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Monday, September 8, 2008

Do I Have What It Takes?

Last night I asked T for a cheat. I didn't want to ruin my progress but I was having dreams about pizza. LOL I think I needed a moment. He granted me the cheat. Well, I did eat my pizza and I paid my dues today. Big time. The scale wasn't up too badly- I expected it from the salt. However... I have been SOOOO sick all day. Between nausea, and up and out.... I should be down a couple pounds! WOW. My body is pissed. I even left work early because I was so sick. They actually SENT me home. lol I have slept and drank plain water most of the evening. I think the ACV and lemon were just aggravating things. I had a granola bar and soup today. I couldn't even get all my oats in- and it was only 1/2 c. Lesson learned. I think I will not worry about what kind of meal to eat after my comp. LOL It won't be pizza.

Tomorrow's workout surprised me. LOTS of cardio and some abs. I get to talk with T tomorrow morning. I am always so afraid he is going to say "you aren't progressing enough, maybe you should find a different trainer". I have some security issues. I feel like my little goals aren't worthy enough or something. I'm sure I will feel different after talking with T more tomorrow. We're going to streamline my goals in regards to my first major goal for my anniversary. I'm afraid I won't/can't reach that realistically. I have to give T the news about the comp. We'll see what he says. :) I told him I wasn't sure if I could realistically meet my original goal since my progress has been stalled scale-wise. I am still seeing changes, just not in the scale. I think my body just adjusts to changes quickly. So if we were in a famine situation I'd be just fine. Too bad we aren't. lol

Tomorrow is a fresh start. I think my stomach is going to behave. I have heartburn still, but I don't feel nauseated anymore. I am aiming for 100% compliance. Work will pose a challenge as usual, but I HAVE to make it happen. If I have to go back to sneaking meals in by eating in the bathroom, so be it. And I am finally caving in to the tuna. *wish me luck*
I am taking another huge step tomorrow. I am going to the Rec Center and working out. *gasp* Yep. I'll be working out in front of other people. I am much more comfortable working my big ol butt out at home, but I need to change things up. I am going to see what equipment they have available and I'll also see if there are weirdos and creeps or generally non-harmful individuals there. LOL! On an interesting note- I have gotten way more insecure over the years as I have gained weight. I used to be a personal trainer at the YMCA (basic knowledge, but not certified by anyone but the Y. I was in a gym environment ALL the time 9 years ago. Yes now... I am scared to death. I tried to go with my SIL once to a big gym. I had an anxiety attack outside the door. I made myself walk in with her anyway. We were greeted by 3 fugly meatheads who smirked at the fat girl and the cute skinny girl (aka- NOT me) and I felt like freaking out. I wasn't impressed with the layout or the fact that the guys that were "working" the desk were as helpful as cat puke on my shoe. It sent me over the edge. That was 7 months ago. I am going to the rec center tomorrow because I think I can handle it better- more family oriented although enough stupid people will be present no doubt. I also have been debating on the costs of buying more and more and more equipment versus more equipment and more variety at a gym. I'd like the option of doing both home or gym, but we'll see.

So... Do I have what it takes to meet my goals and fulfill my dreams? I am shy and nervous and scared... but inside is a girl who used to love to sing and dance and perform for her stuffed animals, no one at all, the dog, her parents... anyone who would pay attention. I used to be outgoing, talkative, confident, trusting, fun, adventurous, carefree and happy. I loved people and animals, music, makeup, dancing, singing and reading. I believed I was special and that everyone was. Everyone was to be loved and should do what made them happy. THEN, I was quickly yanked back to what was reality for most of the world. People- especially authority figures can't be trusted. Being carefree, happy, and filled with hope and wonder are bad things. That makes you stupid and naive. Singing your heart out is something to be embarrassed of. No one really wants to listen to you- talk or sing. Reading was okay. Being perfect was expected.
A teacher made fun of me in front of an entire classroom. I mispronounced a word and was ridiculed and tore down for being different. All the other kids then followed her example the rest of the year. I was alone for all of elementary school. I was left to my books, animals, and music. I could no longer trust adults. I cried my eyes out the day the teacher tore me down. She was so angry and mean. I was a little kid, but I remember the sting and the anger that poured out of her. My parents didn't know what to do and they had their own issues. I was always shushed and often ignored. My passions were ignored. My dreams were silly and not practical. Too much risk I guess. I had to be perfect in what I did in all categories of life. Otherwise, harassment and punishment or being left out were my fate.
So that leads me to today. Should I be surprised that I am afraid to try things? I could get laughed at- especially if I don't do whatever it is perfectly. What if I fail?? Who is going to yell at me now? Only the inner voice that is so well-developed. I don't trust too well. I am afraid I will be mocked and sneered at. I used to set goals I *knew* I would reach. Maybe I was just that determined and I wanted whatever my goal was that much... or maybe deep down I knew I was good enough for x,y,z but not a,b,c... maybe it was a bit of both. I wouldn't audition for drama shows or for choir, but many years later I was shoved into a microphone by the praise group I was in and I sang like a bird. I was finally free! At least a little.

I think I DO have what it takes- I can reach any goal that I *really* want to. I just need to stop being a chicken. I need to set goals that are meaningful and real and JUST DO IT! Finally deciding that the FAME show is something I'd like to do is huge right now. I *want* to be in Oxygen magazine and Muscle & Fitness Hers. I have daydreamed about that for ages. I was always afraid to say that for fear of many things--> "That's a conceited goal. You're not pretty enough. You'll never be skinny enough or in shape enough. You can't do some of those moves now, you have to do them for a photo shoot. No one will support you along the way. You aren't strong enough to do it alone. That can't happen to YOU."
Wow. That inner voice sure is ugly, isn't it??
So now I have to quiet the voice of NO and create the voice of YES. I have to create the voice of yes and crank up the volume so that is the only voice I hear. I know T can help me with that, but I have to work hard. I have to fight the physical battles, but most of it is mental. The wounded child can now be healed. I am safe.

5 comments:

Evelyne said...

Sending you B I G cyber hugs. As long as you have the want and the need to grow and become that beautiful person you are inside, it will come. Many of us are in MUCH better places because of Tony. He just has a gift that is inexplainable. HUGS.

Angela said...

You CAN and you WILL do this! I still have those voices in my head that says i cant and you will never get there....but they are slowly going away. Believe me I dont think they will ever completely go away but as long as you stay strong and focused you will do this! Tony is there for you and we are too :)

I was the same way growing up. even into my teen years when i was put down for certain things....those things stay with you...but you can get past them. Stay strong!!!!

Tina said...

Girl you made me cry...not that that is hard to do :) But I so identify with all of those feelings to a T!! But guess what I don't have them anymore, they do rarely creep up but for the most part...they aren't there and I know how to extinguish them when they do pop up...I never thought I would get to this place either!! I'm sure your conversation with T was helpful!! Several things that stood out for me in my conversations with Tony is...Just be Tina....and none of that matters that is the past...it just doesn't matter...

I've held on to those words of Tony's they play over and over in my head... even after hearing them it took a while for it to click and all fall into place...but I got there and you will too...go check out my DB Diva Blog if you haven't yet...I talk about this a lot... Just be Hillary.... and none of that matters anymore...it's the past...how bout the future...lets talk about who you are, what you want to look like to the world...and go out there and do it!! I'm really excited to see where you are headed...I know the journey...the destination is yours!!!!!!!

Tina said...

Like I didn't say enough...ummm are you kidding...that date is so far off, you will be there for sure...and yes you have what it takes...do you think I would be here bugging you if I didn't think you had what it takes...not only do I think you have what it takes...I think you have what it takes to go far...just like Angela there...you have to believe...right now today...know that you will not only get on that stage...but you will rock that stage and take down the house...know it...and then get busy and make it happen!! You will make mistakes along the way...you will second guess...but each time you fall get up quick and get back on track...no beating yourself up...just get right back...other great words of T's!!

Health Girl said...

Thanks so much ladies. *sniff, sniff*
You are the best!
(((hugs)))