Thursday, February 26, 2009


Having a rough morning. I'm exhausted. Had another long day and I just want to sleep today but can't. Another day of work. Thank goodness I have tomorrow off. I am just so tired.

I don't know why, but this week I had some major realizations. First, everyone is broken in some way. I used to feel like I was the only one who wasn't ok. I felt alone and rejected. This week I have seen a large portion of my customers under some influence (ie drugs or alcohol). Some customers have had major health issues. One coworker is under some kind of influence- it makes him super aggressive. And the latest thing that is *really* bothering me is one coworker is bulimic. This one makes me the saddest. She has a rough life at home. Her parents are control freaks and so is her husband. Its easy to forget that she is a person, too. Everyone at work looks at this 40yr old woman and sees a meek and mild woman who eats probably too much, is kinda ditzy but funny and that's it. There is no more to her than anyone else. But there is. She has kids, she has hobbies, she has dreams and desires. I noticed strange habits 8 months ago, but didn't connect it because she said she didn't feel good and was seeing the doctor. It all clicked this week because I noticed a direct pattern. She has always eaten large amounts of food. She hides in her car and eats a lot before she comes into the lunch room and eats more. She has left the toilet seat up multiple times in the bathroom. The other day I heard that cough sound in the bathroom and she came out moments later with her face all red and her eyes watering. I asked if she just threw up- but only because I thought she had genuinely gotten ill. Her eyes got really big, she said No and ran away. It all came together. I have heard her a couple more times this week. :( How do I help? How can I fix her? I can't. I can't fix anyone. I hate seeing her like this. I hate feeling to helpless. What can I do to help her better her life? For now I guess I just work on me and do my best to let her know I care. I won't confront her or accuse her. That will just drive her further away. :( I just want to help her. But how?


Lori said...

WOW, that's a really hard one Hillary. I really get the feeling you have the answer already. Just be there for her and support her - but as long as she doesn't drain you. Don't forget about yourself in your quest to maybe 'help' others. You said it already.. keep working on yourself and do what you can for her.

I am super impressed in your ability to take a step back and just observe. This is huge! You worry about you (cause no one else will) and everyone else, well you just have no control over them. All you can do is watch and learn.

You can always say "if I only had more money.. more time.. a less stressful job, things would be different" but when you see that people that do have more money and time STILL have the exact same problems... it's kinda an eye opener.

You are doing great! :D

Michelle said...

Hey there Girl!

I just am reading a book by Scott Abel which is a real eye opener to this kind of is called "The Other Side of the Mirror" Great read!

Its a book I know you would enjoy because it is scientific as well as very in depth into the cause of body image disorder...not that you have that but I know you like to educate yourself on many forms.

Anyways I say she will not want your help until she comes to terms with it herself.

Britishlady said...

Hi Hillary!
Sorry to hear that you're so tired. Hope you're able to get some rest tomorrow.

About the poor girl in your office... I think you're right-the only way to help right now is to be there for her and show that you care.

How's everything going with your new program? Hope all is well :)
Thanks for the comment btw

doidle said...

I used to have bulimia and the only thing that would stop me is if I knew I'd get found out. If she thinks people are "on to her" - ie, suspect she's throwing up, she might stop (at least at work, and that's a start!). What made me stop, after 5 years of it, was my college roommate my freshman year(who I love and still do), found out and thought it was so gross. We shared a bathroom so I couldn't hide it too well. Presto - stopped! Also, I just got really freaking tired of doing that. So tired of it that I didn't care if I got fat, I just wanted to stop. Amazing how I actually then started losing weight! All th sugar goes into your bloodstream immediately - you just puke out the good fiber and fat that keeps you full, and you eat more. A terrible way to live and agood way to get fat. Anyhoo, that's my 2 cents. Poor girl.

Jessica said...

I don't know a lot about eating disorders - but I do know some about addiction and it seems they are interrelated. I am sure being there for her as a friend - and not enabling the behavior is a great start.

You are a good friend!