Thursday, December 25, 2008


Today was a difficult day in so many ways. Food was actually not the monumental struggle it could have been. I think so many other things were weighing heavily on me that food wasn't that important to my senses.

I always get a little sad this time of year. No particular incident or memory, I just always have. As a teen I remember being sad a lot this time of year. I miss the innocence of Christmas. Working retail has ruined a lot for me. I get to see the ugliness of people.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection today. I feel like I have failed at life. I am not as strong as I once thought I was. I allowed myself to feel destroyed. My weight spiraled out of control, my jobs have taken a negative turn, and I just feel like the passion has left me. :(

I work a job that I hate- not because the tasks are hard (it is actually boring now). Its that my tasks require me to do something I can no longer be comfortable doing. I was never really comfortable, but survival kicked in. I am tired of hard selling people. I hate it. Its not right. I hate the constant nagging to tell customers they need something, they have to have x,y,z, its free for 30 days, etc. Its not cool. I am not considered valuable by my company because I don't feel I should be selling this way. I want people to get what they truly need. Sometimes that is the whole package. Sometimes, its not.

I feel like I may never be at peace unless I have my own business. In this economy, I haven't a clue what to do. I don't think I can sell enough calendars to make it. I just want to be me. How can I get to that point? I feel frightened by the world sometimes. Its not filled with nice people. I think I might be too nice and naive. Why is it such a bad thing to expect honesty and ethics? Morals? Are you out there?

I feel so burdened. I want to break free. I want to have time for me. I am trying to redo my health. I am trying to undo damage and sculpt an even better shape out in the process. I want to feel safe and at peace again. I want some time for mental clarity.

I want to help others in any way that is best. I want to laugh and love and smile... I want people to feel comfortable talking with me and I want people to feel better having interacted with me.

I know there is much to be grateful for. It just frustrates me that I should be grateful for a job that treats me (and many others) so poorly just because so many other people are losing their jobs.

I am praying for a better opportunity to come along. I need some steady income and a steady schedule would be great. One that allows for some time off for competitions! I am a great person. I can be good at anything once I learn. I just need to pull out my resume and give myself a pep talk...

I am not giving up. Today was just so overwhelming. I felt so alone. I am trying to keep my head up. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully after a night of sleep I will have some clarity about what to do next.