Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Having a moment

So I am having one of those moments. Its one where I am sitting here wondering what I am really thinking. Do I REALLY want to do this competition thing? Seriously? I look like a damn elephant stumbling around on slippery floors in these shoes. I'm good for a few steps and I get all confident and then its like ice skates. :( poo! My foot hurts a lot- its the one I was supposed to have surgery on next month. :( I need to lose more weight before I put myself down for 8 weeks.

I know everyone has moments in this process. I keep thinking there isn't a way for me to make my original comp date so why push so hard? Why? Because I HATE being this damn fat. Its now gotten to the point where I am getting pissy. Just get off my body, damnit! It didn't take me long to put on the 60+ pounds after we got married. In fact, 6 months after we got married the DH lost his job. I was stressed and financially burdened. Food was my only solace. My DH was going through a range of emotions and his business didn't take off too well. I felt so alone and angry. Cheap boxed, chemically laden, high sugar, high sodium, high fat food was what we could afford. When I needed extra support, there was always something easy to munch on. The weight started 6 months after we got married and 6 months after that I was huge. I would add 10lbs and then drop it and then add it again.

I feel so inept. I am so insecure and I hate it. I am watching old classic films. The way the people danced... *sigh* I feel like I will never be light enough or FREE enough to do that. I am so doubtful of my physical abilities. I feel like my feet are rooted somehow to the ground. Any attempt to dance or jump seems like major effort. :( I love ice skating and haven't gone since I weighed 126 lbs in college. I was thinking of starting with that. Maybe skating and feeling less weighed down would help break this mind trap. I want to dance. I want to move without restrictions. This fat suit needs to go!

I am worried about the team meeting. I am so hung up on looking like a big clutz. The group workout thing is making me anxious. I need to wear blinders so I can't see how behind I am. I'd like to be inspired, but mostly I end up feeling bad that I let myself get this way in the first place.

One thing I can say is that in 2008 I realized a lot of things. I became aware of many habits and thought processes. I am still working on redirecting and overcoming, but at least I am aware now. 2009 will be successful. No matter what happens, I am going lose the fat suit, dance and smile a lot more.


Tearose said...

I was where you are now last March. I went to see my posing coach at 193lbs, I knew I had a lot to lose but being there made it all the more evident. I looked like an elephant in my shoes as well. She took pics of me in the different poses and they don't look good at all because of the extra weight. So I went home and put my nose to the grindstone, I refused to look in the mirror much, I refused to think about it too much, instead I focused on doing the things daily that I needed to do. I missed my original competition date because I just had not lost enough yet. That really pissed me off. I know how you feel, with the job and money stress, and the feeling not good enough and hating how you feel and look, I just want to encourage you to not give up! Put your nose to the grindstone, go hard, and you WILL compete and you will look amazing! I believe in you!

Ballet said...

When you’re buying your dance shoes online make sure you use the size charts. Even though you may generally take the same size, different companies often have slight variations in size that can cause you to need a smaller or larger size shoe.

April said...

I am so glad to see that Tea posted. She is a great example that it CAN be done! Enough said. Now believe in yourself and it will happen!