I wish I had something positive to post. Tomorrow is a good thing. I'm praying for answers and resolution.
Right now I am still nauseous, another headache is here and I am extremely aggitated. I hate this feeling. Its like a lingering flu, but with extreme moods.
I feel a little better getting that out but not much. Tomorrow is the day...
So the last couple of days have been pretty good. I've been happy that the headaches are minimal and my moods have been more stable than not. Yesterday a sadness crept in that I could not shake. By the end of the day I was crying. Not because of stress, but because I just felt so sad. :( I felt like my life was really lacking. I know I am not on the path I desire, but this flood of emotion caught me off guard. It started off from a dream I had woken up from. The rest of the day kinda went south from there. I am still trying to shake the sadness this morning. The headaches are creeping back again. So I'm trying to keep the severity down. Last night I was SO anxious. I was figidty and nauseous. I guess its been nice that I haven't been able to eat much the last few days. I only have today and tomorrow. Wednesday is the day! I'm excited and nervous. I *HATE* needles. I have small veins and its a pain to draw blood from me. I am hoping for some answers or relief. More than likely I'll have to wait for another appointment. But I can hope...
Yesterday the weather was weird. It would rain then be sunny, then rain and be sunny. I looked out the window at work and saw sun AND rain. I asked out loud- Ooo I wonder if there will be a rainbow. I looked a little to the left and WOW!! It was the most gorgeous rainbow I have ever seen! It was dark and vibrant. You could see each color distinctly. It was a full rainbow and there was a faint second one on top. Rainbows are magical to me. They are special and cause to stop for a moment and reflect. Some people stopped and took in the moment, but most people could have cared less. ??? I was really sad that most people didn't care. How is that possible? I don't care how many I have seen already, each one is different and special. I was bummed I didn't have my camera, but we have camera phones! :D Sucky composition in these, but you'll still see how wonderful it was.
If you look real hard you can see the second one real faint on top.... :D
Magical I say!
Yesterday was a good day. I made it through with just a tiny headache at the end of the night when I was tired. No biggie. :) I did the photo shoot with my friend and it was so much fun! (Thanks for the pep talk Lori!)
I got some really nice pictures that we will both be happy with. Here's one:
Today I am not feeling so great. My stomach is still in knots and my head is hurting. I don't understand. I almost feel anxious but I don't know why. I got some time in on my bike and I should eat breakfast but I just can't. I tired a little Kashi Go Lean and I gagged. :( I can barely get water down. What's up?? Food is just a pain lately. The last few days I haven't wanted to eat anything. The cravings are dwindling down. yay. Too bad the headaches are still here.
I have to close with the crazy boss tonight. Not feeling happy about that. At least I have some friends closing with me. Today the sun is shining. I always have something I can appreciate. :)
Wowser! My waist, butt, hips, thighs, knees and feet all got a workout! Plus I got to stare at Maks. :P *drool* I always knew the dancers made it look easier than it was, but dang! Its hard to get things swiveling in the right direction, keep your core tight, move this direction then that. *whew* I'm sure once you know the basics it just comes naturally. I am giving even more kudos to the stars on DWTS!
Cheryl teaches 2 dances and Maks teaches 2 dances. Its so fun! Maks always comes off as the bad boy, bad attitude on the show, but he's super nice and a great teacher on the video. It doesn't seem fake or anything. He's all about staying positive and having fun. :) I want me a dancer's body! :D
So I got my Latin Grooves on this morning. I feel more upbeat today. I had my Super Shake and my vitamins. Almost a liter of water down. :) My head was decent yesterday. Today seems to be okay so far as well.
I am back to the weight I was a year ago. I'm frustrated that is has been so incredibly easy to put the weight back on. I kept 13lbs off but I am trying so hard to keep that off and lose more. I gained back 16lbs. *UGH* I am trying to stay positive. 6 days until my doctor's appointment. I am hoping and praying she is as good as I hope. She specializes in Metabolic Disorders and PCOS. Hopefully I can get some answers AND solutions.
Its a beautiful sunny day. I'm so happy I am off today. I have an eye doctor appointment and then I am taking pictures for my friend. Its a maternity photo shoot. I'm so stinking nervous. I've never done anything like this. Wish me luck!
One moment I am full of will power and determination... the next I am not. 8 days until they draw blood to find out what is wrong. I am feeling like a maniac. The headaches come and I find that my nose bleeds at some point and I am SO aggressive. The stupidest things are setting me off. I have been able to control myself so far, but dang! The thoughts I have are just MEAN! :( I'm not a mean person. This is so NOT like me. I am not caring or compassionate or even remotely understanding when this happens. Its like a switch or something. I have been extremely agitated and anxious since last night. I don't know what happened. I started getting sharp pains in my head and then my nose felt really stuffy. I knew it was the blood clots in my nose. Sure enough it was. I was feeling angry before that for no apparent reason. Then I just couldn't stop the nervous energy- you know the toe tapping or leg shaking. Constant movement. Of course I couldn't seem to channel that into working out. :( I just feel so damn out of control. Its scary. I feel like I am watching another person act out in my body. This is the first week post-period. I'm not really sure what hormones are doing what at this point. Its not PMS. Its AMS. I just feel like a whacko.
I haven't been perfect. Dinner is the big struggle. Its just so hard to see the scale go up and my clothes fit tighter. I do better than most Americans do who don't gain weight the way I do. Yet, my imperfection still leads to hefty punishment.
The doctor is going to think I"m nuts when I see her. I might just fall on my knees and beg. Please fix me. I can't take the headaches and insane mood swings much longer. Nevermind the monstrosity I have become in the last 2 months. I need some help.
*sigh*
Timing is everything, eh?
I've been thinking a lot and today Liimu's blog fell in line with what I have been thinking about.
Here is part of my response to her blog. I was able to really pull out what has been on my mind.
The biggest hurdle I face (and it seems you are on the same level with this) is: feelings dictating action (or inaction). NO! "I don't feel like eating chicken and broccoli again." I don't feel like working out for 90 minutes." "I feel like eating something comforting that tastes yummy." See a pattern? I'm not trying to be mean. Trust me I KNOW its hard. The way I see it, I ate what I felt like and did or didn't do what I felt like for so long and really- where has it gotten me? It got me to fat and lazy with bad habits. Old habits die hard.
Its not that you have to hate your workouts or food. You don't have to LOVE them either. Try just being observant of your meals. How many bites are you taking? How does the food feel in your mouth? The tastes? Set the fork down (or cup when its a shake) in between bites or drinks. Don't judge the taste or texture, just observe. Its hard to do, but it might make things more interesting for awhile.
Sometimes I feel like I have to pay my dues. A hurricane only takes a few hours and maybe a a few days to cause complete devastation. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to repair and rebuild in the aftermath. So... all the damage I've done to my body over the years will take longer to repair. And DAMN! is that a hard pill to swallow. I want my beach ready, model body now, too.
My final thought not in my response:
So- the conclusion I have come to is that its just going to take hard work to get this done. Anyone who claims weight loss is simple and easy is lying- or never had much weight to lose. Sometimes the weight comes off faster and easier but the reality is, that large amounts of weight take longer. I trained my body to store fat in case of stress and famine. My body doesn't realize yet that its okay, its not necessary to hang on to the fat. Undoing that will take time. And forcing my body to burn fat as fuel (not its first choice in fuel) is not going to feel good.
Summer is still coming whether I like it or not. No more tomorrows, no more doubts. Its time to just kick it. The reward will be worth it.
:P Too funny.
I know I'm lacking quality on my posts lately. *sigh* Things are going okay. Tonight is my first workout on The Wave. :) I'm excited.
I've been thinking about this and I am SO happy that Steve Wozniak gets to stay another week. He puts everything is he has into these dances. So he isn't the best. He's not great, but he's so entertaining and his smile is contagious. He looks like he's having the time of his life. I cried last night. You can see how dedicated he is and how positive his attitude is. I'm not the biggest fan of Karina. In the past she has come off snarky and stuck up. She is, however, and awesome dancer. Last night, there was a different look on her face. Her demeanor has softened and she was smiling more. I think Steve's spirit is contagious. He is inspiring!
He's not in the best health or shape. He's the computer geek and not an athlete. But here he is giving us all he can. The judges can pick at him and say harsh things but even they admit he has something about him.
Thank you Steve for showing me that whatever I desire to do should be FUN & ENJOYABLE. I don't have to be PERFECT. If I work hard and I do my best that is all that matters. Sure it matters to judges- its their job, but making the most out of an opportunity is key. Thank you for SHOWING me the right perspective.
As far as the serious skill and competition goes... Gilles and Cheryl are tops! ;) There are some others that are great though. :P
Cardio done. Super Shake in. Supplements/Vitamins in. I feel good! My neck is still tender, but overall I feel great. TOM is sorta here. I am pretty happy the sun is shining. :) I have been toying with more comp thoughts. I still *really* want to do one! The show that I really want to do is October 10th. That means I have 29 weeks. I think/hope once I get the hormone situation corrected that I could do it. I'm thinking bikini right now, though I am hearing they are still going soft for figure? We'll see once I get closer. For now I am just trying to burn off some fat, slow and steady.
Okay, off to shower up, take some pics and measurements, then work!
16 Days until my doctor's appointment. Woo! I am not thrilled about having a lot of blood draws, but I am tired of feeling so whacked. The last day or so has been decent. My body is aching like crazy though. My lower back, hips and ankles have been so sore. *Weird* Last night my wrists started hurting and today my upper back and neck hurt. All my joints feel... crunchy. Crunchy and achy. Nothing has changed in my routine or shoes... I'm trying not to take pain killers, but it looks like I might take some Tylenol today. My face is starting to clear up! THANK HEAVENS! I was feeling WAY gross. And they those dang pimples HURT.
6 weeks from today starts my vacation. I can't wait! I am trying to push hard so I can feel lighter and more energetic. The plan right now is to go to the Rocky Mountain National Park so I can take some pictures. :D I need to expand my subject base.
Since I started my health plan with supplements and using Greens Plus AND stopping birth control my energy levels have been better. I'm not dying for a nap all the time. When the headaches are really bad I want to sleep, but not because I am tired really. I just want to relax and shut everything out. Hormones are confusing. I am hoping and praying that this new doc can help me. I want to keep my energy and keep the depression away. I have had sad moments during all this PMS-like stage, but nothing like the depression I experienced for the last 8 years. I was always tired, lethargic and typically depressed about life. I had some okay moments and happy times, but my general demeanor has been ho-hum and glum. Another strange thing I have noticed with my hormones is related to appetite. The last few days I could care less if there is chocolate and candy. I'm not that hungry or interested in food. I have hunger pain and feel bothered to eat. Before I was raging for food ALL THE TIME.
Mood, weight, energy levels (ie- exhaustion), appetite & cravings, quality of sleep, skin condition, hair, and so many other things are affected by hormones. That's probably a *duh* statement, but I needed to summarize it. The last 8 years of my life (on Hormonal Birth Control) have been tough. I ONLY wish I would have understood things weren't right sooner. Funny how years of going to different doctor's and NOT ONE mentioned birth control as something effecting me. I've been to family care docs, two OB/GYNs, sleep specialist, a neurologist... It was my new OB/GYN who mentioned PCOS and Insulin Resistance. My family care doc mentioned IR on the last visit. I'm not saying HBC is bad, just maybe I have been on the wrong levels the entire time. I know not everything is the HBC's fault either. I take ownership of the Ben & Jerry's I ate for sure. I'm just frustrated no one (especially the OB/GYN) seemed to listen to or care about my complaints. Maybe things are just now better understood. My endocrinologist specializes in PCOS, Insulin Resistance and Diabetes. Set me straight doc. Please. Let's get this fixed. Its tiring to fight day in and day out.
So this entry turned into a ramble. Oy. Oh well. I needed to get some thoughts out. Time to do some cardio.
Make today an awesome day!
My hormones have been wreaking havoc on me. I've been somewhat unstable in mood and temperament. I'm not at all comfortable with how wildly I swing from calm to angry and irrational. I am breaking out all over with acne worse than when I was in puberty! My scalp and face are just an oil pit. I'm getting hair on the side of my face like a thin beard! *CRY* I'd venture to say some testosterone or androgen levels are whacked. Or my estrogen is too low. At any rate, the mildest stress sends me over the edge and its been exhausting. I seriously feel like I have no control. I've cried more times today than I can remember. So yeah, April cannot get here fast enough. Aunt Flo isn't due for almost a week yet so let's see how we do. I am expecting the migraines to appear about then and last for 2 weeks like last time. Fantastic. Anyway....
I thankfully had off of work today. I was able to freak out and regroup a bit. I am reading a book called Awakening the Buddha Within. A couple of key thoughts for me:
1- "Don't seek externally for fulfillment; rather turn the searchlight inward... Its a fact: You're not going to find the truth outside yourself."
This applies to SOOO many areas in my life. It really hit me. External fulfillment- that includes using food. Food can be a lot things its not meant to be. Food is nourishment. Its not comfort or fulfillment or a blanket.
2-"We keep looking outside for answers. We look for lovers, friends, parents, authorities, even children to answer needs they can't possibly fulfill...We are so full of fantasies about the past and future."
This goes along with the first one. The answer lies inside. Instead of focusing on what other people or programs can do or what they might do, what answers they have, its time to turn inward and see the truth inside me. No more dreaming of past and future. Its time to be present. I am choosing the present moment. Its going to take work and mindfulness, but I know that being aware of NOW is healthier than worrying about tomorrow and pining for the past.
3- "Awaken from the dreams of delusion, confusion and suffering; awake to all that you are and all that can be. Awake to reality, to truth, to things just as they are."
Awake to all that I am and can be. So often I get muddied in what I am not or what I can't be. I let my head swim in the murky, dark waters of anxiety, depression, and low-self esteem. I get caught in the current of expectations, demands and seemingly unending stress. No more.
While this book is about the spiritual quest for enlightenment, its so much more. This book isn't about worshiping the Buddha, its not about sitting under a tree and meditating for hours a day until I am magically enlightened. This books is about making life more simplified and complete by being aware of each action and thought. Its about mindfulness, compassion, love, understanding and more. Its about waking up from the dream and seeing reality. While the book is spiritual by nature, its has already a profound effect on things my physical world. After all, the spiritual world really isn't separate from the physical, emotional and psychological worlds either.
So what am I up to? :P Well the migraines are still here and I swear there is another woman inside my body and she is a B! I can go from happy and sweet to full-on B#tch in 3 seconds flat. *UGH*! I also can't seem to win the fight against the easter candy. Seriously? Cadbury is my favorite with those damn mini eggs and cadbury eggs. I always feel like crap afterwards but the chocolatey orgasm in my mouth is worth is. :P Until it shows up on my stomach, hips and ever-growing @zz. Why can't I be addicted to like carrots or sex or something? LOL
My Kaiser Kat (aka, Bun, Bubby, Bubs) is a FLUTD/FUS cat. He gets urinary tract issues about once every year and a half. Its my fault for changing up his food. His old food came back into the store I go to and it was cheaper so I went that route. WELL.... yeah, he started having issues- excessive licking, crying in the litter box and peeing wherever. Well, sort of peeing. He was partially blocked. My poor bubs. :( I got him into the vets before it got too bad. It can be fatal in male cats and their condition deteriorates rapidly. He is doing well now. He's been purring on my lap all evening and now he is playing with his new toy mouse he got at the vet's. Awww. :) I wuv my kitty. I'm glad he's okay. I knew he was ready to go to the vet when he climbed in the carrier himself this morning. He's such a good boy.
I am struggling to get a grip. I know what I need to do, but its just keeping me where I am at. I am not making progress. I know that eating clean and working out hard are important and that I will still be better off doing those things until I get some answers metabolically/endocrinologically speaking. Its tough to not just give up and be a blob. I hate being all chunky-monkey like. Its not me. The headaches aren't me. The nose bleeds aren't me. The ravaged hungry beast is not me. The PMSing B isn't me. So who am I? I'm not quite sure at the moment. Lots of thoughts and changes occurring. I still haven't got the right words, but when I do I'll share for sure.
Thanks for reading my blog and encouraging me. I SOOOO appreciate you friends!!
((HUGS))
“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” - Bruce Lee
Be water.... I like that.
Thanks to Kelly O for linking to THIS article. :D I actually saw the link on facebook and came here and saw the post as well.
Lots going on in my mind and in my world. I haven't really got the right words to write, so for now, I will continue to think and observe.
This week has been crazy! I haven't had much computer time. I've been dealing with more migraines. *boo* (Lori- any more no-migraine dances? haha) I've not been 100%. I had some really dumb moments. I brought the base and blade to work for my magic bullet and forgot the top! *duh* Then I remembered the top and forgot the base. Seriously? My head has not been with it. It seems like my nose bleed correlate with the hormone swings and headaches. I haven't been 100% on eating- but that is mostly missed meals, not bad food. I had a few tastes but I counted them in the 10% I am allowed. SO... that being said... I know I am PMSing and retaining water like a camel. I've been SO moody today. Its been horrible. I can see myself being irrational and weird. The poor hubby. He's just trying to make me happy. I hate this. I don't feel like myself at all. I am feeling huge and my jeans that used to be baggy are tight. *cry* I am working out everyday. My muscles are stronger and harder. I can feel it. I just can't get this damn fat off! I want chocolate and peanut butter and macaroni & cheese and baked potato soup.... I'm swinging all over in the cravings department. My head is throbbing again. :( Gah! April 1st can't come soon enough. I might weigh an extra 30lbs by then. *ugh* I've been diligent in taking my multi-vitamins, calcium, Vitamin D, EFA's and Magnesium. The timing is right for each of them. For the love of all things, I hope this doctor can help me. I'll take meds. I give up. I'll take medication if I have to. I just can't live like this. I feel like a monster.
Sorry this is so crappy of an entry. I'll swing in a happy mood eventually. I just had to get this out of my head. I'm not quitting. I'm still going to exercise and eat clean. I can only imagine my state of being without it.
Gotta Keep On Keepin' On.
So far Monday is going well. :D
I dug out my workouts from Tony when I first began with him. I am going to try and follow those for awhile. I got awesome results the first time so... let's roll with it. My eating plan is still PN, but really, Tony's meal program was really close to it.
This morning's workout kicked ass! My legs are already shaky, so this will be a fun week. :P I did more squats with more weight than ever. I'm starting to think maybe some of this weight actually is muscle. There is definitely some fat, but my legs are getting stronger all the time. Today I really pushed hard. I have 1.5 liters of water in so far and Meal 1 is down. :)
Plan for the day:
Workout- Tony Style- CRIT, Glutamine & BCAA
M1- Protein Crepes, Greens Plus, Round of Supps, Vitamins & Minerals
M2- Protein Apple Cobbler Bar (SO delish! Thanks PN!), Celery
M3- Super Shake (protein powder, Greens Plus, strawberries, green tea)
M4- Chicken, Broccoli, Orange
M5- Carrots, Celery & Hummus
M6- Coconut Chicken
Workout- 30 min cardio on bike
First workout and M1 done. M2 is a definite. After that I need to focus on what eating healthy really does for me. I'm still battling the starvation mindset. I have to get it in my head that I MUST eat more often and fight my way through it. They can only yell at me so much at work. Eating healthy foods throughout the day keeps me from freaking out at the end of the night. I start losing it around 4-5pm if I haven't had good foods in 4 hours. I'll wait until I get home at 8 or 9pm and just want to eat any carb I see. I almost ate dry, uncooked oatmeal one time because I felt so starved! *embarrassing* I didn't do it, but still. I should NEVER allow myself to get that way.
Off I must go... working is required.
I am praying for NO migraines....
So I last week I was at the same weight I was last May. Its completely heart wrenching. I can't say its all my hormones' fault. I have certainly given in to eating junk. In the last month I gained 10lbs. I am frustrated. I have been working out everyday still, but the eating has just fallen. Work is still insane and eating every 2-3 hours seems as easy as climbing Mt. Everest. Its a stupid obstacle I have yet to overcome. I am bringing the Magic Bullet to work tomorrow. Hopefully that will help. The biggest thing is getting a few moments to sneak back and eat.
I am back to having daily migraines. I'm really upset about this. The Magnesium isn't really helping yet and I can't take any birth control/hormones until after my blood work in April. I am praying I will make it. My work is less than understanding and I have high quotas to meet. I need to get this straightened out as soon as possible. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and sometimes it just gets to me where I can't function. I had a break earlier today where I the headache seemed to disappear. Its coming back and I can feel its going to go south. I need to get to bed soon. I am supposed to have an interview tomorrow for a promotion. I am doubtful I will get the position. I think they already have their decision made. I figure its worth a shot though. At worst its an opportunity to practice my interviewing skills. Who knows, another position may open up somewhere else. I hope this headache is gone. I can't focus well when my head is like this.
Nosebleeds- I found out these can come from hormonal imbalances, too. Great. It seems like my body is just whacked. I *HAVE* to get 100% compliant with my program. No more deviation. I have to get myself healthy on the inside- and FAST!
I am so frustrated that I have gone backwards. I am determined to lose some of this weight this week. I had to put my fat pants back on. :( I want my smaller pants back! My goal is to lose 10+ lbs this month. I think its doable. I just need to stick to my plan and work hard. If I can't drop the weight eating healthy and clean and working out hard, then I don't know where to go from here.
No more playing around. Its game time!
Make your own Countdown Clocks
