Monday, September 22, 2008

*grumble grumble*

**WARNING- Negative Emotional Outburst**

Feel free to skip over this.

I need to get some of this out of my system. Its that time again. Friggin PMS. *sigh* So it appears I gained 4 pounds overnight. Yep. 4. Overnight. F-U! I feel so fat and nasty. I just want to cry. I would also like to eat junky foods to console myself. I won't though. I just feel like I work so hard for nothing. I feel like if I am not 100% perfect that its all a waste. I know PMS is getting me down now, but I have been struggling this whole last week. For the last 3 weeks I have struggled to move the darn number on the scale. I get stuck fairly easy. (I know its just a number, but the avg healthy loss should move the damn thing down 2 lbs a week!) I'm frustrated. I seriously lack the energy to do 2 hours of cardio plus weights everyday. And what happens when I plateau again? 3 hours of cardio, then 4?? Damnit body!! I'm pretty angry. I am so sick of this feckin fat!!!!! GET OFF OF ME! I just want to scream. I haven't been able to reach T all week. I heard he was sick. :( I need to relax about this, but its irritating. I took some quick pictures yesterday and I seriously look worse than 3 weeks ago. I look like there is a huge fat layer over everything. :( :( :( WHY??? Is it from the carbs? What the hell am I supposed to do when I feel like throwing up all day? I can't not eat or I lose muscle- which it seems like that happened anyway. I had one good day- one magical day.... and now I am even further in the pit of despair. *blah*

DH is irritating the crap out of me. He's been especially needy. I have been so focused on work, working out and desperately trying to lose weight. He's been neglected. I feel bad, but its just one more thing on my plate. And now I feel guilty for focusing on me with no results.

I feel totally overwhelmed and incapable. I can't see myself in my bikini. I can't see myself succeeding. Right now all I can see is this blob. This angry, emotional blob. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and not getting far. I am not strong today. :( I don't know how I am going to deal with the skinny-bitch boss lady- the one who purposely eats crap in front of me, the one who tries to make everything I do harder than it needs to be. *sigh* Oh- and I have to work 12 hours today. I'm sure I'll have enough energy to do an hour of cardio tonight. Where is this magic fountain of energy????
I have nothing left in me right now other than expletives. I wanted to conquer my workout hardcore this morning. Instead, I got woke up 4x in a 6 hour stretch last night and I am just not with it. I'm a tired, emotional freak show.

I just wanna scream and go back to bed. :(


Melissa H said...

Not counting my own thoughts, you are the third blog today that I have read who is going through the same thing. I think I'm going to put my scale away for 3 weeks. I need to stop obsessing over that damn number. You?