Time to be Concerned?

I don't know if its time to be concerned or not. I may be seeing my doctor soon. In the last 6 months my doctor has put me on Prednisolone twice- its a corticosteroid that was used to treat my bronchitis. I also got a shot in November of a corticosteroid (I can't recall the name). Each time while I was taking it, I lost weight despite the fact I had reduced exercise because I couldn't breathe well. I have been done with my last dose for over a month now and I've noticed more things. About 2 weeks after the dosage, I became ravenous for food. I sorta thought it was early PMS. I also gained quite a bit of weight back. I figured it was PMS and poor diet. Well, I also started getting bloody noses. Not like blood dripping out of my nose, but any time I blew my nose it had lots of blood and blood clots in it. Today I got the sensation my nose was running and it was blood! I'm kinda freaked by it. I have NEVER had a bloody nose. Never. I have had a nasty headache on and off today and now the bloody nose thing? Ugh. I have been having some headaches recently but again I attributed that to hormones. I haven't been on any birth control for 2 cycles now. My period was a week late last time so I took a test. Negative. So ... I am reading that the Prednisolone can have some of these side effects. How do I stop them? Bloody nose, headaches, mood swings, increased appetite, facial twitches, weight gain and acne. I feel like I am PMSing this whole month. The acne is getting worse. The headaches and nose bleeds just scare me though. I'm not off of work again until next Friday. UGH.

I am trying to stay calm. I'll have to call and make an appointment on Monday. I know its not the house being too dry causing the nose bleeds. We have the humidifier on and I have had dry nose issues way back when we had electric heat. This is totally different.

How?

Having a rough morning. I'm exhausted. Had another long day and I just want to sleep today but can't. Another day of work. Thank goodness I have tomorrow off. I am just so tired.

I don't know why, but this week I had some major realizations. First, everyone is broken in some way. I used to feel like I was the only one who wasn't ok. I felt alone and rejected. This week I have seen a large portion of my customers under some influence (ie drugs or alcohol). Some customers have had major health issues. One coworker is under some kind of influence- it makes him super aggressive. And the latest thing that is *really* bothering me is one coworker is bulimic. This one makes me the saddest. She has a rough life at home. Her parents are control freaks and so is her husband. Its easy to forget that she is a person, too. Everyone at work looks at this 40yr old woman and sees a meek and mild woman who eats probably too much, is kinda ditzy but funny and that's it. There is no more to her than anyone else. But there is. She has kids, she has hobbies, she has dreams and desires. I noticed strange habits 8 months ago, but didn't connect it because she said she didn't feel good and was seeing the doctor. It all clicked this week because I noticed a direct pattern. She has always eaten large amounts of food. She hides in her car and eats a lot before she comes into the lunch room and eats more. She has left the toilet seat up multiple times in the bathroom. The other day I heard that cough sound in the bathroom and she came out moments later with her face all red and her eyes watering. I asked if she just threw up- but only because I thought she had genuinely gotten ill. Her eyes got really big, she said No and ran away. It all came together. I have heard her a couple more times this week. :( How do I help? How can I fix her? I can't. I can't fix anyone. I hate seeing her like this. I hate feeling to helpless. What can I do to help her better her life? For now I guess I just work on me and do my best to let her know I care. I won't confront her or accuse her. That will just drive her further away. :( I just want to help her. But how?

LONG day yesterday

I was at work from 7am to 9:20pm yesterday! :O

I'm still really tired and not in the mood to work out. I'm in the mood to stay in bed where its warm and comfortable. :P But, I am up and getting ready to push it hard. If I don't I'll feel bad about it. Once I get going its fine. Considering my day yesterday, I shouldn't even be upright, but I feel pretty decent. I never would have thought vegetables were quite so critical. Vegetables are fiber, acid neutralizers and important nutrients in one package. I'm still adjusting to vegetables at breakfast. After years and years of the cereal or sweets for breakfast mindset, veggies seem... wrong. lol I suck at making omelets but hope to improve. Right now its kinda like scrambled eggs and spinach instead of a Spinach Omelet. :P

Okay, off to work some muscles.

What am I up to?

Today, I got my hair done. It looks great. Let's see if I can style it tomorrow. :P
I also got that Snuggie thing from TV. Its soft and snuggle-y. :) Very warm.
I bought the Magic Bullet for work. No excuses to not have an awesome shake.

I am really happy with my program. What program is that? I decided after doing some research and hearing from some Tracker friends what their experiences were, that I would try Precision Nutrition. It has a money back guarantee and I have tried most other things, so why not? Right? No. I really feel that this in in perfect alignment with my current goals. I am especially pleased with the plant based diet portion. I have more freedom. I can have my fruit. I am personally applying the Glycemic Load principles as well. I am learning even more about nutrition and I like that. I feel less burdened and more excited about my meals. I don't have this weight hanging on me. I'm not sure why, but the freedom is working. I feel less like bingeing and more like eating what I need to. I am excited to be nourishing my body instead of poisoning it. I feel aligned with this program and that is so critical to my success.

I hate restrictions. I hate being told no. I hate anything that means- I can't. Its a constant mind game with myself. If someone says "You can't do that because you are girl"- I'm all over it to show them that girls can do it too. "You can't" is a challenge. Always has been. So now... "You can't have X,Y,Z" becomes a challenge. Even though I know that hot chocolate and Chipotle aren't not in my best interest, they are that much more desirable. Dumb. I am working on this rebellious nature of mine, but in the mean time PN allows me to be 90% on plan with success. This helps with this internal rebellion of mine. It also helps that I can have almonds and strawberries and not feel guilty. Having more variety and AWESOME recipes allows me to be creative and I won't get bored.

I am just so excited to be nourishing my body. My mind is in such a different place right now. I have my initial measurements and will post my progress as I go. I am so pleased. :)

Happines and the butterfly

Eve had this quote in her blog-

"Happiness is like a butterfly: The more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

— Henry David Thoreau

This quote brought me to tears this morning.

Some of you know that I love taking pictures and that one day I hope that my photography can earn me income so I can take more and more pictures. ;)
Anyway... I know all too well how the butterfly flutters about not wanting to be captured. I only want to take its pretty picture! Still- it is difficult. My most prized encounter was a time I went camping. I was following a trail and had seen a butterfly. Off I went mindlessly following it. I lost sight of it eventually, so I stood and watched the sunlight dancing on the brook. I just relaxed and took in the moment. Then the most magical moment happened. The butterfly I pursued came and landed on my shoulder!!! I SO wanted to take a picture but it was impossible! My husband saw it but had no camera and didn't want to scare it away. It was amazing. It graced me with its beauty and soft tickly feet. It only stayed for a minute but I felt peace the rest of that trip like no other. Mr. Thoreau is absolutely correct. You can't chase happiness (or a butterfly). But if you just wait and take in everything around you, you may just get more than you hoped for.

History of My Quest for Thinness

"Eat THIS, not That". "No, eat THAT, not This." "This is good for you, That is bad." "That is good for you and This is bad."

So goes the diet and health industry. Most of the time whatever is good or bad for you depends on what is being sold. I've been sold on a lot of things in my career as a lifetime dieter. In my younger years, I'd try anything. As I got older, I would get desperate. I have had brief encounters with healthier options but usually results weren't instantaneous and I would get impatient. What was happening on the inside was not as important as what changes occurred on the outside. I wanted exterior results.

Now as I yo-yoed further and further from my goals, I started seeking more energy,too. Being overweight was taking a toll on my energy. Somewhere along the line I was just plain exhausted. I was at a lighter weight- 135 and things seemed to keep getting worse. I would have moments of more energy, but that seemed to wane into exhaustion.
There are myriad of things (symptoms or dis-ease) that were happening at various times throughout my journey. Sometimes they coincided, sometimes they were separate. Mostly though, they were present together. Allergies, congestion, chronic sinus infections nausea, exhaustion, skin irritations, and asthma. The main constants were allergies, congestion, asthma and fatigue/exhaustion. I was always searching for a way to look good and feel good.

Things I have done/tried/ingested, etc. for weight loss: (in no particular order)

* Richard Simmons (I remember exercising with my mom to a Richard Simmons Record!!) Is this where it all began???
* Chromium Picolinate
* Slim Fast
* Tae Bo
* Metabolife
* Xenadrine
* Hydroxycut
* Slim & Healthy Weight loss center- supps & diet program
* Juice Fasting
* Colon Cleanse
* Working out at the gym (with no clue on nutrition)
* The Master Cleanse
* The South Beach Diet
* The Cabbage Soup Diet
* The Grapefruit Diet
* Weight Watchers
* Yoga
* Lipo 6
* Hoodia
* Super Citramax
* Doctor Supervised Weight loss- including a prescription called Adipex
* Cinnamon & ACV Supplements
* Body For Life (x2)
* Vegetarian diet (this wasn't just weight loss oriented)
* The Rice Diet
* Personal Training
* Carb Cycling
* Glycemic Index Approach
* Starvation & Extreme Low Calorie Consumption

Sadly, I'm sure there are few more things I have forgotten about, but you get the idea. Atkins is not on the list because I never did like meat and couldn't stand the thought of the whole program. I saw my mom lose weight and rebound in a terrible way so she learned that lesson for me.

There is NO miracle pill. The closest was Adipex. Let me tell you- that drug was ADDICTIVE. It was seriously like legal cocaine or something. STRONG appetite suppressant, nice upper - lots of energy, never fatigued. Coming off of it meant anger, depression, fatigue & cravings for more... I *needed* to stay on it to continue losing weight. As soon as I had lost enough weight, the doctor removed it from the plan. I found myself starving- the hunger was intense. I couldn't get enough food. I was drinking tons of water to try and satiate the hunger but no go. Even when my will power was strong and I didn't over eat for several weeks in a row, the weight just kept piling back on.

Over the years I have done some serious damage to my body. Its no wonder I am where I am today. Binging and starvation cycles with supplements/ prescription drugs and whatever else in between... all those things plus prescriptions (not related to weight loss) and genetic predispositions have all made their impact. I could be angry about this. I could blame my parents for lack of healthful eating or exercise role models. I could blame the fast food places, the government, the FDA... I could blame my coworkers, the food manufacturers, the internet, the world... I could even blame myself. I'm not going to blame anyone or anything. There is a lot of mis-information out there. Information that was previously thought correct and proven wrong later as well as outright lies. I have learned so much through every experience. I am now at a place where all these lessons and experiences are coming together for an epiphany.

I am taking a more holistic approach to things now. I have a lot of healing to do before my body will just give up the fat and be energetic again. Like a car engine with several issues, fixing one thing won't make everything run correctly. Each part needs to be fixed. As each part of my body gets tuned up, my metabolism will be corrected and a longer, and most importantly a HEALTHIER life will result.

I will write the specifics of my new approach in another blog. I'm still gathering and fine-tuning my ideas. I wanted to get my history down so I could reflect more on what I have gone through so far to get to this point.


Okay, I just had to.... THIS is a picture of the Richard Simmons Album my mom and I worked out to. It was from 1982!! I was about 5 when my mom and did this!! OMG!

Are You Disabled??

"If you can visualize doing something, you can do it- even if you have to adapt. We all have to endure challenging circumstances. If you choose not to overcome adversity, that's when you truly become disabled."

-- Amy Pudry

Amy Purdy knows adversity. She was 19 when she contracted bacterial meningitis. She almost lost her life. She won the fight for her life at the cost of her spleen, kidneys and legs. But she didn't just win the fight to live. She is ALIVE! She isn't a double amputee that sits still all day *longing* for the days of riding her snowboard. SHE DOES IT! She hasn't let what would be the BIGGEST obstacle- ever- stop her.
Check out the Jan/Feb issue of Muscle & Fitness Hers for an article on Amy.

It makes me stop. Too tired? Too much traffic? Too many temptations? Too hard? Not enough? Too much? Its not fair that...?

GET OVER IT!

There are SO much bigger obstacles in life. At least I have my legs! Since I have my legs I should use them. It really makes me pause. I need to be more grateful for what I have. And I need to take care of my body to the best of my ability. I need to use what I have!

So yeah. Disability comes from the mind. I have crippled myself long enough. No more.

How about you??

So What?

When did we become such babies? I've been thinking a lot about how NOT BEING COMFORTABLE influences everything we do as a society. I know on a personal level it affects me all the time. It doesn't apply in a way that indicates an actual pain or problem per se. Its manifests in a lazy way. "I don't feel like" is a common phrase that I catch coming out of my mouth. I don't feel like making dinner because I am tired. While that is a valid statement of being tired, is it REALLY that painful to make dinner? Really? And if I am truly TOO tired to cook, then odds are I'd be too tired to eat.
How about exercise? Do you skip workouts or more likely not push hard enough? Its easier to not push hard enough. I've gone through the motions of a workout to say that I got it done. Some activity is better than none, right? Its uncomfortable to push harder and be out of breath- or even to the "pre-puke" point. lol I know I am not alone in this. Looking around at the people in my city I can see that most folks use the drive-thru daily. I'm sure even less people worry about the exercise intensity as much as actually doing *something at all*.
So when did we get so lazy? Yeah, I said it! Do you walk all the places that your *really* could? Its easier to just get in the car and go. Our ancestors from waaaaaayyyyy back actually had to roam the land looking for food and avoiding being prey themselves. Not so long ago, people walked WAY more. They walked to work and back. They actually MOVED. Sure, they may not have felt like putting forth effort sometimes to do the things they had to do, but it wasn't so optional. I realize that in this busy, crazy, time crunched world we live in, that modern conveniences like cars, drive-thrus and microwave meals allow us to get more done. I absolutely believe that we work more, do more, stress more and live in dis-ease, discomfort and dis-health more too. Slowing down isn't always an option. The challenge is this- eating healthier and conditioning our bodies allows us to have less dis-ease. Quality of life is improved and stress levels generally decrease. So what if we don't feel like cooking? So what if we just go through the motions in our workouts. So what if we walk less, stress more, eat convenience foods? The consequences of discomfort (ie- choosing the healthy path) are far more beneficial than the consequences of dis-ease (ie- illness, stress, death)

So what's it going to be? Pushing harder and eating cleaner??? Yeah, that's what I thought. There was no "OR" option. ;)

*Whoa! Now hold on there, Hippocrates!*

“Obese people and those desiring to lose weight should perform hard work before food. Meals should be taken after exertion and while still panting from fatigue. They should, moreover, only eat once per day and take no baths and sleep on a hard bed and walk naked as long as possible.”
--Hippocrates

So... no baths and walking around naked as long as possible??? LMAO!!!

Isn't that just a sight? I'm down with the hard work before eating. I'm not fond of a hard bed, but if I'd lose weight I'd try it. No baths and walking around naked? Ummm, no. I have to say I have an exhibitionist streak hidden somewhere inside me, but this scary, blinding white, fat butt ain't walking around anyone without being covered! LOL

I love learning about what the "professionals", fathers and intelligents had to say about health, wellness and diseases. Hippocrates is considered the father of modern medicine- hence the Hippocratic Oath that doctors take. Hippocrates had a theory/belief about the four humours in the body (blood, black bile, yellow bile and phlegm). If anyone of those was in disharmony or imbalanced, a dis-ease state (illness or lack of wellness) would be present. All fluids had to be in correct alignment to result in health. Fascinating!

I have always been interested in the body, health and how things work. I was a pro at my Anatomy & Physiology classes. I did great in Genetics classes- to the point where several professors and the head of the department asked me to take further courses and independent studies. I am fascinated by the human body. It truly is amazing.

Maybe one day I can get myself back into school and do something I enjoy- or at least something I would feel good about doing. For now, I guess I can just read and learn and review so that way when the time comes, I will be relearning and tweaking instead of coming from scratch. Much easier to manage the work and schooling that way.

Now we're on the upswing

So yeah, I AM a roller coaster. LOL
I got my big @ss on the bike and I feel so much better. I think higher sugar makes me depressed and cranky too. My sugar was 120 when I got on the bike. After my workout it was 82. MUCH better. My quads are getting so hard. I love it. Now if the back side would catch up! lol More donkey kicks in my future. I ended my workout with a kick boxing style random thing. "Fighter" was my last song so I hopped off the bike and kicked and punched and really raised my heart rate. It felt great.

I think part of my issue lately is that I miss cooking. I used to make some divine casseroles, awesome soups and stews and all sorts of other cool things. One day when I am in a more maintenance type phase I can go back and alter things and make them healthier, but right now I have to avoid most of the ingredients- like cheese and rice and potatos and flour and sodium. :P Starch is bad, mmmkay? (channeling South Park).

I am making a tortilla soup for tonight. I am going without the tortillas but I love southwestern/ texmex type of flavors. I am putting everything in the crock pot so that way when I got home late tonight I can't say I am too tired to make anything. :P Gotta have a plan. I'm off again tomorrow- *sweet* This is awesome. I can finish what I started yesterday.

Today is going to be a great day. It has to be. My eyes are on the positive.

Rollercoaster

Yesterday started well. I was on target with eating and working out. I lasted until about 2:45. Everything fell apart around then. I was cleaning my house up and doing laundry. I was feeling great and then out of nowhere... I started feeling tired. Then I started feeling sad and weepy. Then I was freaking out for sugar. I don't have any in the house. I needed sweets. :( I had chicken and veggies with a tiny bit of pasta- hoping that would fix the INTENSE craving. No go. I went out to buy coffee and came home with coffee, cookies and ice cream! I felt guilty, but did that stop me? Nope. I feel like a true addict. I don't understand. I was doing well. I wasn't feeling deprived or anything. I felt accomplished and positive. Out of nowhere I started feeling physically and emotionally whacked out. I checked my sugar when I was freaking out wanting it so bad. I thought it might be that I was low or something. Nope. I was just fine. The only thing I can think is it is related to cortisol. I am frustrated and confused. I just hate feeling like a victim. I hate feeling like I have no control. This is SO beyond will power. I was like a ravaging machine. If I didn't get some stupid sugar I was going to ... I don't know. I was freaking out though. Its worse now than I have ever experienced. I am off supplemental hormones. Maybe its that. Ugh. April 1st can't come quick enough.

I am swollen up today. I don't feel like working out. I am congested and grumpy. I got what I deserved after eating crap. I drank 5 liters of water yesterday. I ate clean until the evening. I worked out. I did some things right. I'll focus on that for now.

I'm up, down and all around. *sigh*

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch Changes...

:)
So far so good. I really think my new plan is the way to go for me right now. Next month I will add intervals, but for now I have to do long bouts of steady state cardio. I am also stoked to have fruit in my diet. Everything is based off glycemic load. Glycemic index is not the entire picture. My poor pancreas is producing so much insulin and my cells are not responding to the appropriate amounts. Keeping my blood sugar level is the key to getting my cells to respond to the insulin again. That will allow my pancreas to chill out and not work so hard. Anyway...

I changed my blog up a bit. I am going back to what this blog was intended for in the first place- its about health. I want to share whatever information I learn on being healthy. It could be a certain yoga pose helps with X,Y or Z. It can be the benefits of calcium or even about certain "dis-health" situations- like the insulin resistance topic I am working through. I hope that my friends will stick with me, but if my blogs are not of interest, I understand. I'll still post progress and goals, etc. I'm just not focused on competition anymore. That may change later on, but for now I am seeking balance. I sacrificed a lot this fall and winter. I unfortunately made little progress. Understanding what I do now, I can move forward and hopefully make huge progress this spring. I am not comfortable with being this fat- and yes friends, I am fat. Say whatever you like, but its there. The fat is all over and I am slowly melting it away. One day I won't say I am fat. One day I will say I am strong and sexy and HEALTHY. Fat has its place and purpose, but I have too much of it. This spring is the time for me to reshape and revamp my body. I have gained a lot of knowledge over time and now I can implement what I have learned so far.
I am in such a better state of mind right now. I know that it can change, but I am trying to stay focused on balance. Things in life will happen. Work will be the stressful environment it is. I can do what I can to stay positive and less stressed. Being less stressed comes from yoga and meditation, cardio and eating healthy.

:)

Non-related to most of the content of this entry...
When my tax return comes in...
I decided on the Sole F63 treadmill. I am getting my hair done. I am getting a webcam- I just might vlog! I may also buy more stuff for my photography. :)

My Insulin Resistance Program

I have come up with a program that I believe will reduce my insulin resistance and ultimately eliminate it completely. I have been doing A LOT of research the last week on diets and exercise, Insulin Resistance, Diabetes, Cortisol levels, PCOS, etc. I am a bit exhausted by all of it, but I believe I have come up with an acceptable program to be on my way to health. Once I am healthier I can tackle some fitness goals more aggressively. Right now, being overzealous in my training is a detriment to my progress. So, here is what I have come up with.

Goal- reduce / eliminate insulin resistance and lower cortisol levels by keeping blood sugar levels even.


Exercise Program

1.- Steady State Cardio 4x a week- 45+ minute sessions.
2.- Yoga- Power, Vinyasa Flow & Mixed 2-3x(approx 45 minute sessions)
3.- Weight Training Sessions 3x a week- Full Body Circuit Training

Nutrition Program

Breakfast- 1/2c Oatmeal & 4 eggwhites
Snack- AdvantEdge RTD or Strawberries & Almonds
Lunch- 5oz Chicken or Turkey Breast; 1c Broccoli or Green Beans
Snack- Apple & String Cheese or Protein Shake
Dinner- 6oz Chicken or Turkey Breast; 2 cups Salad with Balsamic Vinegar
Snack- (If needed)- Protein Shake or Cottage Cheese

Supplements
1. Biotin- 5mg
2. ACV
3. Tulsi Tea (Holy Basil Tea to reduce cortisol)
4. Lean Out (L-Carnitine, Chromium Picolinate) (Help Keep Blood Sugar even)
5. BCAA's during lifting sessions
6. Calcium * Magnesium
7. EFA- Fish & Flax Oil

Eventually, I'd like to reduce the supplement list. Right now I am dealing with PCOS, Insulin Resistance, High Cortisol levels, bone loss trending towards Osteopenia and overall, stress levels that are beyond unhealthy. I need to combat the stress primarily in order to have ultimate success. Meanwhile, I must supplement and do the best I can.

I have a lot of big goals this year, but the primary goal is getting healthy. :)

You are like a baby...

Since Tuesday morning I have been checking my blood sugar level throughout the day to see what it is and what affects it. Most of the time when I have been 100% its been on the lower end of normal and mostly stable. My meals have not caused dramatic increases or decreases. My highest peak 45 minutes after a meal (high protein, moderate carb) was 99. Out of 9 times checked, 7 were 85. Usually first thing in the morning (fasted state) or 2 hours after a meal. Its pretty consistent. That makes me feel pretty good. Here's the best reason of all for me to do this- yesterday I got no lunches or breaks. I had to cram protein pancakes in my mouth at random chances. I am SO glad I was prepared with those! I knew it would be busy, but my business deal kept me crazy busy and then the boss freaked and kept dumping more at me, so... anyway. I had chicken and pasta last night. It was a quick fix and I was STARVED. I know it was bad, but I didn't have much of a choice. I did resist all the sugary hot chocolate and candy, so... I could have chosen worse. At least I had protein. I didn't check my sugar after the pasta. I was tired anyway, so I just went to bed. I wish I would have checked. This morning after 7 1/2 hours... my sugar was at 120! I can only imagine what it was after the pasta. I didn't even eat a lot. It was 1 cup cooked. Wow. Tuesday and Wednesday morning it was 85.

I don't particularly enjoy the stabbing part of this (okay so its just a prick), but the feedback of what is happening in my body is rewarding. I'm not sure how long I will do this, but its of great use to me right now. Its keeping me focused on the HEALTH side of this. Sure I want to be a bombshell, but I need to be healthy on the inside. I won't compromise myself anymore. The days of fad diets, quick fixes, unhealthy pills or whatever are OVER as are the days of binges, hiding or stashing food and emotional eating. I'm not saying I won't struggle or stumble ever again, but I aim to walk tall, strong and healthy. My sister in law is diabetic. Her pancreas just stopped working right. She doesn't have a choice if she wants to stay healthy and avoid the complications of diabetes. I am going to walk that walk too. I no longer have the option of being immature in the mind and choosing low nutritional value foods. I deserve a healthy and strong body. My body deserves to be treated with respect and love. I wouldn't tell a baby how ugly it was and glare at it with disdain. I wouldn't feed it the crap foods in horrible volumes. I would love it and cherish it. I would feed it healthy foods at appropriate portions. WHY would I choose to do anything less for myself?

I am reborn! ;) How about you?

What goes up, must come down....

I just want to thank everyone for the support yesterday. My freakout is over. I woke up mad yesterday and made the mistake of getting on the scale. That made me even more mad. I rode my bike hard for a good sweaty workout, ate clean the WHOLE day- no nibbles or tastes, sold a ton of stuff at work and went to Power Yoga at night. I felt great most of the day despite feeling awkward in my clothes. I don't know, maybe I just needed a kick in the ass. lol I am ready for another clean day. I have to say it was hard a few times. I had that sugar need and yowsers! I needed food fast. My SIL gave me a meter to test my sugar. There are times in the afternoon I just feel horrible, so I am going to test and see if my sugar is low or high or normal. I usually feel lightheaded and dizzy and crave sugar, so we'll see.

Something Important- I threw out the sugar free syrup. Mine had aspartame in it!!?? I seriously think that was making things worse. I think that it made my cravings horrible and I think it was making me hold weight too! Check out this and this !
The first article is lengthy, but a very good read, period. The second is Jodi's blog and has info as well as a link to an article on aspartame.

Check it, learn it, live it!

Off for some EMC.

Oh and did I mention... I'm down 6.6 lbs this morning!!?? Woo Hoo! Stupid water, fat whatever! I'm in fat assault mode now, Baby!

Trying to avoid having one of THOSE days...

What the hell??? I woke up PISSED OFF at the world. I don't get it. I'm a real cranky biatch right now. I'm sure its some combo of hormones and whatever. Oh and I managed to gain 7 lbs in two days. Really? Well why don't I just go eat pizza and candy and whatever crap I want. I'm already WAYYYY off target. I should be losing not gaining. My clothes fit like shit. I feel like shit. I am freaking out. I am sooo hungry all the time. Nothing is effing helping. My lower abdomen is SO frickin puffed out. Its been getting bigger and bigger everyday despite clean eating. I have had hot chocolate, some Chex mix and an ice cream sandwich in the last 3 days. Not proud, but is that 7 lbs worth of calories??? Hell no! 24,500 extra calories had to be consumed. Uh.... definitely not. Even if I pigged out on pizza.... grrrrr. I have had low carb yogurt to help with my sugar cravings and I have actually eaten 5-6 times, but the calories are not that bad. I feel like starving myself. I swear. I know its not healthy. I am having a HUGE battle in my mind. I just hate this so much. I'm fighting to not spin out of control.

Waking up pissed off and 5lbs heavier than the day before is NOT the way I planned this. I am supposed to go to yoga tonight and quite frankly I don't want to go ANYWHERE. Not even work. Hell, I don't even want to be awake today. This blows.

On My Own Again

Well... I am on my own again. I had to take a break from training with Julie. I just couldn't afford it along with my stupid medications. It just didn't make sense for me to keep paying to reach a goal that isn't in sight for awhile. I have to take care of some of my medical issues first.

My eating has been less than stellar. I have been craving sugar in the worst way. I am feeling like an addict. I am starting fresh tomorrow with my meal plan. I'm going to do my best to eat like as if I am in fact 22 weeks out.

I am starting up my yoga practice again. I'm totally pumped too. I am going to classes two times a week. I really feel alive when I am actively practicing. I just feel like I am ME. Kinda weird maybe, but I feel at home on the mat. By the end of this year, I want to do the Scorpion pose



I am getting a treadmill of my own. :) Love the tax refund... I'm torn between the Sole F63 or F80. Its a $500 difference. *sigh*