I'm down 1.6 lbs after a pretty good day yesterday! :D
It does mean that my body is down with the cardio.... which means lots of cardio.... *sigh* lol
I feel better knowing that a lot people do cardio and weights in the same session. Reduces my stress a lot. Some days it works to split it up. Other days its just not possible.
Ah yes, the days before Flo I get to visit Funky Town. I am trying so hard to not take things personally or be over emotional. I *thought* I was doing okay. Guess not so much.
I am feeling pretty alienated by everyone and everything. I don't feel like I am connected. I get all paranoid about stupid stuff. I wonder if everyone I know thinks I am crazy or stupid or if they are made at me. I start feeling like nobody likes me. *ugh* I hate when I get like this. Its annoying.
I am getting frustrated with Tony. I know he's busy. I know I need to be more proactive. I don't want to air this out here really. I am just venting. I know some of it is Funky Town, but some of it I need to deal with.
I have a doctor's appointment on Friday. I think I may go on a different pill. I am feeling way too crazy-like these last 6 months or so. *sigh*
Tomorrow is a new day. I am beginning strong and clean. I am bustin' it out til the end of the year. Planned cheats are Halloween (our anniversary), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve. I have to be on my game 100% from here on out. I have 6 months before the Lakewood comp and I have about 60lbs to drop... Gotta get used to some intense EMC...
****EDITED TO SAY******
Leaving FUNKY TOWN soon. lol I have my gameplan for tomorrow set up on my livejournal. See the link ----> Healthgirl 101
I'll be writing on a more daily basis there. Feel free to stop by and comment.
Soooooo.....
I am hooked. Really hooked. I was always curious about the competitions. I even joked about competing when I was like 16 and my dad bought a bunch of weights and had books laying around the house. I had no idea what it was really about, I just thought it would be cool. So here I am. I have found the suits I love. (we'll see how things pan out by next year). I have been scouring the internet for information on posing and tanning and I even found a competition less than 30 minutes from me next year!!! I am even MORE excited. I still haven't had a real conversation with T. :( Dang he is hard to get in touch with. I went out looking for "the shoes". I almost bought a pair that would be too short- just to have them and play. I am nowhere near a comp figure, but I've been practicing what little I have learned as far as posing goes. I even went tanning today. LOL Not that one visit makes a difference...
I am going to try and hit arms tomorrow. How bad can that be, right? I *NEED* to workout. For my mental sanity.... I am feeling better. Still a little funky in my stomach, but I think I can do vitamins and whole foods tomorrow. I am still scared to do dairy and protein powder. :( Maybe I'll wait until Monday for those. Veggies and meats and soup and fruits for now.
Off to bed now. :)
OH! PS--> I have a livejournal account set up now for a day by day journal instead of taking up my blog with moodiness or what I ate, etc.
Healthgirl 101
*Sigh*
Really. Stomach.... PLEASE get better NOW!
I managed more solid types of food so far today. I also got some vitamins in me without any episodes so far. There's no way I would have attempted them earlier this week. So progress is being made. I chomping at the bit here. I *WANT* to kick into high gear. I know doing that today will only make me feel tired and worn out for tomorrow. I *HAVE* to go into work all weekend. Its going to take a miracle, but I need to meet my quota. SO.... I am going to clean my house up and go for a walk later. I am kinda craving proteins, but I won't lie- I'm scared. I can't handle another bout of food poisoning. I seriously thought I was dying. I was so scared. I won't ever repeat this phrase I'm sure, but.... I am so sick of carbs! I need something else now. I just have to pray my body can handle something like meat.
And I found the suits I want. Hubby is planning to make me a 2 piece- oh boy! I am saving to have 2 suits made professionally, but we'll see.
I love love love that color. I am so excited. lol I have.... well just look at the ticker. I am gonna be HOT-AS-Hell by my birthday in January.
I can't wait to go to see Carla in Nov. Then I'll have a real taste of what the comps are all about. :)
The DH took me to the fabric store tonight. It wore me out fast so I didn't get a good look at the fabrics. Overall I didn't see what I have in my mind.
I am seeing it in my mind. I am dreaming of my perfectly strong, sexy body. I BELIEVE I can achieve it.
I love the purple stripes but might prefer aqua/ turquoise. Where do I find this material??
I like this one piece, too...
This blue/turquoise is still my favorite color:
I can't wait to get back on track! I am doing my best to be patient, but patience never was my strong suit. I am feeling the effects of trying to do too much today. I am planning on an early morning walk to work to get my car tomorrow. Its been at work for 2 days now.
Anyone use bee pollen or Tulsi tea as recommended by Tosca Reno? I heard her talk about the bee pollen on her interview with Tony. I just wondered if it had any positive effects for anyone. The Tulsi tea is tasty. Don't know how effective it is for cortisol management, but hey, I'm stressed enough that it couldn't hurt. :)
The Law of Attraction
So.... I felt overwhelmed and stressed out at work. I met my activations goal for yesterday but I am home today. Why am I home today? Because I have been wanting time off. Aside from some nasty side effects from the medication I am on, I managed to get food poisoning. I wish I were kidding.
Am I saying that the Law of Attraction made me get food poisoning? Possibly. I wanted time off from work and I got it- I wasn't specific in my thoughts of HOW to get off work. I just wanted off. I have had 2 extra days off this week. Spiffy. Now, I have learned enough and seen enough with the LOA to know that it works- in positive or negative form. What you think about, you bring about.
So for the next couple of days I am going to think about how strong my muscles are, how much fat I am losing, how healthy I am, how healed and strong my stomach is... I am also going to think about how many activations I will do. I am going to think about how great my coworkers are and how I can make a lot of money to achieve other goals while I am there. I also need to start seeing myself in my skinny jeans. And while I am at I am going to think about all the yummy healthy foods I can eat.
Thanks Liimu for giving me a kick in the butt. ;)
Oh- and Tony told me that we can quickly undo any damage and get back to my goals. That makes me feel less stressed already!
I'm feeling terribly vulnerable right now. :(
I'm feeling insecure, overwhelmed, stressed out... My stomach is really starting to hurt again. Why? I started thinking about work. *sigh* I really need to do something. I'm freaking out. I've been off for 2 days (one sick day, the other scheduled off). I slept and rested, and relaxed. Now I feel paralyzed. I am trying to get my workout done and I feel like hiding. WTF? I am an adult. Yet I feel like hiding under the covers and not going to work. Is my work *really* that bad? Apparently in my mind it is. I have to get 4 activations a day to meet a minimum acceptable quota. (this time of year that is going to be hard!) I have an assistant boss who doesn't really assist. She gets in the way and harasses people. I am one of her favorite targets. I don't give a rat's butt about cell phones anymore. Its not exciting and I am tired of pushing people to buy more than they want or need. Part of me feels like taking the hit- taking the write up. Its not worth my health, is it? I don't like the idea of being written up at all, but I just don't care right now. I am tired of being stressed out at this job.
I haven't gotten anything done this week. Almost all the dishes are dirty, the washing machine is broke... I'm PMSing, stressing, and in pain. *waaaaaaaaaaah*
I need a miracle. I need some way out of this job with a new one- a better one lined up. I feel like I have no skill set anymore. I am good at sales and retail- which is the last place I want to be. I miss my old job- I liked the home improvement/construction industry. The money just isn't there. There are a lot of things I like and could do... nothing that pays well though. I'd love to have my own business. I can't decide what to do though. In this current market and this economy... I'm not too confident anything I'd like would survive. I'm stuck in the negative rut. :(
I need a shot of positive!
I have an ulcer.
Yep. That's why my stomach has been so angry lately. I am on medication now. I had a bad morning with being sick. I walked into work and started crying from the pain and nausea so they sent me home/ to the doctor. I feel ok right now. Not good, just not nauseated. There is a dull ache instead of sharp pain, so I guess that is acceptable. I slept for 4 hours this afternoon. Hubby made me some soup and I've been sipping on some Vernors. Not exactly what I had planned, but it is what it is. Still need to talk to T.
I did my shoulder workout this morning before the illness struck so violently. I felt great for about 10 minutes and then I was soooo ill. I am hoping that by the end of the week my pain and nausea will be gone or at least diminished enough for me to push it hard in my workouts and get back to my meal plan. I was really upset earlier, but now I am looking at it a little differently. This is life. Things happen. Somethings I can control or overcome, other things require cooperation, possibly healing and patience. So.... this is one thing I have to work with the best I can.
**WARNING- Negative Emotional Outburst**
Feel free to skip over this.
I need to get some of this out of my system. Its that time again. Friggin PMS. *sigh* So it appears I gained 4 pounds overnight. Yep. 4. Overnight. F-U! I feel so fat and nasty. I just want to cry. I would also like to eat junky foods to console myself. I won't though. I just feel like I work so hard for nothing. I feel like if I am not 100% perfect that its all a waste. I know PMS is getting me down now, but I have been struggling this whole last week. For the last 3 weeks I have struggled to move the darn number on the scale. I get stuck fairly easy. (I know its just a number, but the avg healthy loss should move the damn thing down 2 lbs a week!) I'm frustrated. I seriously lack the energy to do 2 hours of cardio plus weights everyday. And what happens when I plateau again? 3 hours of cardio, then 4?? Damnit body!! I'm pretty angry. I am so sick of this feckin fat!!!!! GET OFF OF ME! I just want to scream. I haven't been able to reach T all week. I heard he was sick. :( I need to relax about this, but its irritating. I took some quick pictures yesterday and I seriously look worse than 3 weeks ago. I look like there is a huge fat layer over everything. :( :( :( WHY??? Is it from the carbs? What the hell am I supposed to do when I feel like throwing up all day? I can't not eat or I lose muscle- which it seems like that happened anyway. I had one good day- one magical day.... and now I am even further in the pit of despair. *blah*
DH is irritating the crap out of me. He's been especially needy. I have been so focused on work, working out and desperately trying to lose weight. He's been neglected. I feel bad, but its just one more thing on my plate. And now I feel guilty for focusing on me with no results.
I feel totally overwhelmed and incapable. I can't see myself in my bikini. I can't see myself succeeding. Right now all I can see is this blob. This angry, emotional blob. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and not getting far. I am not strong today. :( I don't know how I am going to deal with the skinny-bitch boss lady- the one who purposely eats crap in front of me, the one who tries to make everything I do harder than it needs to be. *sigh* Oh- and I have to work 12 hours today. I'm sure I'll have enough energy to do an hour of cardio tonight. Where is this magic fountain of energy????
I have nothing left in me right now other than expletives. I wanted to conquer my workout hardcore this morning. Instead, I got woke up 4x in a 6 hour stretch last night and I am just not with it. I'm a tired, emotional freak show.
I just wanna scream and go back to bed. :(
This morning was just magical. :)
Last night I dreamt about being slim and sexy. I woke up this morning and hopped on the scale. I was amazed to see I had lost weight! I thought maybe I lost some muscle, but I feel firmer... I did my weights and felt stronger than I have in a long time. I didn't seem to lose any ground this week! Then I went for my intervals in the park. I had the whole trail to myself. I was going along listening to a new set of tunes and I looked up at the sky. A RAINBOW!! A rainbow, all by itself in the middle of the sky. There was no rain, but it was a bit foggy. It was lovely and magical. I envisioned myself as I want to be. I saw myself running harder, faster, reaching my goals... I enjoyed every moment of my workout. I felt alive again. This last week was a real struggle. Today felt like a breakthrough. I feel strong, alive, capable, and more at peace. We always say this is a marathon and not a sprint. Well... for me its working out to be one of Tony's interval workouts! LOL I just need to up the intensity on the lower intervals. ;)
Today feels good.
Today I physically said "Enough!" I said it aloud. Enough whining and feeling miserable. Enough excuses. I called off this morning because I felt so terrible. I drank two big cups of hot water with LOTS of ACV and went back to bed. I got up to pee and nibble some crackers, slept some more... Then, I just got up. I got up, took my shower and went off to pamper myself. Got my nails and toes done. Then I worked out. I *NEEDED* to work out. I was feeling so sloth-like. Oh- and I have a sinus infection and have been draining large amounts of mucus into my stomach. THAT is what is making my stomach nasty. *SO gross!* I see a Neti Pot in my future. I can't let this kind of crap get to me. I have a lot of hard work to do before my next foot appointment. I'm still thinking January is the better choice for my foot surgery. It gives me more time to save some $$. I just won't be able to compete in the KY Muscle in March. :( One step at a time I guess.
No more being a baby. I'm not going to make it anywhere by being a baby. Time to press onward! Strong sexy body, here I come!
Lots going on with me right now. I am feeling a little better. I think that my problem is related to protein powder- either its tainted stuff or the sucralose is killing me. :( I finally got the pattern figured out. I am using 2 different brands of protein powder and they both contain sucralose. I only start feeling nauseated and sick after drinking a shake. I have no idea why it would start recently, but maybe my body has had enough? I don't know what is going on, but I need to do more whole foods and ask Tony what else to do or try. I can seriously not eat anything decent after drinking a shake in the morning. I can only manage saltines and graham crackers. Let me tell you how much my body is lovin' that! Grrrrr. I'll be doing some research on proteins powders and sweeteners.
I stopped by my old work. I haven't seen my old coworkers in almost a year. They saw me and said so many nice things. Awww. :D I even got called skinny butt! LOL Yeah right, but I'll take the compliment anyway. :D It really pumped me up. I know I can do better, too. :)
And for the big news...... (no I'm not preggo!)
My feet are dumb. I have bunions- but not normal bunions. LOL I have to have surgery to correct them. One foot at a time. *blah* I will be off one foot completely for 6 weeks and then I get a cool boot thingy for 2 weeks after that. *ugh* I guess LOTS of upper body workouts and the Air Dyne bike will be perfect! I go back in a month to go over procedures and schedule an official date. I just have to work things out at work so I have money and a job! I was going to put it off for a few months (like the beginning of the 2009) but if I want to do a March Comp, there's no way! Poo poo poo! I guess I really need to figure this out quickly. I can make a lot of money at work around Christmas time so I'd hate to be out for that.
Lots of thinking to do. AND lots and lots and lots of cardio to do before then. I can't waste another minute. I really wanted to be at my goal weight before I did this, but it seems like that will have to change.
OH!!! And totally stupid thing-- hee hee hee hee hee-- I bought LEG WARMERS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The 80's have returned!
This week has been so hard. I have felt like garbage. My stomach is far from cooperative. I have been p&p. (pukey/poopy- TMI, sorry!) It doesn't seem to matter what I put in my stomach. One minute no issues at all, things seem normal. Then- WHAM, I am nauseated and hiding in the bathroom. I have had terrible headaches (I think from allergies?) and I am congested. I am being a big baby. All I want to do is sleep! I am tired and cranky. I am more cranky because I want to workout and show T that I am not a wimp. Yet I start a workout and feel exhausted so I quit. I think the exhaustion is from my body not absorbing nutrients well. I mean I think they are just rushing out of my body instead of being absorbed. Ahhhhhh! How do I fix this??? I don't have time to take off for a thousand Dr. visits so they can look at me and say they can't figure out what is wrong. I am so frustrated. I want to go back to bed. I have to get ready for work instead. I feel like throwing a tantrum. lol I'm tired from working 13.5 hour day. I want to sleep and workout. I don't want to go to work with cranky people all day. My body is pissed...Its not liking me right now- and I'm not pleased either. I feel gross- all fatty and bloated from the darn carbs. I ate my oatmeal and protein powder this morning. Hopefully I can stomach the rest of my meals. Its got to get better darn it!I think my 9 week pics are going to look worse than 6 weeks. :( Grrrrr.
Dear Body,
Please get it together!
Stomach- you can stop being so fussy. Deal with the protein already! And intenstines.... there's no need to be angry either. Fat stores, I appreciate the warmth you have attempted to give me over the years, but I am releasing you now. Muscles, keep burning up the energy. I'm sure the fat would love to be put to good use. Oh, and Head, if you would kindly stop hurting, I would be very appreciative. The liver has informed me that it is none-to-pleased with the idea of lots of painkillers being downed. Nevermind that stomach is being fussy.
So, let's get it together already!
Love, Me
Oy. I was SOOO sick yesterday and today. Yesterday afternoon I started feeling terrible! I spent much of the afternoon evening in bed or in the bathroom. :( Today I managed to nibble vanilla wafers and sprite. :( I got some beef/veggie soup down tonight. I am hoping a good night's rest will be all I need. I am seriously getting frustrated with this random stomach issue. My head has been hurting a lot too. :/ Why can't my body just work already? I want to lift and lift heavy and hard. I want to run- fast and free. I am tired of feeling so cumbersome and restricted. I am trying to mold my body and work it into the best shape and condition it can be in. Why must it fight me?
Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to rock it tomorrow. I have long crazy day at work, but I'm determined. I found some pics of suit ideas.... oh boy! I have in my head what I want. I might just get crazy this weekend and look at fabrics! I WANT this!
In other news- I am going to Carla's show Nov 7th & 8th!
I love the blue color...
I love the style and cool stripey look for this one. The purple is pretty cool, too... I just like blue more!
And can I have these legs!?! WOWSERS! I can only imagine the pain I would endure for her legs and aZz!
Here we go...
Week 8 was pretty good. I had some good realizations. A few more happened today.
I am not going to be a size 10 in four weeks or even 6. I don't think that I physically have the energy to do it. I want things as fast as possible, but I think the reality is, is that my energy and stamina are just not there. My leg workout kicked my butt so hard that I could sleep the rest of the day. Seems like there is something wrong with that. Its like that with most of my workouts. My other option is to tame down the intensity and get poor results. *ugh* So... this is a marathon, not a sprint. I just have a slower time right now. I really want to reach that size 10 by my anniversary, but I need to get my energy up somehow.
I am afraid of more things than I thought. I have been devouring photos and websites galore! I WANT to be a fitness model. But- what do ya know??? That takes hard work and actually being in shape! DUH! I might have to sweat, be sore, take chances, work hard.... Looking at all these gorgeous fitness women makes me angry. Angry that I am such a wuss! I want to go eat ice cream and bread under the covers. Not exactly what was supposed to happen. I am supposed to be inspired to train harder, eat cleaner-- PUSH, PUSH, PUSH! At least I am aware. No worries about the crap food. Not going there. And truthfully I don't *really* want it. I am just intimidated. I feel like an insecure blob. I see the poses and photo shoots and I feel all incompetent. Of course I would- I've never done any modeling. I know deep down there is a strong, sexy, confident woman. Right now the scared little girl wants to play and not work hard. If I don't take a risk, I can't fail at it. But THEN, my life will always be what it always has been- me looking through the window- watching the world go by. Longing to run out and be a part of it... I can sit inside and wish and dream or I can work hard, get ready and BE a part of it. Its all up to me.
This week MUST be better than any week I have had so far. I need to prove to myself that I have what it takes. I'm fighting against a lot of "haters" right now. Work is the same resistance. The DH wants me to lose weight and be healthy, but the idea of competition is ridiculous to him. He doesn't see why I have to have someone else judge me. I can't explain to him any of it. He's NOT a competitive person at all. I am just going to stop talking to him about it. It makes me sad because he is my very best friend, but he just doesn't understand right now and I can't let him drag me down.
I am down 2lbs from last week. I am pleased but I had hoped for more. I am still pushing hard though. I can do more. I can be better. I am a fighter. ;) Next Sunday or Monday is picture day. *gulp* This is the first set of pics T-man has requested since my assessment... oh boy! lol Maybe I'll do a little tanning so I don't blind the man. LOL
A bit of inspiration--->
Totally Random... had it on the mp3 player this morning and it reminded me of this video. I love it! :D (pssst- hey Tina- you wanna coordinate a Tony Diva video like this??)
I went for a morning interval session. Its such a beautiful day. :) I went to the park instead of just going around the neighborhood. It was a good change up. It was not too busy at the park and that was a nice thing, too. As I was going along doing my intervals I listened to the blogtalk podcast on stepping out of the shadows. Listening to Tony in the morning during workouts helps push me a little further, even though he isn't saying anything to me directly. Going in the opposite direction of me at one point, was an older gentleman. He clearly had been losing weight. Perhaps post-heart attack? I used to see a lot of guys like him at the YMCA. Anyway, this gentleman was doing a strange hop stride. As I got closer I realized that he couldn't run but he was doing his darndest to make sure he was walking/hopping along at his fastest pace. He was sweet, said hi, smiled really big and waved. I returned the gestures and began thinking. This guy was out here in the park, doing what he *COULD* do. He didn't make excuses that since he couldn't run.... blah, blah, blah. So, neither will I make excuses. If I can't run, I can walk. If I can't walk, I can do something else. There is always a way. I saw the gentleman again on my return route. He smiled really big again with his eyes twinkling and he said "Have a great rest of the day." I said "You, too." Thank you sir, I will. :D I will have a great rest of the day. :)
Just when you thought that was it... lol
I realized that I always stop short. If I am pushing myself to run until the tree, I slow down as I reach the tree. WTH? WHY do I do that? I realized I do it every stinkin' time! As soon as I realized it this morning I made myself push harder to get to the landmark or goal line I set. But this is a serious realization! I do this in almost EVERY aspect of my life! I never PUSH myself over the line. I give up and walk or go really slow instead of PUSHING HARD and going over the goal. I think maybe its from a fear of failure. If its obvious I gave up, then I didn't fail based on my ability, I gave up. That's the only thing that makes sense to me as to WHY. Of course, if I give up all the time, that still makes me a failure! *DOH!* Where the heck has my head been??? Apparently up the arse for quite some time! This has all been very subconscious.
This quote is so... real for me right now....
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
--Thomas Edison
Wow. I have some serious reflection to do this weekend.
Other realizations so NOT earth shattering- (mostly just for myself to note/journal)
*Use your inhaler, dummy!
*Bring tissues when its HIGH pollen
*Download more podcasts
Gotta love the T-man! We had a good talk yesterday. It wasn't earth-shattering, but I feel SO much better. I told him about the comp date and he was so excited. :D We have some goals set for now up until my anniversary. I won't make my original goal, but he said I'll surpass that goal in no time. I have to go buy a "cheap" outfit today that is 2 sizes smaller than I am now. He said not to make it expensive because I won't be wearing it long! :D Woooo hooooo! I had lots of cardio yesterday and I think my body is finally responding. I am into the 170's now!!! I'm not too far in, but enough to make me happy. Its just another boost. We switched my off day from Sunday to Friday since Fridays are crazy for me anyway. I wasn't doing my workouts on Friday to my best ability. I was exhausted and rushed for time, so we'll see how this works. I also got my order of MetRx Protein Plus. I have a bunch of powders that I have tried. I think I may just keep the Beverly UMP and use this MetRx. I had the BSN Lean Dessert and Allmax's IsoFemme. Both are okay. We have Muscle Milk in the house too, but that is hubby's favorite. Oh, I am also allowed to use more veggie burgers if I want instead of so much darn chicken. LOL Its the little things I tell ya!
I have also been strongly encouraged to get a treadmill instead of getting a membership to the Rec Center. Guess ebay and craig's list will be my new favorite sites.
I think I have rambled enough. Hitting upper body CRIT today. Hour of walk/jog on hills tonight. Getting all my water in today and buying my next goal outfit.
OH! And T called my work bosses Savages! HAHAHAHA :D Here's my song for them (and any haters I may encounter in life)
Last night I asked T for a cheat. I didn't want to ruin my progress but I was having dreams about pizza. LOL I think I needed a moment. He granted me the cheat. Well, I did eat my pizza and I paid my dues today. Big time. The scale wasn't up too badly- I expected it from the salt. However... I have been SOOOO sick all day. Between nausea, and up and out.... I should be down a couple pounds! WOW. My body is pissed. I even left work early because I was so sick. They actually SENT me home. lol I have slept and drank plain water most of the evening. I think the ACV and lemon were just aggravating things. I had a granola bar and soup today. I couldn't even get all my oats in- and it was only 1/2 c. Lesson learned. I think I will not worry about what kind of meal to eat after my comp. LOL It won't be pizza.
Tomorrow's workout surprised me. LOTS of cardio and some abs. I get to talk with T tomorrow morning. I am always so afraid he is going to say "you aren't progressing enough, maybe you should find a different trainer". I have some security issues. I feel like my little goals aren't worthy enough or something. I'm sure I will feel different after talking with T more tomorrow. We're going to streamline my goals in regards to my first major goal for my anniversary. I'm afraid I won't/can't reach that realistically. I have to give T the news about the comp. We'll see what he says. :) I told him I wasn't sure if I could realistically meet my original goal since my progress has been stalled scale-wise. I am still seeing changes, just not in the scale. I think my body just adjusts to changes quickly. So if we were in a famine situation I'd be just fine. Too bad we aren't. lol
Tomorrow is a fresh start. I think my stomach is going to behave. I have heartburn still, but I don't feel nauseated anymore. I am aiming for 100% compliance. Work will pose a challenge as usual, but I HAVE to make it happen. If I have to go back to sneaking meals in by eating in the bathroom, so be it. And I am finally caving in to the tuna. *wish me luck*
I am taking another huge step tomorrow. I am going to the Rec Center and working out. *gasp* Yep. I'll be working out in front of other people. I am much more comfortable working my big ol butt out at home, but I need to change things up. I am going to see what equipment they have available and I'll also see if there are weirdos and creeps or generally non-harmful individuals there. LOL! On an interesting note- I have gotten way more insecure over the years as I have gained weight. I used to be a personal trainer at the YMCA (basic knowledge, but not certified by anyone but the Y. I was in a gym environment ALL the time 9 years ago. Yes now... I am scared to death. I tried to go with my SIL once to a big gym. I had an anxiety attack outside the door. I made myself walk in with her anyway. We were greeted by 3 fugly meatheads who smirked at the fat girl and the cute skinny girl (aka- NOT me) and I felt like freaking out. I wasn't impressed with the layout or the fact that the guys that were "working" the desk were as helpful as cat puke on my shoe. It sent me over the edge. That was 7 months ago. I am going to the rec center tomorrow because I think I can handle it better- more family oriented although enough stupid people will be present no doubt. I also have been debating on the costs of buying more and more and more equipment versus more equipment and more variety at a gym. I'd like the option of doing both home or gym, but we'll see.
So... Do I have what it takes to meet my goals and fulfill my dreams? I am shy and nervous and scared... but inside is a girl who used to love to sing and dance and perform for her stuffed animals, no one at all, the dog, her parents... anyone who would pay attention. I used to be outgoing, talkative, confident, trusting, fun, adventurous, carefree and happy. I loved people and animals, music, makeup, dancing, singing and reading. I believed I was special and that everyone was. Everyone was to be loved and should do what made them happy. THEN, I was quickly yanked back to what was reality for most of the world. People- especially authority figures can't be trusted. Being carefree, happy, and filled with hope and wonder are bad things. That makes you stupid and naive. Singing your heart out is something to be embarrassed of. No one really wants to listen to you- talk or sing. Reading was okay. Being perfect was expected.
A teacher made fun of me in front of an entire classroom. I mispronounced a word and was ridiculed and tore down for being different. All the other kids then followed her example the rest of the year. I was alone for all of elementary school. I was left to my books, animals, and music. I could no longer trust adults. I cried my eyes out the day the teacher tore me down. She was so angry and mean. I was a little kid, but I remember the sting and the anger that poured out of her. My parents didn't know what to do and they had their own issues. I was always shushed and often ignored. My passions were ignored. My dreams were silly and not practical. Too much risk I guess. I had to be perfect in what I did in all categories of life. Otherwise, harassment and punishment or being left out were my fate.
So that leads me to today. Should I be surprised that I am afraid to try things? I could get laughed at- especially if I don't do whatever it is perfectly. What if I fail?? Who is going to yell at me now? Only the inner voice that is so well-developed. I don't trust too well. I am afraid I will be mocked and sneered at. I used to set goals I *knew* I would reach. Maybe I was just that determined and I wanted whatever my goal was that much... or maybe deep down I knew I was good enough for x,y,z but not a,b,c... maybe it was a bit of both. I wouldn't audition for drama shows or for choir, but many years later I was shoved into a microphone by the praise group I was in and I sang like a bird. I was finally free! At least a little.
I think I DO have what it takes- I can reach any goal that I *really* want to. I just need to stop being a chicken. I need to set goals that are meaningful and real and JUST DO IT! Finally deciding that the FAME show is something I'd like to do is huge right now. I *want* to be in Oxygen magazine and Muscle & Fitness Hers. I have daydreamed about that for ages. I was always afraid to say that for fear of many things--> "That's a conceited goal. You're not pretty enough. You'll never be skinny enough or in shape enough. You can't do some of those moves now, you have to do them for a photo shoot. No one will support you along the way. You aren't strong enough to do it alone. That can't happen to YOU."
Wow. That inner voice sure is ugly, isn't it??
So now I have to quiet the voice of NO and create the voice of YES. I have to create the voice of yes and crank up the volume so that is the only voice I hear. I know T can help me with that, but I have to work hard. I have to fight the physical battles, but most of it is mental. The wounded child can now be healed. I am safe.
WELLLLLLLL.....
I have a date. Its pretty far off- over a year away, but its one date.... lol
OCTOBER 31st-NOV2 FAME North American Championships
I will be entering in the Fitness Model Category and possibly Bikini.... omg!!!
APRIL!!!! They posted the dates!! Miami Florida!!
I want to do something earlier than that. Its so far away... FAME does have other shows throughout the year, so I will have to pick once dates get announced. I'm thinking April or May will be good. There are shows in Boston and Charlotte...
At least I have narrowed down the organization for now. :D
OMG I am SOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news-- WTH Tracker???? How can you go down today? How am I supposed to know how Tara is doing????
Anyone know?? Please tell me!
So I had to go to a meeting early this morning and it got dropped on me last minute that the landlord was coming over. Our place is a disaster. I am ashamed of it. Its not smelly or anything that disastorous. Lol. Its just unkept and we need to vacuum and do dishes. I opted to clean this morning instead of working out. It was energizing to clean up the clutter I have more to do but a lot is done.
I came home after my meeting and did intervals outside-- and it started to rain! :) it was refreshing. I worked hard and enjoyed the cool rain. I am in a reflective mood now. I feel strangely at peace and I have energy. I owe the energy to my Breathe Right strip. I cannot breathe right at night without them. I've been kinda lazy lately and have suffered. Lesson relearned. ;)
Off to shower up and go back to work!
So yeah... I had dreams about those darn Bodybuilders that I struggle with. I dreamt that I did them perfectly. I swear my chest is sore. LOL
I had lots of other things going on in my dreams and I just feel ... apprehensive? Why, I have no idea. I just really want to talk to someone. Its dark and lonely out right now. lol
I am down a pant size and I've removed the W ! WOO HOO! I am more motivated to keep going. I am still feeling tired and weak though. Pushing through abs and cardio this morning. I need to leave work on time tonight so I can get some extra cardio in outside.
Off to work my booty! (and abs)
So today has been one of those days that kinda irritates me. I got up early to workout and I knew right away it was going to be rough going. My balance was kinda whacked. I drank a lot of water and everything seemed okay. Got a pretty decent workout in. My right elbow (actually I think its a tendon on top) has been sore for a few weeks and today's workout really bugged it. All day today I have been exhausted. Not so much sleepy but drained. Maybe its just TOM??? I have been eating at 2.5 hour intervals because I feel starving. But then I am wiped out and need to rest. I feel a little dizzy too- not like I am going to pass out, just not quite right. :( Don't know what this is all about. I don't want to rest. I need to clean and do more cardio. Body, I am trying to make you healthy. Why must you fight me?? *sigh*
And for the record THIS is dangerous, but pretty funny. I have been obsessing about PB ALL day now. Grrrrr. lol
Here they are... 6 week comparison photos. Oh and the scale finally moved in the right direction again. I swear my body is so weird. At one point I was up 6 pounds overnight from an increase over the week before. Now I am down to 181. SOOO close to the 170's! I MUST get there by the end of this week. 176 seems like a dandy number to shoot for. lol Anyway... I think the side comparison pix are the most telling. And I am not putting the bikini back on for at least another 4 weeks. I am trying to instill confidence.... I tried the top on and laughed! So... here is what you get with it being TOM and all...
Make your own Countdown Clocks
