Thursday, March 12, 2009

Self Reflection

My hormones have been wreaking havoc on me. I've been somewhat unstable in mood and temperament. I'm not at all comfortable with how wildly I swing from calm to angry and irrational. I am breaking out all over with acne worse than when I was in puberty! My scalp and face are just an oil pit. I'm getting hair on the side of my face like a thin beard! *CRY* I'd venture to say some testosterone or androgen levels are whacked. Or my estrogen is too low. At any rate, the mildest stress sends me over the edge and its been exhausting. I seriously feel like I have no control. I've cried more times today than I can remember. So yeah, April cannot get here fast enough. Aunt Flo isn't due for almost a week yet so let's see how we do. I am expecting the migraines to appear about then and last for 2 weeks like last time. Fantastic. Anyway....

I thankfully had off of work today. I was able to freak out and regroup a bit. I am reading a book called Awakening the Buddha Within. A couple of key thoughts for me:

1- "Don't seek externally for fulfillment; rather turn the searchlight inward... Its a fact: You're not going to find the truth outside yourself."

This applies to SOOO many areas in my life. It really hit me. External fulfillment- that includes using food. Food can be a lot things its not meant to be. Food is nourishment. Its not comfort or fulfillment or a blanket.

2-"We keep looking outside for answers. We look for lovers, friends, parents, authorities, even children to answer needs they can't possibly fulfill...We are so full of fantasies about the past and future."
This goes along with the first one. The answer lies inside. Instead of focusing on what other people or programs can do or what they might do, what answers they have, its time to turn inward and see the truth inside me. No more dreaming of past and future. Its time to be present. I am choosing the present moment. Its going to take work and mindfulness, but I know that being aware of NOW is healthier than worrying about tomorrow and pining for the past.

3- "Awaken from the dreams of delusion, confusion and suffering; awake to all that you are and all that can be. Awake to reality, to truth, to things just as they are."
Awake to all that I am and can be. So often I get muddied in what I am not or what I can't be. I let my head swim in the murky, dark waters of anxiety, depression, and low-self esteem. I get caught in the current of expectations, demands and seemingly unending stress. No more.

While this book is about the spiritual quest for enlightenment, its so much more. This book isn't about worshiping the Buddha, its not about sitting under a tree and meditating for hours a day until I am magically enlightened. This books is about making life more simplified and complete by being aware of each action and thought. Its about mindfulness, compassion, love, understanding and more. Its about waking up from the dream and seeing reality. While the book is spiritual by nature, its has already a profound effect on things my physical world. After all, the spiritual world really isn't separate from the physical, emotional and psychological worlds either.


Tina said...

Hmmmm....just thinking a little when I read your post...I think your on to something. Sometimes I think we have to stop searching for who we are and start creating who we want to be...I don't know really I'm just thinking out loud...

Thing is I've been where you are...I think that's why I'm so compelled to want to help...but I don't know if I'm really helping...

I don't know if anyone can truly's your journey...I just hope you can wake up tomorrow and be happy with who you are...right can create it in your mind right now...who you define you...give the world's been waiting :)