Why I don't eat on plan...

Sorry this is so long. A lot opened up to me as I was writing...

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me. I've noticed this trend before, but for some reason it was more clear yesterday.

The first reason I don't eat on plan is basically laziness. I'm too tired and lazy to prepare something healthy. I'd rather just grab something easy. That's the most easily fixed. Just prepare ahead of time. I expect tonight to be really tough. Unless hubby has dinner ready when I walk in the door.... I'm not going to feel like cooking or even grabbing anything. My head will be aiming for a pillow. I have to work 12p-10:30p. If I get more than 10 minutes to inhale some food during that shift it will be amazing. I don't have a microwave at home (and I don't want one). So heating up things in the microwave doesn't work for me. I need to get DH to help me during this month. Its not a huge deal to heat up some broccoli and chicken, but the way work stresses me out and exhausts me... well... I just don't feel like doing anything. I need to have better control of my situation. I need to prepare as much as possible.

The second reason I don't eat on plan is much trickier to tackle. Its completely emotion based. I don't eat for joy or sadness. I eat out of anger. When I am in a rage, I eat (or want to eat) the worst foods I can find. Its like some type of retaliation or something. I first became aware of it when the hubby and I had a lot of problems. I'm still a bit confused as to how this mechanism works, honestly. The only thing I can come up with is that I know he likes me and wants my body and maybe I choose to destroy it and make it ugly by eating? I don't know. It doesn't resonate with me, but it seems to make logical sense I guess. Yesterday I noticed the rage and desire for crappy foods at work. As I was leaving (extremely pissed off) I was making a mental list of all the crap I was going to eat. My worst damage was only a chai tea (which has been a source of sanity and peace during some other rough times). I know to some degree I am seeking solace and comfort, but its disturbing to me that I turn to food when I am angry. Its like I feel powerless to do anything else to help myself or make myself feel at peace, so I eat to do that? I don't get much enjoyment out of the food really, but if I am honest, I do feel better than before I started eating. That is until the repercussions set in. See, when I am angry and eating those bad foods, I am like a child- I say I don't care, I'll do what I want. I KNOW what will happen if I eat x,y,z. No one thinks pizza is healthy. I don't want healthier alternatives to the bad foods I want, I WANT the bad crap. W

What I need to figure out, is how to channel that anger and desire into something healthy like going for a run or Tae Bo or something. The other thing- and probably most important in the long run, is how to deal with things better. Being taken advantage of makes me angry. I know I ultimately let it happen. I just suck at confrontation. I haven't gained the skills to ask for what I deserve.

My bosses know I am a tenderhearted person. They praise my skills working with customers,etc. But they know I am not aggressive and pushy and I won't make waves. I don't like upsetting the balance of things, but if things aren't going to be fair or equal.... it makes me damn angry. My job is based on numbers. Some of my coworkers are greedy and shady. I hate working with people like that. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Because I chose to perform my job as I am supposed to, I lost out big-time. Out of 33 activations yesterday, I got 1. 1. THAT is terrible. My greedy coworkers enjoyed the fruits of essentially stealing from me while I took care of the other customers (which didn't help me in the numbers game). My one boss (female is constantly snarky and mean) purposely helped things go that way. She loves to make things hard on me. What can I do. HR is useless in this situation. I don't want to call people out because in this industry they can make it even worse. It a manager doesn't stand tall and firm and knock this behavior out then nothing will change. My option seems to be sit back and take it or do what I feel is wrong and do what my coworkers do. :( Feeling powerless makes for a bad situation for me.

Powerless = anger = seeking some kind of power? Its almost like a reverse anorexia. I'll binge for control? I don't go and eat bags of crap until I am sick, I just eat whatever will make me feel better at that moment. I can recall moments of shopping for Reese's in a fit of anger. I wonder what started this.... I'll have to think on this. This is definitely pivitol in my weight loss journey.

For now, I need to redirect the energy to something healthier- like exercising (even though that is the last thing I want to do). That will at least keep me from setting myself back too far. I need to figure out more of this anger/eating thing and get some skills to help me cope and stand up for myself. I'm used to being the wallflower.

Edited to add this link: Stop Emotional Eating

Obese you say?

Not me!

My doctor- make that my EX-doctor is a jerk. And his nurse is an idiot. First, he has called me obese 3x. My BMI shows I am certainly overweight but still not in the obese range. I am also not as fat as the nurse told me. She was off by 10%!! I got the results in the mail today and wow. I don't know what she was looking at but its clear as day on the report what my totals for body fat and bone density are. *sigh* So.... I am relieved that things aren't AS bad as I was told. I still have a ton of work to do, but I feel so much more hopeful. I feel like there is hope.

I am struggling pretty badly today. My job and bosses are making things REALLY difficult on me. I don't know what the agenda is, but they like to make sure I can't eat on schedule and now they are making it hard for me to get time off for team meetings. I am closing almost every single day in December. It makes my evening meals really screwed up, but I don't have to get up at 4am to get workouts in now. :) I am frustrated with my situation, but I will keep pressing on.

Pretty figure statue, here I come! :D

Refined Carbs= irritable?

So I woke up the carb monster in me yesterday. I had all sorts of luscious refined carb goodness. I won't say what to spare everyone, but I indulged in my free meal- bigtime. Quantity of food was fine, but quality... well plain turkey is ON plan, but the other T-day fixins were not. :O I found myself irritable shortly after the carb spike ended and I was looking for MORE. I needed more carbs to get my fix. I have been drinking water like a fiend last night and this morning, trying to drown out the call for more simple sugars. I am fiending for more right now! I *want* (almost NEED) something white and refined. lol Hubby has a bagel in the kitchen and I have been fighting it off all morning. *ack* Now I completely realize what will happen if I eat that bagel. I realize where it will lead. MORE of this. Today at work will collapse around me. I'll be eating and picking at all the garbage like everyone else. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I am off to do some EMC and then eat protein pancakes. I'm thinking maybe I can make some extra and use them on the go today. I HAVE to make sure my nutrition is 100% solid today. My carb monster is reactivated and I am back to fighting him back down into remission. I just can't believe how quickly the drop in refined carbs comes. My sugar is SO less stable. I felt it drop and immediately I wanted more. No wonder my family is overweight. *sigh*


Okay I'm off to do some EMC and then get some non-refined carbs and lots of good protein in me. :P

I learn something every day.... I am thankful for that!

Thanksgiving Thought

Thankful for It All

Think today of how good life can be. And you'll see that life's true goodness comes not from what you have, but from how much you value and appreciate it.

There is no end to the possibilities for richness and fulfillment in your life. There is no limit to what you can make of whatever you have.

Consider what you are able to be thankful for, and you'll discover something wonderful and empowering. You can be thankful for it all.

Look back and you'll see that the pleasures and the pains have both pushed you forward and given you countless opportunities for real growth. You've been supported by the good things you do have and inspired to reach for those things you do not yet have.

The triumphs have given you joy and the disappointments have strengthened your determination. All of it has enabled you to more richly fulfill the beautiful, genuine person you are.

Treasure all that is around you, whatever it may be, and open yourself to the positive possibilities. Be truly thankful for it all, and every day is even more rich and fulfilling than the day before.

-- Ralph Marston

I want one!

So, I guess this is motivation for today...





I want one. I want one, because I won it. :D You hear that body? You hear that attitude? We must get it together, because I want that! Ok, GO!

New Attitude, New Look...

Okay. I hate leaving my blog on a negative note. I have had some time to cry and pout and feel desperate and be angry. I can't change anything that happened that got me to this point. I can be proud of what I have accomplished so far and move forward. I can only improve from here. I am going to continue doing my best to make the best choices to lose this fat. I hit bottom officially with that number. It was a sucker-punch that doubled me over. I now can move upward and onward. No more turning back. I can never go back. I can only move closer to my dreams and goals.

I decided it was time for a change on the blog. I liked the other one, but I needed something new. New attitude, new look? :)

I have this printed up and it made its way into my view this evening. Perfect.


Dare to Imagine-- Ralph Marston

"In your min dyou can go anywhere. And where your mind consistently goes, the rest of your life will follow.

There is no limit to what you can imagine. And what you imagine, you have already begun to create.

Allow your thoughts to travel often to beautiful and magnificent places. In your mind, construct all the rich details of the life you wish to live.

In order to reach for a dream, you must know what it looks like, how it feels, and where it is. Long before you actually get there, your mind can enable you to experience all these things.

Every success is first a success of the imagination. What wonderful pathways will you dare to imagine?

Set your imagination free and it will show you who you are. Let imagination guide your efforts and your dreams will be fulfilled."

So there you go. I'm back to imagining myself on stage, ready to win! It just might be some other date...

Just when I thought I was on an upswing....

I am pretty much at the lowest point. I don't know where to go from here. I am ready to give up. How could I POSSIBLY be THIS fat??? And I lost 26lbs this year! The percentage is mind boggling. I think its safe to say I won't be getting on stage anytime soon. Probably not until the end of next year if I work even harder than ever. I want to say its not fair. Being a vegetarian for the last 5 years obviously hurt me more than anything. I didn't get enough protein at all. I know I didn't eat well, but I mean isn't there a point where you just can't be any fatter? I mean you can't be 100% fat. All the weight training I have done, all the cardio, all the clean eating... I feel like I worked so hard to hear 53.3%. What? WHAT? How is that possible?? Does that mean I was like 60 or 70% earlier this year???? Its a damn DEXA scan. Its not wrong. I am trying not to bawl like a baby and give up. I swear my doctor likes to be mean. The nurse calls and says "Dr. X says you results still put you in the Obese range, continue on your program." I had to make her give me the percentage and what the hell- he doesn't know what program I'm on. He has never given me guidance. Just the last visit where he told me I was obese.

I just feel like the biggest piece of crap right now. I feel like my dreams have just been ripped away. I SO wanted to be ready for April. I really thought that I was in better condition than that. Obviously not. I am my worst fears. I AM the fat girl that wants to play and no one wants her to cuz she's too fat and slow. I have always felt this way and now its been thrown in my face. I don't think I can do the Fitbody team. I am waaaaay to self conscious. These girls on the team will be starting with half the body fat I have or less.

I feel like never eating again. I feel like I should tie myself to the treadmill until the soles of my shoes are gone. (no worries it won't happen) I just feel so... lost and hopeless.

Is there something just that wrong with me? I haven't been perfect, but I just can't believe that working as hard as I have this year that this is my condition. I am trying not to freak but I am. I am going to have to decide what to do. I will keep trying but this is just a kick in the face. Oh- and my mean female boss says I would make a good PLUS size model. Thanks.

Feeling Human Again

I am finally feeling human again. I think (*fingers crossed*) that the ickies are leaving me! My head is still draining, but at least I have some balance, I'm a little more perky and I can sorta breathe. lol I am not so cranky this morning. I love it. Gosh, when I get sick I just get cranky and unhappy. I hate being sick so much. So from today, on, I am focusing on how healthy and well I feel.

Drinking all this water has helped tremendously I think. I think it has helped flush the junk out. Staying hydrated when sick is so important. I think having the water habit in place already made a huge difference. I am working on consistent nutrition for next week. Its the holiday season and work is stupid crazy- and so are my bosses. They don't like you to stop to even use the bathroom! I really hate drinking my RTDs in the bathroom, but it looks like that is my last resort option. I chug as much water as I can throughout the day, but I like to sip my RTDs and not gulp them down. I will do what I need to do.
I am feeling determined again. I am resting today and eating clean. Tomorrow starts Week 2. I have got to hit it 100%. Every day, every moment, every decision counts. Poor choices I make- be it eating something not on plan, not eating enough now, missing workouts, etc- each choice will show on stage on April 4th. Hopefully all my good choices will show up, too. :)
Yep, I'm feeling alive again. :D

:(

I am so sick. I started feeling better on Thursday- I think the antibiotics kicked in? Yesterday morning I was feeling great. After my workout and shower I started feeling so-so. By mid-day I was spent. My head is pounding and filled with more crap than I thought could possibly fit in there! My poor nose is RAW. My ears are now plugged up. I sneezed over 20 times yesterday and I just gave up counting. How did I end up feeling worse??? Did that steroid shot for my lungs make everything worse? I just feel like I have been run over and my head was stomped on just for fun. It literally hurts to even lightly touch my head. :(
Monday starts a fresh week of training and I'm going to be angry if this darn cold thing doesn't get lost. This week was not how I hoped it would go. Every moment counts. I'm trying to not to get discouraged but I am afraid I won't make my April show date. I don't want to just get on the stage. I want to get on the stage with a competitive physique. I'm trying not to worry about things, but its hard. I don't want to feel like junk. I want to be healthy and strong and tackling my workouts.


On a positive note: GO MUSCLE IN THE CITY!!!!!!!! ROCKFORD won't know what hit 'em!

Turkey Chili Recipe

I made this tonight. Depending on what is allowed on your plan, this is a pretty clean meal. I made my serving size 2 cups. Perfect for cold, snowy weather. :)

Hillary's Turkey Chili


Ingredients:

1 lb 97% lean ground turkey
1 1/2 cups frozen chopped onion (you can use fresh, but frozen is way less time consuming)
4 cups frozen Stir Fry Pepper Mix (about 1/2 a bag)
2 cans low sodium diced tomatoes
1 can kidney beans- well rinsed
4 cloves of garlic- chopped
1 1/2 tsp cumin (or to taste)
1 TBSP chili powder
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
salt and pepper to taste

Brown the ground turkey in pan.
Coat a large pot with cooking spray and add garlic and onion. Add seasonings to onions and garlic.
Next, add peppers and tomatoes.
Slowly stir mixture, then add rinsed kidney beans.
Add browned turkey and cook on low for 40-50 minutes.

Makes 6-8 servings

Nutrition Info (based on 6- 2 cup servings)

Calories: 194
Fat: 1.6g
Carbs: 21
Protein: 23.5
Fiber: 4.8

I tried to make this as clean as possible. Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions. :)
Enjoy!

Tagged- several times...

Okay I have been tagged several times, so here it goes.

6 things (x3) that make me happy:

1. Warm blankets
2. Spice Chai Latte (more specifically: Venti Vanilla with Whip Chai)
3. The beach
4. Water- I LUV water!
5. Snuggling with my hubby
6. UMP shake w/ ice & milk - Yummmmmm! Its soooo like a real milkshake!
7. Big Fluffy bath towels from the dryer
8. Chili - made with turkey and kidney beans
9. The color PINK :)
10. Cinnamon- I add cinnamon to a lot of my food and I love candles, body sprays, etc that have cinnamon in them.
11. Fit Friends! :)
12. Training with Julie
13. Dogs! (Petfinder breaks my heart... so many animals need homes! I wish I could rescue them all!)
14. Photography- I love taking pictures. I mostly take pictures of nature.
15. Aruba
16. Pizza. Its my favorite food unfortunately. lol
17. Surprise presents- i love being surprised in a good way! :)
18. Books- I love reading. I wish I had more time to read. Books make good company.

I'll have to think of the weird things about me and get back to you all. Since most of you have already been tagged, I won't tag anyone, but if you haven't been tagged yet.... then... TAG! You're it! :D

"You're basically obese...."

Not everyone gets to hear those words ring in their ears. I get to.

This is why I love going to the doctor's. *sigh* This congestion, coughing and wheezing got to me so I sucked it up and went to the doctor's today. I got all that fun stuff taken care of- I guess I have asthma issues and my lungs sound terrible and are spasming. Okay... I guess I didn't notice my lungs spasming, but if its impeding my breathing then let's fix it. I got some antibiotics and a shot in the butt. *OUCH* I have a feeling I'm going to be sore.

Anyway... after we took care of the primary reason for my going to the doc's in the first place, I asked if he could give me a referral for a DEXA scan for body composition. They offer the body comp scans, but a referral is still required. First my doctor looks at me and asks why I want one. (ummm, duh? I want to know my body composition?) I tell him why and then he looks at my chart where they apparently calculate BMI's. I know BMI's aren't 100% but they work for the majority as decent indicators. He looks at my BMI and blurts out "You are basically obese. Okay get the scan and then put the results on your refrigerator as a wake up call." Then he walks out of the room. ?????????????? Okay so I sit there dazed for a minute and he sticks his head back in the room and says "Oh, if you don't lose weight by January, see me. I will give you Miridia. Its an old anti-depressant that was designed for weight loss. Its not a stimulant but it will jump start you."

I'm not going to let this ruin me. I wanted to tell him to look at my chart- he'd see that I have lost 25lbs this year. Its not like I am sitting on my butt eating Twinkies. (for the record I think Twinkies are gross.) I have had to work hard to get where I am. Its not great I know, but its certainly an improvement. Thanks for the encouragement doc. *sigh* I'm going to use this as more fuel. It stings. I won't lie. It feels like I am trying to fight my own ugly inner voice and then some outside ugly voice chimes in. If I weren't working with Julie right now I think I might be in a different place. I would be crying and eating some crap food. Instead I am going to keep looking at my inspiration picture and I'll keep repeating "Hillary, You Can Do This".

Tomorrow morning I have my DEXA scan. I am hoping its not too bad. I know its not good and I'm guessing I am still somewhere in the 30% range of fat. I am just hoping its not in the 40 or 50% range. After all the work I have done this year, that might make me cry.


For those who have tagged me- I promise I'll do a new post soon.

Gym Woes

So I went to check out a new gym last night. I asked for a free trial and I got a two-week free pass along with a ton of discounts if I join. I went at 7:15 after I got off of work and there were 3 people working out. I asked what times were busy and they guy who was showing me around kinda got defensive until he realized I was interested in working out when I didn't have to fight meatheads for weights. He used the word meathead! LOL I felt... turned off by the whole experience. This gym is close and well... convenient. Its small, low traffic but its missing some things. One machine I *really* want is the assisted pull up machine. I looked around and didn't see one so I asked. The guy tells me they don't have one but not many girls can do pullups anyway. Uhhhh Hello? I'm a girl and I'd like to do pull ups but I need some darn help to get there! Okay so not the biggest deal, but it could be a deal breaker. So we continue talking and going over stuff. He's trying to sell me on what discounts he can offer, blah, blah, blah. The cardio area was tiny! If it was busy I could see being irritated about cardio equipment. The final thing that just irked me was the personal training conversation. I told him I already had a trainer (who wouldn't be in the area to create conflict with his staff trainers) and I wasn't interested in hiring anyone there. I just wanted to know if they did body fat measurements. I was told that they have a bio-impedance machine and that was perfectly accurate and no one did skin-fold. Ummmm- I may be fat, but I'm not stupid! I know those things aren't "perfectly accurate". And when I saw the 2 personal trainers I questioned if they took their own advice or were just not really qualified- they were not in shape at all! After I mentioned the body fat thing he would not stop offering me personal training services. *sigh* Didn't you hear me?? I told you I had a trainer already I just need help with skin fold measurements. I have my own darn calipers. Its just hard or impossible in some cases to get measurements in all places. Teaching the hubby is going to be fun. *ugh* LOL Someone told me of a new gym that I was unaware of. Guess I am off to check that one out too.

Side note- I have to go to the doctors I think for this darn head/chest cold that has kicked me down. While I am there I think I am going to ask for a referral for a DEXA scan. They offer body comp scans now and well.... I know that will be accurate for sure. Better than teaching the hubby how to use calipers! LOL

I wish I could just have my own gym. I loved when I worked at the YMCA. Ours was kick ass! We had an awesome cardio section and a great free weight room- not in a basement like most Y's. I worked as a personal trainer and loved it. I look back and realize I was barely qualified- just by YMCA standards, but it was still great. I was trained with just enough to get by. Most people weren't looking for hard core anything. They just wanted to learn how to use equipment and do basic exercises. I really enjoyed it. I loved my old guys that came in for cardiac rehab. :D Ahhhh- the good ol' days. lol I realize now there is SOOO much more to fitness and the human body. Wow.

Courage

I love this. I am such a 'fraidy cat sometimes- usually for no good reason.







This is how I feel about my goals. My goals and dreams are more important than how I feel at the gym (aka- self-conscious and afraid everyone will laugh or stare at me).
I'm jumpin' off the cliff! Wahoo!

I'm over it! (Food Porn discussion & more - SKIP if you need to!)

Just filling up some space here so that my competing friends who may be in a moment of weakness don't read the food porn words that will follow. lalalala :D


So I am starting a new program on Monday. Of course my "old brain" yells- "OMG! We gotta eat all the bad stuff now since we'll be deprived until April! EAT!!!" I have been 50-75% clean eating the last 3 days. I had my Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream. It just wasn't as good. The first few bites were great and then I was just over it. Pizza is always my weakness, but having a salad first filled me up and after a slice I was over it. I typically love Chinese food. I love spices and Hunan Chicken is a tasty treat- I had that last night and well... I'm over it. My "new brain" MUST be taking over because I just haven't enjoyed those foods much and I can't wait to start eating clean again. I don't like the physical effects of eating junk. I can really tell when things aren't right. Who'd a thunk it??? LOL

I am getting REALLY REALLY pumped. I am now having dreams about competitions. I am really SEEING myself getting ready and overcoming obstacles. I am surprised at my determination. I really want this. I WILL be ready and on stage looking for a trophy in April. I'm sure I'll have to work hard and fight some old mindsets that tell me I am weak and I should just settle for X instead of getting A. As of right now this isn't the issue. :) I'm seeing it, I'm believing it. I am going for it! I already have people telling me not to get too "manly" or too buff. I guess soft & squishy is more comfortable for everyone else. Well... I've been soft & squishy for too long! I'm OVER IT! I have asked my coworkers to come support me in April and to support me during my training. I told them if they see me with ANY bad foods they need to slap it out of my hands and yell "Competition". :D Its funny how asking people to help me and support me has changed their attitude. Now they are involved in some way and they seem less resistant. I'm sure once I start looking "too hard or too manly" they will try to feed me junk, but for now the holidays should be a little easier.

Off to the place that interrupts my training... aka my job.

Life has tried to get me down...

So I came back from Kentucky with a new fire. My first day heading back to work.... my car wouldn't start! Seriously?? Okay... no worries. I got a ride into work, had my lunch packed- I ate clean and drank my gallon of water. Many times in my life food has been my comfort. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about comfort food when I realized the cost to rent a car while mine is being fixed- and the cost of that, etc. I don't like unexpected bills. Who does? Unexpected sums of money coming IN is another story-haha. Anyway, I didn't give in. I asked myself- what would a Pro Figure Champ do? What would she eat? Would she give into a moment or would she stay the course? I have chosen to stay the course. There is no need to make poor food choices just because some event occurred.

I am pleased with my renewed determination. I am excited. I met one person this week that is excited about my goals. I more than likely won't see her again, but it was nice to have someone not recoil and go "ewww. Don't be a gross manly woman." *sigh* My parents, coworkers and hubby are all not on board. Its okay- except for the hubby. He wants me to be healthy and is okay with the Bikini thing, but anything else is too much. I'm just not going to talk to many people about it. It makes me sad because this is important to me, but I am not going to get put down over it. I've already tried to explain and show that these figure women are gorgeous and strong, but people won't listen. All I can do is show them when I get there. Everyone has their own ideas. Its cool. I just would appreciate it if they would not try and knock me down.

The last few days have been exhausting with the extra work and trainings and car drama. I am happy about the clean eating and water drinking. I need to get some solid sleep tonight. Last few nights my cats have been... jerks. Ha. I am ready to push HARD in my workouts the next few days. I've been kinda weak- I think the low sleep hurt me. Good sleep tonight and I am hitting it hard tomorrow!

Julie- Thank you again! You are the best!

Still Feeling It! (and link to KY Muscle pics)

I am still feeling the "high" from the weekend. I am excited and totally determined. I know that there are people I work for and with that are going to try and bust my bubble today. I'm just not going to give in. I am better than that. Heck- right now I'll say I am better off than they are. My life does not revolve around my workplace and my value and worth is not based on my job or what my superiors, coworkers or customers think of me. It only matters what I think of me.
Instead of viewing myself as a fatty trying to lose weight, I am going to start thinking of myself as an awesome body that needs a little remodeling. (insert cheesy grin here) Its like a car or house that needs a new coat of paint and some rearranging. I just need to rearrange the fat (outta the body!) and add some muscle in the right places. Time to remodel "my house" into my dream house. :D

I read today that the rate of heart failure has tripled in the last 30 years. Yikes! All the more reason to be healthy. I don't want to be a statistic. I want to be healthy and strong and SEXY. :D


For anyone who wants to see more KY Muscle Show pictures you can go to Alexis Rhea Photography

I haven't uploaded ALL my pics but I'm still recovering from lack of sleep. :P

(edited because my link disappeared?? trying again.... if it goes away again its: http://alexisrhea.smugmug.com/Events )

Kentucky Muscle Show

Wow. WOW.

This was the first competition that I have ever attended. WOW! I can't stop grinning. You know the one- the big cheesy grin that makes people wonder what your thinking about. :D

I got up at 4am, showered up and hit the road yesterday morning. I managed to get to Kentucky (from Northern Ohio) in 4.5 hours. The traffic was a breeze and the weather broke when I hit Kentucky- beautiful! I stopped at The Galt House hotel and picked up my tickets and surprise gift from Carla. (LUV, LUV, LUV!) I walked around downtown Louisville and found the convention center. I went into the expo just in time to see the IFBB Pro girls at prejudging. WOW!!! I found Tracy at Julie Lohre's booth. I was so happy to find someone I "knew". lol Tracy is awesome! Look out NPC she's serious! ;)
Tracy was so nice and answered my millions of questions about how comps worked and why things happened they way they did and what the judges look for, etc. Julie was up onstage expediting so I asked Tracy more questions about Julie. LOL It was really cool to see the pro girls do their thing. They make it look so stinkin' easy! I know better! They were gorgeous and graceful. Wow.

Julie came back to her booth for a bit and Tracy introduced me. Julie is THE SWEETEST woman I have ever met! She was SO nice. She asked me questions, answered mine and she gave me a photo of her (my MOST favorite picture ever and my inspiration photo since I began BFL this year) and she signed it. I told her I wanted to have a picture like that of me and that she was so inspiring to me. She wrote on the photo "Hillary, You Can Do This". I don't think anyone saw, but a tear snuck out at that point. Wow. How's that for motivation??? Julie Lohre, and IFBB Pro tells you that you can do something?? Dang Skippy you can! I am back with a vengeance! My fire has been re-lit. Seeing all the fit bodies- live, in person and up close- makes a huge impact on the psyche. These aren't just bodies in pictures online or in a magazine. REAL people can look this good! And for the record- Miss Tracy looks even better in person than her pictures may reveal! She's skinny! (but buff) LOL No more "fat girl" attitude missy! You look great! ;)

I wish I would have freshened up the make-up and fixed my dang shirt. I looked like a dork all day. LOL Someone could have told me..... I had to wait to see the pictures! *gah* Oh well... 6 months from now... the next picture of Julie and I will be AWESOME. :D (She said so!) LOL



And beautiful Tracy....




The body building pre-judging was neat to see. I think I could do well judging the boyz. LOL With only one exception I called the top 5 order every time. Whoa. And let me just say- There were some seriously beautiful men there. Jami (from BFL tracker) and I had a nice time. LOL! Rawr! I had 2 favorite posing routines. The first was the overall Novice winner- GREAT body and great routine. The second fave was a 56yr old guy who posed to Toby Keith's- "I Ain't as Good as I Once Was". LOL It was hysterical and he did a great job.

I'll post the link to the pics later.

I am sooo pumped! (and no, its not from the millions of free samples I scored at the expo! tee hee hee)

Kentucky.... Here I Come

Tonight I need to get my sleep. I leave at 0500 for Kentucky. :) I get to meet Carla and Tracy and Jami and hopefully Julie Lohre!! (I thought I saw a rumor about Beka going??) I can't wait to take pics of everyone. :D

I am filled with mixture of emotions. I am so excited to meet everyone! I am SOOO proud of Carla. I know she is going to do fabulous! She just has to do awesome!

I feel anxious. I'm definitely going to be a fat chick in a sea of beautiful and fit women. I feel like the fat kid in gym class again. :( Always running behind everyone else. Huffing and puffing- barely crossing the finish line. I am sad. I wanted to be SOOO much further by now. I really did. I thought I could do it. I have lost some energy somewhere. I am so tired and well.... depressed. I am hoping this weekend will be the shock I need to get my booty back on track. I hate being so self-conscious and awkward. I need some girl time this weekend. I am looking forward to this so much. Maybe it will help being around women who aren't a bunch of flakes- women who are strong and amazing (love you Carla, Tracy & Jami!)The ladies I see on a daily basis are not good health company for sure. I have just felt so low. My support is nil. Hubs is starting to make things hard again. :/ I need this weekend. I need to be surrounded by my dreams. Things have been lost in the fog. I think 10 hours of driving will help me get some alone time, too. ;) I will have pics and stories for sure when I return on Sunday . I should have a a better 'tude, too. ;)

I can hardly walk...

:D

I did a KILLER leg workout on Saturday. Yesterday I was sore, but WOWSERS! Today I can barely move. I decided to just do chest and tri's today and attempt a walk at lunch. I am off tomorrow and plan a good measure of EMC.

I am trying really hard not to freak out today. I have to go back to work with my old boss. :( It sucks. He's controlling, negative, condescending, nagging, belittling, overbearing.... the list goes on. Despite numerous complaints from every store he goes to, he still has a job. No one knows why. I was bombarded yesterday with people complaining to me about how bad it was the first day he came back. Today 6 text messages- I go in at noon. *sigh* I need to make some changes in my career.... soon.

No matter what happens today, I am eating clean and drinking my water. I'm done with other people trying to interfere with my goals.

Feeling Mushy.... awww

I'm feeling all mushy now. I was looking online at the resort where we got married (3 years ago yesterday!) Our wedding pictures are still up on the site! Awwwww....

Hubby got me some flowers and I'm feeling all mushy and weepy. lol I loved my wedding. I want to get married again! lol Its not like we need to renew our vows or anything... it was just such a happy time for me. I'm am SO getting my booty into shape. I want to fit in my dress again. Maybe I can get a 2nd honeymoon or something out of it....

Happy Anniversary (yesterday) Baby! :D

Its November!

Wow. I can't believe it. November already!

I have been pretty on target the last few days I can tell. Now if this sinus/stomach thing would just LEAVE already I'd be doing great. I'll be feeling great for awhile and then it hits me with waves of nausea, a killer headache and then I feel congested after I lie down. *sigh* I'm getting pretty grumpy about that but I'm NOT giving in. I've been eating cleaner and pushing harder. It feels great.

Lsat night we watched Jeepers Creepers, Constantine (Luv Keanu Reeves!) and Resident Evil. :) We also carved pumpkins! Mine is the Om symbol. :)



I am SOOOO exited about going to the KY Muscle Show next weekend! I get to see my friends, get a kick in the pants with motivation (though I'm doing pretty good right now) and possibly meet Julie Lohre! I can't wait to take lots of pics. I love taking pictures and it would be an honor to get some awesome shots of my friends showing off their best. :)

We may be going to a "Halloween" party uptown tonight. If we do, I'll take pics! :)