Sunday, September 14, 2008

Week Nine Starts tomorrow

Here we go...

Week 8 was pretty good. I had some good realizations. A few more happened today.

I am not going to be a size 10 in four weeks or even 6. I don't think that I physically have the energy to do it. I want things as fast as possible, but I think the reality is, is that my energy and stamina are just not there. My leg workout kicked my butt so hard that I could sleep the rest of the day. Seems like there is something wrong with that. Its like that with most of my workouts. My other option is to tame down the intensity and get poor results. *ugh* So... this is a marathon, not a sprint. I just have a slower time right now. I really want to reach that size 10 by my anniversary, but I need to get my energy up somehow.
I am afraid of more things than I thought. I have been devouring photos and websites galore! I WANT to be a fitness model. But- what do ya know??? That takes hard work and actually being in shape! DUH! I might have to sweat, be sore, take chances, work hard.... Looking at all these gorgeous fitness women makes me angry. Angry that I am such a wuss! I want to go eat ice cream and bread under the covers. Not exactly what was supposed to happen. I am supposed to be inspired to train harder, eat cleaner-- PUSH, PUSH, PUSH! At least I am aware. No worries about the crap food. Not going there. And truthfully I don't *really* want it. I am just intimidated. I feel like an insecure blob. I see the poses and photo shoots and I feel all incompetent. Of course I would- I've never done any modeling. I know deep down there is a strong, sexy, confident woman. Right now the scared little girl wants to play and not work hard. If I don't take a risk, I can't fail at it. But THEN, my life will always be what it always has been- me looking through the window- watching the world go by. Longing to run out and be a part of it... I can sit inside and wish and dream or I can work hard, get ready and BE a part of it. Its all up to me.

This week MUST be better than any week I have had so far. I need to prove to myself that I have what it takes. I'm fighting against a lot of "haters" right now. Work is the same resistance. The DH wants me to lose weight and be healthy, but the idea of competition is ridiculous to him. He doesn't see why I have to have someone else judge me. I can't explain to him any of it. He's NOT a competitive person at all. I am just going to stop talking to him about it. It makes me sad because he is my very best friend, but he just doesn't understand right now and I can't let him drag me down.

I am down 2lbs from last week. I am pleased but I had hoped for more. I am still pushing hard though. I can do more. I can be better. I am a fighter. ;) Next Sunday or Monday is picture day. *gulp* This is the first set of pics T-man has requested since my assessment... oh boy! lol Maybe I'll do a little tanning so I don't blind the man. LOL

A bit of inspiration--->