Friday, January 30, 2009

Acknowleding Weakness

So I just haven't felt super pumped lately. I want to, but the fire is cool embers right now. Its not out, just no flame at the moment.

This next part isn't about me bashing myself, its me acknowledging my weaknesses.

I'm not very good at receiving. I always feel like I have to give back or give first. Receiving a compliment is uncomfortable for me. I often feel suspicious or just weird. Part of it is that receiving a compliment means someone is paying attention to me. THAT in itself makes me uncomfortable. But I do like being noticed, so... I'm just a confused mess? lol At any rate... gifts, compliments- whatever... I even feel uncomfortable with taking the freebies on tables at fairs and muscle shows, etc. I'm still getting to the bottom of this. I really don't have an understanding on this totally. I do need to learn to accept things and be gracious. My awkwardness with compliments or gifts can come off wrong to people. I will work on acceptance and graciousness.

I'm not too good at letting go or being subservient. Control and I are good friends. Sugar (in all its forms) is one of the few things that has more power over me than I'd like. I struggle with trusting that other people will make the right or best decisions. I struggle with trust when it all comes down to it. I cannot even do that "fall backwards and let a group of people catch you" thing. I seriously cannot fall. My body physically will not go limp. Come to think of it, I hate falling at all. Fall is too close to fail. I need to work on trusting other people. Especially those that I *know* will take care of me. I just need to let go of my worries and distrust. I am working on this with the husband tonight. I know he loves me. I can trust him.

I'm not very good at relaxing. My mind is always going a million miles per hour. I need to give myself time to NOT THINK. Meditation is something I want to be much much better at. Yoga is also something that will help. I can strengthen my body and mind. I can be better at living in the moment.

The final thing I am not good at is standing up for myself. I dislike confrontation with authority figures. My father and I had gotten into some NASTY fights that almost landed me in the hospital. Confrontation makes me want to head for the hills. I will tolerate far more than I should for the sake of avoiding turbulence. I will be working on setting boundaries at work and holding strongly to them. I don't have to be aggressive or fight to defend myself. I just need to be aware of my boundaries and stand firmly for them.

I'm sure there are many more weaknesses to address, but these are the ones that I am going to focus on now. I think correcting the behaviors and mindsets behind these will bring a greater amount of peace and stress reduction. It will definitely shift my life in a new direction.

I acknowledge the weakness in me and move forward to grow and strengthen myself.


Anonymous said...

Many of the weaknesses you mention I either have now or have struggled with in the past. You CAN and WILL overcome these. Once you acknowledge them, then you can work on overcoming them. Good for you!