Saturday, November 29, 2008

Why I don't eat on plan...

Sorry this is so long. A lot opened up to me as I was writing...

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me. I've noticed this trend before, but for some reason it was more clear yesterday.

The first reason I don't eat on plan is basically laziness. I'm too tired and lazy to prepare something healthy. I'd rather just grab something easy. That's the most easily fixed. Just prepare ahead of time. I expect tonight to be really tough. Unless hubby has dinner ready when I walk in the door.... I'm not going to feel like cooking or even grabbing anything. My head will be aiming for a pillow. I have to work 12p-10:30p. If I get more than 10 minutes to inhale some food during that shift it will be amazing. I don't have a microwave at home (and I don't want one). So heating up things in the microwave doesn't work for me. I need to get DH to help me during this month. Its not a huge deal to heat up some broccoli and chicken, but the way work stresses me out and exhausts me... well... I just don't feel like doing anything. I need to have better control of my situation. I need to prepare as much as possible.

The second reason I don't eat on plan is much trickier to tackle. Its completely emotion based. I don't eat for joy or sadness. I eat out of anger. When I am in a rage, I eat (or want to eat) the worst foods I can find. Its like some type of retaliation or something. I first became aware of it when the hubby and I had a lot of problems. I'm still a bit confused as to how this mechanism works, honestly. The only thing I can come up with is that I know he likes me and wants my body and maybe I choose to destroy it and make it ugly by eating? I don't know. It doesn't resonate with me, but it seems to make logical sense I guess. Yesterday I noticed the rage and desire for crappy foods at work. As I was leaving (extremely pissed off) I was making a mental list of all the crap I was going to eat. My worst damage was only a chai tea (which has been a source of sanity and peace during some other rough times). I know to some degree I am seeking solace and comfort, but its disturbing to me that I turn to food when I am angry. Its like I feel powerless to do anything else to help myself or make myself feel at peace, so I eat to do that? I don't get much enjoyment out of the food really, but if I am honest, I do feel better than before I started eating. That is until the repercussions set in. See, when I am angry and eating those bad foods, I am like a child- I say I don't care, I'll do what I want. I KNOW what will happen if I eat x,y,z. No one thinks pizza is healthy. I don't want healthier alternatives to the bad foods I want, I WANT the bad crap. W

What I need to figure out, is how to channel that anger and desire into something healthy like going for a run or Tae Bo or something. The other thing- and probably most important in the long run, is how to deal with things better. Being taken advantage of makes me angry. I know I ultimately let it happen. I just suck at confrontation. I haven't gained the skills to ask for what I deserve.

My bosses know I am a tenderhearted person. They praise my skills working with customers,etc. But they know I am not aggressive and pushy and I won't make waves. I don't like upsetting the balance of things, but if things aren't going to be fair or equal.... it makes me damn angry. My job is based on numbers. Some of my coworkers are greedy and shady. I hate working with people like that. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Because I chose to perform my job as I am supposed to, I lost out big-time. Out of 33 activations yesterday, I got 1. 1. THAT is terrible. My greedy coworkers enjoyed the fruits of essentially stealing from me while I took care of the other customers (which didn't help me in the numbers game). My one boss (female is constantly snarky and mean) purposely helped things go that way. She loves to make things hard on me. What can I do. HR is useless in this situation. I don't want to call people out because in this industry they can make it even worse. It a manager doesn't stand tall and firm and knock this behavior out then nothing will change. My option seems to be sit back and take it or do what I feel is wrong and do what my coworkers do. :( Feeling powerless makes for a bad situation for me.

Powerless = anger = seeking some kind of power? Its almost like a reverse anorexia. I'll binge for control? I don't go and eat bags of crap until I am sick, I just eat whatever will make me feel better at that moment. I can recall moments of shopping for Reese's in a fit of anger. I wonder what started this.... I'll have to think on this. This is definitely pivitol in my weight loss journey.

For now, I need to redirect the energy to something healthier- like exercising (even though that is the last thing I want to do). That will at least keep me from setting myself back too far. I need to figure out more of this anger/eating thing and get some skills to help me cope and stand up for myself. I'm used to being the wallflower.

Edited to add this link: Stop Emotional Eating


Melissa H said...

I usually emotionally eat, too. But, after the rage I felt on Thursday? The last thing I wanted to do was eat. DH (trying to help?) actually went to the store to get stuff to make dinner and brought home Ben & Jerry's. The thought made me want to puke. I usually eat under stress, but apparently not anger.
It is so much easier said than done to work on channeling it into something positive. It doesn't have to be fitness related, but I'm working on learning some self-calming techniques. Instead of figuring out how to deal with the stress, I'm working on making it go away!

I also totally get the "lazy" thing. If I have prepped food, I'll grab it. If not? Sometimes, even opening a can of tuna seems like too much work!

We just gotta keep figuring out what works for us. Keep digging!

(and thanks so much for your comment on my blog!)

Tearose said...

Hi there,
I had to comment on this because I used to go on binges when I was angry.

There came a point when I realized that I was only hurting myself, that all these people that made me angry actually had control of me, so they could make me angry and I would look more and more like shit because of my binges.
That made me mad. I decided that whatever happened I would stick with my meal plan.
Why should they get to make me look worse? I had to have SOMEONE on my side and it needed to be ME.

No one else was going to care if I hit my goals, no one else was going to suffer for this, I was.

I knew the anger would pass and I would feel guilty and angry for my food choices.

I cook all my food ahead, so all I have to do is go to the fridge and grab it, with the exception of my oatmeal and egg whites. If you don't plan, you plan to fail.

I'll tell you what happens, you stick to your food plan, and you start to see changes, you get more confidence and belief in yourself, which makes it easier to stick to your plan, and you start changing, and getting smaller and tighter and more confidence and suddenly your not that same person they could push around anymore.

Get mad! get on your side, this is for YOU.

Liimu said...

I write.

I don't know - it's sometimes hard for me to do all those things they tell us to do: take a walk, take a hot bath, etc. etc. I never do it. But it does give me pleasure to open my journal and write, write, WRITE about how angry I am.

Maybe that will help you, too?

sunniejane said...

I used to be an emotional eater too. I have learned to stop and think about what I am doing before it sets in. I had to or not compete and I really wanted to do that. I know that it is always not that easy but I think just realizing that is what you are doing is already a huge step. I always try to count to 10 and refocus when I feel that emotional trigger.

Kelly Olexa said...

Girl I am so working on these issues...that book Intuitive Eating has really made an impact on me, if you can get it from the library I'd recommend it. Still, I have a ways to go.....but I keep plugging along!!


Health Girl said...

Hey Kelly- thanks for the book recommendation. :) Thanks for stopping by!