Saturday, August 30, 2008

Morning Cardio

Today is a better day. The sun is out, the sky is blue and I have my cardio in! I just got done writing Tony an email. I did an hour of walking and walk/run outside. Here is what I wrote to him. My realizations are included. LOL

I am doing better today. I feel less irrational. I downloaded some of the blogtalk radio podcasts, loaded them on my MP3 player and off I went outside. I didn't know specifically where I was going and if I was going to do intervals, but I needed some time outside to move around. I walked all the way to my work (37 minutes) and then did intervals on the way back. I listened to the Step Out of the Shadows podcast and the Tosca interview. Both were immensely helpful, encouraging and inspiring. I have been thinking a lot about how I go through life. I just don't like being uncomfortable! I am scared of so many things and even going outside to exercise "in public" where other people might see me is uncomfortable. I don't consciously think this, but once upon a time it was a very conscious thought- "what if they laugh at me?" "What if they make fun of me?" The obvious answer is So What?! Why should I care what anyone thinks? Sometimes I able to throw off the weighted cloak of self-doubt, vulnerability and fear. A lot of times it weighs me down and I trip over it. Yesterday was a trip, get tangled up and land on my face kind of day. I think that is a huge part of why I was so angry. The part of me that wants so badly to be free is restricted by the scared little girl. I have more confidence now than ever before, but I still let my fears of failure keep me down. The bodybuilder exercises aren't easy for me at all. I want to be able to do them and do them with perfect form. However since success at this exercise isn't easy I get all stupid and anxious. Yesterday was not a strong day for me and my "failure" just sent me over the edge. Completely stupid, but it happened. I went to work, came home and ate then pretty much passed out in bed for the next 9 hours. I felt refreshed this morning. I was still emotionally sore, but I knew I needed not to dwell, but move forward.

So yeah.... lots of realizations while listening to our man and Tosca. I wish Tony would do more podcasts... :)

I need to get some food in me now. Can't afford to use up any muscle!