Tuesday, October 7, 2008

When Falling Off the Wagon....

When Falling Off the Wagon, its best to fall off the back instead of diving off the front. I have fallen off the wagon and gotten run over by it! I have been doing well for 75% of my meals and that is NOT good. (Although I will admit not stressing out about what I eat is a relief! Sure that chai isn't healthy, but its so yummy...) I can't seem to make myself work out- not even my favorite workouts. I'm being a brat. I am crossing my arms in front of my chest and pouting saying "I don't wanna!"

Ummmmm.... WTH?? I know that I eat poorly when I am mad. I've been pretty frustrated with someone. It doesn't justify it by any means, but it could explain why I have such a crap attitude. I really dislike where I am right now. In fact, I dislike me. With my time off last month from being sick, I didn't meet my goals and my commission check is down by over $300. :( Yeah, I know- still no excuse. It all boils down to having a bad attitude. I'm not afraid of anything at this point. I'm just angry. Sabotaging my body makes sure other people can't enjoy it. See how twisted *THAT* is??? I don't like not meeting goals, lacking in money, sabotaging myself... having jacked up mindsets....

Oh and I am bad granddaughter too. I am having issues coping with my grandmother's Alzheimer's. I grew up with her dragging me to nursing homes every week so we could bring the dogs in for the elderly to pet and play with. So many of them had Alzheimer's and it scared me. They use to latch onto me thinking I was someone else. Its tough for me to see my grandmother go down this road. We all knew it would come. She has been saying she would get it for at least 25 years. :( Just one more thing I am not good at I guess.

I don't like this funk. Why do I seem to fall at 8 weeks? I start tripping and stumbling and then I just fall off completely. Grrrr. I am so frustrated at myself. Its like I stand outside myself and yell- Go work out now! and the other part of me pouts and behaves like a child throwing a tantrum. I know I will feel better if I can just kick my own arse in gear.
I just wish this road wasn't so lonely for me. I wish I had a friend I could push hard with. My sister in law is good for walks in the park, but aside from that, I don't think she wants to lift- at least not push it hard. There is a new gym opening up soon. Maybe I can get up the courage and funding to join it.

Alright... enough babbling. I'm going to go sit by my weights and hopefully lift them.


Liimu said...

HEY! HEY! What's going on, girlfriend??? You're doing it again! Re-read your post and ask yourself if you are manifesting the reality you desire with this kind of talk? It can be as simple as saying, "Someone help me! Help me regain my fire! Help me want this again!" Or, to pray to God to help you! Whatever you believe in, but asking for help to get where you want to be is taking the first step toward getting there! Lamenting where you are now does nothing but solidify your current state of unhappiness.

You have a team of virtual workout partners - I, for one, would be happy to post daily to you how hardcore my workout was - to push you harder, to challenge you to go a little further, run a little faster, lift a little more, and I welcome you to do the same!


Love you,


Melissa H said...

What are we doing... living parallel lives? LOL Okay, missy. I pushed through my exhaustion this morning and did my bi/tri/shoulder (Tony) workout with 15 extra cardio minutes tacked on and am about to go do 30 extra minutes of cardio. C'mon. We know that we hate watching the scale go up. We know that the "Screw it, I'm eating it" foods don't make us feel any better. Get back on the wagon with me.

Britishlady said...

Hillary..sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We all have our days when we don't feel like working out or eating clean. Do you remember T sent a newsletter a while ago about the time where he was crying and working out at the same time? If not..let me know, and I'll send it to you.

Despite the fact that it may feel as if everything around you is crappy right now...eating clean/hitting those workouts are in YOUR control. I guarantee you this...go to the gym..force yourself to hit those weight, and I promise you will feel better afterward. Sometimes it's not about what we FEEL like fact it's about dealing with that we don't feel like doing.

I know you want this Hillary..I know you want to achieve that dreambody, and I know that you will. Pick your head up...give it your all, and you will get throught this.

Also, like Liimu have virtual supporters in your corner shouting for you.. "Go Hillary...Go Hillary... GO HILLARY"

You got this girl, now go take what's yours!!!

Tracy said...

You can do this!!! Dig deep and remember why you started down this path! Take it day by day! Have all your meals in containers and ready to grab and eat. Then when your hungry, its a no brainer! As for workouts... load up your iPod or MP3 with a bunch of new songs. That gets me going. As for training partner, I seem to do better alone. What I do is go to the gym about the same time everyday, and you'll start to see the same people. Challenge yourself to "push" like their watching you.