Friday, April 10, 2009

And the walls, come tumblin, tumblin


I didn't feel like working out this morning but I made myself go downstairs to do some ChaLean Extreme. I usually feel better after I start. I get in to it and I feel strong and healthy. Not today. I ended up in a puddle on the floor. Just sobbing. I am so weak today. Everything felt 100x harder than ever. I know this is PMS. I slept an extra 4 hours during the day yesterday and slept like a rock for 8 more hours last night. I feel tired and weak. I feel even worse mentally now. My legs just won't hold me up trying to do all the squat and lunge work.
I just feel... hopeless. I feel like I may never be able to lose weight. My face is an ugly, oily zit pit. Nothing I do will clear it up. I have acne on my back now. I feel as gross and ugly as a person could possibly feel. I can't stop crying. I am minutes away from calling off work right now. What a nightmare I am. I haven't felt like eating in 2 days. I've had some food, but not much. Nothing sounds or tastes good. And food feels terrible in my stomach. I get heartburn and bloating. My body is broken and I am alone to try and fix it. Everything is normal. Riiiiiiight. How you can you check hormone levels and not know where in my cycle I am? This occurred to me yesterday. Feeling this horrible is NOT normal. I am feeling so overwhelmed. I may go back on birth control. It would seem like being off of it would help me lose weight, but that isn't the case currently. Even eating better and exercising on a program again isn't helping. I feel angry, bitter, neglected... I feel disgusting and gross. I want to be and feel pretty. I want to be and feel happy and hopeful. I want to be and feel healthy and strong.
This whole moment is nonsense. Its one valley on the roller coaster of hormones. I just don't know how many more valleys like this I can take. Some times I feel like checking in to a mental ward. Stability is not a good word to describe me. This chaos in my mind and body is wrecking me. When will this change? When can I get a grip? When will it be clear? When the monster become easier to battle?