examples...

Sleep Does A Body Good

2009-01-19T21:51:00.002-05:00

I slept a huge amount of the day yesterday and I slept in today. I got as much sleep as I could. I felt off this morning, but I feel a lot better now. I'm still coughing up a lung now and then, but I am trying to take it easy. I took my supps today. I drank some ACV in hot water last night and more today. I think that may have helped knock some of the infection. I am going to do my workout tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I will back off if need be. I should be able to do lower body without too much of an issue. Everything else we will play by ear. I have to be careful but I can't just be a bum. In a positive note- I lost 2 lbs since I took out the ring. Nothing else has changed. I am pretty happy about that. Maybe its the ring that was causing more issues after all.

I am off to bed. Sleep is a wonderous healer....

Love this Girl

2009-01-18T21:45:00.002-05:00

I like to torture myself by looking on Petfinder. I wish I could rescue every animal! If only I could...

She is so sweet. Check out Rosie's Video. Its cute!

Maybe I can convince the man that she is part of my therapy- for asthma and PCOS.... ummmm yeah.... worth a shot... :P

Okay... back to my bed to dream about dogs and flowers and floating and other weird things... I think I've been half-hallucinating...

Can't Keep A Good Woman Down

2009-01-18T11:14:00.002-05:00

I am feeling slightly better than death today. My breathing is pretty shallow and exertion causes a coughing fit. I worried about going to the Urgent Care around here because everyone tells me (including some online reviews) that they wouldn't go there if they were dying. :( I will most likely just go to my jerk doctor tomorrow. Better than the other place. I wanted to do some kind of workout, but I know better. I'll end up in the ER at this pace.

I not going to be kept down, damnit! I will keep fighting. Dates don't matter at this point. I am just not going to be kept down. The world will have to kill me first. I'm just going to keep getting back up. I will not be destroyed. I have to be stronger, harder, wiser. I'm gonna win. I am a fighter.

Hormones... Headaches... Weight

2009-01-17T06:27:00.003-05:00

I have an appointment in a week and a half. I need to get some answers. I had to take out the Nuva Ring. It was causing me some issues that I couldn't ignore anymore. The down side? I have killer headaches. Migraines. Hormonally induced headaches that nothing will fix but some other hormones. My neck is hurting from the tension. :( My stomach is in knots. *ugh*

I have lost 1.5lbs since taking the ring out- no other changes in diet or anything. I am truly frustrated right now. Hopefully we can get some hormone things figured out soon. Blood tests are being ordered. I may end up Metformin for Insulin Resistance. Eating clean and pushing hard in my workouts should yield more results. I should be dropping the weight. The only tiny shred of hope I am hanging on to (in order to stay sane) is that I read people with PCOS build muscle faster. So yeah.... Its muscle weight. *ahem*

I have to work today and I don't know how much I can do or how long I will last. If my head is like this all day I might explode. :(

Poo in your own yard!!

2009-01-16T09:52:00.003-05:00

Kelly O- this made me think of your vlog yesterday...

FRICKIN JERK! Just let his dog crap in my yard! He lets his dog pee on my flowers in the spring and summer. Grrrrrrrr. Now I just watched him let his dog crap all the way up by my fence. Its not even close to the sidewalk. I am SOOO going to talk to him next time I see him. He didn't even clean it up!! I feel like flinging the dog poo at him! Seriously??? I mean really??? Stupid jerk. Must be nice to not have to clean up any dog crap in your own yard dumb guy! I am going to sit outside with a super soaker or something. lol It was WAY too cold to go running outside right now to yell.

I have asked him to not let his dog pee on my flowers. It kills them. I'm not even irritated at the dog. Its totally the dumb owner. I'll let it go soon enough, but I'm considering putting a sign up. Can I call the police? lol I'm just that pissed off. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its just rude. I wouldn't care if he cleaned it up but he didn't. I don't have a dog. I REALLY want one. I have owned dogs before and never let them dig in people's yards or pee on flowers or poo. If it was unavoidable for them to poo then I cleaned it up. Not the funnest thing, but its the responsible thing darn it! I am not cleaning up dog poo if I don't get the fun and companionship of the dog! Idiots.

K. Rant over. I'm off to get ready for work.

Hidden Treasure?

2009-01-15T18:43:00.003-05:00

So I was cleaning up around the house and going through some boxes from our move (almost a year ago!-yikes) I FORGOT I bought some velvet material to use as a back-drop for pictures. I think there just might be enough to make a suit! Its like finding a hidden treasure! I'm not sure if I can give someone the material to use to make my suit or what, but it is pretty cool. Its so soft and pretty. :) It also collects lint and hair well. lol

Suit material, shoes, pictures and quotes daily... I have all the reminders and motivations possible. Hopefully getting my hormones straightened out will help. I am going to get healthy, strong and sexy!

I can't believe this- watch the whole thing

2009-01-15T17:42:00.001-05:00

This is my last fat birthday

2009-01-15T06:13:00.002-05:00

I had wanted to be so much further than I am. I was supposed to be at least 25lbs lighter. But today, I am definitely not anywhere near where I wanted to be. In some ways I am super bummed. Its not like I'm not working hard. Other people I know can just stop drinking pop and eating fast food and the fat comes flying off. Not me. Its frustrating, but years of damage can't be undone that fast I guess. I have to work harder, be more diligent, monitor thing more closely... It is what it is. Despite the frustration of being fat for my 31st birthday, I can say I am healthier than I WAS. I can also say, this is my last fat birthday. Yup. I will never be this way again. Once I get healthier, stronger, sexier- there is no undoing that. Each day is another day away from discomfort, embarrassment, self-doubt & self-consciousness, fear, awkwardness and self-loathing. Each day that I do the right things, eat clean, lift heavy, run or bike hard, each day brings me closer to my ideal self.

Today is my last fat birthday. Its a cause to celebrate!

Baby Its Cold Outside!

2009-01-14T10:56:00.002-05:00

Its 5* F outside. Brrr.... Its also snowing... AGAIN. I guess that will teach us all to complain about the gray and non-snowy winters. lol One of these days I will get a webcam and vlog. Then I can show you all my pretty snow.

Today was a rough start, but I'm okay now. I'm working out tonight. I went back to bed and snuggled with the hubby. It was much needed.

I'm hoping my supplements get here soon. I'm guessing I won't see them until next week though. If I would have made it to the meeting I would have been just fine. I am out of UMP and have one more serving of MP. *gasp* I might have to suck it up and get some Muscle Milk. The hubby will definitely use it anyway. Its just not the same.

I have to go get bundled up now. I don't know how people live in Canada or Montana or Minnesota. WAY too cold for me! I saw a report for Minnesota that said -35 feel like -54. Excuse me??? Nothing FEELS like -54! LOL It just feels like death! Things are breaking off your body at that point!

Fitday

2009-01-13T19:38:00.002-05:00

So I decided to go back to using Fitday. I know I do so much better keeping solid track of things. Thanks Tracy for bringing it up. :) I am having issues getting my Blackberry to work on the site right, but I'll figure something out.

Today I got all my meals in. I had to have another snack- I am STARVING. Weird. I am just thinking its my metabolism. :) I missed the OR in my plan. *doh* Oh well. At least I didn't eat junk. I had an apple and it was like HEAVEN. I LOVE my Gala apples. I feel good and so proud I managed to get all my darn meals in! Woooo!

The District Manager was in today. Kinda annoying having her around every moment, but it was ok. She apparently had some positive things to say about me (which surprised me). The boss won't say what though. He's too busy to talk. *sigh* Whatever. I'll get the scoop from someone else eventually.

Anyway... here is my nutrient breakdown for today. The apple definitely threw the carb numbers up higher, but I think the cals may still be low. Hmmmm... even with the extra snack? Not sure. According to Fitday I burn over 3,000.... In my brain eating over 1000 calories is major. I was on a restricted diet once from an MD that was 1,000 calories and the number has stuck with me since then. It seems like 1400 isn't enough either though... now that I am lifting and working out so much. Hmmmm

Protein- 58% 200g
Fat- 26% 40g
Carbs- 16% 60g

I admit the fat number freaked me out, too. That's from the Natural PB I had with my delicious apple. I'm excited to record tomorrow's numbers. :)

Here's the link to my fitday journal if anyone wants it... Musicgirl

Ah Suits....

2009-01-12T18:53:00.002-05:00

I think I really want to stone my own suit. Its not so much about the price- though money is a bit tighter than I like right now. I mostly just want to be creative and do it myself. I like doing things like this. :)

I haven't decided who to go to and if I should just get something with some stones on it already to use as a guide. I've never done anything like this, so it will be all new. :)

I like this blue suit.

I like this one too, though.

I haven't found a turquoise one yet that is in my range. I guess I could email someone for swatches and see if they will just sew a suit...

A sigh of relief and a fresh start

2009-01-10T18:38:00.003-05:00

My new target comp date for now: June 27, 2009 Tracey Greenwood Figure - Philadelphia, Pennslyvania

I may choose to kick it into gear for an OCB show in May, but for now, I'm chilling out. Back in November it was a close enough call to start dropping some weight. Since things are tough and not going as planned, I am just going to wait to do the Lakewood show. They have another in October that I really want to do, too.

I talked to my trainer today and I feel a lot better. I thought that I would actually like carb cycling. I actually kinda do but I think I need something more steady. We discussed a little about the damage I have done to my body of the years of yo-yo dieting. I have done plenty of starvation type diets in my time and my body is a pro at hanging on to fat in case there is a famine. At this point I don't even think straight-up anorexia would make me lose weight. (I'm only half kidding) The plan now is to get my metabolism healed and then revved up. I am going to do something different with my cardio, too. Time to mix up it more.

THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH for yesterday, friends. I really just felt like the ugliest, fattest, grossest chic ever. I put on a new outfit I bought (that actually fits instead of being a baggy mess like most of my clothes, lol) I felt a little better. Then the hubby took a picture of us with the webcab. When I saw myself on camera I was surprised. I still don't like where I am at, but I am doing better. I actually kinda liked me for once.

So now the process is about liking me and getting me healthy instead of trying to get on a stage. I'll get my booty on a stage and rock it soon enough. For now, its about something more important.

(yeah, my hubby is a long haired hippy type! LOL.... and yes he is a musician, too- seriously)

Failure... I am a flower

2009-01-10T10:20:00.003-05:00

“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.”
-- Dale Carnegie

“If we don't see a failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personality defect, we will immediately feel overwhelmed.”
-- Anthony Robbins
(wow did that one hit me...)

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."
-- Corita Kent

"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."
-- Mary Pickford

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
-- Confucius

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there."
-- Edwin Louis Cole

Some wise words to reflect on...

Defeated, cheated... challenged?

2009-01-09T10:16:00.002-05:00

I hate to post negatives. I just need somewhere to dump this right now. I am feeling so low. :( I feel defeated. Not only has the scale given me the finger, my tummy is bloated. (I'm sure its from the carb up meal). Either way I feel incredibly fat and gross. To seal in this horrible feeling... I went to buy some new clothes for work and well... I just feel like I can never find anything cute. I feel like I am doomed to dumpy, frumpy ugly clothes. Last night I managed to somehow flex and pose just right and I saw the beginnings of - OMG- shoulder caps! Today? Gone. Long gone. Covered in a layer of flabby fluff. :( I felt so horrible after trying on clothes. I feel disgusting and there is no way I am standing in front of anyone taking pictures of this nastiness. White, pasty skin and fat. Oh and can I mention the 7 zits that amazingly appeared in 2 days?? What the hell? I don't get it. I feel like my body is in complete rebellion mode. I still get the occasional acne, but this is CRAZY! I look like I did in 5th grade! *ugh* I feel so ugly and gross. I can't help it. What am I supposed to do?
Our meeting at work this morning was great. (*sarcasm*) The boss told me I can't have anymore weekends off. No more Saturdays. Wha??? The District Manager said no vacations can be guaranteed, either. So.... I will work my heart off trying to make it to a comp to be denied? I am just beyond frustrated. I feel like a prisoner. I feel like I am being cheated out of life. A job that supplies income shouldn't suck the very life out of me. Its not fair. I know life isn't fair, but this isn't the way I want it. I am trying so hard and I just feel like I have failed. I have failed at life. I can't go back to school- not enough money or time. I have nothing to fall back on other than more retail. I am doing my best working out and eating clean and yet my body refuses to change. I feel like I have nothing more to give.

The team meeting is tomorrow. The weather forecast for the state? Snow. Lots of it. 8 inches here by tomorrow. My car absolutely sucks in the snow. I am going to have to leave at 3am to get to the meeting if the weather is that bad. I'll be sick to death the entire drive too. I feel sick thinking about it. :(

This too will pass... its a challenge, right? If not, I'm done. I feel like I am just not capable of dealing with pile of challenges and stress that just got dumped on me. :(
I HAVE to find another way to get income. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

Hello Sickness....

2009-01-08T05:42:00.003-05:00

Blah. I have been fighting this head cold that has been slowly creeping in. I am a full head of junk right now. My eyes are swollen and my ears hurt. yay. Just in time for my Team Meeting on Saturday. Seriously? I think all the stress from work and trying to workout hardcore is wearing my body down. I haven't gotten enough food in all week. It hasn't been terrible until yesterday. I am trying not to feel defeated, but today I don't have the extra. I think I need the rest. Hopefully I won't get worse and I can workout tonight. After all the nonsense they dropped at work today and the rest they are dropping on Friday... This job is dumb. Its really stressing me out. I'm trying to do "The Secret" thing and put positive out there, but its so hard. I am feeling alone in this struggle. The DH is seriously not seeing how miserable I am. Doesn't matter how much I tell him. I am exhausted. I'm going back to bed now. I'll get up and try to have a more positive attitude. I am a fighter.

Not such a good day

2009-01-07T22:15:00.002-05:00

Today was pretty off. I had 3 meals. :( I started to have lunch and I got pulled off. I am so tired of this. I can't kick back hard or my bosses will make it nearly impossible to reach my goals. I hate that they have so much power. :( I am looking every day for a new job, but its not hopeful.

I'm wiped out and I am irritated. Argh!

I did get my workout in this morning...

All over the place... lol

2009-01-05T06:54:00.003-05:00

This is going to be all over the place...

First- I just want to say a HUGE thank you to Tea, April, Marissa & Kelly for the support yesterday. It really means a lot and I am very grateful for you!

Second- Strawberry Extract makes my pancakes yummy. Watkins also has other flavors- like peanut butter extract! :P

Random thoughts that stuck out during The Secret last night--

Thoughts become things.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”- Buddha

When you visualize, you materialize.

The feeling will create the attraction.

The “How” will show up, its not my responsibility to worry over that.

“Money comes easy and frequently.” – Good mantra to use

This song came on this morning during my workout... Here are the first few lyrics

"Speed Of Sound"

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

These to verses really speak to me. How long am I gonna stand with my head stuck under the sand? Wow. How long, Hillary? How long? How long are you going to stay afraid and never start or never finish? When are you going to take the chances and opportunities? If you never try, you'll never know.
This is one of the major motivations for doing a figure competition. First its the challenge of getting there. Second, its getting over a lot of mental hang ups that stop me from pursuing anything that I want to try. For multiple reasons (some still unknown to me), I have hidden away under layers of fat, been afraid and paralyzed. I used to be more outgoing. Not a ton, but I would see what I wanted 85% of the time and go get it. I still held out on some things, but not like now.

So... I am in a better frame of mind today. Its all about the process....

HealthGirl

NEW BLOG

Headspace

Unload...

Genreal thoughts

Still goin'

This is what happens when I get sleep... Goals & The Path

just a quick vent

Frustration

It's all in the mind...

Reflection on my first big food hurdle

General Update

Realizations and Observations

Lazy Day

Trainer?

Stress is just an obstacle

Check In

24 weeks?

Its Good to Be Alive!

down but not out

Oh yeah!

Today... I WON!

Day by Day

Step by step

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Oh, It ON!

Supplements and Super Shake

A Beautiful Day

And the walls, come tumblin, tumblin

Keep Pressing Forward

having a bad moment

The Forgotten Mineral

ChaLean Extreme Day 4

ChaLean Extreme Day 1

Dr.s Appointment

*sigh*

Rainbows and such

Saturday

DWTS: Latin Cardio Dance

*sigh*

Timing

Sick of Broccoli??

DWTS- Steve Wozniak

Feeling Good

A bit of rambling on my health

Self Reflection

Migraines, binges, cats with high vet costs, OH MY!

Be Water

Ah, Hormones...

So far so good...

General Update

Time to be Concerned?

How?

LONG day yesterday

What am I up to?

Happines and the butterfly

History of My Quest for Thinness

Are You Disabled??

So What?

*Whoa! Now hold on there, Hippocrates!*

Now we're on the upswing

Rollercoaster

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch Changes...

My Insulin Resistance Program

You are like a baby...

What goes up, must come down....

Trying to avoid having one of THOSE days...

On My Own Again

Allergy Plan for February

Acknowleding Weakness

The Answer I Have Been Seeking?

Hormones

just in case

Today

Taking the detour

Mangatar

In the right direction

Ramblings

Ugh

Cloudy Vision

sigh

sigh

Whoa! Now hold on there, Hippocrates!