Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Having a moment

So I am having one of those moments. Its one where I am sitting here wondering what I am really thinking. Do I REALLY want to do this competition thing? Seriously? I look like a damn elephant stumbling around on slippery floors in these shoes. I'm good for a few steps and I get all confident and then its like ice skates. :( poo! My foot hurts a lot- its the one I was supposed to have surgery on next month. :( I need to lose more weight before I put myself down for 8 weeks.

I know everyone has moments in this process. I keep thinking there isn't a way for me to make my original comp date so why push so hard? Why? Because I HATE being this damn fat. Its now gotten to the point where I am getting pissy. Just get off my body, damnit! It didn't take me long to put on the 60+ pounds after we got married. In fact, 6 months after we got married the DH lost his job. I was stressed and financially burdened. Food was my only solace. My DH was going through a range of emotions and his business didn't take off too well. I felt so alone and angry. Cheap boxed, chemically laden, high sugar, high sodium, high fat food was what we could afford. When I needed extra support, there was always something easy to munch on. The weight started 6 months after we got married and 6 months after that I was huge. I would add 10lbs and then drop it and then add it again.

I feel so inept. I am so insecure and I hate it. I am watching old classic films. The way the people danced... *sigh* I feel like I will never be light enough or FREE enough to do that. I am so doubtful of my physical abilities. I feel like my feet are rooted somehow to the ground. Any attempt to dance or jump seems like major effort. :( I love ice skating and haven't gone since I weighed 126 lbs in college. I was thinking of starting with that. Maybe skating and feeling less weighed down would help break this mind trap. I want to dance. I want to move without restrictions. This fat suit needs to go!

I am worried about the team meeting. I am so hung up on looking like a big clutz. The group workout thing is making me anxious. I need to wear blinders so I can't see how behind I am. I'd like to be inspired, but mostly I end up feeling bad that I let myself get this way in the first place.

One thing I can say is that in 2008 I realized a lot of things. I became aware of many habits and thought processes. I am still working on redirecting and overcoming, but at least I am aware now. 2009 will be successful. No matter what happens, I am going lose the fat suit, dance and smile a lot more.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I ordered my shoes. I hope they arrive by Wednesday so I can start practicing... its going to take a lot of work to not kill myself in these things. lol

I am nervous about the team meeting in January. I hate being so darn self-conscious. I feel socially awkward, too. I just have to remember we are there to learn and support each other, not compare and criticize. So what if everyone thinks I am the fat chic who has no business being there? SO what? What happens if that's true? Does that mean I am any less capable? NO.

So... when I get my shoes I am gonna practicing walking in them like I BELONG in them. Because I do.

And He Said....

" Stop worrying about the scale and eat more chicken."


Sometimes my hubby IS right. lol

Scale, I hate thee... Sleep, I miss thee

I have heard and read so many good things about low carb/ carb cycling / Anabolic diet, etc. My trainer has me on some variation of these, though I won't get into specifics on it. I am just a gumpy bear. :( I know lower carb is better for me as a general rule. Too many carbs and I feel like a slug. Even just a correct portion size of complex carbs can do it to me. Anyway.... so I am following my diet without any cheats or variations. I am also following my workout schedule exactly. The only thing that is off is my sleep schedule. The DH has been sleeping in the bed instead of staying up all night working and chatting. That is messing me up. While I love him, I can't sleep with him hanging on me. Then he wakes me up at some stupid hour because he's feeling in the mood. Seriously. A man is gonna get hurt.

I felt great the first couple of days - but I was getting sleep. The last few have sucked! I am just irritated. I see the scale is up from a few days ago and I just want to chuck it across the room. I'm not working this hard for nothing, dangit! Scale, work with me here! Body, you can cooperate too. The mind is getting irritable. Someone could get hurt. :P

I'm just feeling all pissy-like this morning. Hubby woke me up way before my alarm and I don't think I can get back to sleep. I have too much to do today. Thanks a lot for keeping me awake the last few nights and then waking me up way too early on my day off. Thanks. And thanks scale for being a jerk, too. The scale has to be a male!

I hope to be back with a better attitude later.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

If she can do it, so can I!

Tiffany Forni started at 235 lbs. She won her first figure show. Now she does fitness modeling on the side.



Its been a struggle for me at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm too fat to try. Seeing someone like Tiffany helps a ton! She started at a higher weight than me. And now she looks fab! I lost 30 lbs this year. Not as much as I hoped for, but not too shabby either! I am looking to complete my fat loss journey in 2009- preferably in the beginning. Sure there will be tweaking, etc. but no major losses once the bulk comes off. :)

I have done well this week. It hasn't been easy. I do hope it gets a little easier with the carb cravings. And being a little less edgy would be good. I think its just the initial carb withdrawl. Afterall, I lived on almost carbs alone for quite a few years. Well, carbs and fat. I can look back and see how I basically helped reduce my muscle to minimal levels. Its frightening when I think about it. I'm so glad I am on the right track now.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Feeling better

So, I feel better this morning.

Last night was funny. My veins were all popped out! You could actually see veins that I didn't even know were there! lol I thought FOR SURE I was going to weigh a ton this morning. I still feel fluffy, but the scale stayed the same! I am off to do some cardio and legs. I am going to use the carbs to my advantage. :)

I miss my oatmeal! I'll survive. I get it on Mondays and Thursdays. So its not completely gone.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. It was rough for me, but I'm moving forward. I promised DH that next year would be awesome. I'll be able to wear my sexy santa suit-complete with the fur trimmed boots! ;)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Had some carbs. Feel a little better.

I was going to delete my last post, but I want to be honest. I experience the ups and downs. I prefer to be positive, but I needed to get my feelings out. Maybe someone else can relate...

Anyway... I just didn't want the negative hanging around on the blog list...


Today was a difficult day in so many ways. Food was actually not the monumental struggle it could have been. I think so many other things were weighing heavily on me that food wasn't that important to my senses.

I always get a little sad this time of year. No particular incident or memory, I just always have. As a teen I remember being sad a lot this time of year. I miss the innocence of Christmas. Working retail has ruined a lot for me. I get to see the ugliness of people.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection today. I feel like I have failed at life. I am not as strong as I once thought I was. I allowed myself to feel destroyed. My weight spiraled out of control, my jobs have taken a negative turn, and I just feel like the passion has left me. :(

I work a job that I hate- not because the tasks are hard (it is actually boring now). Its that my tasks require me to do something I can no longer be comfortable doing. I was never really comfortable, but survival kicked in. I am tired of hard selling people. I hate it. Its not right. I hate the constant nagging to tell customers they need something, they have to have x,y,z, its free for 30 days, etc. Its not cool. I am not considered valuable by my company because I don't feel I should be selling this way. I want people to get what they truly need. Sometimes that is the whole package. Sometimes, its not.

I feel like I may never be at peace unless I have my own business. In this economy, I haven't a clue what to do. I don't think I can sell enough calendars to make it. I just want to be me. How can I get to that point? I feel frightened by the world sometimes. Its not filled with nice people. I think I might be too nice and naive. Why is it such a bad thing to expect honesty and ethics? Morals? Are you out there?

I feel so burdened. I want to break free. I want to have time for me. I am trying to redo my health. I am trying to undo damage and sculpt an even better shape out in the process. I want to feel safe and at peace again. I want some time for mental clarity.

I want to help others in any way that is best. I want to laugh and love and smile... I want people to feel comfortable talking with me and I want people to feel better having interacted with me.

I know there is much to be grateful for. It just frustrates me that I should be grateful for a job that treats me (and many others) so poorly just because so many other people are losing their jobs.

I am praying for a better opportunity to come along. I need some steady income and a steady schedule would be great. One that allows for some time off for competitions! I am a great person. I can be good at anything once I learn. I just need to pull out my resume and give myself a pep talk...

I am not giving up. Today was just so overwhelming. I felt so alone. I am trying to keep my head up. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully after a night of sleep I will have some clarity about what to do next.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

“Nothing external to you has any power over you.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love this quote. I really need to take it to heart. I struggle with being a victim when I don't need to. Nothing and NO ONE has power over me. Mean people suck, but that doesn't mean I should eat. If I do, I gave them power. The awesome smelling baked goods can be a pleasure to my nose, but not to my tongue. If I eat them, I give them power. Am I not more powerful than a cookie???? Of course I am. I am stronger than that. So far so good today. I am at the end of Day 3 for basically no carbs but veggies. I have to make it through to tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I get the motherload of carbs. lol I might freak out into euphoria. lol Its a good thing I am getting it Thursday night. I have to work Friday and I might hurt someone otherwise. :P

I want to cave and eat sugar, but I know its not the way to get things done. I don't have much time. I am basically 14 weeks out. I am praying for a miracle. I am just going to do my best. Nothing less is acceptable. Its going to be great to look back 14 weeks from now and go- WOW. I really busted my butt! Look how awesome I am. ;)

Okay, off to make some approved meals.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Gray Day

Today was a rough day for me. I just felt sad all day for no apparent reason. I am TOTALLY stressed about my job. The bigwigs are at it again. I am all for challenges, but when you start making the hurdles bigger and bigger and then throw a skyscraper on the track and say "hurdle this", its doesn't work. I feel like we are all just standing at the base of the tower, looking up, scratching our heads and asking how we are gonna manage that? *sigh* Dark, gloomy skies aren't the best for me either. Stress, gray skies, and being tired. I ate clean!! I didn't fail at eating and that makes me happy. I wanted to accomplish more around the house today. Its a disaster. I slept a lot again. I think I just need it. I suppose the sudden reduction in carbs probably has an effect as well. I actually like it better this way, but its an adjustment. I think I need to either go tanning or get one of those SAD lights. Low carbs, work stress and gray skies = trouble. I need to get ahead of the game now.

I have been looking at shoes all day. I can't decide what size heel. 4" sounds a little more doable. I was thinking for my first show, maybe start with that. 5" heels would make me 6'! Whoa! :) Strap or no strap? Little platform or none at all? I am nervous about this because my dang feet hurt in flat shoes as it is. I will eventually have to give in and have surgery on my feet. I was supposed to do it this January, but I would rather get into awesome shape first and compete.

Here are my shoe choices so far...

I'm leaning no strap, but I'm afraid I might need it! lol

Monday, December 22, 2008

Is Someone getting the Best of You?

I had this in my mp3 rotation this morning while I worked out. Really got me thinking...

"Best Of You"

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I can't imbed the video because the Foo Fighters apparently don't want anyone to do that. :(

Here's the link instead... Best of You

Sunday, December 21, 2008


So its time to think about 2009. I have a ton of things I want to accomplish and sadly some of these items have been on my list in years past. Some things are more like rituals (like our classic movie date night). Others are the forever goals of losing weight and learning to dance. This is the last time these will appear on my goal list. If I don't make it happen this year, then tough luck. I will certainly add a little more before the year is up, but here is my list for now.

2009 Goals

1. Get into the best health of my life- reduce BF, increase bone density, etc
2. Drop 50lbs – reduce body fat into teens.
3. Compete in a figure/bikini competition (and win)
4. Learn to dance- ballroom and latin
5. Go Ice Skating in Central Park
6. Pose and create Pin-Up calendar for hubby ( really important to me)
7. Watch one classic film a month (date night)
8. Take pictures and put together 2010 calendar
9. Enter 1 photo in the Medina County Fair
10. Put scrapbook together for grandma
11. Do Scorpion pose (yoga)
12. Develop business idea (be my own boss!)
13. Re-landscape yard
14. Go camping and hiking 3x this year
15. Go on Vacation – somewhere warm and awesome! (Aruba?)

Dance inspiration:

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Losing sight

I think I figured out what happened this week. I lost sight of my goals. As it became clear that I wouldn't make it to the Team meeting this weekend, my determination faded. I was definitely exhausted, but it was so much harder to resist the breadsticks and yummy treats everyone had and to push HARD in my workouts.
I took my eye off my other goals. It was a mini goal of mine to lose some weight before our meeting. When that goal became null, I fell apart. I forgot about my Christmas Goal, My New Year's goal, the following meeting and my birthday...April is so far away and now it seems impossible. :( I am not going to let that get stuck in my head, but I am trying to stay realistic.

I am heading to the Rec Center later and doing my first workout of my new plan from Julie. I know I will feel more accomplished.

I have got to stay focused!

I want one of these:

She looks fab!

I got my new workouts. Whoa! Sweet Jumping Cheese! I am going to be a Plyo Queen. :P I am nervous about it. I have to be careful with my joints. I mean I am envisioning my elephant self trying to do some of these exercises... so not pretty. Grace has never been a strong suit for me. I am excited though. The new plan is pretty hardcore. I am just going to have to get my butt to the Rec Center I think. I wish I had more equipment at home. I just like being in my own little world when I workout. Oh well. That is obviously going to have to change. I made more progress on days I went to the gym. Back to the gym it is then.

No more authorized (or unauthorized!!) cheats. :( boo. I need some eggnog! I always have a glass (or 3) on Christmas. I just need to change my attitude. Back to work with me. Clean eats and hard workouts. I don't think I got enough food in this week. And some of the food wasn't good for me. I was exhausted all week and my workouts suffered. I just didn't have the ooomph.

I'm totally bummed about not being at the first team meeting. It gives me more incentive to kick it at work and in my workouts so when I do get to meet my teammies.... :)

I need to get my sleep schedule re-regulated. I keep waking up at 3am and again at 6. I am always so tired during the day. I don't know what happened. Monday I was super woman and since then I am drained.

Back for a nap and then I head off to the slave drivers. I'd rather being getting my booty kicked by Julie.... lol

Friday, December 19, 2008


What am I doing up at 3am ?????

I went to bed at 9:00pm last night. I was so exhausted. I am still tired. I had to pee, drink some water and check the weather. A lot can change in 2 hours, but so far it looks like a trip to the rec center will happen. I need to get a good cardio interval session in. I am feeling SO huge. My clothes are looser but my belly is swollen still and the scale is up.

Back to bed!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Oh boy, its gonna be a rough one...


I can barely keep my eyes open. If I didn't have a plan, I'd pull one of my old stunts- go back to sleep as long as possible, shower up, and hit Starbucks for some caffeine and sugar. Then, follow that with sugar all day and crash again at home. Works well. NOT.

I think closing almost everyday and sleep in worked in my favor. I didn't seem to be tired. Its when I have to get up earlier because the early shift... That's what happens when I close for almost an entire month and then open suddenly. Oi!

My bed is sounding sooooooo good right now. I can't do my workout this morning and now I'm seeing all these winter storm warnings. Guess I'll be doing my workout at home tonight.

I am off to nap. I can't even type right. I keep mixing up letters and backspacing to correct.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I am SO tired today. Its worse than yesterday. I worked extra long and now I am beat. I did cardio this morning- it was an off day for weights. I need to my big set tomorrow and I don't think I can hack the morning. I feel run down. Work is getting to me. I can't deny it. I have stayed clean though. I can't wait until my crazy mean boss leaves. She is gone for January- yay! She really is so mean and selfish. It feels like middle school with her around. My coworkers say she is jealous of me and it has gotten worse since I lost weight. She is tiny so I don't get what she is jealous about... whatever. When she is mean to me, it makes me want to push the iron harder and run faster. Why not give her something to REALLY be jealous of?? I'm a whole lot nicer and caring. Its time to complete the package with a HOT body. :P

I made another calendar this year with my photos. It turned out really well and I am excited to give them out as gifts. :) I wish I could sell my calendars and make some extra money. I just don't have the money to print a ton up front and take a risk of people not buying them. Right now I'd have to charge like $24 a calendar to cover printing and shipping. :( If I printed a lot the price would go down to $18-ish. I don't know. It would be great if I could make money with my photography, but I don't do people. lol I just follow bugs around and take pics of flowers. :)

I am still up in the air on Saturday. I want to go so badly, but numbers are so rough right now. People just aren't buying so much right now. I don't know what to do. My mean boss is saying to take the day off, but she wants me to get written up, so she is no help. I tried to figure out if I left right away from the meeting and went directly to work how much selling time I would have. I'll be SO tired. I have to leave my house no later than 4am and then drive back and then work for 4 hours if I do that. I don't think that makes sense. 8+ hours of driving, a kick-azz workout and then actually work too? Sounds like trouble honestly. I won't have another day off until Christmas. Ugh.

I made some AWESOME Chicken Tortilla Soup. I revamped a vegetarian version I came up with a few years ago. Its loaded with protein and fiber. Yummmmmm. I'll have to post the recipe. I have been eating it for a few days. Tonight I made Turkey Chili. I had to back off chicken and broccoli. It was starting to make me gag. I think by Sunday I will be back to C&B lol.

Okay, I am feeling loopy. Off to bed soon

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I think I can, I think I can - choo choo!

Yesterday I had the non-stop energy of Super Woman. I got so much accomplished. This morning I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. *ugh*

No worries. I stalled a little, but I got my booty on the bike and pedaled away. Good thing I had my tunes. :)

I was feeling a bit down after I freaked out this weekend. I was so overwhelmed and angry. I got the fight back in me and I am doing well so far. Workouts are in and meals thus far are 100%. Can't complain there. :) The tough part is what happens the rest of the week. I seem to lose some steam or get sideswiped somehow. I'm NOT letting that happen this week. I want a 100% week. No half-arsed workouts, no cheats (even though I am allowed 1 meal). I need to make it 100% clean. I can't let myself slide. I've taken enough cheats to make up for this week and then some! So this is my 100% week. And there will be many more to follow. I've already told my managers that my goals are non-negotiable. I am trying to make it clear how important this is. One is on board. The other is in his own world as usual. Oh well. I am standing my ground. I think the key is to make sure I workout in the morning, then there are no excuses for missing workouts. The next biggest hurdle is getting my meals in! Its soo challenging. Having prepared meals makes it better, but dodging the boss's micro-managing eye is tough.

On a very positive note- my workout pants from early this year are falling off!! :D I hope I have some gift cards coming my way this year. LOL I need some new work clothes. I can manage with some baggy workout clothes but I am starting to look dumb at work. I'll take it though! I keep telling my body to BURN BABY BURN! :P

Okay, gotta go eat M1!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A new week...

Its a new week on Monday. I have had a roller coaster weekend. My emotions landed in the dumpster a few times the last few days. I am feeling pretty insecure about my job right now and it weighs heavily on me. I have made some poor food decisions and while I am irritated that I allowed myself to eat poorly, I am moving forward. I have to make the disconnect again. Food = Fuel. Nothing more. I hate that my boss treats us all so terrible. I can't change him. I can only do what I know is right. I am hoping to make some major progress this week in activations so maybe I can get my booty down to KY. I need some inspiration and butt kickin'! We'll see what happens.

I am hitting things hard this week. I have really lost a lot of ground and its so disappointing. I feel like I am fighting my body, my old habits, the world around me. *whew* Its exhausting. I don't want to fight, I want to push and make progress. Stress and starvation are my bodies old companions. My body is SO conditioned for this environment. I could survive in a famine without a problem. I've got a ton of reserves. lol I really need to manage my stress better. I really do. I miss going to yoga. THAT was great for me. Getting time outside of work when classes are held is near impossible it seems. I can workout at home, but I really enjoy the yoga studio environment and the guidance and instruction. Maybe I can figure out how to get one class in each week...

Gotta run now.

Friday, December 12, 2008


My fire is gone right now. My fire for just life. The desire to go on like this day to day is gone. Oh it will return. Right now... I need to get my head in a better space pronto. I just don't care right now. I am feeling beaten. I feel so much like a dog tied to a really, really long chain. I thought I was free and I was running towards my goal. I had to do a few jumps already, but I was on my way. I was running fast and I was going to make it... until the chain jerked me back down. I am lying here stunned right now. I keep telling myself that things don't have to be only one way. There are other ways to do other things. I am just so disappointed. My stress levels are still through the roof. Job/financial instability is freaking me out. I do the best I can and it doesn't matter. I have always been good at what I do, but... the bar keeps getting raised so much higher. I feel like I'm drowning. No one cares if I stay or go. I'm of no real value. I keep looking elsewhere for jobs and there aren't any. :( The economy stinks around here especially and if I leave I lose benefits to end up working 2 jobs with none.

Where is my fire? I need it back to survive.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Seriously Bad Day

I don't want this to be a whine session. I can only say that while I desperately need my job, I hate it. I really do. I don't know what I am going to do, but I absolutely MUST find something new. I am on the verge on freaking out. I don't know now if I can do the Team. They have made our quota so ridiculously high that it is impossible to achieve. I have to hit a minimum of 70% to essentially keep my job. Last year less than 20% of the district hit the minimum. :( Our first team meeting is the last Saturday before Christmas and one of the last days to hit some big numbers. I'm just so sick. WHY does it seem like every obstacle possible is thrown in my path?????

I need to sleep on this and call Julie in the morning. I'm uber stressed. I failed miserably today. I got my workout in and 3 liters of water. Breakfast was on target. The rest... *sigh* I don't even know why. I didn't eat much, just nothing good either. Poo.

I am hoping and praying for some revelation in my dreams tonight. Tomorrow has to be good.

This is just getting tiresome

I'm doing my best to eat clean and stay focused, but this stomach pain and headache that randomly appears and disappears is getting old. I've tried to consider what the cause is. I am seriously drinking my gallon of water a day and I love it. My coworkers think I am crazy but I am done with what they think of me. Could it be my protein powder- maybe the Splenda in it? That would make me SO sad. Could it be my supplements? I didn't think so. This is reminiscent of my ulcer pain from September. VERY familiar. The only common things are stress and my protein powders. The pain started back up after I had a nasty stomach flu.... is it possible that it started a new ulcer?? I am frustrated. I am taking Prilosec today to see if my stomach calms down any. No supplements for me today. If this works, then I'm going with the stomach flu virus theory and I'll go from there. If after a round of meds this clears up and comes back again, then I might be forced to try some other protein powders. *ick* I only use it once to twice a day. I try to go for whole foods more often.

Yesterday, my food was making me nauseated. I managed protein pancakes 2x without too much pain, but I ended up not eating much the whole day. I tried to get my food in, but it was a lost cause. :( My belly looks all bloated and it hurts. :( Its just like the ulcer episode. Grrrrr.

I have the plan of action for now... I'll just have to deal with it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Mixed Day

Its been a very mixed day for me.
For some reason I have had the WORST headache that I have had in a long, long time. My stomach hasn't been good either. I think the pain from the headache has gotten to me. I am frustrated that I am not feeling well. I've been craving weird stuff I don't even really like. Weird day.

I have the hubby's "blessing" so to speak. He has finally given me the full 100% support. He understands what I want to do and why. It makes me so happy. I'm sure it will still be a balancing act, but it is good to know he is truly on my side.

I am going to go rest again. I just feel so... off.

*Protein Pancakes*

Revised Edition...

(This has not yet been approved by my trainer, but the macros are good regardless. I just need to find out if the dairy is okay! :P )

Protein Pancakes


1 Cup Oatmeal (not instant)
½ tsp Cinnamon
1 Scoop Protein Powder (Beverly International Vanilla UMP is the best!)
¾ C Egg whites (equivalent to 3)
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
¾ C 1% Milkfat Cottage Cheese
¼ C Skim Milk
¼ C Water

1. Use a food processor (or blender) to grind up oatmeal to a powder/ flour.

2. Place ground oatmeal, cinnamon and protein powder in a medium bowl.

3. Add egg whites and vanilla extract to blender/processor and blend for 20-30 seconds. Add egg white mixture to bowl.

4. Combine cottage cheese, skim milk and water in blender/processor- mix for 30-45 seconds. Then add mixture to bowl.

5. Stir all ingredients together until mixture is smooth.

6. Add by 1/3 C onto pan over medium-high heat.

Makes 6 large pancakes.

Nutrition Breakdown: (per pancake!)

Calories: 91.6
Carbohydrate: 7.3g
Protein: 11.5g
Fat: 1.5g
Fiber: <1

A 3 pancake serving gives you 275 calories, 34.5g of protein, 4.5g of fat, and 21.9g of carbs. Nice way to get your protein in. :)

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Ahhh Patience

I never have claimed (nor will I ever claim- most likely) that patience is one of my strong points. I can never accomplish what I want fast enough. I want bigger muscles now. Lots less fat now. Better cardio conditioning now. Oh and most of all- I want the stomach flu gone- NOW! Its best not to RUSH right back into regular food- so I am finding. I guess it wasn't as gone as I thought. :( I thought I would "ease" back into my meals by doing oatmeal and protein powder for breakfast. Eggwhites just didn't sound too cool this morning but I wanted to get some protein in me. Errr.... yeah didn't stay long, just sayin'.... :(

I keep attracting things into my life to deter my progress. Something is going on subconsciously and I need to fight it. Back in September it was abdominal distress that turned out to be an ulcer followed up with food poisoning- really? Seriously. Can a girl get a break? Not so much. Following that there was a blowout with a team on tracker that left me stunned, sad and unmotivated. After the cracker-fest with the intestinal issues I was a carb fiend again. Add some money issues and other stresses and wah-lah back to being chunky monkey. Fast forward and I end up at a comp in KY and my motivation is kick started like no other! I am excited and ready to tackle the world. So... here comes the world to hit me in the face repeatedly to see if it can knock me down. First week with my new trainer- some hellacious sinus infection and bronchial spasms. I make it through that mostly. Week two- My bosses throw some serious monkey wrenches into my schedule and I freak out about going to workout in public. Week 3 of my new program I am *ON FIRE*. THEN... stomach flu. REALLY??? Come on now. This is ridiculous. Its almost as if my body wants to stay fat. Its gotten comfy. My mind, however, is done with this nonsense. I am still feeling a little woozy and my stomach has decided to let me know that its not having any of this first meal. *damn* I want to work out. I want to eat on plan. I was making great progress this week. I was seeing results and I am not going to undo them.

I need some positive saying or something to create a safe environment for my body. I have to convince myself that it is okay to lose the fat and be strong. I can't believe I have had so many issues in this short amount of time. NOT COOL at all. I guess this is part of life and the process. I have to be patient and loving with my body. I have hated it for much of the last 8 years. So... I am off to think of some nice things. My body must heal up and get ready for the major changes. Its gonna happen. I'm going to make a major transformation.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Boo Stomach Flu!


I don't think I really need to say more. :(

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I am psychic! (and awesome)

I see a massage in my future....

Yep. I am psychic. I am in serious NEED of a massage.

I am awesome because.... I went to the rec center where it was extremely busy and I stayed. Not only did I stay, but I worked out and I worked out HARDCORE! I know that I must have some kind of social anxiety and nothing is harder for me than going to unfamiliar places and doing unfamiliar things. Luckily I am a fast learner and a great observer so I didn't look too dumb using some of the equipment. :P I seem to have some sort of performance anxiety as or something too. Like I should just know how to use everything despite never using certain ones before. Oy. I am working on it. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill- intervals oh yeah. Then I went to the rowing machines. I did 10 minutes- what a great workout and observed and mapped out my plan of attack for my scheduled exercises. I got to use the assisted pull up machine!! I have been wanting to use that for some time now. Yay! And boy did I learn I'm weak! Its okay though. I am pulling up at least 60lbs. One day it will be 100 and then it will be all of me!

Its been a great day. I worked out hard, got some things done around the house and I ate clean all day. :)

Oh, I got my supplements today. I took my GH Factor this morning. I've been taking my Lean Out before meals and Ultra 40 at meal time. I drank my Glutamine/Uplift combo while I lifted and I am praying they help with the DOMS. My poor butt and legs are still super sore. I may take a bath tonight. My hip flexors are unhappy. I tried to stretch them today but they are still tight. boo.

Looking forward to hitting it hard tomorrow. :D Now if I can get the DH on board with me...

It doesn't seem like this is a popular color lately for the stage, but I just *heart* this color so much...

Not exactly fitness related, but...

I had some dreams last night that left me thinking this morning. Here are just some key things I remember.

The number 3 over and over as well as the number 8 multiple times. I also remember a couple telling me about listening to a podcast of the Dalai Lama. I also remember the colors green and pur There are a lot of other things I can't remember right now but I know will come back to me. For now, here is what I have come across just browsing the web this morning and through Dream Moods:


Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, and self-exploration. Three stands for trilogy as in the past, present, and future or father, mother, and child, etc.


Eight stands for power of authority, success, karma, material gains, regeneration, and wealth. When the number eight appears in your dream, trust your instincts and intuition.

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness." --Dalai Lama


Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.


Purple is indicative of devotion, healing abilities, loving, kindness, and compassion. It is also the color of royalty, high rank, and dignity.

Hmmmm... what does all this mean?? I have to think on this for awhile, but it sure seems positive. :D

Not exactly fitness related, but...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My biggest challenge...

First I want to say I killed my leg workout! I have a feeling tomorrow my legs will be killing me! lol I have full on Gumby-legs. lol

My biggest challenge- is my job. Everything about it. I have lost any like for it that I may have had. It pays my bills and offers great insurance coverage. My bosses are really idiots. They are self-center, control freaks. The one is just downright mean. She loves to tell me how fat I am. "Don't take this wrong, but you'd make a great Plus Size Model." Ummm how did you expect me to take that? Is that really supposed to be a compliment? Based on all the other hurtful things she has said- no way. That was a hit. She has told me to just stay fat and at another time I don't need to eat because I'm on a diet. *sigh* She is starting more crap today already. She hasn't said anything outright yet, but I can feel the storm brewing.

Aside from her the other boss is a neurotic micro-manager. I can mostly ignore him, but it is still stressful. Today I found out my quota for this month. I SWEAR this company is trying to fire people. They have made our quote unattainable. Its completely unrealistic given the economy we are in. They also don't have to pay us as much if we don't make our goals. Happy Holidays, good luck reaching your goals...
*sigh* I am trying to not stress out. I can control my eating and my workouts. I can only do my best. I may just end up stepping down. The stress isn't worth it. I want to go back to school for radiology anyway. Now I just need to figure out how to make everything happen.

Stress=staying fat.... no stress, no stress....

Monday, December 1, 2008

Easiest Chicken & Broccoli Prep ever!

I just wanted to share my little happy food prep tip. The Target by me has frozen foods and dry foods, no fresh produce. I take advantage of the awesome prices that they have and this is what I came up with.

I admit I was opposed to frozen chicken, but this works out SO well. :)

First, get some frozen broccoli.
Second, get some frozen chicken strips.
Third, place broccoli in ziploc container.
Fourth, place frozen chicken strips on top of broccoli.
Fifth, season as you prefer. (I use mexican spices, but anything would work).

I just add some hot water to the ziploc container and then microwave for a few minutes. It cooks both broccoli and chicken perfectly!

Feeling ?

Its not about whether or not I FEEL like doing something, its just about doing what needs to be done. It doesn't matter that I don't feel like eating X and would rather eat Y. Y will not help me achieve my goals, so I will eat X. It doesn't matter that I feel tired and don't feel like working out, staying in bed isn't getting me my winning figure body. I am all about feelings in my little world and its time to break this habit. I want to listen to my body to make sure I am healthy and not injured. That may mean I need to NOT listen to my brain making excuses. This is a huge endeavor for me. A challenge of a lifetime. I am going to do something I have been terrified to do. I am going to be me!

In response to my previous entry:

Melissa- I thought I was just a stress eater, but really its just anger that I struggle with. Its so weird. From what I have been reading its pretty common with women because we "stuff" emotions inside a lot... seems to make sense. I would think after the thing with your family the adrenaline and aftermath would make it difficult to want to eat at all.

Tea- you're right. I need use my anger as fuel to keep me going. It doesn't hurt anyone but me, but I guess it must be some sense of control or comfort. Being aware definitely helps for sure though.

Liimu- Good call on the writing. I use to journal a lot more than I do now. I guess I should get back to that!

Sundie- being more acutely aware definitely helps. Its just fighting that overwhelming urge more than anything tho. I am making an effort now to be aware all the time when it comes to food.