Friday, January 9, 2009

Defeated, cheated... challenged?

I hate to post negatives. I just need somewhere to dump this right now. I am feeling so low. :( I feel defeated. Not only has the scale given me the finger, my tummy is bloated. (I'm sure its from the carb up meal). Either way I feel incredibly fat and gross. To seal in this horrible feeling... I went to buy some new clothes for work and well... I just feel like I can never find anything cute. I feel like I am doomed to dumpy, frumpy ugly clothes. Last night I managed to somehow flex and pose just right and I saw the beginnings of - OMG- shoulder caps! Today? Gone. Long gone. Covered in a layer of flabby fluff. :( I felt so horrible after trying on clothes. I feel disgusting and there is no way I am standing in front of anyone taking pictures of this nastiness. White, pasty skin and fat. Oh and can I mention the 7 zits that amazingly appeared in 2 days?? What the hell? I don't get it. I feel like my body is in complete rebellion mode. I still get the occasional acne, but this is CRAZY! I look like I did in 5th grade! *ugh* I feel so ugly and gross. I can't help it. What am I supposed to do?
Our meeting at work this morning was great. (*sarcasm*) The boss told me I can't have anymore weekends off. No more Saturdays. Wha??? The District Manager said no vacations can be guaranteed, either. So.... I will work my heart off trying to make it to a comp to be denied? I am just beyond frustrated. I feel like a prisoner. I feel like I am being cheated out of life. A job that supplies income shouldn't suck the very life out of me. Its not fair. I know life isn't fair, but this isn't the way I want it. I am trying so hard and I just feel like I have failed. I have failed at life. I can't go back to school- not enough money or time. I have nothing to fall back on other than more retail. I am doing my best working out and eating clean and yet my body refuses to change. I feel like I have nothing more to give.

The team meeting is tomorrow. The weather forecast for the state? Snow. Lots of it. 8 inches here by tomorrow. My car absolutely sucks in the snow. I am going to have to leave at 3am to get to the meeting if the weather is that bad. I'll be sick to death the entire drive too. I feel sick thinking about it. :(

This too will pass... its a challenge, right? If not, I'm done. I feel like I am just not capable of dealing with pile of challenges and stress that just got dumped on me. :(
I HAVE to find another way to get income. I can't do this anymore. I can't.


Melissa H said...

I'm gonna sound like an idiot, but I have been fighting similar "I feel like a fat cow" feelings and I have been stopping them in their tracks this week by listening to the Dreambodies blogtalkradio podcasts. It is so hard to stop, but we both know that the negative self talk doesn't help us.

The job? Girl, you seriously need to look for something else. I know that's easier said than done, especially in this economy. But being miserable because of a JOB is not worth it! Start sending out resumes, even to things that you don't think that you're quite qualified for. You deserve better.

Hang in there.

BTW, my word verification was "Strypes". So... maybe we're earning our "stripes" through this adversity. :-)

mikeyrosie000 said...

Hey girl!

I hope things start looking up soon. I agree with Melissa, just keep putting your resume out there, you would be surprised what you can get when you have faith in yourself.

Have you talked to Julie about all the stress you are going through?

Tearose said...

I agree with Melissa find another job. I just quit mine because of the stress and I seriously feel worlds better. I need to find another one and soon, but I know the next one will be better then the last.

Kelly Olexa said...

I can relate to everything you are feeling. I don't know how long you've been reading my blog, but if you know what this past year has been like, you KNOW I can relate on so many levels. At this very moment, all of my pants are TIGHT on me, and it's likely due to all these medical issues I've had in 08. I have to like just sit and wait for my body to adjust. It sucks, when I'm eating right and working out.....insanely frustrating. But I just have to keep pressin on. Keep pressin on.

And as far as work, learn my lesson from this year. Do what you love. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Pursue multiple streams of income. This way you have backup. My company went bankrupt Oct 29- it's been insanely stressful but you know what? It was a GIFT. I have made more changes and more progress in 2 months than in my whole life. Its a LOT of work/time but 2000% worth it.

Feel free to email me if you want any advice or an ear to listen.


Tracy said...

Sending hugs!