Having a moment

So I am having one of those moments. Its one where I am sitting here wondering what I am really thinking. Do I REALLY want to do this competition thing? Seriously? I look like a damn elephant stumbling around on slippery floors in these shoes. I'm good for a few steps and I get all confident and then its like ice skates. :( poo! My foot hurts a lot- its the one I was supposed to have surgery on next month. :( I need to lose more weight before I put myself down for 8 weeks.

I know everyone has moments in this process. I keep thinking there isn't a way for me to make my original comp date so why push so hard? Why? Because I HATE being this damn fat. Its now gotten to the point where I am getting pissy. Just get off my body, damnit! It didn't take me long to put on the 60+ pounds after we got married. In fact, 6 months after we got married the DH lost his job. I was stressed and financially burdened. Food was my only solace. My DH was going through a range of emotions and his business didn't take off too well. I felt so alone and angry. Cheap boxed, chemically laden, high sugar, high sodium, high fat food was what we could afford. When I needed extra support, there was always something easy to munch on. The weight started 6 months after we got married and 6 months after that I was huge. I would add 10lbs and then drop it and then add it again.

I feel so inept. I am so insecure and I hate it. I am watching old classic films. The way the people danced... *sigh* I feel like I will never be light enough or FREE enough to do that. I am so doubtful of my physical abilities. I feel like my feet are rooted somehow to the ground. Any attempt to dance or jump seems like major effort. :( I love ice skating and haven't gone since I weighed 126 lbs in college. I was thinking of starting with that. Maybe skating and feeling less weighed down would help break this mind trap. I want to dance. I want to move without restrictions. This fat suit needs to go!

I am worried about the team meeting. I am so hung up on looking like a big clutz. The group workout thing is making me anxious. I need to wear blinders so I can't see how behind I am. I'd like to be inspired, but mostly I end up feeling bad that I let myself get this way in the first place.

One thing I can say is that in 2008 I realized a lot of things. I became aware of many habits and thought processes. I am still working on redirecting and overcoming, but at least I am aware now. 2009 will be successful. No matter what happens, I am going lose the fat suit, dance and smile a lot more.

Shoes!

I ordered my shoes. I hope they arrive by Wednesday so I can start practicing... its going to take a lot of work to not kill myself in these things. lol

I am nervous about the team meeting in January. I hate being so darn self-conscious. I feel socially awkward, too. I just have to remember we are there to learn and support each other, not compare and criticize. So what if everyone thinks I am the fat chic who has no business being there? SO what? What happens if that's true? Does that mean I am any less capable? NO.

So... when I get my shoes I am gonna practicing walking in them like I BELONG in them. Because I do.

And He Said....

" Stop worrying about the scale and eat more chicken."


*sigh*

Sometimes my hubby IS right. lol

Scale, I hate thee... Sleep, I miss thee

I have heard and read so many good things about low carb/ carb cycling / Anabolic diet, etc. My trainer has me on some variation of these, though I won't get into specifics on it. I am just a gumpy bear. :( I know lower carb is better for me as a general rule. Too many carbs and I feel like a slug. Even just a correct portion size of complex carbs can do it to me. Anyway.... so I am following my diet without any cheats or variations. I am also following my workout schedule exactly. The only thing that is off is my sleep schedule. The DH has been sleeping in the bed instead of staying up all night working and chatting. That is messing me up. While I love him, I can't sleep with him hanging on me. Then he wakes me up at some stupid hour because he's feeling in the mood. Seriously. A man is gonna get hurt.

I felt great the first couple of days - but I was getting sleep. The last few have sucked! I am just irritated. I see the scale is up from a few days ago and I just want to chuck it across the room. I'm not working this hard for nothing, dangit! Scale, work with me here! Body, you can cooperate too. The mind is getting irritable. Someone could get hurt. :P

I'm just feeling all pissy-like this morning. Hubby woke me up way before my alarm and I don't think I can get back to sleep. I have too much to do today. Thanks a lot for keeping me awake the last few nights and then waking me up way too early on my day off. Thanks. And thanks scale for being a jerk, too. The scale has to be a male!

I hope to be back with a better attitude later.

If she can do it, so can I!

Tiffany Forni started at 235 lbs. She won her first figure show. Now she does fitness modeling on the side.

BEFORE



AFTER



Its been a struggle for me at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm too fat to try. Seeing someone like Tiffany helps a ton! She started at a higher weight than me. And now she looks fab! I lost 30 lbs this year. Not as much as I hoped for, but not too shabby either! I am looking to complete my fat loss journey in 2009- preferably in the beginning. Sure there will be tweaking, etc. but no major losses once the bulk comes off. :)

I have done well this week. It hasn't been easy. I do hope it gets a little easier with the carb cravings. And being a little less edgy would be good. I think its just the initial carb withdrawl. Afterall, I lived on almost carbs alone for quite a few years. Well, carbs and fat. I can look back and see how I basically helped reduce my muscle to minimal levels. Its frightening when I think about it. I'm so glad I am on the right track now.

Feeling better

So, I feel better this morning.

Last night was funny. My veins were all popped out! You could actually see veins that I didn't even know were there! lol I thought FOR SURE I was going to weigh a ton this morning. I still feel fluffy, but the scale stayed the same! I am off to do some cardio and legs. I am going to use the carbs to my advantage. :)

I miss my oatmeal! I'll survive. I get it on Mondays and Thursdays. So its not completely gone.


Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. It was rough for me, but I'm moving forward. I promised DH that next year would be awesome. I'll be able to wear my sexy santa suit-complete with the fur trimmed boots! ;)

Had some carbs. Feel a little better.

I was going to delete my last post, but I want to be honest. I experience the ups and downs. I prefer to be positive, but I needed to get my feelings out. Maybe someone else can relate...

Anyway... I just didn't want the negative hanging around on the blog list...

:(

Today was a difficult day in so many ways. Food was actually not the monumental struggle it could have been. I think so many other things were weighing heavily on me that food wasn't that important to my senses.

I always get a little sad this time of year. No particular incident or memory, I just always have. As a teen I remember being sad a lot this time of year. I miss the innocence of Christmas. Working retail has ruined a lot for me. I get to see the ugliness of people.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection today. I feel like I have failed at life. I am not as strong as I once thought I was. I allowed myself to feel destroyed. My weight spiraled out of control, my jobs have taken a negative turn, and I just feel like the passion has left me. :(

I work a job that I hate- not because the tasks are hard (it is actually boring now). Its that my tasks require me to do something I can no longer be comfortable doing. I was never really comfortable, but survival kicked in. I am tired of hard selling people. I hate it. Its not right. I hate the constant nagging to tell customers they need something, they have to have x,y,z, its free for 30 days, etc. Its not cool. I am not considered valuable by my company because I don't feel I should be selling this way. I want people to get what they truly need. Sometimes that is the whole package. Sometimes, its not.

I feel like I may never be at peace unless I have my own business. In this economy, I haven't a clue what to do. I don't think I can sell enough calendars to make it. I just want to be me. How can I get to that point? I feel frightened by the world sometimes. Its not filled with nice people. I think I might be too nice and naive. Why is it such a bad thing to expect honesty and ethics? Morals? Are you out there?

I feel so burdened. I want to break free. I want to have time for me. I am trying to redo my health. I am trying to undo damage and sculpt an even better shape out in the process. I want to feel safe and at peace again. I want some time for mental clarity.

I want to help others in any way that is best. I want to laugh and love and smile... I want people to feel comfortable talking with me and I want people to feel better having interacted with me.


I know there is much to be grateful for. It just frustrates me that I should be grateful for a job that treats me (and many others) so poorly just because so many other people are losing their jobs.

I am praying for a better opportunity to come along. I need some steady income and a steady schedule would be great. One that allows for some time off for competitions! I am a great person. I can be good at anything once I learn. I just need to pull out my resume and give myself a pep talk...

I am not giving up. Today was just so overwhelming. I felt so alone. I am trying to keep my head up. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully after a night of sleep I will have some clarity about what to do next.

“Nothing external to you has any power over you.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


I love this quote. I really need to take it to heart. I struggle with being a victim when I don't need to. Nothing and NO ONE has power over me. Mean people suck, but that doesn't mean I should eat. If I do, I gave them power. The awesome smelling baked goods can be a pleasure to my nose, but not to my tongue. If I eat them, I give them power. Am I not more powerful than a cookie???? Of course I am. I am stronger than that. So far so good today. I am at the end of Day 3 for basically no carbs but veggies. I have to make it through to tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I get the motherload of carbs. lol I might freak out into euphoria. lol Its a good thing I am getting it Thursday night. I have to work Friday and I might hurt someone otherwise. :P

I want to cave and eat sugar, but I know its not the way to get things done. I don't have much time. I am basically 14 weeks out. I am praying for a miracle. I am just going to do my best. Nothing less is acceptable. Its going to be great to look back 14 weeks from now and go- WOW. I really busted my butt! Look how awesome I am. ;)

Okay, off to make some approved meals.

Gray Day

Today was a rough day for me. I just felt sad all day for no apparent reason. I am TOTALLY stressed about my job. The bigwigs are at it again. I am all for challenges, but when you start making the hurdles bigger and bigger and then throw a skyscraper on the track and say "hurdle this", its doesn't work. I feel like we are all just standing at the base of the tower, looking up, scratching our heads and asking how we are gonna manage that? *sigh* Dark, gloomy skies aren't the best for me either. Stress, gray skies, and being tired. I ate clean!! I didn't fail at eating and that makes me happy. I wanted to accomplish more around the house today. Its a disaster. I slept a lot again. I think I just need it. I suppose the sudden reduction in carbs probably has an effect as well. I actually like it better this way, but its an adjustment. I think I need to either go tanning or get one of those SAD lights. Low carbs, work stress and gray skies = trouble. I need to get ahead of the game now.


I have been looking at shoes all day. I can't decide what size heel. 4" sounds a little more doable. I was thinking for my first show, maybe start with that. 5" heels would make me 6'! Whoa! :) Strap or no strap? Little platform or none at all? I am nervous about this because my dang feet hurt in flat shoes as it is. I will eventually have to give in and have surgery on my feet. I was supposed to do it this January, but I would rather get into awesome shape first and compete.

Here are my shoe choices so far...






I'm leaning no strap, but I'm afraid I might need it! lol

Is Someone getting the Best of You?

I had this in my mp3 rotation this morning while I worked out. Really got me thinking...



"Best Of You"

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...



I can't imbed the video because the Foo Fighters apparently don't want anyone to do that. :(

Here's the link instead... Best of You

Goals

So its time to think about 2009. I have a ton of things I want to accomplish and sadly some of these items have been on my list in years past. Some things are more like rituals (like our classic movie date night). Others are the forever goals of losing weight and learning to dance. This is the last time these will appear on my goal list. If I don't make it happen this year, then tough luck. I will certainly add a little more before the year is up, but here is my list for now.

2009 Goals

1. Get into the best health of my life- reduce BF, increase bone density, etc
2. Drop 50lbs – reduce body fat into teens.
3. Compete in a figure/bikini competition (and win)
4. Learn to dance- ballroom and latin
5. Go Ice Skating in Central Park
6. Pose and create Pin-Up calendar for hubby ( really important to me)
7. Watch one classic film a month (date night)
8. Take pictures and put together 2010 calendar
9. Enter 1 photo in the Medina County Fair
10. Put scrapbook together for grandma
11. Do Scorpion pose (yoga)
12. Develop business idea (be my own boss!)
13. Re-landscape yard
14. Go camping and hiking 3x this year
15. Go on Vacation – somewhere warm and awesome! (Aruba?)


Dance inspiration:

Losing sight

I think I figured out what happened this week. I lost sight of my goals. As it became clear that I wouldn't make it to the Team meeting this weekend, my determination faded. I was definitely exhausted, but it was so much harder to resist the breadsticks and yummy treats everyone had and to push HARD in my workouts.
I took my eye off my other goals. It was a mini goal of mine to lose some weight before our meeting. When that goal became null, I fell apart. I forgot about my Christmas Goal, My New Year's goal, the following meeting and my birthday...April is so far away and now it seems impossible. :( I am not going to let that get stuck in my head, but I am trying to stay realistic.

I am heading to the Rec Center later and doing my first workout of my new plan from Julie. I know I will feel more accomplished.

I have got to stay focused!

I want one of these:



She looks fab!

I got my new workouts. Whoa! Sweet Jumping Cheese! I am going to be a Plyo Queen. :P I am nervous about it. I have to be careful with my joints. I mean I am envisioning my elephant self trying to do some of these exercises... so not pretty. Grace has never been a strong suit for me. I am excited though. The new plan is pretty hardcore. I am just going to have to get my butt to the Rec Center I think. I wish I had more equipment at home. I just like being in my own little world when I workout. Oh well. That is obviously going to have to change. I made more progress on days I went to the gym. Back to the gym it is then.

No more authorized (or unauthorized!!) cheats. :( boo. I need some eggnog! I always have a glass (or 3) on Christmas. I just need to change my attitude. Back to work with me. Clean eats and hard workouts. I don't think I got enough food in this week. And some of the food wasn't good for me. I was exhausted all week and my workouts suffered. I just didn't have the ooomph.

I'm totally bummed about not being at the first team meeting. It gives me more incentive to kick it at work and in my workouts so when I do get to meet my teammies.... :)

I need to get my sleep schedule re-regulated. I keep waking up at 3am and again at 6. I am always so tired during the day. I don't know what happened. Monday I was super woman and since then I am drained.

Back for a nap and then I head off to the slave drivers. I'd rather being getting my booty kicked by Julie.... lol

3am

What am I doing up at 3am ?????

I went to bed at 9:00pm last night. I was so exhausted. I am still tired. I had to pee, drink some water and check the weather. A lot can change in 2 hours, but so far it looks like a trip to the rec center will happen. I need to get a good cardio interval session in. I am feeling SO huge. My clothes are looser but my belly is swollen still and the scale is up.

Back to bed!

Oh boy, its gonna be a rough one...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I can barely keep my eyes open. If I didn't have a plan, I'd pull one of my old stunts- go back to sleep as long as possible, shower up, and hit Starbucks for some caffeine and sugar. Then, follow that with sugar all day and crash again at home. Works well. NOT.

I think closing almost everyday and sleep in worked in my favor. I didn't seem to be tired. Its when I have to get up earlier because the early shift... That's what happens when I close for almost an entire month and then open suddenly. Oi!

My bed is sounding sooooooo good right now. I can't do my workout this morning and now I'm seeing all these winter storm warnings. Guess I'll be doing my workout at home tonight.

I am off to nap. I can't even type right. I keep mixing up letters and backspacing to correct.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Randomness?

I am SO tired today. Its worse than yesterday. I worked extra long and now I am beat. I did cardio this morning- it was an off day for weights. I need to my big set tomorrow and I don't think I can hack the morning. I feel run down. Work is getting to me. I can't deny it. I have stayed clean though. I can't wait until my crazy mean boss leaves. She is gone for January- yay! She really is so mean and selfish. It feels like middle school with her around. My coworkers say she is jealous of me and it has gotten worse since I lost weight. She is tiny so I don't get what she is jealous about... whatever. When she is mean to me, it makes me want to push the iron harder and run faster. Why not give her something to REALLY be jealous of?? I'm a whole lot nicer and caring. Its time to complete the package with a HOT body. :P

I made another calendar this year with my photos. It turned out really well and I am excited to give them out as gifts. :) I wish I could sell my calendars and make some extra money. I just don't have the money to print a ton up front and take a risk of people not buying them. Right now I'd have to charge like $24 a calendar to cover printing and shipping. :( If I printed a lot the price would go down to $18-ish. I don't know. It would be great if I could make money with my photography, but I don't do people. lol I just follow bugs around and take pics of flowers. :)

I am still up in the air on Saturday. I want to go so badly, but numbers are so rough right now. People just aren't buying so much right now. I don't know what to do. My mean boss is saying to take the day off, but she wants me to get written up, so she is no help. I tried to figure out if I left right away from the meeting and went directly to work how much selling time I would have. I'll be SO tired. I have to leave my house no later than 4am and then drive back and then work for 4 hours if I do that. I don't think that makes sense. 8+ hours of driving, a kick-azz workout and then actually work too? Sounds like trouble honestly. I won't have another day off until Christmas. Ugh.

I made some AWESOME Chicken Tortilla Soup. I revamped a vegetarian version I came up with a few years ago. Its loaded with protein and fiber. Yummmmmm. I'll have to post the recipe. I have been eating it for a few days. Tonight I made Turkey Chili. I had to back off chicken and broccoli. It was starting to make me gag. I think by Sunday I will be back to C&B lol.

Okay, I am feeling loopy. Off to bed soon

I think I can, I think I can - choo choo!

Yesterday I had the non-stop energy of Super Woman. I got so much accomplished. This morning I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. *ugh*

No worries. I stalled a little, but I got my booty on the bike and pedaled away. Good thing I had my tunes. :)

I was feeling a bit down after I freaked out this weekend. I was so overwhelmed and angry. I got the fight back in me and I am doing well so far. Workouts are in and meals thus far are 100%. Can't complain there. :) The tough part is what happens the rest of the week. I seem to lose some steam or get sideswiped somehow. I'm NOT letting that happen this week. I want a 100% week. No half-arsed workouts, no cheats (even though I am allowed 1 meal). I need to make it 100% clean. I can't let myself slide. I've taken enough cheats to make up for this week and then some! So this is my 100% week. And there will be many more to follow. I've already told my managers that my goals are non-negotiable. I am trying to make it clear how important this is. One is on board. The other is in his own world as usual. Oh well. I am standing my ground. I think the key is to make sure I workout in the morning, then there are no excuses for missing workouts. The next biggest hurdle is getting my meals in! Its soo challenging. Having prepared meals makes it better, but dodging the boss's micro-managing eye is tough.

On a very positive note- my workout pants from early this year are falling off!! :D I hope I have some gift cards coming my way this year. LOL I need some new work clothes. I can manage with some baggy workout clothes but I am starting to look dumb at work. I'll take it though! I keep telling my body to BURN BABY BURN! :P

Okay, gotta go eat M1!

A new week...

So...
Its a new week on Monday. I have had a roller coaster weekend. My emotions landed in the dumpster a few times the last few days. I am feeling pretty insecure about my job right now and it weighs heavily on me. I have made some poor food decisions and while I am irritated that I allowed myself to eat poorly, I am moving forward. I have to make the disconnect again. Food = Fuel. Nothing more. I hate that my boss treats us all so terrible. I can't change him. I can only do what I know is right. I am hoping to make some major progress this week in activations so maybe I can get my booty down to KY. I need some inspiration and butt kickin'! We'll see what happens.

I am hitting things hard this week. I have really lost a lot of ground and its so disappointing. I feel like I am fighting my body, my old habits, the world around me. *whew* Its exhausting. I don't want to fight, I want to push and make progress. Stress and starvation are my bodies old companions. My body is SO conditioned for this environment. I could survive in a famine without a problem. I've got a ton of reserves. lol I really need to manage my stress better. I really do. I miss going to yoga. THAT was great for me. Getting time outside of work when classes are held is near impossible it seems. I can workout at home, but I really enjoy the yoga studio environment and the guidance and instruction. Maybe I can figure out how to get one class in each week...

Gotta run now.

Fire?

My fire is gone right now. My fire for just life. The desire to go on like this day to day is gone. Oh it will return. Right now... I need to get my head in a better space pronto. I just don't care right now. I am feeling beaten. I feel so much like a dog tied to a really, really long chain. I thought I was free and I was running towards my goal. I had to do a few jumps already, but I was on my way. I was running fast and I was going to make it... until the chain jerked me back down. I am lying here stunned right now. I keep telling myself that things don't have to be only one way. There are other ways to do other things. I am just so disappointed. My stress levels are still through the roof. Job/financial instability is freaking me out. I do the best I can and it doesn't matter. I have always been good at what I do, but... the bar keeps getting raised so much higher. I feel like I'm drowning. No one cares if I stay or go. I'm of no real value. I keep looking elsewhere for jobs and there aren't any. :( The economy stinks around here especially and if I leave I lose benefits to end up working 2 jobs with none.

Where is my fire? I need it back to survive.

Seriously Bad Day

I don't want this to be a whine session. I can only say that while I desperately need my job, I hate it. I really do. I don't know what I am going to do, but I absolutely MUST find something new. I am on the verge on freaking out. I don't know now if I can do the Team. They have made our quota so ridiculously high that it is impossible to achieve. I have to hit a minimum of 70% to essentially keep my job. Last year less than 20% of the district hit the minimum. :( Our first team meeting is the last Saturday before Christmas and one of the last days to hit some big numbers. I'm just so sick. WHY does it seem like every obstacle possible is thrown in my path?????

I need to sleep on this and call Julie in the morning. I'm uber stressed. I failed miserably today. I got my workout in and 3 liters of water. Breakfast was on target. The rest... *sigh* I don't even know why. I didn't eat much, just nothing good either. Poo.

I am hoping and praying for some revelation in my dreams tonight. Tomorrow has to be good.

This is just getting tiresome

I'm doing my best to eat clean and stay focused, but this stomach pain and headache that randomly appears and disappears is getting old. I've tried to consider what the cause is. I am seriously drinking my gallon of water a day and I love it. My coworkers think I am crazy but I am done with what they think of me. Could it be my protein powder- maybe the Splenda in it? That would make me SO sad. Could it be my supplements? I didn't think so. This is reminiscent of my ulcer pain from September. VERY familiar. The only common things are stress and my protein powders. The pain started back up after I had a nasty stomach flu.... is it possible that it started a new ulcer?? I am frustrated. I am taking Prilosec today to see if my stomach calms down any. No supplements for me today. If this works, then I'm going with the stomach flu virus theory and I'll go from there. If after a round of meds this clears up and comes back again, then I might be forced to try some other protein powders. *ick* I only use it once to twice a day. I try to go for whole foods more often.

Yesterday, my food was making me nauseated. I managed protein pancakes 2x without too much pain, but I ended up not eating much the whole day. I tried to get my food in, but it was a lost cause. :( My belly looks all bloated and it hurts. :( Its just like the ulcer episode. Grrrrr.

I have the plan of action for now... I'll just have to deal with it.

Mixed Day

Its been a very mixed day for me.
For some reason I have had the WORST headache that I have had in a long, long time. My stomach hasn't been good either. I think the pain from the headache has gotten to me. I am frustrated that I am not feeling well. I've been craving weird stuff I don't even really like. Weird day.

I have the hubby's "blessing" so to speak. He has finally given me the full 100% support. He understands what I want to do and why. It makes me so happy. I'm sure it will still be a balancing act, but it is good to know he is truly on my side.

I am going to go rest again. I just feel so... off.

*Protein Pancakes*

Revised Edition...

(This has not yet been approved by my trainer, but the macros are good regardless. I just need to find out if the dairy is okay! :P )

Protein Pancakes


Ingredients:

1 Cup Oatmeal (not instant)
½ tsp Cinnamon
1 Scoop Protein Powder (Beverly International Vanilla UMP is the best!)
¾ C Egg whites (equivalent to 3)
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
¾ C 1% Milkfat Cottage Cheese
¼ C Skim Milk
¼ C Water


1. Use a food processor (or blender) to grind up oatmeal to a powder/ flour.

2. Place ground oatmeal, cinnamon and protein powder in a medium bowl.

3. Add egg whites and vanilla extract to blender/processor and blend for 20-30 seconds. Add egg white mixture to bowl.

4. Combine cottage cheese, skim milk and water in blender/processor- mix for 30-45 seconds. Then add mixture to bowl.

5. Stir all ingredients together until mixture is smooth.

6. Add by 1/3 C onto pan over medium-high heat.


Makes 6 large pancakes.

Nutrition Breakdown: (per pancake!)

Calories: 91.6
Carbohydrate: 7.3g
Protein: 11.5g
Fat: 1.5g
Fiber: <1

A 3 pancake serving gives you 275 calories, 34.5g of protein, 4.5g of fat, and 21.9g of carbs. Nice way to get your protein in. :)

Ahhh Patience

I never have claimed (nor will I ever claim- most likely) that patience is one of my strong points. I can never accomplish what I want fast enough. I want bigger muscles now. Lots less fat now. Better cardio conditioning now. Oh and most of all- I want the stomach flu gone- NOW! Its best not to RUSH right back into regular food- so I am finding. I guess it wasn't as gone as I thought. :( I thought I would "ease" back into my meals by doing oatmeal and protein powder for breakfast. Eggwhites just didn't sound too cool this morning but I wanted to get some protein in me. Errr.... yeah didn't stay long, just sayin'.... :(

I keep attracting things into my life to deter my progress. Something is going on subconsciously and I need to fight it. Back in September it was abdominal distress that turned out to be an ulcer followed up with food poisoning- really? Seriously. Can a girl get a break? Not so much. Following that there was a blowout with a team on tracker that left me stunned, sad and unmotivated. After the cracker-fest with the intestinal issues I was a carb fiend again. Add some money issues and other stresses and wah-lah back to being chunky monkey. Fast forward and I end up at a comp in KY and my motivation is kick started like no other! I am excited and ready to tackle the world. So... here comes the world to hit me in the face repeatedly to see if it can knock me down. First week with my new trainer- some hellacious sinus infection and bronchial spasms. I make it through that mostly. Week two- My bosses throw some serious monkey wrenches into my schedule and I freak out about going to workout in public. Week 3 of my new program I am *ON FIRE*. THEN... stomach flu. REALLY??? Come on now. This is ridiculous. Its almost as if my body wants to stay fat. Its gotten comfy. My mind, however, is done with this nonsense. I am still feeling a little woozy and my stomach has decided to let me know that its not having any of this first meal. *damn* I want to work out. I want to eat on plan. I was making great progress this week. I was seeing results and I am not going to undo them.

I need some positive saying or something to create a safe environment for my body. I have to convince myself that it is okay to lose the fat and be strong. I can't believe I have had so many issues in this short amount of time. NOT COOL at all. I guess this is part of life and the process. I have to be patient and loving with my body. I have hated it for much of the last 8 years. So... I am off to think of some nice things. My body must heal up and get ready for the major changes. Its gonna happen. I'm going to make a major transformation.

Boo Stomach Flu!

:(

I don't think I really need to say more. :(

I am psychic! (and awesome)

I see a massage in my future....

Yep. I am psychic. I am in serious NEED of a massage.

I am awesome because.... I went to the rec center where it was extremely busy and I stayed. Not only did I stay, but I worked out and I worked out HARDCORE! I know that I must have some kind of social anxiety and nothing is harder for me than going to unfamiliar places and doing unfamiliar things. Luckily I am a fast learner and a great observer so I didn't look too dumb using some of the equipment. :P I seem to have some sort of performance anxiety as or something too. Like I should just know how to use everything despite never using certain ones before. Oy. I am working on it. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill- intervals oh yeah. Then I went to the rowing machines. I did 10 minutes- what a great workout and observed and mapped out my plan of attack for my scheduled exercises. I got to use the assisted pull up machine!! I have been wanting to use that for some time now. Yay! And boy did I learn I'm weak! Its okay though. I am pulling up at least 60lbs. One day it will be 100 and then it will be all of me!

Its been a great day. I worked out hard, got some things done around the house and I ate clean all day. :)

Oh, I got my supplements today. I took my GH Factor this morning. I've been taking my Lean Out before meals and Ultra 40 at meal time. I drank my Glutamine/Uplift combo while I lifted and I am praying they help with the DOMS. My poor butt and legs are still super sore. I may take a bath tonight. My hip flexors are unhappy. I tried to stretch them today but they are still tight. boo.

Looking forward to hitting it hard tomorrow. :D Now if I can get the DH on board with me...

It doesn't seem like this is a popular color lately for the stage, but I just *heart* this color so much...

Not exactly fitness related, but...

I had some dreams last night that left me thinking this morning. Here are just some key things I remember.

The number 3 over and over as well as the number 8 multiple times. I also remember a couple telling me about listening to a podcast of the Dalai Lama. I also remember the colors green and pur There are a lot of other things I can't remember right now but I know will come back to me. For now, here is what I have come across just browsing the web this morning and through Dream Moods:

Three

Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, and self-exploration. Three stands for trilogy as in the past, present, and future or father, mother, and child, etc.


Eight

Eight stands for power of authority, success, karma, material gains, regeneration, and wealth. When the number eight appears in your dream, trust your instincts and intuition.

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." --Dalai Lama

Green

Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.

Purple

Purple is indicative of devotion, healing abilities, loving, kindness, and compassion. It is also the color of royalty, high rank, and dignity.


Hmmmm... what does all this mean?? I have to think on this for awhile, but it sure seems positive. :D

Not exactly fitness related, but...

My biggest challenge...

First I want to say I killed my leg workout! I have a feeling tomorrow my legs will be killing me! lol I have full on Gumby-legs. lol

My biggest challenge- is my job. Everything about it. I have lost any like for it that I may have had. It pays my bills and offers great insurance coverage. My bosses are really idiots. They are self-center, control freaks. The one is just downright mean. She loves to tell me how fat I am. "Don't take this wrong, but you'd make a great Plus Size Model." Ummm how did you expect me to take that? Is that really supposed to be a compliment? Based on all the other hurtful things she has said- no way. That was a hit. She has told me to just stay fat and at another time I don't need to eat because I'm on a diet. *sigh* She is starting more crap today already. She hasn't said anything outright yet, but I can feel the storm brewing.

Aside from her the other boss is a neurotic micro-manager. I can mostly ignore him, but it is still stressful. Today I found out my quota for this month. I SWEAR this company is trying to fire people. They have made our quote unattainable. Its completely unrealistic given the economy we are in. They also don't have to pay us as much if we don't make our goals. Happy Holidays, good luck reaching your goals...
*sigh* I am trying to not stress out. I can control my eating and my workouts. I can only do my best. I may just end up stepping down. The stress isn't worth it. I want to go back to school for radiology anyway. Now I just need to figure out how to make everything happen.

Stress=staying fat.... no stress, no stress....

Easiest Chicken & Broccoli Prep ever!

I just wanted to share my little happy food prep tip. The Target by me has frozen foods and dry foods, no fresh produce. I take advantage of the awesome prices that they have and this is what I came up with.

I admit I was opposed to frozen chicken, but this works out SO well. :)

First, get some frozen broccoli.
Second, get some frozen chicken strips.
Third, place broccoli in ziploc container.
Fourth, place frozen chicken strips on top of broccoli.
Fifth, season as you prefer. (I use mexican spices, but anything would work).

I just add some hot water to the ziploc container and then microwave for a few minutes. It cooks both broccoli and chicken perfectly!

Feeling ?

Its not about whether or not I FEEL like doing something, its just about doing what needs to be done. It doesn't matter that I don't feel like eating X and would rather eat Y. Y will not help me achieve my goals, so I will eat X. It doesn't matter that I feel tired and don't feel like working out, staying in bed isn't getting me my winning figure body. I am all about feelings in my little world and its time to break this habit. I want to listen to my body to make sure I am healthy and not injured. That may mean I need to NOT listen to my brain making excuses. This is a huge endeavor for me. A challenge of a lifetime. I am going to do something I have been terrified to do. I am going to be me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In response to my previous entry:

Melissa- I thought I was just a stress eater, but really its just anger that I struggle with. Its so weird. From what I have been reading its pretty common with women because we "stuff" emotions inside a lot... seems to make sense. I would think after the thing with your family the adrenaline and aftermath would make it difficult to want to eat at all.

Tea- you're right. I need use my anger as fuel to keep me going. It doesn't hurt anyone but me, but I guess it must be some sense of control or comfort. Being aware definitely helps for sure though.

Liimu- Good call on the writing. I use to journal a lot more than I do now. I guess I should get back to that!

Sundie- being more acutely aware definitely helps. Its just fighting that overwhelming urge more than anything tho. I am making an effort now to be aware all the time when it comes to food.

Why I don't eat on plan...

Sorry this is so long. A lot opened up to me as I was writing...

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me. I've noticed this trend before, but for some reason it was more clear yesterday.

The first reason I don't eat on plan is basically laziness. I'm too tired and lazy to prepare something healthy. I'd rather just grab something easy. That's the most easily fixed. Just prepare ahead of time. I expect tonight to be really tough. Unless hubby has dinner ready when I walk in the door.... I'm not going to feel like cooking or even grabbing anything. My head will be aiming for a pillow. I have to work 12p-10:30p. If I get more than 10 minutes to inhale some food during that shift it will be amazing. I don't have a microwave at home (and I don't want one). So heating up things in the microwave doesn't work for me. I need to get DH to help me during this month. Its not a huge deal to heat up some broccoli and chicken, but the way work stresses me out and exhausts me... well... I just don't feel like doing anything. I need to have better control of my situation. I need to prepare as much as possible.

The second reason I don't eat on plan is much trickier to tackle. Its completely emotion based. I don't eat for joy or sadness. I eat out of anger. When I am in a rage, I eat (or want to eat) the worst foods I can find. Its like some type of retaliation or something. I first became aware of it when the hubby and I had a lot of problems. I'm still a bit confused as to how this mechanism works, honestly. The only thing I can come up with is that I know he likes me and wants my body and maybe I choose to destroy it and make it ugly by eating? I don't know. It doesn't resonate with me, but it seems to make logical sense I guess. Yesterday I noticed the rage and desire for crappy foods at work. As I was leaving (extremely pissed off) I was making a mental list of all the crap I was going to eat. My worst damage was only a chai tea (which has been a source of sanity and peace during some other rough times). I know to some degree I am seeking solace and comfort, but its disturbing to me that I turn to food when I am angry. Its like I feel powerless to do anything else to help myself or make myself feel at peace, so I eat to do that? I don't get much enjoyment out of the food really, but if I am honest, I do feel better than before I started eating. That is until the repercussions set in. See, when I am angry and eating those bad foods, I am like a child- I say I don't care, I'll do what I want. I KNOW what will happen if I eat x,y,z. No one thinks pizza is healthy. I don't want healthier alternatives to the bad foods I want, I WANT the bad crap. W

What I need to figure out, is how to channel that anger and desire into something healthy like going for a run or Tae Bo or something. The other thing- and probably most important in the long run, is how to deal with things better. Being taken advantage of makes me angry. I know I ultimately let it happen. I just suck at confrontation. I haven't gained the skills to ask for what I deserve.

My bosses know I am a tenderhearted person. They praise my skills working with customers,etc. But they know I am not aggressive and pushy and I won't make waves. I don't like upsetting the balance of things, but if things aren't going to be fair or equal.... it makes me damn angry. My job is based on numbers. Some of my coworkers are greedy and shady. I hate working with people like that. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Because I chose to perform my job as I am supposed to, I lost out big-time. Out of 33 activations yesterday, I got 1. 1. THAT is terrible. My greedy coworkers enjoyed the fruits of essentially stealing from me while I took care of the other customers (which didn't help me in the numbers game). My one boss (female is constantly snarky and mean) purposely helped things go that way. She loves to make things hard on me. What can I do. HR is useless in this situation. I don't want to call people out because in this industry they can make it even worse. It a manager doesn't stand tall and firm and knock this behavior out then nothing will change. My option seems to be sit back and take it or do what I feel is wrong and do what my coworkers do. :( Feeling powerless makes for a bad situation for me.

Powerless = anger = seeking some kind of power? Its almost like a reverse anorexia. I'll binge for control? I don't go and eat bags of crap until I am sick, I just eat whatever will make me feel better at that moment. I can recall moments of shopping for Reese's in a fit of anger. I wonder what started this.... I'll have to think on this. This is definitely pivitol in my weight loss journey.

For now, I need to redirect the energy to something healthier- like exercising (even though that is the last thing I want to do). That will at least keep me from setting myself back too far. I need to figure out more of this anger/eating thing and get some skills to help me cope and stand up for myself. I'm used to being the wallflower.

Edited to add this link: Stop Emotional Eating

Obese you say?

Not me!

My doctor- make that my EX-doctor is a jerk. And his nurse is an idiot. First, he has called me obese 3x. My BMI shows I am certainly overweight but still not in the obese range. I am also not as fat as the nurse told me. She was off by 10%!! I got the results in the mail today and wow. I don't know what she was looking at but its clear as day on the report what my totals for body fat and bone density are. *sigh* So.... I am relieved that things aren't AS bad as I was told. I still have a ton of work to do, but I feel so much more hopeful. I feel like there is hope.

I am struggling pretty badly today. My job and bosses are making things REALLY difficult on me. I don't know what the agenda is, but they like to make sure I can't eat on schedule and now they are making it hard for me to get time off for team meetings. I am closing almost every single day in December. It makes my evening meals really screwed up, but I don't have to get up at 4am to get workouts in now. :) I am frustrated with my situation, but I will keep pressing on.

Pretty figure statue, here I come! :D

Refined Carbs= irritable?

So I woke up the carb monster in me yesterday. I had all sorts of luscious refined carb goodness. I won't say what to spare everyone, but I indulged in my free meal- bigtime. Quantity of food was fine, but quality... well plain turkey is ON plan, but the other T-day fixins were not. :O I found myself irritable shortly after the carb spike ended and I was looking for MORE. I needed more carbs to get my fix. I have been drinking water like a fiend last night and this morning, trying to drown out the call for more simple sugars. I am fiending for more right now! I *want* (almost NEED) something white and refined. lol Hubby has a bagel in the kitchen and I have been fighting it off all morning. *ack* Now I completely realize what will happen if I eat that bagel. I realize where it will lead. MORE of this. Today at work will collapse around me. I'll be eating and picking at all the garbage like everyone else. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I am off to do some EMC and then eat protein pancakes. I'm thinking maybe I can make some extra and use them on the go today. I HAVE to make sure my nutrition is 100% solid today. My carb monster is reactivated and I am back to fighting him back down into remission. I just can't believe how quickly the drop in refined carbs comes. My sugar is SO less stable. I felt it drop and immediately I wanted more. No wonder my family is overweight. *sigh*


Okay I'm off to do some EMC and then get some non-refined carbs and lots of good protein in me. :P

I learn something every day.... I am thankful for that!

Thanksgiving Thought

Thankful for It All

Think today of how good life can be. And you'll see that life's true goodness comes not from what you have, but from how much you value and appreciate it.

There is no end to the possibilities for richness and fulfillment in your life. There is no limit to what you can make of whatever you have.

Consider what you are able to be thankful for, and you'll discover something wonderful and empowering. You can be thankful for it all.

Look back and you'll see that the pleasures and the pains have both pushed you forward and given you countless opportunities for real growth. You've been supported by the good things you do have and inspired to reach for those things you do not yet have.

The triumphs have given you joy and the disappointments have strengthened your determination. All of it has enabled you to more richly fulfill the beautiful, genuine person you are.

Treasure all that is around you, whatever it may be, and open yourself to the positive possibilities. Be truly thankful for it all, and every day is even more rich and fulfilling than the day before.

-- Ralph Marston

I want one!

So, I guess this is motivation for today...





I want one. I want one, because I won it. :D You hear that body? You hear that attitude? We must get it together, because I want that! Ok, GO!

New Attitude, New Look...

Okay. I hate leaving my blog on a negative note. I have had some time to cry and pout and feel desperate and be angry. I can't change anything that happened that got me to this point. I can be proud of what I have accomplished so far and move forward. I can only improve from here. I am going to continue doing my best to make the best choices to lose this fat. I hit bottom officially with that number. It was a sucker-punch that doubled me over. I now can move upward and onward. No more turning back. I can never go back. I can only move closer to my dreams and goals.

I decided it was time for a change on the blog. I liked the other one, but I needed something new. New attitude, new look? :)

I have this printed up and it made its way into my view this evening. Perfect.


Dare to Imagine-- Ralph Marston

"In your min dyou can go anywhere. And where your mind consistently goes, the rest of your life will follow.

There is no limit to what you can imagine. And what you imagine, you have already begun to create.

Allow your thoughts to travel often to beautiful and magnificent places. In your mind, construct all the rich details of the life you wish to live.

In order to reach for a dream, you must know what it looks like, how it feels, and where it is. Long before you actually get there, your mind can enable you to experience all these things.

Every success is first a success of the imagination. What wonderful pathways will you dare to imagine?

Set your imagination free and it will show you who you are. Let imagination guide your efforts and your dreams will be fulfilled."

So there you go. I'm back to imagining myself on stage, ready to win! It just might be some other date...

Just when I thought I was on an upswing....

I am pretty much at the lowest point. I don't know where to go from here. I am ready to give up. How could I POSSIBLY be THIS fat??? And I lost 26lbs this year! The percentage is mind boggling. I think its safe to say I won't be getting on stage anytime soon. Probably not until the end of next year if I work even harder than ever. I want to say its not fair. Being a vegetarian for the last 5 years obviously hurt me more than anything. I didn't get enough protein at all. I know I didn't eat well, but I mean isn't there a point where you just can't be any fatter? I mean you can't be 100% fat. All the weight training I have done, all the cardio, all the clean eating... I feel like I worked so hard to hear 53.3%. What? WHAT? How is that possible?? Does that mean I was like 60 or 70% earlier this year???? Its a damn DEXA scan. Its not wrong. I am trying not to bawl like a baby and give up. I swear my doctor likes to be mean. The nurse calls and says "Dr. X says you results still put you in the Obese range, continue on your program." I had to make her give me the percentage and what the hell- he doesn't know what program I'm on. He has never given me guidance. Just the last visit where he told me I was obese.

I just feel like the biggest piece of crap right now. I feel like my dreams have just been ripped away. I SO wanted to be ready for April. I really thought that I was in better condition than that. Obviously not. I am my worst fears. I AM the fat girl that wants to play and no one wants her to cuz she's too fat and slow. I have always felt this way and now its been thrown in my face. I don't think I can do the Fitbody team. I am waaaaay to self conscious. These girls on the team will be starting with half the body fat I have or less.

I feel like never eating again. I feel like I should tie myself to the treadmill until the soles of my shoes are gone. (no worries it won't happen) I just feel so... lost and hopeless.

Is there something just that wrong with me? I haven't been perfect, but I just can't believe that working as hard as I have this year that this is my condition. I am trying not to freak but I am. I am going to have to decide what to do. I will keep trying but this is just a kick in the face. Oh- and my mean female boss says I would make a good PLUS size model. Thanks.

Feeling Human Again

I am finally feeling human again. I think (*fingers crossed*) that the ickies are leaving me! My head is still draining, but at least I have some balance, I'm a little more perky and I can sorta breathe. lol I am not so cranky this morning. I love it. Gosh, when I get sick I just get cranky and unhappy. I hate being sick so much. So from today, on, I am focusing on how healthy and well I feel.

Drinking all this water has helped tremendously I think. I think it has helped flush the junk out. Staying hydrated when sick is so important. I think having the water habit in place already made a huge difference. I am working on consistent nutrition for next week. Its the holiday season and work is stupid crazy- and so are my bosses. They don't like you to stop to even use the bathroom! I really hate drinking my RTDs in the bathroom, but it looks like that is my last resort option. I chug as much water as I can throughout the day, but I like to sip my RTDs and not gulp them down. I will do what I need to do.
I am feeling determined again. I am resting today and eating clean. Tomorrow starts Week 2. I have got to hit it 100%. Every day, every moment, every decision counts. Poor choices I make- be it eating something not on plan, not eating enough now, missing workouts, etc- each choice will show on stage on April 4th. Hopefully all my good choices will show up, too. :)
Yep, I'm feeling alive again. :D

:(

I am so sick. I started feeling better on Thursday- I think the antibiotics kicked in? Yesterday morning I was feeling great. After my workout and shower I started feeling so-so. By mid-day I was spent. My head is pounding and filled with more crap than I thought could possibly fit in there! My poor nose is RAW. My ears are now plugged up. I sneezed over 20 times yesterday and I just gave up counting. How did I end up feeling worse??? Did that steroid shot for my lungs make everything worse? I just feel like I have been run over and my head was stomped on just for fun. It literally hurts to even lightly touch my head. :(
Monday starts a fresh week of training and I'm going to be angry if this darn cold thing doesn't get lost. This week was not how I hoped it would go. Every moment counts. I'm trying to not to get discouraged but I am afraid I won't make my April show date. I don't want to just get on the stage. I want to get on the stage with a competitive physique. I'm trying not to worry about things, but its hard. I don't want to feel like junk. I want to be healthy and strong and tackling my workouts.


On a positive note: GO MUSCLE IN THE CITY!!!!!!!! ROCKFORD won't know what hit 'em!

Turkey Chili Recipe

I made this tonight. Depending on what is allowed on your plan, this is a pretty clean meal. I made my serving size 2 cups. Perfect for cold, snowy weather. :)

Hillary's Turkey Chili


Ingredients:

1 lb 97% lean ground turkey
1 1/2 cups frozen chopped onion (you can use fresh, but frozen is way less time consuming)
4 cups frozen Stir Fry Pepper Mix (about 1/2 a bag)
2 cans low sodium diced tomatoes
1 can kidney beans- well rinsed
4 cloves of garlic- chopped
1 1/2 tsp cumin (or to taste)
1 TBSP chili powder
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
salt and pepper to taste

Brown the ground turkey in pan.
Coat a large pot with cooking spray and add garlic and onion. Add seasonings to onions and garlic.
Next, add peppers and tomatoes.
Slowly stir mixture, then add rinsed kidney beans.
Add browned turkey and cook on low for 40-50 minutes.

Makes 6-8 servings

Nutrition Info (based on 6- 2 cup servings)

Calories: 194
Fat: 1.6g
Carbs: 21
Protein: 23.5
Fiber: 4.8

I tried to make this as clean as possible. Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions. :)
Enjoy!

Tagged- several times...

Okay I have been tagged several times, so here it goes.

6 things (x3) that make me happy:

1. Warm blankets
2. Spice Chai Latte (more specifically: Venti Vanilla with Whip Chai)
3. The beach
4. Water- I LUV water!
5. Snuggling with my hubby
6. UMP shake w/ ice & milk - Yummmmmm! Its soooo like a real milkshake!
7. Big Fluffy bath towels from the dryer
8. Chili - made with turkey and kidney beans
9. The color PINK :)
10. Cinnamon- I add cinnamon to a lot of my food and I love candles, body sprays, etc that have cinnamon in them.
11. Fit Friends! :)
12. Training with Julie
13. Dogs! (Petfinder breaks my heart... so many animals need homes! I wish I could rescue them all!)
14. Photography- I love taking pictures. I mostly take pictures of nature.
15. Aruba
16. Pizza. Its my favorite food unfortunately. lol
17. Surprise presents- i love being surprised in a good way! :)
18. Books- I love reading. I wish I had more time to read. Books make good company.

I'll have to think of the weird things about me and get back to you all. Since most of you have already been tagged, I won't tag anyone, but if you haven't been tagged yet.... then... TAG! You're it! :D

"You're basically obese...."

Not everyone gets to hear those words ring in their ears. I get to.

This is why I love going to the doctor's. *sigh* This congestion, coughing and wheezing got to me so I sucked it up and went to the doctor's today. I got all that fun stuff taken care of- I guess I have asthma issues and my lungs sound terrible and are spasming. Okay... I guess I didn't notice my lungs spasming, but if its impeding my breathing then let's fix it. I got some antibiotics and a shot in the butt. *OUCH* I have a feeling I'm going to be sore.

Anyway... after we took care of the primary reason for my going to the doc's in the first place, I asked if he could give me a referral for a DEXA scan for body composition. They offer the body comp scans, but a referral is still required. First my doctor looks at me and asks why I want one. (ummm, duh? I want to know my body composition?) I tell him why and then he looks at my chart where they apparently calculate BMI's. I know BMI's aren't 100% but they work for the majority as decent indicators. He looks at my BMI and blurts out "You are basically obese. Okay get the scan and then put the results on your refrigerator as a wake up call." Then he walks out of the room. ?????????????? Okay so I sit there dazed for a minute and he sticks his head back in the room and says "Oh, if you don't lose weight by January, see me. I will give you Miridia. Its an old anti-depressant that was designed for weight loss. Its not a stimulant but it will jump start you."

I'm not going to let this ruin me. I wanted to tell him to look at my chart- he'd see that I have lost 25lbs this year. Its not like I am sitting on my butt eating Twinkies. (for the record I think Twinkies are gross.) I have had to work hard to get where I am. Its not great I know, but its certainly an improvement. Thanks for the encouragement doc. *sigh* I'm going to use this as more fuel. It stings. I won't lie. It feels like I am trying to fight my own ugly inner voice and then some outside ugly voice chimes in. If I weren't working with Julie right now I think I might be in a different place. I would be crying and eating some crap food. Instead I am going to keep looking at my inspiration picture and I'll keep repeating "Hillary, You Can Do This".

Tomorrow morning I have my DEXA scan. I am hoping its not too bad. I know its not good and I'm guessing I am still somewhere in the 30% range of fat. I am just hoping its not in the 40 or 50% range. After all the work I have done this year, that might make me cry.


For those who have tagged me- I promise I'll do a new post soon.

Gym Woes

So I went to check out a new gym last night. I asked for a free trial and I got a two-week free pass along with a ton of discounts if I join. I went at 7:15 after I got off of work and there were 3 people working out. I asked what times were busy and they guy who was showing me around kinda got defensive until he realized I was interested in working out when I didn't have to fight meatheads for weights. He used the word meathead! LOL I felt... turned off by the whole experience. This gym is close and well... convenient. Its small, low traffic but its missing some things. One machine I *really* want is the assisted pull up machine. I looked around and didn't see one so I asked. The guy tells me they don't have one but not many girls can do pullups anyway. Uhhhh Hello? I'm a girl and I'd like to do pull ups but I need some darn help to get there! Okay so not the biggest deal, but it could be a deal breaker. So we continue talking and going over stuff. He's trying to sell me on what discounts he can offer, blah, blah, blah. The cardio area was tiny! If it was busy I could see being irritated about cardio equipment. The final thing that just irked me was the personal training conversation. I told him I already had a trainer (who wouldn't be in the area to create conflict with his staff trainers) and I wasn't interested in hiring anyone there. I just wanted to know if they did body fat measurements. I was told that they have a bio-impedance machine and that was perfectly accurate and no one did skin-fold. Ummmm- I may be fat, but I'm not stupid! I know those things aren't "perfectly accurate". And when I saw the 2 personal trainers I questioned if they took their own advice or were just not really qualified- they were not in shape at all! After I mentioned the body fat thing he would not stop offering me personal training services. *sigh* Didn't you hear me?? I told you I had a trainer already I just need help with skin fold measurements. I have my own darn calipers. Its just hard or impossible in some cases to get measurements in all places. Teaching the hubby is going to be fun. *ugh* LOL Someone told me of a new gym that I was unaware of. Guess I am off to check that one out too.

Side note- I have to go to the doctors I think for this darn head/chest cold that has kicked me down. While I am there I think I am going to ask for a referral for a DEXA scan. They offer body comp scans now and well.... I know that will be accurate for sure. Better than teaching the hubby how to use calipers! LOL

I wish I could just have my own gym. I loved when I worked at the YMCA. Ours was kick ass! We had an awesome cardio section and a great free weight room- not in a basement like most Y's. I worked as a personal trainer and loved it. I look back and realize I was barely qualified- just by YMCA standards, but it was still great. I was trained with just enough to get by. Most people weren't looking for hard core anything. They just wanted to learn how to use equipment and do basic exercises. I really enjoyed it. I loved my old guys that came in for cardiac rehab. :D Ahhhh- the good ol' days. lol I realize now there is SOOO much more to fitness and the human body. Wow.

Courage

I love this. I am such a 'fraidy cat sometimes- usually for no good reason.







This is how I feel about my goals. My goals and dreams are more important than how I feel at the gym (aka- self-conscious and afraid everyone will laugh or stare at me).
I'm jumpin' off the cliff! Wahoo!

I'm over it! (Food Porn discussion & more - SKIP if you need to!)

Just filling up some space here so that my competing friends who may be in a moment of weakness don't read the food porn words that will follow. lalalala :D


So I am starting a new program on Monday. Of course my "old brain" yells- "OMG! We gotta eat all the bad stuff now since we'll be deprived until April! EAT!!!" I have been 50-75% clean eating the last 3 days. I had my Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream. It just wasn't as good. The first few bites were great and then I was just over it. Pizza is always my weakness, but having a salad first filled me up and after a slice I was over it. I typically love Chinese food. I love spices and Hunan Chicken is a tasty treat- I had that last night and well... I'm over it. My "new brain" MUST be taking over because I just haven't enjoyed those foods much and I can't wait to start eating clean again. I don't like the physical effects of eating junk. I can really tell when things aren't right. Who'd a thunk it??? LOL

I am getting REALLY REALLY pumped. I am now having dreams about competitions. I am really SEEING myself getting ready and overcoming obstacles. I am surprised at my determination. I really want this. I WILL be ready and on stage looking for a trophy in April. I'm sure I'll have to work hard and fight some old mindsets that tell me I am weak and I should just settle for X instead of getting A. As of right now this isn't the issue. :) I'm seeing it, I'm believing it. I am going for it! I already have people telling me not to get too "manly" or too buff. I guess soft & squishy is more comfortable for everyone else. Well... I've been soft & squishy for too long! I'm OVER IT! I have asked my coworkers to come support me in April and to support me during my training. I told them if they see me with ANY bad foods they need to slap it out of my hands and yell "Competition". :D Its funny how asking people to help me and support me has changed their attitude. Now they are involved in some way and they seem less resistant. I'm sure once I start looking "too hard or too manly" they will try to feed me junk, but for now the holidays should be a little easier.

Off to the place that interrupts my training... aka my job.

Life has tried to get me down...

So I came back from Kentucky with a new fire. My first day heading back to work.... my car wouldn't start! Seriously?? Okay... no worries. I got a ride into work, had my lunch packed- I ate clean and drank my gallon of water. Many times in my life food has been my comfort. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about comfort food when I realized the cost to rent a car while mine is being fixed- and the cost of that, etc. I don't like unexpected bills. Who does? Unexpected sums of money coming IN is another story-haha. Anyway, I didn't give in. I asked myself- what would a Pro Figure Champ do? What would she eat? Would she give into a moment or would she stay the course? I have chosen to stay the course. There is no need to make poor food choices just because some event occurred.

I am pleased with my renewed determination. I am excited. I met one person this week that is excited about my goals. I more than likely won't see her again, but it was nice to have someone not recoil and go "ewww. Don't be a gross manly woman." *sigh* My parents, coworkers and hubby are all not on board. Its okay- except for the hubby. He wants me to be healthy and is okay with the Bikini thing, but anything else is too much. I'm just not going to talk to many people about it. It makes me sad because this is important to me, but I am not going to get put down over it. I've already tried to explain and show that these figure women are gorgeous and strong, but people won't listen. All I can do is show them when I get there. Everyone has their own ideas. Its cool. I just would appreciate it if they would not try and knock me down.

The last few days have been exhausting with the extra work and trainings and car drama. I am happy about the clean eating and water drinking. I need to get some solid sleep tonight. Last few nights my cats have been... jerks. Ha. I am ready to push HARD in my workouts the next few days. I've been kinda weak- I think the low sleep hurt me. Good sleep tonight and I am hitting it hard tomorrow!

Julie- Thank you again! You are the best!

Still Feeling It! (and link to KY Muscle pics)

I am still feeling the "high" from the weekend. I am excited and totally determined. I know that there are people I work for and with that are going to try and bust my bubble today. I'm just not going to give in. I am better than that. Heck- right now I'll say I am better off than they are. My life does not revolve around my workplace and my value and worth is not based on my job or what my superiors, coworkers or customers think of me. It only matters what I think of me.
Instead of viewing myself as a fatty trying to lose weight, I am going to start thinking of myself as an awesome body that needs a little remodeling. (insert cheesy grin here) Its like a car or house that needs a new coat of paint and some rearranging. I just need to rearrange the fat (outta the body!) and add some muscle in the right places. Time to remodel "my house" into my dream house. :D

I read today that the rate of heart failure has tripled in the last 30 years. Yikes! All the more reason to be healthy. I don't want to be a statistic. I want to be healthy and strong and SEXY. :D


For anyone who wants to see more KY Muscle Show pictures you can go to Alexis Rhea Photography

I haven't uploaded ALL my pics but I'm still recovering from lack of sleep. :P

(edited because my link disappeared?? trying again.... if it goes away again its: http://alexisrhea.smugmug.com/Events )

Kentucky Muscle Show

Wow. WOW.

This was the first competition that I have ever attended. WOW! I can't stop grinning. You know the one- the big cheesy grin that makes people wonder what your thinking about. :D

I got up at 4am, showered up and hit the road yesterday morning. I managed to get to Kentucky (from Northern Ohio) in 4.5 hours. The traffic was a breeze and the weather broke when I hit Kentucky- beautiful! I stopped at The Galt House hotel and picked up my tickets and surprise gift from Carla. (LUV, LUV, LUV!) I walked around downtown Louisville and found the convention center. I went into the expo just in time to see the IFBB Pro girls at prejudging. WOW!!! I found Tracy at Julie Lohre's booth. I was so happy to find someone I "knew". lol Tracy is awesome! Look out NPC she's serious! ;)
Tracy was so nice and answered my millions of questions about how comps worked and why things happened they way they did and what the judges look for, etc. Julie was up onstage expediting so I asked Tracy more questions about Julie. LOL It was really cool to see the pro girls do their thing. They make it look so stinkin' easy! I know better! They were gorgeous and graceful. Wow.

Julie came back to her booth for a bit and Tracy introduced me. Julie is THE SWEETEST woman I have ever met! She was SO nice. She asked me questions, answered mine and she gave me a photo of her (my MOST favorite picture ever and my inspiration photo since I began BFL this year) and she signed it. I told her I wanted to have a picture like that of me and that she was so inspiring to me. She wrote on the photo "Hillary, You Can Do This". I don't think anyone saw, but a tear snuck out at that point. Wow. How's that for motivation??? Julie Lohre, and IFBB Pro tells you that you can do something?? Dang Skippy you can! I am back with a vengeance! My fire has been re-lit. Seeing all the fit bodies- live, in person and up close- makes a huge impact on the psyche. These aren't just bodies in pictures online or in a magazine. REAL people can look this good! And for the record- Miss Tracy looks even better in person than her pictures may reveal! She's skinny! (but buff) LOL No more "fat girl" attitude missy! You look great! ;)

I wish I would have freshened up the make-up and fixed my dang shirt. I looked like a dork all day. LOL Someone could have told me..... I had to wait to see the pictures! *gah* Oh well... 6 months from now... the next picture of Julie and I will be AWESOME. :D (She said so!) LOL



And beautiful Tracy....




The body building pre-judging was neat to see. I think I could do well judging the boyz. LOL With only one exception I called the top 5 order every time. Whoa. And let me just say- There were some seriously beautiful men there. Jami (from BFL tracker) and I had a nice time. LOL! Rawr! I had 2 favorite posing routines. The first was the overall Novice winner- GREAT body and great routine. The second fave was a 56yr old guy who posed to Toby Keith's- "I Ain't as Good as I Once Was". LOL It was hysterical and he did a great job.

I'll post the link to the pics later.

I am sooo pumped! (and no, its not from the millions of free samples I scored at the expo! tee hee hee)

Kentucky.... Here I Come

Tonight I need to get my sleep. I leave at 0500 for Kentucky. :) I get to meet Carla and Tracy and Jami and hopefully Julie Lohre!! (I thought I saw a rumor about Beka going??) I can't wait to take pics of everyone. :D

I am filled with mixture of emotions. I am so excited to meet everyone! I am SOOO proud of Carla. I know she is going to do fabulous! She just has to do awesome!

I feel anxious. I'm definitely going to be a fat chick in a sea of beautiful and fit women. I feel like the fat kid in gym class again. :( Always running behind everyone else. Huffing and puffing- barely crossing the finish line. I am sad. I wanted to be SOOO much further by now. I really did. I thought I could do it. I have lost some energy somewhere. I am so tired and well.... depressed. I am hoping this weekend will be the shock I need to get my booty back on track. I hate being so self-conscious and awkward. I need some girl time this weekend. I am looking forward to this so much. Maybe it will help being around women who aren't a bunch of flakes- women who are strong and amazing (love you Carla, Tracy & Jami!)The ladies I see on a daily basis are not good health company for sure. I have just felt so low. My support is nil. Hubs is starting to make things hard again. :/ I need this weekend. I need to be surrounded by my dreams. Things have been lost in the fog. I think 10 hours of driving will help me get some alone time, too. ;) I will have pics and stories for sure when I return on Sunday . I should have a a better 'tude, too. ;)

I can hardly walk...

:D

I did a KILLER leg workout on Saturday. Yesterday I was sore, but WOWSERS! Today I can barely move. I decided to just do chest and tri's today and attempt a walk at lunch. I am off tomorrow and plan a good measure of EMC.

I am trying really hard not to freak out today. I have to go back to work with my old boss. :( It sucks. He's controlling, negative, condescending, nagging, belittling, overbearing.... the list goes on. Despite numerous complaints from every store he goes to, he still has a job. No one knows why. I was bombarded yesterday with people complaining to me about how bad it was the first day he came back. Today 6 text messages- I go in at noon. *sigh* I need to make some changes in my career.... soon.

No matter what happens today, I am eating clean and drinking my water. I'm done with other people trying to interfere with my goals.

Feeling Mushy.... awww

I'm feeling all mushy now. I was looking online at the resort where we got married (3 years ago yesterday!) Our wedding pictures are still up on the site! Awwwww....

Hubby got me some flowers and I'm feeling all mushy and weepy. lol I loved my wedding. I want to get married again! lol Its not like we need to renew our vows or anything... it was just such a happy time for me. I'm am SO getting my booty into shape. I want to fit in my dress again. Maybe I can get a 2nd honeymoon or something out of it....

Happy Anniversary (yesterday) Baby! :D

Its November!

Wow. I can't believe it. November already!

I have been pretty on target the last few days I can tell. Now if this sinus/stomach thing would just LEAVE already I'd be doing great. I'll be feeling great for awhile and then it hits me with waves of nausea, a killer headache and then I feel congested after I lie down. *sigh* I'm getting pretty grumpy about that but I'm NOT giving in. I've been eating cleaner and pushing harder. It feels great.

Lsat night we watched Jeepers Creepers, Constantine (Luv Keanu Reeves!) and Resident Evil. :) We also carved pumpkins! Mine is the Om symbol. :)



I am SOOOO exited about going to the KY Muscle Show next weekend! I get to see my friends, get a kick in the pants with motivation (though I'm doing pretty good right now) and possibly meet Julie Lohre! I can't wait to take lots of pics. I love taking pictures and it would be an honor to get some awesome shots of my friends showing off their best. :)

We may be going to a "Halloween" party uptown tonight. If we do, I'll take pics! :)

Just for Today...

As most of you know, things have been wacky in my life. Hormones, money, my old boss is coming back to my work (this is not good)... Life happens, though. I get overwhelmed and I tend to shut down. I am working hard on breaking this pattern. I refuse to call it a bad habit or bad pattern. Its just a pattern that I developed as a coping and self-protective mechanism. I made it through some terrible times using this technique. Today, I am doing my best to try something different. Today my walk in the park gave me this:

Just for today, I will eat clean.

Just for today, I will give my workout 100%.

Just for today, I will breathe deep and give thanks for my life.

Just for today, I will honor my needs- mental, physical & spiritual.

Just for today I will and love deeply and laugh loudly.

Just for today, I will focus on TODAY. I cannot change yesterday and tomorrow has not yet arrived.

Just for today, I will live for.... TODAY.


I plan to reread this daily. I spend too much time in the past and future. I miss things of today. I will be smart about my shopping for foods, etc. But I am not going to dwell on things. I will stay in the present moment as much as I can. And if I find myself thinking of the past or future, I will simply be grateful and come back to now.

Its My Ovaries, Stupid! & surgery

It's My Ovaries, Stupid! is an incredibly insightful and life-changing book by Dr. Elizabeth Lee Vliet. I have a feeling by the time I finish it things will be easier for me. I'm still hormonal and wacky. Its been really tough to not kill someone on some days. Other days I am sweet as sugar and fun to be around. Then I plummet back down to dark depths of hell and give the devil a run for his evil money. Anyway. I HIGHLY recommend this book for any woman. Its answered A LOT of questions so far and I feel like things aren't "just in my head". This just further backs up the importance of a healthy diet and exercise. There is a wealth of information. Check out the link. I think its worth the investment (which is lass than $15!)


I had a follow up appointment about my foot surgery. Looks like I am going for it. I won't be having it done until January or February- still deciding on a date. Its going to put me on my duff for 8 weeks and then I can walk again. I'll be in an aircast for another 3 weeks. So guess who will be killing upper body workouts in the spring. Its going to push the April comp off. Kinda bummed about that. :( I just don't know how much longer I can really wait. I'm in constant pain now. I am going to hit the next 10-12 weeks as hard as I can. TONS of cardio and LBWO. UBWO's and abs too of course, but I think I am going to work in legs 2x per week. I need all the help and work I can get before I am immobile. :( The good side is that I will be worked on by a top notch surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic. I am hoping that by getting in the best health I can be in before surgery will help my down time. Its possible to heal in 6 weeks instead of 8 and get down to 2 weeks in the aircast. Best case 8 weeks, worst 12-14 weeks. If I do the surgery early enough, I can get to the Arnold afterall. I'll be on crutches, but I'll get to go...

Time to go back to fall cleaning... and it is snowing, btw...

One Day at a Time

First I want to thank you ladies who have been so supportive, encouraging and "butt-kicking" when I needed you. (((HUGS))) I really do appreciate it. I am sorry I have sucked at commenting lately. The truth is, I am just depressed. I felt myself slipping and I just couldn't stop falling. I retreat when I am sad and hurting. I hope no one has been offended by my lack of communication. I suck at being vulnerable. :(

Right now I am taking one day at a time. I am back to doing BFL with Tae Bo and Tony workouts mixed in. Its been a huge struggle for me, but I had to make the decision to stop training with Tony. :( Finances are one part of the equation. I am trying not to be overwhelmed. I have the right foods in the house and I know what needs to be done. I am just focusing on each day. There is no tomorrow or yesterday. There is only what I can do to be healthy and make progress TODAY.

I feel like the cards are stacked against me. I have the infamous "tennis elbow" in my right arm. Lifting has been a struggle with some exercises. Even lifting my water jug out of the refrigerator causes shooting pain. *sigh* Little support in the "real world" (only the cyber world offers me hope lately). My hormones are totally whacked still. :( I'm giving it one more cycle on the ring before I call the doc. I have some sort of sinus deal that just won't leave me. I wake up every morning coughing up crap and my head is filled with more crap. I can't breathe through my nose. Seriously. Does my body just hate me? I wish I could go to a magic place and be "cleansed" or "healed" of all imbalances and just start fresh. This feeling broken is getting old.

I am trying to look at my adversities as obstacles to overcome. I usually like a good challenge and typically if you tell me I can't or shouldn't or won't, then I accept the challenge to prove you wrong. Lately, I just feel lethargic and apathetic. Who cares? Maybe I can't. Blah. I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring something better.
I am going to commit to doing a few things regularly that I think will help me find some balance.

1. Breathe Right Strips every night
2. Neti Pot Cleansing daily
3. 1 gallon+ water daily
4. 1 cup minimum of Tulsi Tea (if you haven't had this, its a must!!)
5. Vitamin Pack, Flax Oil, Evening Primrose Oil & Biotin daily
6. One yoga session (minimum) a week

I signed up for the BFL Tracker Fall Challenge. I aim to win it. I need to pull my head out of the depressed funk I am in. In addition to having a totally hot birthday suit by completion (my birthday is a few days before the end of my challenge), I am going to get a dog as my reward. Its a hot point with the hubby, but I am making some changes in that arena. *I* need to start living for ME. I am doing this challenge for me. After the challenge I may need to give and have foot surgery. (The pain is getting severe. *boo*) I will not be having surgery until I am healthy and fit. Better get the booty moving.... One day at a time. I can do this.

Back in the cage

So one of my big motivations and major goals had to do with my anniversary and my husband. I wanted to look really good and feel good for our anniversary. I wanted my husband to be proud of me. Without going into details, let me just say that that was a wasted goal. I need to do this for me and me only. My weight loss process (working out a lot, eating clean, etc) has taken a toll on my relationship. I have noticed a distinct pattern. When I eat freely and skip workouts *I* feel like junk but DH is happy I am around more and sharing meals with him. (he can eat ANYTHING without any obvious effect. I think its metabolized before it hits his stomach. LOL)
I don't like this pattern.
There are a lot of underlying things going on and it breaks my heart. Every argument is my fault because I am cranky or I am attacking him, etc. He always manages to turn things back on me. I neglect him. I am in a bad mood. I am picking at him, etc.
I feel like I am trapped. I feel like for a little bit this bird grew her wings a little and started stretching her wings and exploring her home. Now I feel like my wings are clipped and I am stuffed back in the cage. Back in the cage to look out through the bars and the window and watch all the other birds spread their wings and fly.
I feel like I may never fly.