Headspace

First I want to say I'm sorry for not commenting on everyone else's blogs lately. :(

I wish I was doing a positive blog. I just don't have it in me. I'm not in the best headspace. My energy levels have been absolute junk lately. I'm SO exhausted. Its stupid. My workouts are weak and I'm just wasted after doing them. I have had insane cravings- because I am tired. Add in some stupid work scheduling and an insane boss and well, what can a girl do? I'm trying to stay on track, but failing. I haven't been able to get to the dang grocery store for my food. I meant to last night but I was so tired I wanted a nap- and then I overslept. *dang* I feel fat and squishy. I hate this feeling. I liked feeling lean and strong. I'm so frustrated. I know what I need to do, but where is my spark? What happened?
I am absolutely miserable in my job. I feel so trapped. I feel like there is nothing I can do. No where to go. The job market here is terrible and I don't have the skills required for the jobs that are available. Going back to school isn't an option at this point. I NEED to keep my income, but the stress and overwhelming urge to run out of the door OR hurt somebody is getting to be too much. My boss makes my job miserable. There are enough trials and issues at my job to begin with. The company is making things a little crazy. I keep looking and looking for another way and I just can't find anything right now. Things were so bad yesterday I had 3 customers ask me what was wrong with my boss. Well... in psychology we call it neurotic and narcissistic. *sigh*
I've got to get my head back in the game. Hopefully talking to my trainer will at least help me get back into the fitness and comp prep game. I need that for my survival.
I'm a fighter. Some days I feel like lying down and giving up. I'm just so tired. That will change though. No one is going to keep me down. I'm not giving up. I'm taking a moment to restore my energy. Then... look out.

Unload...

Just call me Captain Grumpy. I have had less than 5 hours of sleep the last 2 nights and I've worked 2 10 hour days. I know for some people in other professions those days aren't that long. If I didn't have to deal with a certain person for the whole time it would be more bearable. The lack of sleep makes it that much harder to deal with him. I just can't handle the incessant blabbering of egotistical nonsense that gets spewed forth. Its topped with neurotic mind games where if you aren't him you can't win. You are and always will be wrong. *sigh*
I wish I was stronger and smarter, more skilled in something else. I wish I could get out of this situation. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to be in another high pressure sales situation. I like helping people. I don't have any kind of nursing or therapy skills. I wish I did because that is much more up my alley. I've wanted to go to massage therapy school for 6 years, but thought maybe I wouldn't be able to make money. Right now I hold our benefits and its a huge price break. I hate financial crap! I'm just not sure what to do or where to go. I'm feeling a bit paralyzed by this whole situation. I don't know how to get out of this in the current job market. Its hard to sell yourself when everyday you get told in some way that you aren't good enough. I have enough self-esteem issues, thanks. The boss knows how to beat people down. :(

I'm a barrel of frustration this morning. My weight is up today. Why? I dunno- cause I'm a girl? I feel puffy. Maybe its the antihistamine. I feel like I can't win. No drugs, no breathe. Drugs mean water retention. *bah!*
I feel like I am chasing my trainer down. He has missed calls with me and I was supposed to have a new plan for today. He's really nice and knows what he is doing, but I HATE feeling like a nag. God, I HATE it. I know he's busy, but the missed calls and lack of communication have me feeling like he doesn't want to train me. Its just my lack self-esteem screwing with me I'm sure. I am on a tight, tight budget, so I need an exact plan so I can buy the right groceries. If he changes a bunch of stuff and I need to go buy more things it really messes things up. I'm down to the last day of meals. I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I guess another email is in order. *damn*

You know its going to be rough when your horoscope tells you to "go ahead and have your meltdown". WTF? Its almost comical at this point.

Okay, I think the unload is over.

I've got to get some working out done. I'm praying for a good day. I need to have some awesome sales. Anyone need a netbook or mobile broadband (internet connection?) Heh. Yeah.

Off to conquer the day. Its conquer or be conquered... I don't wanna lose...

Genreal thoughts

I haven't really had much to blog about. I'm doing great on my plan. I got derailed for 2 days because of the stomach flu, but now I am back on target. Allergies have decided to kick my butt this year. The last couple days my workouts have been weak, but I'm getting through them. I'm getting anxious. I NEED to get some of this weight off faster. I know I need to be patient, but I just want to feel a little freer. Not so bogged down. I want to wear tank tops and feel decent not all gross and flabby. I don't really have much cardio to do yet, so I'm sure we'll see some more changes once that gets added in. I'm finding that now I want to do more social things than I usually do and that typically involves food and alcohol. I'm abstaining from participating for now. I know I can't handle it. I wish I could. I wish MORE that I was already at my goal and that I could afford a free meal without major consequences. I'll get there one day. For now its step by step, meal by meal and workout by workout.

I really want to be in the 180's for my next progress report. Hopefully by the end of June I'll be in the 170's nearing 160's... It seems so far away. I wish I could weigh in the 160's NOW. I am so OVER being this fat. I can't wait to strut my stuff in my hot bikini and look back at this. I NEVER want to be here again. I'm done with it. I know with John's guidance and experience he'll get me there. I'm putting in the work. I deserve this.

Still goin'

Crushed the shoulder/leg workout today. My arms are all shaky. I can barely type. lol
I'm sweating like a freak and it feels great! My stomach was not too good last night and somewhat questionable this morning, but I think John's magic formula for kicking the flu worked. I should be back on track 100% today. I'm bummed I had to have the detour- I did check in with John for advise on what to eat, so I don't feel guilty, just bummed. I am hoping my progress isn't too derailed by this. I'm kicking up the intensity the next few days, so I should be okay.

I'm so proud of my friends who competed yesterday. CONGRATS again!! :D

I'm not sure if I can speed up the progress and be stage ready by October. I'll listen to John. He feels at this moment that 25 weeks was ideal. We'll just have to see how my body responds and how compliant I am. So long as I get no more of these nasty stomach issues, I should be okay. When my stomach goes wonky I get freaked out. I hate to eat at all and when I do its crap like crackers and graham crackers. I wonder why that is? Its bland and soaks up weird stomach juices? I dunno. I just know that I am very afraid to eat normal solid foods. Weird.

I have to work today and tomorrow. I'm pretty happy with how I feel with the program so far. I can feel changes. I just wish pictures and measurements would catch up. My clothes are looser. C'mon body. We got some changing to do.

Off to shower and work.

This is what happens when I get sleep... Goals & The Path

"Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly, and do every day what should be done, and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal. "
-Elbert Hubbard


A huge part of being successful, especially at this game of weight loss, is having a direct goal. I've wandered aimlessly for a long time. I knew my general goals in life, but nothing specific. The goals I saw clearly I reached. The other part to seeing that goal clearly is doing what you have to do. No one ever promised the road would be roses and butterflies. Sure you'll see them along the way, but sometimes you have to go through the scary woods, crawl in a ditch and climb a mountain too. Each and every step you take that follows your plan will get you that much closer to your goal. Enjoy the journey. Don't judge the process. Just experience it and relate to it. Learn from each day. Keep the good and leave the rest. Keep moving forward. Its okay to enjoy the moment. Just don't get too lost in the butterflies and flowers that you lose your way.

just a quick vent

I am in need of a vent. I hate this stupid job. The drama is ridiculous, the management is disorganized, self centered, over-emotional and chaotic. The wall to hurdle keeps getting higher and higher and the weights they put on us are heavier and heavier. The goals are unattainable. The expectations are unrealistic. Everyone is in an uproar. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm so over this crap.

Frustration

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate my job? :P I had my first day back yesterday and I wanted to just scream. Seriously. I was in tears last night. I have anxiety again this morning. I just need out. I need something more fun or at least not so hostile. I don't have a clue where to go or what to do. There isn't anything remotely decent around here. I'm trying to keep expenses down. The less travel I have to the better- it gives me more time to rest and workout. I will do what I need to though.

My fire is a tiny flame. I was 100% yesterday. I'm happy with that. I just wish it wasn't so stinkin stressful at my job. I was super depressed yesterday and there were several moments I was jonesing for something bad to eat. I didn't do it though. :) I just wish I could do something different.

Mojo come back... save me from myself...

It's all in the mind...

First, I want to say that my body is one big DOMS. LOL Seriously. I love it! (most of the time)

So I did a little thinking while I was on the treadmill today. Reuniting with friends on facebook got me thinking about the past. I achieved everything I set out to do while I was in high school. After high school, I lost my vision- not physically, but I had no real goals or dreams. Everything was a big question mark. I had some small achievements along the way, but mostly I was a feather drifting along the stream. When I think about all the things I wanted and achieved in high school, I realize it had to do with my mindset. I really believed in what I was going after. I *KNEW* I could do it. There was never really much doubt. I have a few ideas of what went wrong along the way- why I stopped having goals, why my dreams were quieted. In the end, it was all in my mind. I let things change my state of mind.

I am not going to fear failure anymore. I'm not going to let the world hurt me and keep from dreaming. I've done that for a long time now. I've been dealt some rough and painful hands, but that doesn't mean I have to quit playing this game called life. It only means there are more rounds to come and perhaps I need to try a new strategy or a new style. It was okay to pause and regroup, but not to sit down on the bench like that was the end. I'm not a bench warmer anymore.

I pushed myself hard in my workout today. I wanted to give up at times, but I didn't. I kept pushing and proved to myself that even though it was hard, I could do it. I'm holding on to this fire! I'm holding on to this moment. I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. Some things will take longer than others to achieve, but I can do this.

Dreams are achievable.

I'm still 100% and still on FIRE!

Reflection on my first big food hurdle

Okay, so not my very first food hurdle, but the first big one while on this plan with this trainer.
Tonight was my first social situation where my food had to be different. It was taco night at the in-laws and there was booze galore, all the great taco fixings and lots of dessert. I was feeling okay about all of it really. I wasn't expecting the peer pressure! I got bombarded with not doing shots and not drinking wine. I got a few questions after I had my separate dinner set out, but finally everyone eased up. I even got a compliment for staying strong. I won't lie- while I love Mexican food, this wasn't that tempting. It was the mindlessness that started creeping in that almost caused me to grab a lick of frosting! I am becoming so much more aware of these little mindless habits. It makes me wonder how often I've done things like this without even realizing it. No wonder I got fat!

I can say I feel fabulous without all the junk. I know I felt better after my portioned and balanced meal than anyone else did after the gigantic portions of garbage. Score one for snobbery. :P I really am proud. I fought off the "just one little X" demon. I feel victorious.

General Update

Its day 4 and I'm still 100%. :) I feel great. I get a little low on energy in the late afternoon but it could be the diet, workouts AND TOM. I'm down at least 5 lbs. I have rice on my diet for the next 3 days and I'm a little nervous. I am following the plan, but man... I am scurred that the carbs will stall me out. I know John knows what he is doing, so... I am eating as prescribed.

My workout was killer today. Mama Mia! Tomorrow ought to be funny. At least I can walk better today. I love these workouts. I sweat like crazy, my heart rate is up and I feel my muscles burning. I'm hoping to make some serious progress. I might be able to do a show with Marissa if I do. :)

I think its funny. I update my Facebook with things about working out. Everyone keeps messaging me asking why I workout so much. Today I got asked if I was doing a bodybuilding show or something. :P

That's the general scoop. I feel great, my clothes are looser and the scale is being nice. Yay!

Realizations and Observations

1- I need a program. Being on a program requires that I am disciplined and FOLLOW IT. Having a trainer makes me accountable since I apparently don't value myself enough to stay accountable to me. One day I hope that I not only understand all this health and training stuff better, but I care and love myself enough to stay accountable to ME.

2- I've sabotaged a lot of my hard efforts by adding in little things that I thought wouldn't hurt. Craisins = bad, mmmkay? I added them to oatmeal and salads. I'll miss you guys. Milk and cheese- yeah- a little bit here and a little there does add up. I'll miss you too.

3- "Eye-balling" is a set-up for failure. Especially when hunger comes into play. I *MUST* measure. I can't trust myself to guess at ounces or TBSPs. Ever notice how a TBSP of Peanut Butter can get really big? LOL Seriously. Measuring is my life right now. My portion sizes were whacked!

4- I know a lot about fitness and training. I do not know everything! I must follow my trainer's direction even if its something new to me. He knows more than I do.

5- Having a trainer you can trust is paramount. Being in alignment with beliefs on health and training is so important. Trusting my trainer to provide a proper and healthy program allows me to follow it with no excuses. Following my trainer's direction in both workouts and nutrition is the key to getting the results I seek. I can trust him to tweak and change things as necessary.


I love being on vacation during this time. Day One and these are the observations I had time to make and digest. I am so happy I made this decision.


On Stage Image Services

Lazy Day

Today was a lazy day for me. I was so wiped out from the last few days at work. I worked a 14 hour day and then a 10 hour day. *whew* I slept on and off for most of the day. It was wonderful. I really needed the rest. I'm so glad I am on vacation this week. I had some serious frustrations at work and it will be nice to be away for awhile. I am going to get some major cleaning down around the house. This will be my official spring cleaning. I'm purging the house of things I don't need anymore. I am putting a few things up for sale on Craigslist. I hope I can sell some things. It would be great to make some extra money right now. Since my employer is doing what they can to make it impossible to make our quoted money on commissions, any extra is good.

I am pumped about starting with John tomorrow! I haven't felt this positive in awhile. I feel like I will be able to follow his program. I am committed to 100% compliance. He has tools in place to get me through struggles. I will call to be talked down if I need it, instead of calling for damage control. He hasn't said this, but I'm keeping this in my head- He's a skilled negotiator not a paramedic. :P I'm hoping I won't ever need to be talked down, but I'm realistic. I've struggled with food most of my life. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm counting on my commitment to my adherence goal. Of course I have the FABULOUS Co-divas/dudes and SuperStar Marissa, too. ;)

I'm so excited about this week. I can do what I want and need to do. Some cleaning, gardening & yard work, some photography, maybe a short camping trip. Dang! Sounds like I need to be retired. ;)

I have 25 weeks til my anniversary and Halloween. Its going to be an awesome day! I am hoping to make faster progress so I can do an earlier competition. We'll see how it goes, but I am giving this my all.

Woooot!