Saturday, January 31, 2009

Allergy Plan for February

1. Use Air Cleaner
2. Use Neti Pot- daily AM
3. Use Breathe Right strips PM
4. Vaccuum/ Sweep floors at least 3x week
5. Dust 2x week
6. Brush cats weekly
7. Drink 2TBSP ACV with warm water before bed.
8. Practice Yoga 1x week

Eliminate clutter in the house permanently.

I am going to try eliminating all obvious sources of dairy by the 2nd week of the month. I have some yogurt and cottage cheese to finish up. I needed the yogurt with the last round of antibiotics. If there is no change, I will stop the protein powder for a week and go with whole foods only. If there is still no change then I will add the protein powder back.

Doing all of this should help my asthma tremendously. I had no idea my breathing was this sucky until the bronchitis hit me.

Learning more every day!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Acknowleding Weakness

So I just haven't felt super pumped lately. I want to, but the fire is cool embers right now. Its not out, just no flame at the moment.

This next part isn't about me bashing myself, its me acknowledging my weaknesses.

I'm not very good at receiving. I always feel like I have to give back or give first. Receiving a compliment is uncomfortable for me. I often feel suspicious or just weird. Part of it is that receiving a compliment means someone is paying attention to me. THAT in itself makes me uncomfortable. But I do like being noticed, so... I'm just a confused mess? lol At any rate... gifts, compliments- whatever... I even feel uncomfortable with taking the freebies on tables at fairs and muscle shows, etc. I'm still getting to the bottom of this. I really don't have an understanding on this totally. I do need to learn to accept things and be gracious. My awkwardness with compliments or gifts can come off wrong to people. I will work on acceptance and graciousness.

I'm not too good at letting go or being subservient. Control and I are good friends. Sugar (in all its forms) is one of the few things that has more power over me than I'd like. I struggle with trusting that other people will make the right or best decisions. I struggle with trust when it all comes down to it. I cannot even do that "fall backwards and let a group of people catch you" thing. I seriously cannot fall. My body physically will not go limp. Come to think of it, I hate falling at all. Fall is too close to fail. I need to work on trusting other people. Especially those that I *know* will take care of me. I just need to let go of my worries and distrust. I am working on this with the husband tonight. I know he loves me. I can trust him.

I'm not very good at relaxing. My mind is always going a million miles per hour. I need to give myself time to NOT THINK. Meditation is something I want to be much much better at. Yoga is also something that will help. I can strengthen my body and mind. I can be better at living in the moment.

The final thing I am not good at is standing up for myself. I dislike confrontation with authority figures. My father and I had gotten into some NASTY fights that almost landed me in the hospital. Confrontation makes me want to head for the hills. I will tolerate far more than I should for the sake of avoiding turbulence. I will be working on setting boundaries at work and holding strongly to them. I don't have to be aggressive or fight to defend myself. I just need to be aware of my boundaries and stand firmly for them.

I'm sure there are many more weaknesses to address, but these are the ones that I am going to focus on now. I think correcting the behaviors and mindsets behind these will bring a greater amount of peace and stress reduction. It will definitely shift my life in a new direction.

I acknowledge the weakness in me and move forward to grow and strengthen myself.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Answer I Have Been Seeking?

"Vinegar appears to have effects similar to
some of the most popular medications for diabetes."

I have to say that I am really so happy I read this tonight/this morning. I tried for a very long time to live a more "natural" life. More natural products and less chemicals, no meat, etc. I hate taking pills and supplements and the millions of hormones and medicines that typical doctors require. Since its going to take 7 months for me to get into see an endocrinologist, I have been stressed about how to fix my insulin resistance and PCOS. I am going to suck it up and continue on hormones for now because mine are clearly whacked, but getting on Metformin is going to A- take a long time and B- be expensive. I remember Tony's ACV concoction and didn't really mind it one bit. I have gotten away from it since I started training with Julie, but now I am wondering if maybe that was more pivitol than I realized... The AMAZING Tea has mentioned she thinks she was probably diabetic (insulin resistant surely. She now has no major responses to carb meals. She has obviously lost an amazing amount of fat (WAY TO GO!! YOU INSPIRE ME DAILY!) So, yeah... she used the ACV trick and has done amazingly well. I think its time for me to get back to using that. I have some ACV and I will start today. ACV has a lot of other health properties as well, so let's see how it goes.

For my reference and others...

Vinegar For Insulin Resistance And Weight Loss And Much More

Apple Cider Vinegar: The Amazing Health Benefits of this Economical "Old Timers Home Remedy"

Apple Cider Vinegar helps insulin resistance, as well as other PCOS issues!

Vinegar and Diabetes

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Hormones suck. I'm sitting here crying for no apparent reason. WTH?? I am up, down and all around. My head is hurting like no other... I have 2 1/2 more weeks before I can start on hormone therapy again and who knows what the new one will do to me. :(
I swear, moments like these make me feel like I just can't take it. I feel like a nutzo! Please add in all the stress of the snow storm and all other PMS symptoms. Overwhelmed is a good word for now. I'm trying to research more on insulin resistance and PCOS. I'm all over Soulcysters reading and I'm still frustrated and tired. I just don't want this anymore. I want to be thin and healthy and strong. Gah. I needed to vent while I cry. I feel like a dork. Stupid hormones.

just in case

Soooo.... I am in an expedition with 5 other people on our way to a meeting. We have road closings and red level alerts. :( I'm so freaked. I am sick to my stomach they are making me go.
I am hate this. :( stress levels WAY high.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I've gotten away from Fitday in the last week. I guess I felt like everything else was off schedule and why bother? Plenty of reasons to bother, but that is behind me. Today is in the present moment. I know what I need to do today. I have goals and dreams for tomorrow and sure there is planning and structure needed to reach those goals, but I am focusing on what I can do today. The more I worry about the future, the worse I feel. My chest starts hurting, I can't breathe, I feel anxious and depressed. The worst part? I STILL don't get anything accomplished with the worrying. *DUH* SO... I am focusing on today, today.

I am going back to writing everything down that I eat and do. Times and everything. I am going to pay attention to my mood, hormonal cycles, etc. I have to get this Insulin Resistance and Asthma under control. I'd like to not be IR at all anymore. Until I get back to at least the 140's-150's that is unlikely. My goal from here is to be healthy first, hot second. I'd love to be able to wear a bikini this summer and feel good it in. So that is my mini goal for now. If things progress sooner- awesome! If not, well I am doing what I can. I am done with excuses and whining and feeling sorry for myself. I am awesome. I can do this. Just because things aren't going MY way, doesn't mean I stop doing things the right way. My body needed this break and that is okay. I am okay. Everything is okay. Its now time to get back to changing my body's chemistry again so that I can one day post on this blog that I am no longer Insulin Resistant.

And for anyone needing a kick in the pants... Check out THIS ! I think Evelyne and Tea have already linked to it. I love it. Some days, when I was feeling at the top of my game I felt this way when people at work whined. Well, this is the perfect kick to get me amped up. I'm working out today. Even if I can only do baby weights. I am getting back my life.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Taking the detour

Today has been hard. I started out motivated and somewhat energetic. It quickly disappeared after my doc appt. I'm insulin resistant, but he wants to treat it with hormones first. I can't start the next round of hormones for 2 weeks. I looked up the pills he has me on and they are just like the ones that I hated before- and he knows that. *sigh* I gained weight, had no libido, felt depressed and had no energy. So ummm... yeah. How does that get me any closer to my goals? I feel like crying. I have all evening. I am a hormonal mess. I still have one more doctor to see. I am so frustrated with all of this. I just want my life back. I want to work out hard and eat clean. I want to see results and not need stupid medications. I am still having a terrible time breathing. I attempted working out. Mistake. This is seriously getting old. I'm so bummed. I know I have the ability to reach my goals. This just seems like more than a road block. Its a darn detour.
Detours have their own possibilities, don't they? New scenery, off the normal path... there is something positive to be had out of this. I'm just going to have to take the detour. No point in fighting this anymore.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Heh, thanks for the fun, Tea! GET YOURS

In the right direction

First- THANK YOU STACEY for this THIS blog entry. I cried at the ridiculousness I get caught up in. *sigh*
Directly from her post-

"For what it's worth, it's never too late, or in my case too early - to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit; stop whenever you want. You can change, or stay the same - there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

~The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

Yesterday was an extremely busy day at work. No time to really get stressed about much. I did have to use my inhaler 2x- which isn't typical for me. I'm trying to be grateful. I'm trying to see the possibilities instead of the restrictions. This is what I have to work with for now.

This quote sums up where I am at right now- I am at the wondering point...

“The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing”
-- David Viscott

This is something I will continue to read-

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

-- Dale Carnegie

It doesn't matter about how important anything is to anyone else. I have to keep on trying when there seems to be no hope. Things that are important to ME are my priority.

The medications I am make me goofy and puffy. I'm not overly thrilled by this. I'm not complaining though because they are helping my body heal. I want to work out so badly, but I can tell I am just not ready. My lungs are still struggling. :( I'll get a few more answers tomorrow at one doctor and then I make ANOTHER appointment for a 3rd doctor for my bloodwork. Its odd how much we take our bodies for granted. The marvelous and incredible design that they are. SOO intricate. I've been overwhelmed at the number of things that affect each other. The medications and chemical reactions is insane. How we have come up with anything to fix in anything in our bodies is beyond me. Our bodies are amazing- no matter how we feel about them when we want more. Our bodies are good, and wonderful and amazing. Sometimes they break or malfunction, but they can be healed and function the best they can if we take care of them. No more angry or abusive thoughts towards my body. I will now take care of and respect the amazing being that I am.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I'm feeling a little better than last night. Thanks for the comments. (((HUGS)))

I cried a little, ate dinner, took my meds and put on some relaxing sleep music with rain. I really just wanted to hear the rain. It won't rain here probably for another couple of months and then it will be cold and gloomy. Like now, only with rain instead of snow. I find rain and storms to be soothing. I usually just want to lie down somewhere and close my eyes. Even during storms. Then I am usually wanting to take pictures too, lol.

I keep having anxiety about work. It really sucks. I'm trying to reprogram my brain and calm down, but its not working. My chest starts hurting and I realize its getting stupid. I wish my job didn't depend on numbers. :( I want to call off. I need to rest more. My chest is hurting- because I am freaking out, and my pills are finally at the point where they are messing up my digestive system. Yay. :( I hoped I might be able to miss out on that part, but I've had this medication before. I can't take time to heal because my numbers depend on me being there. *ugh*

I better go get ready for work. Oy.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I feel so overwhelmed right now. I need to talk and there isn't anyone I can really go to. :( I feel like I can't breathe. I feel alone and frustrated. My attempt to meditate didn't go so well. I am extremely burdened right now. God, I just want to run away some where. I feel like everything is crashing down on me. How much more can I take?
I'm trying to work on another income option and I just feel so inadequate. :( I need to go back to school.... but HOW? I don't know how to make any of this work. :(

I feel so stupid and hopeless.

Cloudy Vision

Right now its hard for me to see myself on a stage anytime soon. Its hard for me to focus. I'm frustrated that I can't work out. I got sent home from work today because my breathing is so bad. My chest really hurts. :( I'm on a ton of meds to make me better. I'm just not better yet. I want to lift and do cardio. I feel like a fat, lazy bum! I haven't been 100% on eats. I know that eating clean is totally separate than working out. One does not preclude the other. They are two separate functions that both must be done 100%. One doesn't make up for the other, yet... when I miss workouts I get that fatalistic thinking. The thinking that since I am not working out.... I can eat this. *UGH* That's the reverse of what I should be thinking! Everything just feels better about my day when I workout first. I'm tempted to do something tonight. I just KNOW that it is NOT smart. Grrrr.

So I can't visualize my weight loss right now. I can't see the stage. I am gaining weight from the meds I am on. I can't workout. Let's add hubby being a jerk and loads of work stress. I'm feeling lost. I'm stumbling through the woods with no clear direction. Its foggy and I am getting smacked in the face with tree branches.

One thing I miss the most that I haven't done since last spring is Yoga. I miss it SO much. Doing some Yoga and meditation will help. Instead of fighting my way through this I need to just stop and recenter myself. I have a pile of worries and tears. I need to sit down and just breathe. I think this bronchitis is actually a gift. Its forcing me to have some down time. No more spinning in circles.

Sometimes the best way to clearer vision is to close your eyes.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Becoming Myself

“Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive.”

-- Gerard Way

That one made me giggle...

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

-- Anna Quindlen

Its no secret that I hate my job. Its filled with a ridiculous amount of stress that stems mostly from one person. My boss is neurotic, micro-managing, condescending and often irrational. When he relaxes for a moment and the real man comes out, he's a caring and understanding guy. *headthunk* It makes it so hard to just plain hate the man. It would be easier on my psyche if he abused animals or something. Instead, despite HR calls and reports, there lies inside a real person, a real human being- not the monster he becomes at work. I guess its a good thing to remember and know. I just wish he'd stop being an insane, degrading, know-it-all whacko. *sigh* Aside from the stress of him and the constantly increasing goals, I really am bored. I don't really like my job much at all anymore. The people I work with are okay, some I am close to, but I'm just not invested anymore. There is no future for me there. No chance to move up and I can't handle the types of business I want. I WANT to sell to businesses and can't because I am in the retail channel. Either way... its not what I want to do.

So, what DO I want to do? Well... I want to really work on my photography. I love taking pictures. Lately I haven't had the fire. It makes me sad because I love looking at life through a lens. I am taking some maternity shots for my coworker/friend. I've never done anything like it, so it will be a good experience for me and a free maternity shoot for her. At worst, we redo some shots and/or she hires a pro after all. Either way, its a good deal for both of us. Another coworker is pregnant and I she wants hers done, too. I will most likely do hers, too. I have to be honest and say that I prefer chasing bugs and capturing flowers. I prefer nature over portrait stuff. However, I think I could become good at people photography if I wanted to. My ultimate dream would be to shoot in Africa- capturing the amazing wildlife and people on that continent. Heck I'd be able to travel everywhere- anywhere- and take pictures. THAT's the ULTIMATE dream for me. In order to do those things, though I need money. I need to buy better and more camera equipment, I need airfare and traveling expenses, etc. I want to be healthy and athletic. I like to get close so I need to be healthy and athletic if I need to run! lol
I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I see the world outside and know that I just *HAVE* to get out. I need to stretch my wings and gain strength. I need to fly... I need to fly... This is the key to becoming myself...

*wow* While I was going to get a few pics to post here, I noticed that the number of views on my photo site have blown up! :D

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sleep Does A Body Good

I slept a huge amount of the day yesterday and I slept in today. I got as much sleep as I could. I felt off this morning, but I feel a lot better now. I'm still coughing up a lung now and then, but I am trying to take it easy. I took my supps today. I drank some ACV in hot water last night and more today. I think that may have helped knock some of the infection. I am going to do my workout tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I will back off if need be. I should be able to do lower body without too much of an issue. Everything else we will play by ear. I have to be careful but I can't just be a bum. In a positive note- I lost 2 lbs since I took out the ring. Nothing else has changed. I am pretty happy about that. Maybe its the ring that was causing more issues after all.

I am off to bed. Sleep is a wonderous healer....

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Love this Girl

I like to torture myself by looking on Petfinder. I wish I could rescue every animal! If only I could...

She is so sweet. Check out Rosie's Video. Its cute!

Maybe I can convince the man that she is part of my therapy- for asthma and PCOS.... ummmm yeah.... worth a shot... :P

Okay... back to my bed to dream about dogs and flowers and floating and other weird things... I think I've been half-hallucinating...

Can't Keep A Good Woman Down

I am feeling slightly better than death today. My breathing is pretty shallow and exertion causes a coughing fit. I worried about going to the Urgent Care around here because everyone tells me (including some online reviews) that they wouldn't go there if they were dying. :( I will most likely just go to my jerk doctor tomorrow. Better than the other place. I wanted to do some kind of workout, but I know better. I'll end up in the ER at this pace.

I not going to be kept down, damnit! I will keep fighting. Dates don't matter at this point. I am just not going to be kept down. The world will have to kill me first. I'm just going to keep getting back up. I will not be destroyed. I have to be stronger, harder, wiser. I'm gonna win. I am a fighter.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Hormones... Headaches... Weight

I have an appointment in a week and a half. I need to get some answers. I had to take out the Nuva Ring. It was causing me some issues that I couldn't ignore anymore. The down side? I have killer headaches. Migraines. Hormonally induced headaches that nothing will fix but some other hormones. My neck is hurting from the tension. :( My stomach is in knots. *ugh*

I have lost 1.5lbs since taking the ring out- no other changes in diet or anything. I am truly frustrated right now. Hopefully we can get some hormone things figured out soon. Blood tests are being ordered. I may end up Metformin for Insulin Resistance. Eating clean and pushing hard in my workouts should yield more results. I should be dropping the weight. The only tiny shred of hope I am hanging on to (in order to stay sane) is that I read people with PCOS build muscle faster. So yeah.... Its muscle weight. *ahem*

I have to work today and I don't know how much I can do or how long I will last. If my head is like this all day I might explode. :(

Friday, January 16, 2009

Poo in your own yard!!

Kelly O- this made me think of your vlog yesterday...

FRICKIN JERK! Just let his dog crap in my yard! He lets his dog pee on my flowers in the spring and summer. Grrrrrrrr. Now I just watched him let his dog crap all the way up by my fence. Its not even close to the sidewalk. I am SOOO going to talk to him next time I see him. He didn't even clean it up!! I feel like flinging the dog poo at him! Seriously??? I mean really??? Stupid jerk. Must be nice to not have to clean up any dog crap in your own yard dumb guy! I am going to sit outside with a super soaker or something. lol It was WAY too cold to go running outside right now to yell.

I have asked him to not let his dog pee on my flowers. It kills them. I'm not even irritated at the dog. Its totally the dumb owner. I'll let it go soon enough, but I'm considering putting a sign up. Can I call the police? lol I'm just that pissed off. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its just rude. I wouldn't care if he cleaned it up but he didn't. I don't have a dog. I REALLY want one. I have owned dogs before and never let them dig in people's yards or pee on flowers or poo. If it was unavoidable for them to poo then I cleaned it up. Not the funnest thing, but its the responsible thing darn it! I am not cleaning up dog poo if I don't get the fun and companionship of the dog! Idiots.

K. Rant over. I'm off to get ready for work.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hidden Treasure?

So I was cleaning up around the house and going through some boxes from our move (almost a year ago!-yikes) I FORGOT I bought some velvet material to use as a back-drop for pictures. I think there just might be enough to make a suit! Its like finding a hidden treasure! I'm not sure if I can give someone the material to use to make my suit or what, but it is pretty cool. Its so soft and pretty. :) It also collects lint and hair well. lol

Suit material, shoes, pictures and quotes daily... I have all the reminders and motivations possible. Hopefully getting my hormones straightened out will help. I am going to get healthy, strong and sexy!

I can't believe this- watch the whole thing

This is my last fat birthday

I had wanted to be so much further than I am. I was supposed to be at least 25lbs lighter. But today, I am definitely not anywhere near where I wanted to be. In some ways I am super bummed. Its not like I'm not working hard. Other people I know can just stop drinking pop and eating fast food and the fat comes flying off. Not me. Its frustrating, but years of damage can't be undone that fast I guess. I have to work harder, be more diligent, monitor thing more closely... It is what it is. Despite the frustration of being fat for my 31st birthday, I can say I am healthier than I WAS. I can also say, this is my last fat birthday. Yup. I will never be this way again. Once I get healthier, stronger, sexier- there is no undoing that. Each day is another day away from discomfort, embarrassment, self-doubt & self-consciousness, fear, awkwardness and self-loathing. Each day that I do the right things, eat clean, lift heavy, run or bike hard, each day brings me closer to my ideal self.

Today is my last fat birthday. Its a cause to celebrate!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Baby Its Cold Outside!

Its 5* F outside. Brrr.... Its also snowing... AGAIN. I guess that will teach us all to complain about the gray and non-snowy winters. lol One of these days I will get a webcam and vlog. Then I can show you all my pretty snow.

Today was a rough start, but I'm okay now. I'm working out tonight. I went back to bed and snuggled with the hubby. It was much needed.

I'm hoping my supplements get here soon. I'm guessing I won't see them until next week though. If I would have made it to the meeting I would have been just fine. I am out of UMP and have one more serving of MP. *gasp* I might have to suck it up and get some Muscle Milk. The hubby will definitely use it anyway. Its just not the same.

I have to go get bundled up now. I don't know how people live in Canada or Montana or Minnesota. WAY too cold for me! I saw a report for Minnesota that said -35 feel like -54. Excuse me??? Nothing FEELS like -54! LOL It just feels like death! Things are breaking off your body at that point!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


So I decided to go back to using Fitday. I know I do so much better keeping solid track of things. Thanks Tracy for bringing it up. :) I am having issues getting my Blackberry to work on the site right, but I'll figure something out.

Today I got all my meals in. I had to have another snack- I am STARVING. Weird. I am just thinking its my metabolism. :) I missed the OR in my plan. *doh* Oh well. At least I didn't eat junk. I had an apple and it was like HEAVEN. I LOVE my Gala apples. I feel good and so proud I managed to get all my darn meals in! Woooo!

The District Manager was in today. Kinda annoying having her around every moment, but it was ok. She apparently had some positive things to say about me (which surprised me). The boss won't say what though. He's too busy to talk. *sigh* Whatever. I'll get the scoop from someone else eventually.

Anyway... here is my nutrient breakdown for today. The apple definitely threw the carb numbers up higher, but I think the cals may still be low. Hmmmm... even with the extra snack? Not sure. According to Fitday I burn over 3,000.... In my brain eating over 1000 calories is major. I was on a restricted diet once from an MD that was 1,000 calories and the number has stuck with me since then. It seems like 1400 isn't enough either though... now that I am lifting and working out so much. Hmmmm

Protein- 58% 200g
Fat- 26% 40g
Carbs- 16% 60g

I admit the fat number freaked me out, too. That's from the Natural PB I had with my delicious apple. I'm excited to record tomorrow's numbers. :)

Here's the link to my fitday journal if anyone wants it... Musicgirl

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ah Suits....

I think I really want to stone my own suit. Its not so much about the price- though money is a bit tighter than I like right now. I mostly just want to be creative and do it myself. I like doing things like this. :)

I haven't decided who to go to and if I should just get something with some stones on it already to use as a guide. I've never done anything like this, so it will be all new. :)

I like this blue suit.

I like this one too, though.

I haven't found a turquoise one yet that is in my range. I guess I could email someone for swatches and see if they will just sew a suit...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

A sigh of relief and a fresh start

My new target comp date for now: June 27, 2009 Tracey Greenwood Figure - Philadelphia, Pennslyvania

I may choose to kick it into gear for an OCB show in May, but for now, I'm chilling out. Back in November it was a close enough call to start dropping some weight. Since things are tough and not going as planned, I am just going to wait to do the Lakewood show. They have another in October that I really want to do, too.

I talked to my trainer today and I feel a lot better. I thought that I would actually like carb cycling. I actually kinda do but I think I need something more steady. We discussed a little about the damage I have done to my body of the years of yo-yo dieting. I have done plenty of starvation type diets in my time and my body is a pro at hanging on to fat in case there is a famine. At this point I don't even think straight-up anorexia would make me lose weight. (I'm only half kidding) The plan now is to get my metabolism healed and then revved up. I am going to do something different with my cardio, too. Time to mix up it more.

THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH for yesterday, friends. I really just felt like the ugliest, fattest, grossest chic ever. I put on a new outfit I bought (that actually fits instead of being a baggy mess like most of my clothes, lol) I felt a little better. Then the hubby took a picture of us with the webcab. When I saw myself on camera I was surprised. I still don't like where I am at, but I am doing better. I actually kinda liked me for once.

So now the process is about liking me and getting me healthy instead of trying to get on a stage. I'll get my booty on a stage and rock it soon enough. For now, its about something more important.

(yeah, my hubby is a long haired hippy type! LOL.... and yes he is a musician, too- seriously)

Failure... I am a flower

“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.”
-- Dale Carnegie

“If we don't see a failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personality defect, we will immediately feel overwhelmed.”
-- Anthony Robbins
(wow did that one hit me...)

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."
-- Corita Kent

"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."
-- Mary Pickford

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
-- Confucius

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there."
-- Edwin Louis Cole

Some wise words to reflect on...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Defeated, cheated... challenged?

I hate to post negatives. I just need somewhere to dump this right now. I am feeling so low. :( I feel defeated. Not only has the scale given me the finger, my tummy is bloated. (I'm sure its from the carb up meal). Either way I feel incredibly fat and gross. To seal in this horrible feeling... I went to buy some new clothes for work and well... I just feel like I can never find anything cute. I feel like I am doomed to dumpy, frumpy ugly clothes. Last night I managed to somehow flex and pose just right and I saw the beginnings of - OMG- shoulder caps! Today? Gone. Long gone. Covered in a layer of flabby fluff. :( I felt so horrible after trying on clothes. I feel disgusting and there is no way I am standing in front of anyone taking pictures of this nastiness. White, pasty skin and fat. Oh and can I mention the 7 zits that amazingly appeared in 2 days?? What the hell? I don't get it. I feel like my body is in complete rebellion mode. I still get the occasional acne, but this is CRAZY! I look like I did in 5th grade! *ugh* I feel so ugly and gross. I can't help it. What am I supposed to do?
Our meeting at work this morning was great. (*sarcasm*) The boss told me I can't have anymore weekends off. No more Saturdays. Wha??? The District Manager said no vacations can be guaranteed, either. So.... I will work my heart off trying to make it to a comp to be denied? I am just beyond frustrated. I feel like a prisoner. I feel like I am being cheated out of life. A job that supplies income shouldn't suck the very life out of me. Its not fair. I know life isn't fair, but this isn't the way I want it. I am trying so hard and I just feel like I have failed. I have failed at life. I can't go back to school- not enough money or time. I have nothing to fall back on other than more retail. I am doing my best working out and eating clean and yet my body refuses to change. I feel like I have nothing more to give.

The team meeting is tomorrow. The weather forecast for the state? Snow. Lots of it. 8 inches here by tomorrow. My car absolutely sucks in the snow. I am going to have to leave at 3am to get to the meeting if the weather is that bad. I'll be sick to death the entire drive too. I feel sick thinking about it. :(

This too will pass... its a challenge, right? If not, I'm done. I feel like I am just not capable of dealing with pile of challenges and stress that just got dumped on me. :(
I HAVE to find another way to get income. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Hello Sickness....

Blah. I have been fighting this head cold that has been slowly creeping in. I am a full head of junk right now. My eyes are swollen and my ears hurt. yay. Just in time for my Team Meeting on Saturday. Seriously? I think all the stress from work and trying to workout hardcore is wearing my body down. I haven't gotten enough food in all week. It hasn't been terrible until yesterday. I am trying not to feel defeated, but today I don't have the extra. I think I need the rest. Hopefully I won't get worse and I can workout tonight. After all the nonsense they dropped at work today and the rest they are dropping on Friday... This job is dumb. Its really stressing me out. I'm trying to do "The Secret" thing and put positive out there, but its so hard. I am feeling alone in this struggle. The DH is seriously not seeing how miserable I am. Doesn't matter how much I tell him. I am exhausted. I'm going back to bed now. I'll get up and try to have a more positive attitude. I am a fighter.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Not such a good day

Today was pretty off. I had 3 meals. :( I started to have lunch and I got pulled off. I am so tired of this. I can't kick back hard or my bosses will make it nearly impossible to reach my goals. I hate that they have so much power. :( I am looking every day for a new job, but its not hopeful.

I'm wiped out and I am irritated. Argh!

I did get my workout in this morning...

Monday, January 5, 2009

All over the place... lol

This is going to be all over the place...

First- I just want to say a HUGE thank you to Tea, April, Marissa & Kelly for the support yesterday. It really means a lot and I am very grateful for you!

Second- Strawberry Extract makes my pancakes yummy. Watkins also has other flavors- like peanut butter extract! :P

Random thoughts that stuck out during The Secret last night--

Thoughts become things.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”- Buddha

When you visualize, you materialize.

The feeling will create the attraction.

The “How” will show up, its not my responsibility to worry over that.

“Money comes easy and frequently.” – Good mantra to use

This song came on this morning during my workout... Here are the first few lyrics

"Speed Of Sound"

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

These to verses really speak to me. How long am I gonna stand with my head stuck under the sand? Wow. How long, Hillary? How long? How long are you going to stay afraid and never start or never finish? When are you going to take the chances and opportunities? If you never try, you'll never know.
This is one of the major motivations for doing a figure competition. First its the challenge of getting there. Second, its getting over a lot of mental hang ups that stop me from pursuing anything that I want to try. For multiple reasons (some still unknown to me), I have hidden away under layers of fat, been afraid and paralyzed. I used to be more outgoing. Not a ton, but I would see what I wanted 85% of the time and go get it. I still held out on some things, but not like now.

So... I am in a better frame of mind today. Its all about the process....

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Lost my positive...

:( So what is going on with me?? I've lost my positive. My clothes are looser, I kicked my workouts hard today, I've eaten clean, I'm wearing my cute new pullover in pretty pink... so why the sadness? The answer- I just don't know. I'm just feeling down today. I walked in my shoes today without slipping or tripping. They hurt my feet, but I don't think I'm getting around this fact. Maybe after this year of some competitions I can do the surgery. I don't really get why I feel so sad and bummed out. Its been gray and dreary all day. I'm still being as ass about this weekend's meeting. I'm really just irritating myself. Why can I just not get things together? Why am I constantly fighting my mind? If I can manage to get my mind in the right place during all of this preparation and training.... I just want to be healthy, hot, strong, and mentally comfortable and strong. I want to feel confident and comfortable with myself.

I think a nap and watching The Secret are in store for me very soon. I need something to pick me up and set my mind straight.

Importance of Preparation....

I blew it. Yup. I have already fallen on my face. Its okay, I'm back on track, but it still frustrates me. The last two days at work have been hellacious. Friday I didn't even get a 5 minute break. I snarfed on some chicken while getting stuff for a customer, but I had planned for a full lunch to grab a salad since I was out of lettuce and stuff. I also didn't have any protein powder or bars stashed in my locker. While I am not supposed to have any carbs other than veggies and fruits, I'm sure going for 8 damn hours without eating is worse. :( I have now put a bottle of protein powder in my locker and I have some RTDs back there, too. (I was out of that as well). Friday was horrible. I even got yelled at while eating my chicken! I took less than 3 minutes to inhale it and I was still working in the back. What the hell? Saturday they almost skipped me but I pretty much told them they can stick it. I didn't ask to go to lunch I just told them I was going. THE END. They looked at me with big eyes and said, "ok". So I did good with lunch, but I didn't get my meal in before dinner and I was starving. I ate my chicken and veggies but I was still hungry. I *wanted* dairy. I wanted anything like ice cream or chai. I caved. I *could* have made a protein shake and at worst used milk, but nope. I had to have the real thing. :( I'm so mad at myself, but I am moving on. Today is a new day. I can't undo it. I can only work harder.

Today is prep day. I am cooking and packing up meals for the week. NO EXCUSES. It sucks to fight with the management- they can really make things hard, but I am standing my ground. I have to. I am 13 weeks out and to be honest I just don't think it going to happen. My weight keeps yo-yoing. :( Before yesterday, my weight has been up and down and all around. It keeps coming back to the starting point and its ticking me off. Its always up after rest days (or the day after that). I know the last few days have been screwy and I am back down a pound, but 2 weeks of this carb cycling and I only 1 lb less? Grrr. I am going to push harder in my cardio. I'll figure out how to get over the fatigue. Hopefully my neck and shoulders will stop hurting soon. This is getting old. I am going to keep working hard. Hopefully, even if I don't make my current goal show, the prep for whatever show I aim for next won't be too crazy. I can't wait to get to my maintenance weight. How nice will that be.... I'm dreaming of that moment and some time in Aruba. :)

I'm cleaning and preparing. I'm getting my workouts in early so I can't be sidetracked by anything. Being tired is a state of mind.

Off I go!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Oh boy... Comps I am looking at...

So my participation in any of these will be based on things like time off of work and money, where my physique is at, etc. But for now, these are some of the shows I am entertaining in my brain. As I learn more about competing, the industry and where my online friends will compete, these may change. :)

For now, here's my list:

April 4, 2009 Natural Ohio Open Figure - Lakewood, Ohio

April 25, 2009 Fox Cities Bodybuilding & Figure - Little Chute, Wisconsin
(Marissa- we'll see what I can swing!)

(If I haven't made it to either of the previous shows, then I will shoot for a May show)

May 30, 2009 Julie Palmer's Ultimate Figure Showdown - Toledo, Ohio

June 27, 2009 Tracey Greenwood Figure - Philadelphia, Pennslyvania

October 3, 2009 Natural Northern USA Figure - Lakewood, Ohio

October 31, 2009 Monster Mash Natural Figure - Middletown, Ohio

So my plans are still for Figure, but I am hoping to have a clearer picture after our team meeting to see if Julie thinks I should go figure or bikini. I still don't know which I would be better for. In the end I wanna be hot! :P I want to maintain a fitness model physique, so... we'll see. Lots of bikini comps this year, too.

I'm also considering a FAME show. That's still up in the air. I think I should just focus on April for now and then maybe the Philly show if a lot of gals are doing that.

Now... if only I could walk in these heels.... lol

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Day One of 2009

Well, this is it. This is the first day of 2009. The first day of a new year and the newest version of me. I have a lot of expectations for myself. I am purging old clothes and other items I don't need anymore. That also includes getting rid of all this unnecessary and unwanted fat. I'm only keeping what is required to function at a healthy level.

I have a calendar set up. Its going to include basics like work schedule, changing air and water filters in the house, bill due dates, etc. I am also putting in comp dates and meetings and trainings.

I am already on an awesome path for today. Workouts done, water is on pace and clean eats abound. ;) I am pumped and I am making a points to remember this feeling and hold onto it for the next month. Let's just see what happens when I give this 110%. Other things can wait for now. This month is pivitol. What I accomplish this month will help decide what I do in April.

As for the year ahead... well these are things I am adding to my general goal list...

By January 15th (my birthday): Goal Weight- 168 (or less)

By February 14th (Valentine's day): Goal Weight- 158 (or less)

By March 7-9th (Arnold!): Goal Weight- 146 (or less)

Things I want to do this year:

* Skydiving
* Ice Skating in Central Park
* Take Dance Lessons
* Do a figure show with some friends from BFL Tracker

Things I want (yeah I want and need some "stuff"):

* Select Tech Dumbbells
* Laptop
* Treadmill
* A dog- I found the sweetest girl who will fit in our household. I may get her for my birthday present! :P (Pink)
* A Tropical Vacation
* A new job- with awesome pay and benefits, less stress, enjoyable work environment... or to work for myself.

That's it for now... Tomorrow I will start inspirational quotes. Today is just another day of conquering myself. My mind is my own worst enemy. I aim to make it my best friend this year.

SUPER THANKS- to Tea and April. I really appreciate your support- especially on my last post.

Thanks to everyone else as well. You have all helped me in so many unspeakable ways. I hope 2009 brings you and your friends and family great opportunities and much love and happiness!