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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Just when I thought I was on an upswing....

I am pretty much at the lowest point. I don't know where to go from here. I am ready to give up. How could I POSSIBLY be THIS fat??? And I lost 26lbs this year! The percentage is mind boggling. I think its safe to say I won't be getting on stage anytime soon. Probably not until the end of next year if I work even harder than ever. I want to say its not fair. Being a vegetarian for the last 5 years obviously hurt me more than anything. I didn't get enough protein at all. I know I didn't eat well, but I mean isn't there a point where you just can't be any fatter? I mean you can't be 100% fat. All the weight training I have done, all the cardio, all the clean eating... I feel like I worked so hard to hear 53.3%. What? WHAT? How is that possible?? Does that mean I was like 60 or 70% earlier this year???? Its a damn DEXA scan. Its not wrong. I am trying not to bawl like a baby and give up. I swear my doctor likes to be mean. The nurse calls and says "Dr. X says you results still put you in the Obese range, continue on your program." I had to make her give me the percentage and what the hell- he doesn't know what program I'm on. He has never given me guidance. Just the last visit where he told me I was obese.

I just feel like the biggest piece of crap right now. I feel like my dreams have just been ripped away. I SO wanted to be ready for April. I really thought that I was in better condition than that. Obviously not. I am my worst fears. I AM the fat girl that wants to play and no one wants her to cuz she's too fat and slow. I have always felt this way and now its been thrown in my face. I don't think I can do the Fitbody team. I am waaaaay to self conscious. These girls on the team will be starting with half the body fat I have or less.

I feel like never eating again. I feel like I should tie myself to the treadmill until the soles of my shoes are gone. (no worries it won't happen) I just feel so... lost and hopeless.

Is there something just that wrong with me? I haven't been perfect, but I just can't believe that working as hard as I have this year that this is my condition. I am trying not to freak but I am. I am going to have to decide what to do. I will keep trying but this is just a kick in the face. Oh- and my mean female boss says I would make a good PLUS size model. Thanks.

3 comments:

Liimu said...

Oh, sweetie,

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. You need to pull out that dog-eared copy of The Secret and READ IT AGAIN! You are putting so much negative crap out into the Universe, I was almost afraid to finish reading it!

CHANGE YOUR REALITY BY CHANGING THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT IT!

But you know this...you can do this. You let that stupid dumb doctor vomit all his negative stuff all over you, and now you are just WALLOWING IN IT!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, do some deep breathing, mirror work, whatever you need to, but you need to change your thoughts if you want to change your life.

Love you,

Me

PS And you CAN do this...the biggest difference between you and those other girls getting up on stage is ATTITUDE. I really believe that.

Tracy said...

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! Take a deap breath! Its a number! And slowly that number will change. Look at it this way, if you change for the better lifestyle, your preventing that number from getting higher. And that is the LAST time you will see that number!

It WILL get better!

Susan said...

Hi HG!

I have been there (and I am still there), have felt that same way, and with out a doubt said those same things to myself! Beating yourself up is not the way things get changed.

Ok so WE are both in the obese category and for now-so what? That is where we are now NOT who we are or where we will be in the future. We must own up to our past actions and move on. So get mad, get angry and say NEVER AGAIN! Say I want better for myself and the people in my life!

BIG HUGS!

All my best,
Susan