Having a moment

So I am having one of those moments. Its one where I am sitting here wondering what I am really thinking. Do I REALLY want to do this competition thing? Seriously? I look like a damn elephant stumbling around on slippery floors in these shoes. I'm good for a few steps and I get all confident and then its like ice skates. :( poo! My foot hurts a lot- its the one I was supposed to have surgery on next month. :( I need to lose more weight before I put myself down for 8 weeks.

I know everyone has moments in this process. I keep thinking there isn't a way for me to make my original comp date so why push so hard? Why? Because I HATE being this damn fat. Its now gotten to the point where I am getting pissy. Just get off my body, damnit! It didn't take me long to put on the 60+ pounds after we got married. In fact, 6 months after we got married the DH lost his job. I was stressed and financially burdened. Food was my only solace. My DH was going through a range of emotions and his business didn't take off too well. I felt so alone and angry. Cheap boxed, chemically laden, high sugar, high sodium, high fat food was what we could afford. When I needed extra support, there was always something easy to munch on. The weight started 6 months after we got married and 6 months after that I was huge. I would add 10lbs and then drop it and then add it again.

I feel so inept. I am so insecure and I hate it. I am watching old classic films. The way the people danced... *sigh* I feel like I will never be light enough or FREE enough to do that. I am so doubtful of my physical abilities. I feel like my feet are rooted somehow to the ground. Any attempt to dance or jump seems like major effort. :( I love ice skating and haven't gone since I weighed 126 lbs in college. I was thinking of starting with that. Maybe skating and feeling less weighed down would help break this mind trap. I want to dance. I want to move without restrictions. This fat suit needs to go!

I am worried about the team meeting. I am so hung up on looking like a big clutz. The group workout thing is making me anxious. I need to wear blinders so I can't see how behind I am. I'd like to be inspired, but mostly I end up feeling bad that I let myself get this way in the first place.

One thing I can say is that in 2008 I realized a lot of things. I became aware of many habits and thought processes. I am still working on redirecting and overcoming, but at least I am aware now. 2009 will be successful. No matter what happens, I am going lose the fat suit, dance and smile a lot more.

Shoes!

I ordered my shoes. I hope they arrive by Wednesday so I can start practicing... its going to take a lot of work to not kill myself in these things. lol

I am nervous about the team meeting in January. I hate being so darn self-conscious. I feel socially awkward, too. I just have to remember we are there to learn and support each other, not compare and criticize. So what if everyone thinks I am the fat chic who has no business being there? SO what? What happens if that's true? Does that mean I am any less capable? NO.

So... when I get my shoes I am gonna practicing walking in them like I BELONG in them. Because I do.

And He Said....

" Stop worrying about the scale and eat more chicken."


*sigh*

Sometimes my hubby IS right. lol

Scale, I hate thee... Sleep, I miss thee

I have heard and read so many good things about low carb/ carb cycling / Anabolic diet, etc. My trainer has me on some variation of these, though I won't get into specifics on it. I am just a gumpy bear. :( I know lower carb is better for me as a general rule. Too many carbs and I feel like a slug. Even just a correct portion size of complex carbs can do it to me. Anyway.... so I am following my diet without any cheats or variations. I am also following my workout schedule exactly. The only thing that is off is my sleep schedule. The DH has been sleeping in the bed instead of staying up all night working and chatting. That is messing me up. While I love him, I can't sleep with him hanging on me. Then he wakes me up at some stupid hour because he's feeling in the mood. Seriously. A man is gonna get hurt.

I felt great the first couple of days - but I was getting sleep. The last few have sucked! I am just irritated. I see the scale is up from a few days ago and I just want to chuck it across the room. I'm not working this hard for nothing, dangit! Scale, work with me here! Body, you can cooperate too. The mind is getting irritable. Someone could get hurt. :P

I'm just feeling all pissy-like this morning. Hubby woke me up way before my alarm and I don't think I can get back to sleep. I have too much to do today. Thanks a lot for keeping me awake the last few nights and then waking me up way too early on my day off. Thanks. And thanks scale for being a jerk, too. The scale has to be a male!

I hope to be back with a better attitude later.

If she can do it, so can I!

Tiffany Forni started at 235 lbs. She won her first figure show. Now she does fitness modeling on the side.

BEFORE



AFTER



Its been a struggle for me at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm too fat to try. Seeing someone like Tiffany helps a ton! She started at a higher weight than me. And now she looks fab! I lost 30 lbs this year. Not as much as I hoped for, but not too shabby either! I am looking to complete my fat loss journey in 2009- preferably in the beginning. Sure there will be tweaking, etc. but no major losses once the bulk comes off. :)

I have done well this week. It hasn't been easy. I do hope it gets a little easier with the carb cravings. And being a little less edgy would be good. I think its just the initial carb withdrawl. Afterall, I lived on almost carbs alone for quite a few years. Well, carbs and fat. I can look back and see how I basically helped reduce my muscle to minimal levels. Its frightening when I think about it. I'm so glad I am on the right track now.

Feeling better

So, I feel better this morning.

Last night was funny. My veins were all popped out! You could actually see veins that I didn't even know were there! lol I thought FOR SURE I was going to weigh a ton this morning. I still feel fluffy, but the scale stayed the same! I am off to do some cardio and legs. I am going to use the carbs to my advantage. :)

I miss my oatmeal! I'll survive. I get it on Mondays and Thursdays. So its not completely gone.


Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. It was rough for me, but I'm moving forward. I promised DH that next year would be awesome. I'll be able to wear my sexy santa suit-complete with the fur trimmed boots! ;)

Had some carbs. Feel a little better.

I was going to delete my last post, but I want to be honest. I experience the ups and downs. I prefer to be positive, but I needed to get my feelings out. Maybe someone else can relate...

Anyway... I just didn't want the negative hanging around on the blog list...

:(

Today was a difficult day in so many ways. Food was actually not the monumental struggle it could have been. I think so many other things were weighing heavily on me that food wasn't that important to my senses.

I always get a little sad this time of year. No particular incident or memory, I just always have. As a teen I remember being sad a lot this time of year. I miss the innocence of Christmas. Working retail has ruined a lot for me. I get to see the ugliness of people.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection today. I feel like I have failed at life. I am not as strong as I once thought I was. I allowed myself to feel destroyed. My weight spiraled out of control, my jobs have taken a negative turn, and I just feel like the passion has left me. :(

I work a job that I hate- not because the tasks are hard (it is actually boring now). Its that my tasks require me to do something I can no longer be comfortable doing. I was never really comfortable, but survival kicked in. I am tired of hard selling people. I hate it. Its not right. I hate the constant nagging to tell customers they need something, they have to have x,y,z, its free for 30 days, etc. Its not cool. I am not considered valuable by my company because I don't feel I should be selling this way. I want people to get what they truly need. Sometimes that is the whole package. Sometimes, its not.

I feel like I may never be at peace unless I have my own business. In this economy, I haven't a clue what to do. I don't think I can sell enough calendars to make it. I just want to be me. How can I get to that point? I feel frightened by the world sometimes. Its not filled with nice people. I think I might be too nice and naive. Why is it such a bad thing to expect honesty and ethics? Morals? Are you out there?

I feel so burdened. I want to break free. I want to have time for me. I am trying to redo my health. I am trying to undo damage and sculpt an even better shape out in the process. I want to feel safe and at peace again. I want some time for mental clarity.

I want to help others in any way that is best. I want to laugh and love and smile... I want people to feel comfortable talking with me and I want people to feel better having interacted with me.


I know there is much to be grateful for. It just frustrates me that I should be grateful for a job that treats me (and many others) so poorly just because so many other people are losing their jobs.

I am praying for a better opportunity to come along. I need some steady income and a steady schedule would be great. One that allows for some time off for competitions! I am a great person. I can be good at anything once I learn. I just need to pull out my resume and give myself a pep talk...

I am not giving up. Today was just so overwhelming. I felt so alone. I am trying to keep my head up. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully after a night of sleep I will have some clarity about what to do next.

“Nothing external to you has any power over you.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


I love this quote. I really need to take it to heart. I struggle with being a victim when I don't need to. Nothing and NO ONE has power over me. Mean people suck, but that doesn't mean I should eat. If I do, I gave them power. The awesome smelling baked goods can be a pleasure to my nose, but not to my tongue. If I eat them, I give them power. Am I not more powerful than a cookie???? Of course I am. I am stronger than that. So far so good today. I am at the end of Day 3 for basically no carbs but veggies. I have to make it through to tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I get the motherload of carbs. lol I might freak out into euphoria. lol Its a good thing I am getting it Thursday night. I have to work Friday and I might hurt someone otherwise. :P

I want to cave and eat sugar, but I know its not the way to get things done. I don't have much time. I am basically 14 weeks out. I am praying for a miracle. I am just going to do my best. Nothing less is acceptable. Its going to be great to look back 14 weeks from now and go- WOW. I really busted my butt! Look how awesome I am. ;)

Okay, off to make some approved meals.

Gray Day

Today was a rough day for me. I just felt sad all day for no apparent reason. I am TOTALLY stressed about my job. The bigwigs are at it again. I am all for challenges, but when you start making the hurdles bigger and bigger and then throw a skyscraper on the track and say "hurdle this", its doesn't work. I feel like we are all just standing at the base of the tower, looking up, scratching our heads and asking how we are gonna manage that? *sigh* Dark, gloomy skies aren't the best for me either. Stress, gray skies, and being tired. I ate clean!! I didn't fail at eating and that makes me happy. I wanted to accomplish more around the house today. Its a disaster. I slept a lot again. I think I just need it. I suppose the sudden reduction in carbs probably has an effect as well. I actually like it better this way, but its an adjustment. I think I need to either go tanning or get one of those SAD lights. Low carbs, work stress and gray skies = trouble. I need to get ahead of the game now.


I have been looking at shoes all day. I can't decide what size heel. 4" sounds a little more doable. I was thinking for my first show, maybe start with that. 5" heels would make me 6'! Whoa! :) Strap or no strap? Little platform or none at all? I am nervous about this because my dang feet hurt in flat shoes as it is. I will eventually have to give in and have surgery on my feet. I was supposed to do it this January, but I would rather get into awesome shape first and compete.

Here are my shoe choices so far...






I'm leaning no strap, but I'm afraid I might need it! lol