Thursday, October 2, 2008

Challenging day

So yesterday was a better day at work, but I didn't get all my meals in nor did I get extra cardio in. Knowing what I know about my body I shouldn't have been surprised AT ALL at what I saw. UP 3 frickin pounds. ARE YOU SERIOUS?????? I actually yelled that at the scale today. Why does 1 imperfect day have such a dramatic effect? I can be as perfect as possible and move down very little. I would also like to know where that weight went. My clothes are looser... so where the heck is that three pounds shoved? In my boobs would be just fine. Everything else... no thanks. I think one day a sledgehammer is going to meet that scale. I know better. I know to stay off the damn thing. I know it only torments my mind. I like to delude myself into thinking my mind is strong enough. I should let the UP motivate me to push harder. I'm just pissed anyway. I'll be over it soon enough. Tomorrow I better be back to where I was. I drank enough water. Maybe today I should start back with ACV/Lemon. I'm just scared to screw up my stomach. It started hurting again yesterday. :(

How is it possible to be this hormonal after PMS? I am feeling weepy this morning. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant- like super preggo ready to give birth. I didn't know it for a good while- and nobody else did either. I finally realized it- and that was emotional enough in my dream (for the record we don't intend on having children for multiple reasons, but every once in awhile... I get that flicker). Anyway I had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl with a full head of red hair. There was a lot of concern before the birth if she was even alive- since I didn't know I was pregnant and had been taking prescriptions and having x-rays, etc. It was very strange having all these emotions and this morning I feel... weepy, sad... I feel like I lost something when I woke up. At first I felt warm and happy and then the realization set in as I woke up. I don't even get this. Usually pregnant/birth dreams mean giving birth to ideas, etc. Its going to take awhile for me to process this one. Every other night this week I have been dreaming about competitions and Cori (PRO!) and Tony being at my job. LOL This was waaaaay off normal for me. Maybe it was the 10 babies I saw at work yesterday. Dang it hormones, leave me alone!

So, a weepy, hormonal wake up, a mean scale, and hunger make for a very interesting start to the day. I need to go bust out some serious workouts, but I had to get this off my chest. I feel better having written down and cried a bit. Now I can move forward.

I have to ask this- HOW the heck to you all reach T? I seriously haven't been able to talk to him in 3 weeks. He's responded once to an email. Do I just have to keep calling? I feel like ... unloved. lol I'm in a place now where I need some help. I feel alone in this right now. I know he is busy, but I have never been one to fight for attention- something T already eluded to. LOL I guess I should just bug him on the phone. I just feel bad. I feel like I am not as important as other clients are.
*sigh* Stupid self esteem...

Okay my emotional self is gonna go workout so I can feel like a person again.