Thursday, October 30, 2008

Just for Today...

As most of you know, things have been wacky in my life. Hormones, money, my old boss is coming back to my work (this is not good)... Life happens, though. I get overwhelmed and I tend to shut down. I am working hard on breaking this pattern. I refuse to call it a bad habit or bad pattern. Its just a pattern that I developed as a coping and self-protective mechanism. I made it through some terrible times using this technique. Today, I am doing my best to try something different. Today my walk in the park gave me this:

Just for today, I will eat clean.

Just for today, I will give my workout 100%.

Just for today, I will breathe deep and give thanks for my life.

Just for today, I will honor my needs- mental, physical & spiritual.

Just for today I will and love deeply and laugh loudly.

Just for today, I will focus on TODAY. I cannot change yesterday and tomorrow has not yet arrived.

Just for today, I will live for.... TODAY.

I plan to reread this daily. I spend too much time in the past and future. I miss things of today. I will be smart about my shopping for foods, etc. But I am not going to dwell on things. I will stay in the present moment as much as I can. And if I find myself thinking of the past or future, I will simply be grateful and come back to now.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Its My Ovaries, Stupid! & surgery

It's My Ovaries, Stupid! is an incredibly insightful and life-changing book by Dr. Elizabeth Lee Vliet. I have a feeling by the time I finish it things will be easier for me. I'm still hormonal and wacky. Its been really tough to not kill someone on some days. Other days I am sweet as sugar and fun to be around. Then I plummet back down to dark depths of hell and give the devil a run for his evil money. Anyway. I HIGHLY recommend this book for any woman. Its answered A LOT of questions so far and I feel like things aren't "just in my head". This just further backs up the importance of a healthy diet and exercise. There is a wealth of information. Check out the link. I think its worth the investment (which is lass than $15!)

I had a follow up appointment about my foot surgery. Looks like I am going for it. I won't be having it done until January or February- still deciding on a date. Its going to put me on my duff for 8 weeks and then I can walk again. I'll be in an aircast for another 3 weeks. So guess who will be killing upper body workouts in the spring. Its going to push the April comp off. Kinda bummed about that. :( I just don't know how much longer I can really wait. I'm in constant pain now. I am going to hit the next 10-12 weeks as hard as I can. TONS of cardio and LBWO. UBWO's and abs too of course, but I think I am going to work in legs 2x per week. I need all the help and work I can get before I am immobile. :( The good side is that I will be worked on by a top notch surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic. I am hoping that by getting in the best health I can be in before surgery will help my down time. Its possible to heal in 6 weeks instead of 8 and get down to 2 weeks in the aircast. Best case 8 weeks, worst 12-14 weeks. If I do the surgery early enough, I can get to the Arnold afterall. I'll be on crutches, but I'll get to go...

Time to go back to fall cleaning... and it is snowing, btw...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

One Day at a Time

First I want to thank you ladies who have been so supportive, encouraging and "butt-kicking" when I needed you. (((HUGS))) I really do appreciate it. I am sorry I have sucked at commenting lately. The truth is, I am just depressed. I felt myself slipping and I just couldn't stop falling. I retreat when I am sad and hurting. I hope no one has been offended by my lack of communication. I suck at being vulnerable. :(

Right now I am taking one day at a time. I am back to doing BFL with Tae Bo and Tony workouts mixed in. Its been a huge struggle for me, but I had to make the decision to stop training with Tony. :( Finances are one part of the equation. I am trying not to be overwhelmed. I have the right foods in the house and I know what needs to be done. I am just focusing on each day. There is no tomorrow or yesterday. There is only what I can do to be healthy and make progress TODAY.

I feel like the cards are stacked against me. I have the infamous "tennis elbow" in my right arm. Lifting has been a struggle with some exercises. Even lifting my water jug out of the refrigerator causes shooting pain. *sigh* Little support in the "real world" (only the cyber world offers me hope lately). My hormones are totally whacked still. :( I'm giving it one more cycle on the ring before I call the doc. I have some sort of sinus deal that just won't leave me. I wake up every morning coughing up crap and my head is filled with more crap. I can't breathe through my nose. Seriously. Does my body just hate me? I wish I could go to a magic place and be "cleansed" or "healed" of all imbalances and just start fresh. This feeling broken is getting old.

I am trying to look at my adversities as obstacles to overcome. I usually like a good challenge and typically if you tell me I can't or shouldn't or won't, then I accept the challenge to prove you wrong. Lately, I just feel lethargic and apathetic. Who cares? Maybe I can't. Blah. I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring something better.
I am going to commit to doing a few things regularly that I think will help me find some balance.

1. Breathe Right Strips every night
2. Neti Pot Cleansing daily
3. 1 gallon+ water daily
4. 1 cup minimum of Tulsi Tea (if you haven't had this, its a must!!)
5. Vitamin Pack, Flax Oil, Evening Primrose Oil & Biotin daily
6. One yoga session (minimum) a week

I signed up for the BFL Tracker Fall Challenge. I aim to win it. I need to pull my head out of the depressed funk I am in. In addition to having a totally hot birthday suit by completion (my birthday is a few days before the end of my challenge), I am going to get a dog as my reward. Its a hot point with the hubby, but I am making some changes in that arena. *I* need to start living for ME. I am doing this challenge for me. After the challenge I may need to give and have foot surgery. (The pain is getting severe. *boo*) I will not be having surgery until I am healthy and fit. Better get the booty moving.... One day at a time. I can do this.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Back in the cage

So one of my big motivations and major goals had to do with my anniversary and my husband. I wanted to look really good and feel good for our anniversary. I wanted my husband to be proud of me. Without going into details, let me just say that that was a wasted goal. I need to do this for me and me only. My weight loss process (working out a lot, eating clean, etc) has taken a toll on my relationship. I have noticed a distinct pattern. When I eat freely and skip workouts *I* feel like junk but DH is happy I am around more and sharing meals with him. (he can eat ANYTHING without any obvious effect. I think its metabolized before it hits his stomach. LOL)
I don't like this pattern.
There are a lot of underlying things going on and it breaks my heart. Every argument is my fault because I am cranky or I am attacking him, etc. He always manages to turn things back on me. I neglect him. I am in a bad mood. I am picking at him, etc.
I feel like I am trapped. I feel like for a little bit this bird grew her wings a little and started stretching her wings and exploring her home. Now I feel like my wings are clipped and I am stuffed back in the cage. Back in the cage to look out through the bars and the window and watch all the other birds spread their wings and fly.
I feel like I may never fly.

amazing what cleans will do

I feel way better now that I have flushed the sugar out of my system.

Good clean eating and lots of water does a body good. :)

I just need to get back on track for cardio. I need a new stepper. I hate using my bike so I have really slacked lately.

Ah. Gotta go back to work.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Focusing on the positive...

At least trying anyway.
I am keeping mum about something that has been bothering me greatly. One day I will share it. For now though.... its still an antagonizing secret. lol

I wish that I was in a good place to be complacent. I'm not. I need to drop a minimum of 30lbs to get healthy. Right now I've been feeling like an exhausted slug. I am seriously getting to the point of sleeping if I am not at work or eating. I am craving sugar like no other. It almost makes me drive to the store! I have protein shakes I could drink and lots of other healthy foods to eat. Don't want them at all. And I doubt as much as I want a tasty protein shake with fruit to calm the urge, that it really will. :( Good news is I haven't given into Ben & Jerry or any other major sanfu. Its just been a nibble here and a hot chocolate there. *sigh*

So back to positives... I haven't done *that* badly. LOL

1.) I have gotten the same comment from customers 12 times in the last month!! "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Nicole Kidman?" :D I love Nicole Kidman. From time to time I see the facial resemblance. (No way would our figures be close). I even had one guy tell me it was too bad I didn't have an Aussie accent. Ummm, okay? lol So yeah, it makes me feel good. I tried to find a picture that resembled Nicole, but I didn't find one yet. I even had a waitress in a restaurant come over to ask me if I was related! HAHAHAHA- I wish! It does boost the ego when its down and lonely.

2.) The ladies at work are telling me I am getting skinny! LOL Yeah, this booty ain't skinny, but I appreciate it anyway. I need to just bust through a size or two of clothing because its getting expensive to buy new clothes that I don't want to stay in.

3.) Not weight related- I am kicking butt in sales this month. I should have a decent paycheck in Nov. I need it. Last month killed my budget. I am feeling more positive about money at the moment.

4.) I have SERIOUS DOMS! Melissa mentioned her DOMS and its soo true. After some sketchy workout weeks, I pushed HARD the last two days and I am loving it! I can barely wash my hair! LOL

Okay. I know there are lots of positive things in life. These are the things that are keeping my head above the water right now.

Oh and just because I wanna share:

I feel so empowered by this picture of Julie Lohre. It has been my inspirational picture since I began BFL. Thank you Julie for inspiring me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Devil! (and more)

Peanut Butter is the devil!
Sooooo tasty! Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

I could eat a jar full. Why is it one day the PB and I are great just a little bit with my apple just like I am allowed and then..... it calls to me another day. Just one more scoop. Just one more lick. Just one more freakin' jar! I didn't do it. I didn't eat the jar. Just a spoonful more.

I am on target today so far. :) I like that! I feel really good after having this 3-day weekend. I sooo needed it. I left work on a good note Thursday. I am on target and making money. More money = less stress, among other things.

I love having energy for once. :) And I love my Bev Int. UMP. I've been trying some other stuff for the last few weeks and its just NOT the same! I look forward to my shakes and it mixes in oatmeal WAAAAAY better. :)

I'm off to do laundry and make some crock pot chili. :D I'll post a pic and a recipe later. Not sure how approved it is for everyone since our plans are different, but its a clean recipe. :)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Too Cute!

Not fitness related, but if a pug can do it, so can I! lol I had mixed feelings about this at first- for safety, but this guy takes his pug all over the place and does a ton of cool stuff. Its not the first time the dog has been out of the house. This guy blogs about his love for his pug and took safety seriously into account. So.... without further ado....

The Problem With Perfection

Growing up, the standard for me was perfection. The thing is, that bar continually moves. Its like the proverbial dangling carrot. Going for perfection means you will continually keep running after your goal, right? Wrong. Running after perfection means you run and run and run until you fail. There are several issues with perfection. One is that it is an unattainable goal. Two is that it produces a multitude of undesirable side effects when not achieved.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't push yourself to be the very best YOU can be. I am saying that the measure of "perfection" is always changing and fluctuating. One moment its a if I reach X - goal I will be perfect. If I run X-fast, or have a size X waist, or win X- prize, or if my breasts are X cup.... We always want more for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with continuing to improve and striving for the best of ourselves. The main trouble comes when our happiness depends on reaching perfection. I'll say that again. The main problem with perfection is when our happiness depends on reaching that perfection.

My entire childhood revolved around pleasing others. I had to be the perfect daughter, granddaughter, student, musician, dog trainer, cousin, etc. I had to be perfect so that everyone would love me. I wanted so badly to be perfectly loved. Inevitably I couldn't earn the love I was seeking. I was good at a lot of things, but not perfect. I could never reach that dangling carrot. To this day I struggle with that. Sure I like to win and be the best I can be. I have to be careful though and re-evaluate my motives some times. Am I doing X for me or is it because I seek the approval of others? If the answer is approval and acceptance from others then I have a problem.
When I start seeking to reach the mount of perfection I have learned to take a step back. The only thing I can truly seek after is inner peace and the joy of doing the very best I can every time. Those two things will lead to being the very best me possible.

Edited to add:

I often times find myself paralyzed by the inability to achieve perfection. When I can't do something "just right" I tend to run away from it and not do it at all. Or sometimes I stand there paralyzed wishing I could do it perfectly.
As life often does, I came across this blog that coincides "PERFECTLY" with what I have been thinking about... Check it Out!

What Would Buffy Do?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I've been challenged!

So I have been challenged by some of the guys at work. They want me to go work out with them. LOL. They have NO idea! I ain't movin' no sissy weight around BOYZ! Hee hee. I'm not sure if I will go, but its tempting. Hmmm. If tomorrow is back I will more than likely go. I am in need of heavier weight! I guess the push I was looking for is here. I was hopin for girl power tho! LOL
I feel better today overall and this just gave me a boost! :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Thank YOU!

Thank you Liimu, Melissa, Porsha & Tracy!

Thank you for the support, the hugs, the kick-in-the-pants and the advice. :)
I really appreciate it!

I did do my lifting today. That felt good. I'm glad I did it. I am feeling better having gone to the grocery store, too. I am more stressed out about money than I realized. :( It is darn expensive to eat healthy...

Anyway... again- THANK YOU!! You ladies are the BEST!!!

When Falling Off the Wagon....

When Falling Off the Wagon, its best to fall off the back instead of diving off the front. I have fallen off the wagon and gotten run over by it! I have been doing well for 75% of my meals and that is NOT good. (Although I will admit not stressing out about what I eat is a relief! Sure that chai isn't healthy, but its so yummy...) I can't seem to make myself work out- not even my favorite workouts. I'm being a brat. I am crossing my arms in front of my chest and pouting saying "I don't wanna!"

Ummmmm.... WTH?? I know that I eat poorly when I am mad. I've been pretty frustrated with someone. It doesn't justify it by any means, but it could explain why I have such a crap attitude. I really dislike where I am right now. In fact, I dislike me. With my time off last month from being sick, I didn't meet my goals and my commission check is down by over $300. :( Yeah, I know- still no excuse. It all boils down to having a bad attitude. I'm not afraid of anything at this point. I'm just angry. Sabotaging my body makes sure other people can't enjoy it. See how twisted *THAT* is??? I don't like not meeting goals, lacking in money, sabotaging myself... having jacked up mindsets....

Oh and I am bad granddaughter too. I am having issues coping with my grandmother's Alzheimer's. I grew up with her dragging me to nursing homes every week so we could bring the dogs in for the elderly to pet and play with. So many of them had Alzheimer's and it scared me. They use to latch onto me thinking I was someone else. Its tough for me to see my grandmother go down this road. We all knew it would come. She has been saying she would get it for at least 25 years. :( Just one more thing I am not good at I guess.

I don't like this funk. Why do I seem to fall at 8 weeks? I start tripping and stumbling and then I just fall off completely. Grrrr. I am so frustrated at myself. Its like I stand outside myself and yell- Go work out now! and the other part of me pouts and behaves like a child throwing a tantrum. I know I will feel better if I can just kick my own arse in gear.
I just wish this road wasn't so lonely for me. I wish I had a friend I could push hard with. My sister in law is good for walks in the park, but aside from that, I don't think she wants to lift- at least not push it hard. There is a new gym opening up soon. Maybe I can get up the courage and funding to join it.

Alright... enough babbling. I'm going to go sit by my weights and hopefully lift them.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Further proving my hormones are whack...

After 2 days of new hormones.... I'm back down from the 3lbs up. (I wish I could say it was from bustin butt on cardio, but its not)
I am at 180 even (which still pisses me off). I was in the 170's darn in! I want to be in the 160's by Halloween. I don't care if its 169.9. LOL I just want to break through this stuck-ness. I can and WILL get to the low 170's. I am putting some Tae Bo into my cardio. I need some shakin' up. It always makes me feel strong and powerful. I'll still do my assigned cardio, but I need to confuse my body again. I seriously adapt WAY too quickly. When I change my diet and/or exercise patterns I lose again. After about 3-4 weeks I get stuck. Happened with BFL and seems to be happening again. TONY! Are you there? Its been almost a month since we last talked. :( I need some mind motivation and maybe some change... :P

Alright... off to work. Its soooo pretty outside. I wanna play instead!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Our Deepest Fear

This hit me today...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory that is within us. And as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela Inaugural Speech, 1994

Friday, October 3, 2008

So that's what's been going on

Nope, not pregnant. LOL Everyone at work has decided I need to be pregnant. I guess while I was having stomach/ulcer issues they were all hoping. WTF? I'm the one that would have to raise the kid... how does everyone else get to wish that on me? LOL

Anyway.... went to a new OB/GYN.... LOVE HIM! Yep. HIM. I never had a male "girl parts doctor". I don't know that I will ever have a female again. The women I have gone to have been... well, bitchy! They have been rough and condescending. This doc was FAB. He talked WITH me and we went over what has been happening with me since... I became initiated into womanhood. :p He feels I have PCOS- explains the lumps in my breasts, depression, insulin resistance, weight issues, acne and chin hair. He put me on the Nuva Ring and recommended trying Inositol to see if that helps with my weight. There are tests to be done, but as of now it seems things are mild enough and treatable. I hope this helps stabilize me a bit. One minute I am on top of the world, only to come crashing down. From my recent research, serotonin levels are affected by PCOS because of the inositol and supplementing is supposed to help with that as well. Also a Tony diet is pretty much prescribed to help with the resistance.

I feel relieved that I wasn't shoved in and out of my appointment. I was treated well and I think I have some answers. I am happy with that.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm sportin the new ring (Nuva) and I am hoping to rock out a good workout. I've failed miserably at everything this week. Gotta get out of this funk...

Off to bed with me.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


I decided to get a move on. Enough emotional drama for today. Thankfully tomorrow is my dr. appt. Hopefully we can get a different pill so my hormones aren't so darn whacked! You all must think I am a bi-polar roller coaster ride! Anyway... here is 10 weeks... (really 8 since I had the ulcer issue and didn't do crap for 2 weeks)

Challenging day

So yesterday was a better day at work, but I didn't get all my meals in nor did I get extra cardio in. Knowing what I know about my body I shouldn't have been surprised AT ALL at what I saw. UP 3 frickin pounds. ARE YOU SERIOUS?????? I actually yelled that at the scale today. Why does 1 imperfect day have such a dramatic effect? I can be as perfect as possible and move down very little. I would also like to know where that weight went. My clothes are looser... so where the heck is that three pounds shoved? In my boobs would be just fine. Everything else... no thanks. I think one day a sledgehammer is going to meet that scale. I know better. I know to stay off the damn thing. I know it only torments my mind. I like to delude myself into thinking my mind is strong enough. I should let the UP motivate me to push harder. I'm just pissed anyway. I'll be over it soon enough. Tomorrow I better be back to where I was. I drank enough water. Maybe today I should start back with ACV/Lemon. I'm just scared to screw up my stomach. It started hurting again yesterday. :(

How is it possible to be this hormonal after PMS? I am feeling weepy this morning. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant- like super preggo ready to give birth. I didn't know it for a good while- and nobody else did either. I finally realized it- and that was emotional enough in my dream (for the record we don't intend on having children for multiple reasons, but every once in awhile... I get that flicker). Anyway I had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl with a full head of red hair. There was a lot of concern before the birth if she was even alive- since I didn't know I was pregnant and had been taking prescriptions and having x-rays, etc. It was very strange having all these emotions and this morning I feel... weepy, sad... I feel like I lost something when I woke up. At first I felt warm and happy and then the realization set in as I woke up. I don't even get this. Usually pregnant/birth dreams mean giving birth to ideas, etc. Its going to take awhile for me to process this one. Every other night this week I have been dreaming about competitions and Cori (PRO!) and Tony being at my job. LOL This was waaaaay off normal for me. Maybe it was the 10 babies I saw at work yesterday. Dang it hormones, leave me alone!

So, a weepy, hormonal wake up, a mean scale, and hunger make for a very interesting start to the day. I need to go bust out some serious workouts, but I had to get this off my chest. I feel better having written down and cried a bit. Now I can move forward.

I have to ask this- HOW the heck to you all reach T? I seriously haven't been able to talk to him in 3 weeks. He's responded once to an email. Do I just have to keep calling? I feel like ... unloved. lol I'm in a place now where I need some help. I feel alone in this right now. I know he is busy, but I have never been one to fight for attention- something T already eluded to. LOL I guess I should just bug him on the phone. I just feel bad. I feel like I am not as important as other clients are.
*sigh* Stupid self esteem...

Okay my emotional self is gonna go workout so I can feel like a person again.