Friday, August 29, 2008


So.... I freaked out this morning. I didn't get enough sleep at all- in a 5 hour time period I peed 6 times! I also kept waking up worrying about work crap. :( So this morning I was up doing my workout really early before a meeting and my workout called for bodybuilders. I wasn't feeling particularly strong or confident. I had a meltdown on my living room floor. I screwed up some bill timing and my check was $300 less than it was supposed to be. That was bugging me and then I felt like a complete failure on my bodybuilders. I just quit. I sat on the floor sobbing. I feel like maybe I'm never going to get better or healthier or anything. I feel like Tony thinks I am better and more capable than I am. I feel like I am fooling myself. I know my hormones are completely whacked and I'm still stressed about work. I just feel like an ass. :( I feel so incredibly vulnerable today. I'm tired. I feel weak... I ate a bowl of cereal for my second meal and I feel sick. I somehow imagined that it would fix my tears. It didn't. I knew it wouldn't, but I ate it out of anger. I was angry at my situation, my lack of ability to deal with life in general and at the fact that my body is the way it is. I see all the moms out there working, taking care of kids and taking care of themselves- accomplishing great things. I barely have energy to go to work, take care of my home and workout. I just feel like a failure at life. Why don't I have more energy?? I have more than before, but its still not enough. I'm so tired all the time. I feel like I am stuck in a retarded mental state. WHY can't I get past some things? WHY can't I deal with stress better? I feel like a freak. :(

I know I should call Tony, but I don't want to be negative. I don't want to be whiny. I just feel stupid. I'm an adult and yet I still can't deal with life. :( I really hate myself right now. I feel like a nutcase with this rambling. I need a day off from work. But I have to go in.