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Saturday, October 18, 2008

Back in the cage

So one of my big motivations and major goals had to do with my anniversary and my husband. I wanted to look really good and feel good for our anniversary. I wanted my husband to be proud of me. Without going into details, let me just say that that was a wasted goal. I need to do this for me and me only. My weight loss process (working out a lot, eating clean, etc) has taken a toll on my relationship. I have noticed a distinct pattern. When I eat freely and skip workouts *I* feel like junk but DH is happy I am around more and sharing meals with him. (he can eat ANYTHING without any obvious effect. I think its metabolized before it hits his stomach. LOL)
I don't like this pattern.
There are a lot of underlying things going on and it breaks my heart. Every argument is my fault because I am cranky or I am attacking him, etc. He always manages to turn things back on me. I neglect him. I am in a bad mood. I am picking at him, etc.
I feel like I am trapped. I feel like for a little bit this bird grew her wings a little and started stretching her wings and exploring her home. Now I feel like my wings are clipped and I am stuffed back in the cage. Back in the cage to look out through the bars and the window and watch all the other birds spread their wings and fly.
I feel like I may never fly.

2 comments:

Liimu said...

Girl, get your fire back - NOW! We cannot stay fat and lazy for them any more than we can get thin for them. You are worth getting in shape for. Pray on it. You'll find the answers and you WILL regain your fire. Screw him! Don't let his insecurities impede your progress. (Maybe he's afraid more other men will find you attractive, and so what, if they do?)

Evelyne said...

This happened to me too when I first started with Tony. You MUST remain strong. THIS is what you want, what YOU need. In order to love someone else, you must first love yourself. You have to show him that you are a strong woman and that you aren't going to give in and give up just because he's not happy. He needs to find his own way. My Hubby gets it now. It took some time. But now he even prepares my meals for the week for me. You have to be steadfast and show him that this isn't just another pipe dream. YOU NEED TO DO THIS FOR YOU. Otherwise you will always be stuck in 'what if?'